My lifestyle has changed fairly dramatically here lately, not so much since the point in time that my wife & I were married but around a few other life events namely when we bought our house and when I changed jobs. In the past year, we've gone from renting a little shoebox of a house to owning a home with a bit of land attached. Additionally, I went from being Joe Schmoe employee at my previous workplace to being in the position of a director with my current employer. Suffice to say that those are some pretty sizable changes to the dynamic of our everyday lives, especially seeing as how we (I shouldn't speak for us - as in my wife & I - in this instance but I'm going to anyway) were settled in to our routines as they'd been consistent for several years. I don't know if it's that I haven't quite adjusted to things as they are now just yet or if what I'm experiencing is a legitimate mid-life crisis.
I looked up the medical definition of the term "mid-life crisis" online so that I'd have a better understanding of it and I'm not sure that doing so helped matters. I'm of the opinion that if you're suffering from some sort of ailment the absolute worst thing you can do is conduct research on your own via the web. My experience with having done so tells me that you stand a high probability of self-diagnosing yourself as having the worst possible outcome imaginable instead of attaining any useful understanding of what might be going on. For example, you're having headaches? Whoops, it's a brain tumor. You felt a twinge in your chest? Oh gosh, I have heart disease. You cough more than once a day? Well darn, hello emphysema. You're having a hard time kicking a cold? Too bad, you have AIDS. Maybe it's just me, though. I admit that while I do try to be an optimist I also can't deny reality and the realm of possibilities that exist.
From the perspective of psychology, a mid-life crisis refers to a state of mind which people enter into once they realize their own mortality and the potentiality for how much life they have left to live. Talk about a cheery point of view - depending no how you want to interpret that, it's either all down hill from here or the fog has lifted and the hill just got a whole lot steeper! I can't say that I've consciously spent much time dwelling on the concept that I'll soon be 33 years old, although I undoubtedly will now that I've acknowledged it publicly herein, but that seems too young to have heard life's whistle for half-time. Even though there was an era in history of humanity that 33 would've been considered old, nowadays that's quite young. For me to be exhibiting the characteristics of someone who is in a mid-life crisis is kind of rattling, to be perfectly honest with you.
So what are my symptoms? What's led me to believe that I'm in this state of mind? I mentioned the changes to my life earlier in this entry; I think I need to clarify that I'm not attempting to apply any sort of negativity to either of those aspects of my life. I love our home as it's everything we wanted and hoped for when we were shopping around the market. I also really enjoy my job - while I have a ton more responsibility than I ever have had before, it was an opportunity that I could not have turned down. I take that back, I could have turned it down and I almost did but my doing so would've only kept me from excelling professionally and from helping to make a better life for my family. Even so, the whole experience has been overwhelming at times.
The great thing about renting a house is that when something breaks or needs attention it's the landlord's responsibility to keep up the maintenance of the joint. The great thing about owning your home is that it's yours - likewise, the terrifying thing about owning your home is that it's yours. What I mean by that is if the microwave goes out, it's on us to handle it. If our water heater explodes, it's on us to handle it. If a tree in our yard topples over and damages part of the house, it's on us to handle it. Sure, you have homeowner's insurance to help with some of that, but the stressor exists in the chance that any of those scenarios could come true any day of the week and it would be up to us to deal with the consequences. That means enduring a physical and financial burden, and I will be totally honest in saying that the financial aspect is what scares me most.
I've always been a worrier and money is something I worry about more than anything. I guess it goes hand-in-hand with my status as a sufferer of buyer's remorse, another psychological issue of mine that I've tried to handle in one way or another over the years.
In terms of my job, the pressure that I feel comes from within. When I made the transition to where I am now, I left a staff of 8 to become director of a department of 1. I have no real support staff to rely on when issues arise (I say that but there are plenty of knowledgeable individuals here who could [and have] use their talents to help out), and as a result of that I can't help but dread the day that comes when there's a situation that develops which I have no idea how to deal with. The ramifications of that are huge because if I don't perform here there's no one else to be blamed but me. If I don't perform, I could lose this job. If I lose this job, where's the money going to come from to pay our mortgage and my bills? If I can't pay our mortgage or my bills, how will we ever recover?
When you boil the whole thing down, it seems as though my mentality is a product of two things: Fear of failure and worrying about things over which I ultimately have no control. To bring a different aspect of life into this discussion, I'll point out that I'm a Christian. I'm not exactly the most shining example of a man of faith but that's the amazing part of God's love - it exists as a gift we receive in spite of our imperfections. The Bible teaches that as a Christian, we are to lay our concerns before God and allow Him to carry our burdens. As much as I've tried to do that, I can't seem to let go.
Medically speaking, I'm in horrible shape. I exercise a couple times a week but my diet isn't what it should be. I'm overweight and I almost certainly have hypertension and probably high cholesterol as well. Those are guesses, as if you couldn't tell, and I use the word "probably" there because of the fact that I'm one of a whole lot of men (and more than likely a good many women) who don't particularly want to see a doctor on a regular basis unless it's absolutely necessary. The last time I saw a doctor was a couple years ago and I only went then because I had a rash which I'd attempted to treat with over the counter remedies to no avail.
Why don't I go? Partially, it's because I was in various doctor's offices a whole lot as a kid. I had to go at least once a year to a specialist about my seasonal allergies; medicine like Claritin or Allegra wasn't available without a prescription back then. On top of that, I'd go in about once a week for an injection that was supposed to help my allergies. I don't remember when but eventually I just stopped going in for the shots. I want to say I was able to get my prescriptions from a local physician instead of having to go to an allergist but I honestly don't recall the circumstances.
The other reason is my old friend fear. Fear of what the doctor is going to say is wrong with me, the fear of having something inside me that once diagnosed is going to put me on a path I'd just as soon not think about. (I've had family members and friends who've fought cancer; that's something I wouldn't want anyone to have to endure.) I don't believe anyone wants to know that they're sick. You could argue that it would be better to know if it was a serious matter as it would give you an opportunity, borrowing from a Tim McGraw song, "to live like you were dying". (That's a silly concept to me seeing as how we're all going to die someday, so we should all be living life to the fullest regardless of our own unique situations.) But isn't an awareness of your own mortality what's stated as being the primary cause behind this potential mid-life crisis of mine? What an evil cycle I've revealed, indeed.
Despite my state of mind when it comes to doctors, I've agreed to go in for an initial consultation with a physician that my wife has been seeing for quite some time now (I make it sound as if I had some sort of negotiation over the matter). Hooray, an excuse for the fact that I pay for medical insurance! I'm sure I'll get poked and prodded, and with any luck I'll get to wear one of those awesome examination gowns. Who knows, if I'm particularly lucky I may even get the old "Roto-Rooter" treatment!
Beyond seeing a doctor, what am I doing to combat this issue? I've expressed my frustrations to my wife about how I've become so focused on two things - our house and my job - that I've completely lost touch with my own personal interests. Additionally, I have next to no social life whatsoever. I'm going to make a real effort at getting back into the kinds of things I used to enjoy before, specifically my beloved video games and attending pro wrestling cards as well as concerts more often. I think that will help significantly as those are the kinds of entertainment I need, something that will take my mind away from the trappings of normalcy.
I've also got a few other things in mind that I'd like to pick up, those being hobbies that I've felt drawn to in the past but now recognize the opportunity to actually engage in them. One is buying a set of golf clubs and trying my hand at the game; I played a long time ago with my Grandfather and it seems like a sport I could get into relatively easily. I'm not saying that I'll be good at it but I'd at least like to try. The other is getting myself a bass guitar and learning to play. I've been infatuated with bass ever since I was a teenager, and I even tried to put together some money to buy a guitar back then but my parents didn't see that as a good idea so it never panned out. Again, it's something that would take some work on my part in order to develop a set of skills I don't currently have but that's the idea here, to add something to my life that will require dedication but that will also be fulfilling and enjoyable. I don't think either is necessarily a bad decision but between the two I'm leaning towards the golf clubs. Why? They would get me outside and provide some exercise whereas the bass would have me sitting around indoors. We're trying to get healthy here, after all, not worsen matters.
All things considered, am I truly that bad off? No, not really. I live in a beautiful piece of Small Town, USA with a woman that I love dearly. I'm gainfully employed. I have just about everything I've ever wanted. In the grand scheme of things, I should be as happy as a pig in slop. That's the frustrating aspect of psychological issues like a mid-life crisis, though. Sometimes you can't see the good for what's in the way, no matter how miniscule the blockade may seem to others. Giving up is the only real defeat in this set of circumstances, though, and that's something I absolutely won't do. I will adapt, I will overcome, and this will get better.
And who knows, I may start a band.
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