WrestleMania 29 Predictions

It's that time of year again - WrestleMania weekend. A weekend during which professional wrestling fans from across the globe flock to the site of an annual event that will either leave them completely floored by how awesome the whole thing was or wondering why in the world they spent so much money on being a part of it all. I'm fairly certain I'd fall into the latter category. Seriously, I love pro wrestling (well, most of the time) but my status as a sufferer of buyer's remorse causes me to go into a state of shock when considering the financial ramifications of attending WrestleMania.

First and foremost, you've got to have tickets to the event. The face value price range for WM29 tickets starts at a fairly modest $49.50 (including taxes & vendor fees), however I think it's safe to assume that those seats will have you watching the show from a distance so far from the ring that you might be able to high-five the crew of the International Space Station. (By comparison, it'll cost you $69.95 to watch WM29 at home via pay-per-view in high definition.) The cost of tickets goes up from there with the most expensive ones being a select group at ringside which are valued at $2,000. Yes, you read that right - 2 grand per ticket (my wife's engagement ring and wedding band cost me just a smidge over that), but on the plus side you get to keep your chair from the show as a bonus. If you figure in other factors such as airfare, cab fare or rental car fees, a hotel stay, food, etc. I would hazard a guess that you're probably looking at a list of expenditures that will set you back between $1,500-2,000. If you treated this as a vacation that might not be such a bad thing. I can't say that I wouldn't consider it, however given that I could spend less money and do something like take a cruise for example I'd more than likely take the cruise - even with the probability of the boat breaking down being at an all-time high right now.

As of this writing, there are 8 matches on the card which, of course, is subject to change. At this point, the Intercontinental, United States, and Divas championships are not scheduled to be defended - I do not expect them to be included on the card unless, that is, they wind up getting added to a pre-show, if that even happens. I think that should give you a real idea as to how important those titles are viewed as being within the realm of existence that is the WWE Universe. Unfortunately the Divas division is paper-thin right now and the two mid-card titleholders - Wade Barrett (IC) and Antonio Cesaro (US) - seem to be perceived as the best enhancement talent available for guys on the upper-tier.

All that said, here are my winning picks for the matches to be featured in WM29. "Winning" meaning that I'm so certain of these outcomes that you could certainly put money on each of them and expect a return on your investment because I think there are a few sports books out there that actually allow lines on an event like this. In all seriousness, if you are a person equipped with enough disposable income that you'd put a bet on a pro wrestling match I would encourage you to instead send that money to me. I promise to do something important with it, like pay my property taxes or take my wife out to a nice steak dinner and not something totally frivolous like buying a fainting goat or getting an absurd tattoo (a pig with wings wearing a tiara and Crocs, for example).

- Ryback vs. Mark Henry

This is the match I have the least amount of interest in. Why? It's more or less just here for the sake of putting two big brutes against one another - there's nothing all that organic about it, in other words.

Ryback is essentially a less charismatic version of Goldberg wearing Rob Van Dam's gear. He's been presented as a good guy but to be honest he carries out the part more like a villain. I don't think he has it in him to make Ryback out to be a likeable character. On the other hand, I do like Mark Henry; his character has shifted from being a buffoon to a monster and he's been able to do great things since the change. Henry's been with WWE for almost 17 years and this is the first time I've ever expected great things out of him. That may be asking too much here, unfortunately, given who he's working with.

I'm trying to think logically when picking a winner in this match but WWE and logic go together like mashed potatoes and strawberry jelly; that being a palatable product but not what you were most hoping for. Henry could use the win seeing as how it would elevate him into a position where he could feud with John Cena, Rocky, or anyone else seeing as how there aren't many other top-tier villains right now. Ryback has been something of a work in progress for a while, though, and I don't see him losing.

Projected Winner: Ryback

- Fandango vs. Chris Jericho

Not every wrestling fan is aware of this but WWE maintains what amounts to a farm system similar to what Major League Baseball does through associations with minor league franchises. It's essentially a training program for wrestlers WWE have recognized as being potential stars which works to mold them into talent fit for the main roster. Just because you're a member of WWE developmental doesn't eventually guarantee you a spot on RAW or Smackdown, though. Sometimes things don't pan out, and sometimes a guy will spend years in training before getting an opportunity to move up. Such is the case with Fandango.

The Fandango character is that of a flamboyant and extremely arrogant ballroom dancer; think one of the professional trainers from Dancing With the Stars if they had the most ridiculously inflated ego imaginable. Before he was Fandango he was Johnny Curtis, and Johnny Curtis was in WWE developmental for right at 7 years - a fact that blows a lot of observers minds seeing as how he's known as a truly talented guy (he won one of the seasons of WWE's NXT program when that show was still featured as a competition instead of the stand-alone show that it is now). In all that time, this is the best gimmick the creative minds in WWE could come up with for him.

All I can say is that it's a good thing Chris Jericho hasn't retired yet. He's one of few veterans WWE has around who can not only make Fandango look like a legitimate competitor but who doesn't mind putting over a young talent like Fandango for the sake of furthering the product. This will be one of the better matches on the card, even though it will be one of the least hyped.

Projected Winner: Fandango

- WWE Tag Team Championship: Team Hell No (Kane & Daniel Bryan) (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston w/AJ Lee

Tag team wrestling has become an often ignored element of WWE's programming in recent years. Gone are the days of tag teams like the British Bulldogs, Demolition, the Midnight Express and so many others - nowadays the idea is to throw two guys together at random and work out the details as they unfold. (It's the Lethal Weapon approach to tag team formatting, if you will.) Such is the case with this match as we're dealing with 4 individuals whose personalities have no natural attraction to one another.

Kane and Daniel Bryan have been engaged in the Team Hell No gimmick for what seems like forever. It's been an entertaining run for the both of them but you kind of get the feeling that it's grown stale. At the same time, Dolp Ziggler and Big E Langston are a fairly fresh pairing, with Langston more or less being the Virgil to Dolph's Million Dollar Man.

The wildcard in this scenario is the fact that Ziggler holds the Money in the Bank contract, which allows him to challenge the World Heavyweight Champion at any point in time - he only has until roughly the middle of July to cash it in, though, as the opportunity must be used within one calendar year or else it's nullified (he won it July 15, 2012). As much as I like Dolph, I don't think WWE is going to hand the belts to him & Big E if he's potentially about to feud with the WHC.

Projected Winners: Team Hell No

- Six-Man Tag Team Match: Sheamus, Randy Orton & Big Show vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns)

Here we have a feud that's been built out of a necessity to get the top stars in the company on the biggest show of the year. Sheamus, Orton and Big Show are all main-event stars who've had significant roles at WM in the past. By contrast you have Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns, three members of the roster who've made a name for themselves via their roguish actions but are still definitely on the rise.

In predicting a match like this, you have to try and take a long-term perspective on things. What happens if The Shield loses? To me, they're dead in the water - not to say they couldn't pick up steam again but having them lose now would be a major hit to their progression, as a group and as individuals. What happens if Sheamus, Orton & Big Show lose? Suddenly two good guys (well, one good guy - Sheamus - and one guy who could go either way at any point in time - Orton) and a villain have a reason to feud with one another. There's more to be gained from a creative standpoint from them losing than The Shield.

Projected Winners: The Shield

- No Holds Barred: Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar w/Paul Heyman (added stipulation that if Triple H loses he must retire)

This match is the culmination of a feud that's almost a year in the making, which is something of a recurring theme for WM29 seeing as how Cena & Rocky have been going back and forth with each other for at least that long (more on that later). Between the two builds, I have to say I'm looking more forward to seeing how this one pans out.

Lesnar, as a pro wrestler, is still climbing out of a deep hole in my opinion. I still remember his send-off match at WrestleMania 20 against Goldberg and how much of a disaster it was. The match was a poor payoff involving two guys who, at the time, were huge stars and it was also proof that neither one of them cared enough about what they were doing in the moment to make the match what it could've been. Afterwards, both of them seemingly disappeared; Goldberg retired and Lesnar went off to pursue his various other interests. Now, having exhausted those outlets, Lesnar's back in WWE, working a schedule that makes him a part-time member of the roster at best.

Is Lesnar the guy to retire HHH? That's the real question here, and it's a matter of ego versus ego in the grand scheme of things. Is Hunter satisfied enough with his in-ring career that he is willing to let this be his swan song or does he want to leave things open so that he could have another go-round? If this is the end for Hunter, and I think it should be, he has done everything one could possibly do in the business of professional wrestling. There is literally nothing else he could do to further solidify his legacy. It's time to put down the sledgehammer, once and for all.

Projected Winner: Brock Lesnar

- CM Punk vs. The Undertaker

There were rumors posted on pro wrestling news websites for months that at WM29 CM Punk would challenge the Undertaker and his perfect WrestleMania winning streak of 20-0. Punk was WWE Champion then, and it seemed like only a matter of time before he'd be dethroned by either Rock or Cena so that those two men would be able to use the title as a feudal point. So it was that Punk would lose the WWE title to Rock earlier this year at the Royal Rumble, setting all the pieces in place for Rock to face Cena and Punk to face the Dead Man.

While it sounds great on paper, there wasn't a natural transition from Punk having been WWE champion for more than a year to suddenly going after Undertaker's streak. Then, tragically, Undertaker's legendary manager Paul Bearer passed away and suddenly Punk, one of the greatest villains in pro wrestling history, had a means to assault the Undertaker on a level so dastardly it made many (even within the confines of WWE) question whether or not having him do so was in good taste.

Having Punk use Bearer's death as a means to make his feud with Taker more organic may come off as a disrespectful maneuver, but I think it's a very powerful tribute to the man himself. Bearer was a brilliant manager and he would've understood that this is all ultimately about making the show better. The developments that have occurred in the weeks since Bearer's death have made Punk vs. Undertaker a much grander spectacle than it would've been otherwise.

I think it's a safe assumption that when Undertaker's streak ends, so too will his career. Could it be this year? Could CM Punk be the 1 in 20-1? I highly doubt it. This will be an epic match but it won't be the last time we see the Phenom in action.

Projected Winner: The Undertaker

- World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. Jack Swagger w/Zeb Coulter

Jack Swagger is one of the more gifted athletes WWE has in their employ. He's a former All-American amateur wrestler, having garnered much attention for his collegiate career at the University of Oklahoma. His WWE career has been interesting, to say the least. He's been the ECW champion, United States champion, and World Heavyweight champion but he'd been noticeably absent since September of last year. He returned in February sporting a new attitude (which is more or less a mash-up of extreme Libertarian political views) and flanked by a manager/mouthpiece in the form of Zeb Coulter (who's perhaps better known as Dutch Mantell).

In between Swagger's return to competition and now, he was pulled over for speeding. When the officer involved searched his vehicle he was found to be in possession of marijuana and other drug-related paraphernalia. Swagger was arrested and charged with driving under the influence. This turn of events lead many to believe it might result in his being fired or otherwise buried (wrestling terminology for someone being demoted from a position of prominence). Fortunately for him, the push towards his facing Alberto Del Rio was already in play and it seems to have saved him from what likely would've been a major hiccup in his advancement - for the time being, anyway.

Alberto Del Rio has recently made a transition from villain to good guy. It hasn't exactly been the smoothest move in the history of the business as ADR had become one of the top bad guys around. There was no obvious inspiration for his character to change which made the shift feel clunky and forced. What's worse is that the feud with Swagger hasn't exactly set the wrestling world on fire. The whole thing stands to likely come out as a wash in the end with Swagger getting reprimanded in some way, shape or form and ADR moving on to whoever's next.

Projected Winner: Alberto Del Rio

- WWE Championship: The Rock (c) vs. John Cena

When Rock and Cena faced off last year at WM28, it was a matched billed as being "once in a lifetime". So much for that, I guess.

Having this match as the main event at WM29 is WWE's way of betting on a sure thing. This is a match that guarantees them mainstream attention. In one corner you've got John Cena - the face of the company, has been for a solid decade, isn't going anywhere any time soon. In the other corner you've got Rock - a hugely popular professional wrestler from the "attitude" era who's successfully transitioned into being a household name thanks to his having been embraced by Hollywood as a bankable action star. It's the kind of match that makes a man like Vince McMahon salivate at the mere thought of the thing.

To me, it's a fairly dull combination that has very little allure or mystique to it. Rock is a part-timer at most these days. He's an actor now, not a wrestler. As soon as he's done promoting GI JOE: Retaliation he'll vanish and won't be seen or heard from again on WWE programming until he needs to promote something else. That's not fair to the fans or the business, in my opinion.

John Cena will walk out of WM29 as the WWE Champion. He's the most consistent thing WWE has had throughout the modern era and there's a large chunk of the fanbase (read, women and children) that will flock to him no matter how repetitious he and his work may be. It only makes sense that he takes the belt from Rock because, as I said previously, Rock goes back to making movies when this show is over and done with.

If it sounds like I'm sour to the whole arrangement, that's very observant on your part. Quite frankly, I'm not a huge fan of either of these guys nor do I particularly care for the angle.

Projected Winner: John Cena

Narrow Seats are Narrow

My wife and I have had the opportunity to attend several events recently at Colonial Life Arena and Carolina Stadium, two major sports venues in Columbia, SC, the latter being home to the back-to-back National Champion University of South Carolina baseball team (I threw that last bit in there just because). They are marvelous facilities that I'm glad we have access to as they're truly modern day pantheons equipped with everything from WiFi to a wine list. Be that as it may, there's one aspect to them that I wish was different, and it has to do with basic comfort - specifically the comfort of one's posterior as impacted by the seats in these arenas and others like them.

I've never tried to hide the fact that I'm a bigger guy - not that I could hide it if I wanted to. I'm in the area of 6'2"-6'3" and, to make a football analogy, my body type would be best described as that of an offensive lineman (albeit one who doesn't go to the gym and doesn't diet all that properly). I shop in the big & tall section. I have trouble finding shoes that fit because I wear a size 14 extra-wide and most manufacturers/retailers seem to think mens feet stop growing around size 12 (seriously, next time you're in a Rack Room Shoes or a similar store, count the number of shoes you see in size 14 or above). That said, I admit that when it comes to the physical dimensions of human beings I'm definitely an exception instead of the norm - always have been, always will be. For while I could lose weight, there's no hope of my becoming much less wide than I am right now short of having my pelvis, ribcage and internal organ placement reconfigured.

That's not an elective surgery I'll be signing up for any time soon.

There's a well-known quote attributed to famed professional wrestling commentator/talent coordinator Jim Ross that goes something like "I don't care who wins or who loses, so long as there's an ass every 18 inches I'm happy", his point being to state that the measure of success in his industry is about ticket sales more so than anything else. I'm not sure if Ross was aware of it or not when he made that comment, but he's actually quite accurate when it comes to depicting the space between rear-ends at most coliseums.

I've done extensive research on the subject (read, I Google'd "average stadium seat width") and based on my results (which are highly scientific in nature, needless to say) the typical seat width you'll find in any given arena is between 17"-20". To get an idea of what that looks like, take two pieces of ordinary copier paper and place them side-by-side. What you've got is more or less the same width and depth (14" is the norm in terms of depth) of most stadium seating. By contrast, the seat on my recliner is 23" wide and almost as deep.

The width and depth restrictions are bad but the kicker when it comes to arena seating is the "arm rests". I use quotation marks because while they are capable of serving as legitimate arm rests their true function is that of immovable barriers of butt containment and isolation. They ensure that every posterior has a more or less equal amount of inhabitable real estate for use over the course of an event. In the case of someone like myself, what they actually serve as is a vice grip - except unlike an actual vice there's no hope of adjustment, just the same level of near torturous restriction.

Does that come off as something that would be comfortable to sit in for a couple hours? Now imagine it's made from a hard material like plastic, wood or metal. To take it even further, imagine you're wedged in between two guys like me the whole time. Still want to pay your hard-earned money to go to that next big concert or sporting event?

[SIDE NOTE: I mention paying for tickets to events - I think that's a factor I can add into this discussion as it is something that definitely serves to exacerbate the issue of pain in the buns. I brought up Colonial Life Arena earlier in this entry; that building will soon serve as host to such artists as Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, and Justin Bieber. The face value for tickets to those concerts will set you back $63.50, $86.50, and $95, respectively. (That's not including the cost of other expenses that come along with going to an event such as parking, which runs between $10-$20.) I will admit to having paid some high ticket prices in the past (I believe I paid around $90 to see Metallica almost a decade ago - we were in the front row and I got guitar picks from James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett so it was worth it for me), but the cost of attendance has become extremely exorbitant these days, so much so that fans have started to really question whether or not it's worth it. To me, that's what's happening to NASCAR. The TV coverage is so good (even though the racing itself isn't always that exciting) and the events so expensive that people seem to have realized it's just as well that they stay home.]

As I said earlier, I'm a big guy. For the sake of this blog entry, I measured the breadth of my chest from shoulder to shoulder and it was in the area of 27". (I haven't had cause to buy a sport coat or be fitted for a similar garment in roughly 3 years, so forgive me for referencing what is certainly an accurate albeit less than precise measurement.) My hips aren't that much narrower than my shoulders. How do you put something that's 27" wide into a seat that's 17" wide? You can take my word that it's not an easy task as different seats require different derriere depositing methods. With some stadium seats brute force works best; gravity will only drag things down so far, you see. These are generally the seats that I loathe the most as they're usually the ones that leave my tush quite sore, sometimes to the point of leaving bruises. (I've had bruising on my knees from spending hours shoved into a row of seats as well - the curvature of the seat backs combined with the narrow gap between rows only adds to my already high level of discomfort.) Other seats I've found can best be accessed by first sitting down on the edge of the seat then sliding back into the bucket. It takes some trial and error but fortunately I've yet to find a seat that I absolutely cannot get into.

[SIDE NOTE #2: I take that last statement back - I have found seats I can't get into, but not stadium seats.

When my wife & I went to the Magic Kingdom last November I was quite bummed that my ability to ride a lot of the attractions in those theme parks was limited. Oddly enough, the issue wasn't seat width or depth rather it was the length of my legs that inhibited the restraints from being fully engaged. The first time this happened to me was on Space Mountain; I'd gotten into the car and when the lap bar dropped it hit my knees. I tried to get my legs into a position that would allow me to ride but that effort was to no avail.

I'm assuming this has become a recurring problem for ride operators to have to deal with. We noticed at Universal Studios that there are test seats outside many of the attractions so that patrons can see if they'll be able to fit into the cars prior to boarding. I'm sure there's a joke to be made here about this being unnecessary except for the fact that people nowadays are fatter than ever. Even so, if this is a known trend amongst the masses (pun intended) then why not just make the cars bigger?]

The scenario I painted in a previous paragraph of a person being unwittingly wedged in between two men similar to myself is one that my poor wife has had to endure a number of times. She's a trooper, though, and finds ways to get through those occasions, sometimes with a bit of ingenuity. (Typically I'll throw an arm around her as this takes away a bit of my width and gives us both more comfort, even though it usually winds up with me having to watch where my hand winds up - some people don't like it when a dude they've never met touches them on the shoulder or knee oddly enough.) She and a fellow female attendee to a Ring of Honor pro wrestling card in Charlotte, NC we went to devised a method for improving the comfort level for quite a few people at said event. The show was held in a building that wasn't much more than a warehouse with folding chairs set up for seating. For the sake of security, wrestling fans being the lively sort that we are, the chairs had all been zip-tied together. The other female fan realized that she could remedy the situation by snipping the zip-ties with a pair of fingernail clippers; suddenly we went from being packed into our row like sardines in a can to sitting sprawled out and as comfortable as could be.

[SIDE NOTE #3: While writing of the story about modifying ROH's seating I was reminded of another situation that happened at a different ROH event, one that I hesitate to share because of the individual it involves but that I'm going to put out there anyway.

ROH made use of the same zip-tied chairs for this event, and we'd planned accordingly by bringing fingernail clippers. We adjusted the seats to give ourselves more room but there was one fan whose physical condition necessitated having even more room than I. I don't want it to sound like I'm making fun of him but he was morbidly obese, probably 500 lbs. if not more. He had separated his chair and moved it to a position that put him almost in line with us, which also meant that he gave himself a free upgrade seeing as how he went from having a seat in the general admission section to one that was worth significantly more than those. My wife wasn't thrilled with his presence for another reason; he had what sounded like a couple dollars worth of quarters in his pocket and jingled them incessantly, and this was getting on her nerves.

I haven't pointed it out until now but the folding chairs ROH used were the kind that have metal legs and plastic panels. They tend to feel flimsy to me, and now you know where I'm going with this story...

Towards the end of the show, this guy's chair gave up its will to live and collapsed under his weight. He hit the floor to a raucous calamity, his stash of quarters went rolling away in mass exodus, and he laid there on the ground with an expression on his face as if he were in shock. He eventually got up after being assisted by myself and a few others, gathered his quarters, fetched himself another chair, and returned to the same spot he'd been occupying previously as if nothing had ever happened.]

Unfortunately, you'd need a much more heavy duty piece of equipment than a pair of fingernail clippers to make the kind of arena seating we've been encountering more comfortable, and something even more powerful than a backhoe to get those who are in the business of building, operating and maintaining these facilities to even consider using seats wider than they are now. The point of any business is to make money, after all - in their case the more seats in a venue, the more money there is to be made from putting butts into them. Even butts like mine. So it is that the decision becomes either avoiding events because of issues like these or going to them regardless for the love of the thing.

I guess dealing with a couple sore cheeks isn't so bad every now and then.

Those Crazy Brazilians and Their Steakhouses

It doesn't take much more than a cursory glance at yours beardly to see that I'm a fellow who's rather fond of eating. I always have been, truth be told - it seems like food is an attachment that I have to some of my fondest memories. Case in point, when I was a child someone asked me "Why are you so big?" (I wasn't just a husky kid, I was also a rather tall lad for my age as well.) My response was to tell them that if they ate my Grandmother's cooking all the time they'd probably be big like me, too!

That was meant as a compliment to my Grandma, by the way. I make sure to point that out lest I come off as making it seem like I was implicating her in a negative light for my being the way I am.

I'm writing this entry as a tribute to a restaurant chain that's quickly become a favorite for my wife and I. I don't want this post to push me into the realm of being considered a "foodie" because I can't think of many more ridiculous culturally identifying terms than that and I would just as soon not get lumped into whatever psychosis agreeing to be labeled as such may involve. That said, allow me to introduce you to Cowboy Brazilian Steakhouse.

Cowboy Brazilian Steakhouse

Yes, it's called Cowboy Brazilian Steakhouse, not Cowboy's Brazilian Steakhouse. I'm a stickler when it comes to grammar and mechanics, so trust me when I say I've mulled over the spelling for quite some time. I've come to my own conclusion that the "Brazilian Steakhouse" portion of the name is more than likely there for descriptive purposes than anything else.

Truth be told, I had never heard of a Brazilian steakhouse prior to February of 2012. It was then that while attending a software conference in Greensboro, NC I had my first exposure to an eatery falling into that particular genre in the form of Leblon Churrascaria. I was there with a friend & co-worker from my previous employer; the two of us partnered up with a representative from the company putting on the conference that we'd gotten to know rather well who happens to be from Venezuela (if you're not up on the geography of the region, Brazil and Venezuela aren't that far from one another). The idea was brought up that we try out a local Brazilian steakhouse. Suffice to say that I was blown away by the experience. It wasn't long after we'd returned home that the idea of seeking out other similar restaurants became stuck in my mind.

If you've never been to a Brazilian steakhouse, the presentation could be best described as a procession of awesomeness. You begin with a trip to the salad bar, which in no way does justice to the sort of food you'll find there. The salad bar includes actual salads like potato, tuna and chicken salad but it also has things like shrimp cocktail, smoked salmon (something that I developed an affinity for whilst on our honeymoon cruise to the Bahamas), and fresh mozzarella cheese. Also, there's a hot foods section to the salad bar that features mashed potatoes, broccoli Alfredo, white rice, Brazilian black beans, and, my personal favorite, mushrooms stewed in a balsamic reduction. (PRO-TIP: Use the broth from the mushrooms as a gravy for the mashed potatoes and put the black beans over the rice.) There are too many items on the salad bar for me to name them all individually, and as you might guess it's rather easy to become overwhelmed by its expanse and have it consume your capacity for enjoying the remainder of the meal. Don't let yourself get full just from offerings on the salad bar, in other words - there's a lot of other stuff to enjoy. This is only the opening salvo of your dining experience, after all.

The main event of a meal at any Brazilian steakhouse is the rodizio (the style of service) where gouchos (carvers) bring an assortment of meats to your table for you to sample and enjoy. Your waiter will give you the ins-and-outs of how the serving process works if you've never dined in a restaurant like Cowboy before. (They will also give you something of an appetizer in the form of fried bananas, fried polenta, and Brazilian cheese bread. The bananas and bread are great but the polenta has yet to really do anything for me.) It's a simple premise in that you're given a token - which looks a bit like an over-sized poker chip - that has a green side and a red side. When you're ready to be served, flip your token to the green side and the gouchos will begin visiting your table; when you're in need of a break, just flip the token over to the red side and they'll know you're taking a breather.

This may sound like a tremendously gluttonous comment (which I'm not sure why I'm concerned about seeing as how a restaurant like Cowboy is purpose made for admitted gluttons like myself) but I would recommend that you leave your token on the green side for the majority of your meal. Why? This is an all-you-can eat arrangement, however there's a bit of a challenge to it in that you never know what selection of meat will be coming around or how often it will come around. Better to have the opportunity to accept an offering than to deny it altogether, is essentially what I'm getting at. Just because a goucho offers you a certain cut doesn't mean you have to accept it. Don't want the garlic steak? No problem, politely tell the goucho you'd like to pass or, better yet, do so and ask that he have one of his comrades bring over some of what you're craving.

The meats are prepared and brought out on skewers and the gouchos will serve you a portion of their selection. A small pair of tongs comes bundled with your silverware. You could say the tongs are the interactive portion of the meal as they are what you'll use to assist the gouchos in taking the meat from the skewer to your plate. You can expect to find such cuts as filet Mignon wrapped in bacon, Parmesan-crusted pork tenderloin, leg of lamb, top loin, and many, many more. I'm not kidding - the menu at Cowboy features SIXTEEN cuts of meat. Now you know why I said it's important not to fill yourself up by overdoing it at the salad bar!

Personally speaking, I have yet to try any of the meats which I haven't thoroughly enjoyed, however I'll say that my favorites at Cowboy have to be the filet mignon wrapped in bacon, the house special Picanha (or top/rump loin), and the lamb loin. I wasn't aware of the fact that I enjoy lamb prior to eating at Cowboy - it just goes to show you that an outing like this can open your eyes to a wealth of tastes and flavors that you'd never had previously. That's one of the things I enjoy most about getting out and trying new restaurants, the chance to partake in unique culinary formulations. Some people like to jump out of perfectly good aircraft, I like eating. To each their own.

Of course there are desserts served at Cowboy as well. I can't recall all of the dessert options but I vaguely remember there being traditional New York-style cheesecake, turtle cheesecake, creme brulee, Brazilian flan, and some sort of chocolate layer cake (there may be 1 or 2 others). Should you have room for one, I would recommend trying either the traditional New York-style cheesecake or the turtle cheesecake. I'm a cheesecake fan, though, so you may want to go in a different direction depending on your individual taste. My wife, for example, loves chocolate and adores the chocolate layer cake.

It goes without saying that if you are of the vegetarian or vegan persuasion that you will not find much on the menu at Cowboy to sustain you. There are a few veggie-based items on the salad bar but I'm not quite sure why someone who subscribes to the herbivore lifestyle would even set foot in a steakhouse of any variety.

In terms of price, as you might expect from my description, Cowboy isn't exactly on the cheap end of the spectrum. Unlimited access to the salad bar and full rodizio is $30 per person, however you can have just the salad bar for $17. These price points do not include beverage, dessert, or gratuity. While $30 may seem high, I would contend that if you go to a restaurant like this and don't eat $30 worth of food you've done something wrong. These are brilliant cuts of meat perfectly prepared and served to you with a unique flair. To me, it's worth the expense.

Cowboy has three locations in South Carolina: North Charleston, Columbia, and Spartanburg - so far, my wife & I have dined at the restaurants in Columbia and North Charleston (I'm trying to plot a reason to bother with driving to Spartanburg just to say we've been to all three). Both the locations we've visited delivered consistency in terms of the food but I am going to give a rub to the North Charleston location, which just opened in December of 2012. The food there seemed a smidge better for whatever reason, however that's not to say the food in Columbia has ever been bad as I would (and will) certainly go there again. Another advantage their restaurant in North Charleston has is its location as the property it occupies is a stand-alone building that was a formerly a Piccadilly (a cafeteria-style restaurant chain that once had several outposts in South Carolina; they've all closed, unfortunately). It has great parking and is conveniently located of I526. The Columbia location is in the middle of downtown. If you know anything about downtown Columbia, you know where I'm going with this commentary: Parking and accessibility. While there is free valet parking available to Cowboy patrons, I would just as soon avoid the hassle of getting into downtown Columbia on any given evening as the area is typically a mob scene of cars, pedestrians, and all the craziness an active bar scene tends to generate. I hate to have to level criticism at what is a great restaurant based on where it happens to be but in all fairness it's worth mentioning. Seeing as how that's the only genuinely negative thing I have to say about it should give you real insight as to the quality of these restaurants.