Fantasy Movie Casting: "The Dresden Files"

Several years ago I was introduced to a series of novels by author Jim Butcher titled "The Dresden Files".  TDF follows the adventures of Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden (named after 3 famous stage magicians - Harry Houdini, Harry Blackstone, Sr., and David Copperfield) who works as a paranormal investigator in Chicago, Illinois and who is also a very powerful wizard.  Swords and sorcery with a modern twist, as it were.  I fell in love with the mythology, thanks mostly to Butcher's wit and excellent sense of storytelling, and quickly absorbed the material, reading the first twelve books of the series in relatively short order (I have the thirteenth book - "Ghost Story" - at home now) and I eagerly await the opportunity to see where the group of characters making up this series will be taken to with each new iteration.

The popularity of the novels made it a hot commodity and as such a television series was developed.  I'd not gotten into the world of Harry Dresden when the TV series originally aired on the Sci Fi Channel in 2007 (Side Note - It still bothers me that the Sci Fi Channel is now the SyFy Channel...I know, it's a gimmick, but it looks dumb and if pronounced literally it would sound like siff-ee.) and I've not yet bothered to watch any episodes of the series (it only ran for one season) mainly because it appears that there were significant liberties taken with the source material in adapting it for TV.  I'm not entirely opposed to alterations being made when it comes to translating a work of literature to a medium like television because there are many logistical issues that can stand in the way of successfully doing so.  However, I take great exception to the practice when characters are altered entirely because some random producer feels their vision will work better than the original incarnation.  This being the case, I felt like I - speaking on behalf of Dresden fans everywhere - should do Hollywood a favor and submit what is, in my eyes, a definitive cast that would do great justice to bringing "The Dresden Files" to the silver screen.

Please note that this list of characters contains only a select few of the primary cast of recurring characters.  To me, these are the characters holding the most significant roles within the saga.  As you might imagine with a series that is now better than a decade old, the supporting players are numerous (more than 60, according to a Wikipedia article on the subject) and if I were to try and cast them all I'd never make it through to the end.

HARRY DRESDEN - Bradley Cooper

Dresden is a heroically tragic figure as he quite regularly gets his ass handed to him in fights which he's gotten caught up in thanks to his sense of fierce loyalty to friends and allies.  Truth be told, there has been at least one scenario in every Dresden novel where I've thought to myself, "Jim Butcher must really hate this guy else he wouldn't write him into these situations..." (This is, of course, a classic tactic for building an audience's appreciation for a hero.) Nevertheless, through it all he maintains a relentless drive to do what's right and his razor sharp sarcastic humor.

I feel like Bradley Cooper - who also happens to share many of Harry's physical characteristics - could quite simply dye his hair black, get into wardrobe, and be fully capable of bringing Dresden to life.  Cooper has the charisma and acting ability to carry the weight of being a leading man, but he hasn't yet had a career-defining role that would forever put him into the upper echelon of actors who're adored for their efforts.  For these reasons, he's an ideal choice to play the part of Harry Dresden.

KARRIN MURPHY - Jennifer Aniston

Karrin Murphy (more often referred to simply as Murphy) is a veteran of the Chicago Police Department who - despite her abilities as an officer - has been relegated to managing the special investigations division.  She, much like Dresden, has stuck her nose a little too deep into the business of others, her superiors specifically, and doing so has wound up killing her career.  SI is essentially a "catch-all" office responsible for handling cases deemed out of the ordinary or in some way related to the paranormal.  A dedication to her work and the realization that some things going on in the world around her can't be explained by other means is what puts her on a path to encountering Harry.

When I began thinking about actresses who could take on Karrin Murphy, there were only a few who came to mind and an admittedly sinister ulterior motive (which will be revealed later) is what ultimately lead me to my choice.  Jennifer Aniston has never been involved in a big budget action flick or anything related the science fiction/fantasy genre, and that's what makes me think she'd be ideal.  A part like this would be a true shot in the arm for her career as it would be a big step away from the parts for which she's become known - a real opportunity to stretch her legs, as it were.

BOB - Bill Murray

Bob isn't so much a who as he is a what.  Bob is an air spirit of intellect with no tactile form; he exists within an enchanted human skull that Dresden keeps in his laboratory.  When active, Bob's essence glows with an orange hue from the eye sockets of the skull.  It's difficult to describe Bob and his abilities; to put it in terms of technological analogy, Bob is like a massive hard drive filled with information about people, creatures, places, and events in our realm as well as the Nevernever (which is a dimension beyond our own from whence beings like Bob originate).  He's a vast resource of knowledge that Harry makes use of quite regularly (wizards and electronics don't get along; since Harry can do damage to machines like computers by just being around them, having Bob around is invaluable).  As such, you might think he's a real downer to be around but the opposite is quite true as Bob appreciates Harry's humor, has a fondness for romance novels, and absolutely loves boobs.

The role of Bob would be a pure voiceover assignment.  So why Bill Murray?  By in large, Bob is a wise-cracking smart aleck who is able to trade quips with Harry like no one else in the Dresden-verse.  Personally, when I think of actors who've made a career out of being wise-cracking smart alecks, Bill Murray is pretty close to the top of the list.  What may present a challenge here is that there have been occasions where Bob's personality shifts entirely, usually based on who's taken possession of him, as he's gone from happy go lucky to downright homicidal within the course of one story.  Call it an opportunity for Murray to expand his range - I think he could pull it off.

SUSAN RODRIGUEZ - Jessica Biel

Every hero who is surrounded by tragedy will almost certainly owe at least some of his heartache to a romantic relationship gone sour, and this is exactly the case for Harry Dresden.  Susan Rodriguez initially encounters Dresden while working as a reporter for a tabloid newspaper specializing in all-things paranormal.  Their relationship quickly goes from cordial to coital (See what I did there?) and the two seem nearly inseparable - that is until Susan is bitten by a vampire of the Red Court (in the Dresden-verse there are two vampire "families", the Red Court and the White Court; neither are particularly cheery but the reds are by far the most horrible).

The potential for chemistry between actors, especially those who will be engaged in an on-screen romantic relationship, is an important consideration to make when casting.  As you may or may not be aware, Jessica Biel and Bradley Cooper have swapped spit (it dawned on me whilst writing this particular paragraph that the phrase "swapped spit" doesn't get used nearly enough) previously as they were an item in The A-Team.  The role wouldn't necessarily be physically demanding at first but that changes as Susan metamorphoses from her human form to that of an individual fighting to maintain her humanity by denying the hunger of the demon inside her after she's attacked by vampires.  Biel has had exposure to action and vampires in Blade: Trinity, making her even more ideal for the part.

THOMAS RAITH - Chris Hemsworth

Thomas Raith is a vampire of the White Court and an heir to the throne of their kingdom, for lack of a better term.  Thomas' lineage is somewhat complicated by the fact that he's the offspring of a vampire (his father, Lord Raith) and a human woman (a fact which will also complicate his relationship with Dresden).  Unlike Red Court vampires, those of the White Court don't sap the life force of their victims via physical attacks.  Rather they rely on their inherent natural beauty to woo humans into their presence, making them feel a sensation of bliss derived from intense sexual arousal which takes away all other needs and desires, and essentially drain energy from their captives by way of an outpouring of emotion.

Thomas has been described by Harry as being the "Lost Greek God of Body Cologne" and "the High Priest of Bowflex".  Anyone who's seen Chris Hemsworth's recent work in Thor knows that the guy is not only a talented actor but that he also happens to be in incredible physical condition.  I think he'd make a valuable addition to the cast and add much to the depth of the presentation.

LARA RAITH - Angelina Jolie

Lara Raith is Thomas Raith's elder sister.  Her beauty is only outmatched by her ability to manipulate those around her as she has proven time and time again to be a masterful schemer in the art of seduction.  Having taken an intense interest in usurping the potential power beheld by her siblings, Lara has over time been able to all but assume control of the White Court (her father remains his kingship but is not more than a figurehead).  She and Harry have crossed paths on multiple occasions and have maintained something of a workable relationship as both characters know their ends may only be met by way of means the other can provide.

Remember when I wrote earlier in this piece about casting Jennifer Aniston for a reason?  Well, here's that ulterior motive I mentioned.  I'm fairly certain that simply having Aniston and Jolie in the same film would make people interested in seeing it.  I'm not recommending her for the part solely because of a desire to take advantage of the human interest angle, though, as Jolie is an ideal candidate to portray Lara (even though it would mean her being known as two Lara's - Raith and Croft).  Her work in Beowulf is evidence that she can devour scenes while handling the role of a villainess.

EBENEZAR MCCOY - Tommy Lee Jones

Ebenezar McCoy is an incredibly powerful wizard and senior member of the White Council, a governing body (The White Council itself is presided over by the Merlin - who isn't the original Merlin but rather a wizard given the title of Merlin. Confused yet?) that presides over all individuals recognized as having a talent for wizardry and witchcraft by enforcing the seven Laws of Magic.  McCoy is also Harry Dresden's mentor and almost certainly Harry's most powerful ally.  McCoy functions as something of a moral compass for Harry but their relationship is damaged when it is revealed that Ebenezar is the White Council's "blackstaff" - a designation given to a wizard of the White Council to function outside of the laws of magic, meaning he has been given free reign to do anything necessary in order to protect the interests of the White Council (and I do mean anything).

McCoy is one of my favorite characters of the series.  He's one of several characters that I always look forward to learning more about and seeing as how McCoy is more than 200 years old (wizards can live to be an extraordinary age but they are not immortal or any less susceptible to injury than you or I) there's plenty more to tell than what's been told thus far.  That said, I could think of no one else I'd sooner see play McCoy than Tommy Lee Jones who, not surprisingly, is one of my favorite actors.  The grizzled yet still emotionally identifiable presentation that Jones brings to his performances has made him an icon in my eyes and there is literally no one else I would have in the role - as in if I were actually able to cast this film and he said no I'd more than likely say to the producer, "MOVIE'S OFF, CANCEL KRAFT SERVICES, EVERYONE GO HOME!"

MICHAEL CARPENTER - Ray Stevenson

Michael Carpenter is one of three individuals who are recognized as being Knights of the Cross, an ancient organization given the divine right to carry enchanted swords embedded with one of the nails used to crucify Jesus Christ. (Michael's sword, Amoracchius, is believed to be Excalibur, the mythical Sword in the Stone as it was at one point in time entrusted to Merlin - as in the original Merlin not some other guy.) Michael, not surprisingly, is a devout Christian and quite often rubs Harry the wrong way with his persistent trust that through all trials God's will holds what's best for each of us.  Despite this, Michael knows that at Harry's center is a desire to do what's right, and Harry values Michael's friendship and council.

Ray Stevenson isn't exactly a household name.  He's had some mainstream exposure with roles in movies such as Punisher: War Zone, King Arthur, and The Book of Eli (if you haven't seen Eli, do yourself a favor and do so - very profound movie that hasn't been fully appreciated yet, in my opinion).  Why Stevenson?  It's a role that would allow him to establish himself as being more than a bit-player, for one, as most of his gigs have been as supporting cast up to this point.  Michael Carpenter is a pillar of a man, resolute in his beliefs and sturdy to his core.  Stevenson, with his gravel-y voice, domineering physical presence, and rugged good looks is an ideal choice.

CHARITY CARPENTER - Gillian Anderson

Charity Carpenter, Michael's wife, is just shy of being worthy of the old battleaxe tag so many strong-willed women have been burdened with.  However, being the wife of a Knight of the Cross and mother to seven (yes, SEVEN) children gives her the right to be who she is - a protective woman willing to do anything to preserve the safety of her family.  She at first tolerates Harry's presence around Michael, thinking him to be a source of great danger (and rightfully so), but her stance softens with time after she realizes that Harry would lay down his own life for a member of her family.  It will be revealed that she, like many characters within the Dresden-verse, is harboring a deep secret of which not even her husband is aware.

By a show of hands, who amongst you reading this has never seen an episode of The X-Files?  How awesome was that show?!  I miss the ongoing adventures of Mulder and Scully, for crying out loud!  That said, I think it's time Gillian Anderson got back on the horse and did something with a large scope and feel to it.  She's been keeping busy with smaller projects since the curtain closed on X-Files and now that she's a three-time mother and a bit older (wow, I felt bad having to write that she's qualified because she's older - Hollywood is a fickle beast) I feel like she'd be able to pour her personal experiences into the role.  On top of that, her geek-icon status would do well to attract audiences, making her welcome addition to the cast for an entirely different reason.

MOLLY CARPENTER - Chloe Moretz

Molly Carpenter is the oldest child of Michael and Charity Carpenter.  A rebellious teenager, Molly inadvertently breaks one of the Laws of Magic by using a form of mind control (an ability which Molly was able to cultivate on her own after having noticed her abilities) to help several of her friends kick their drug addictions and having done so draws the attention of the White Council.  Regardless of her noble intentions, the White Council identifies her use of black magic as a potential threat and thereby seeks to punish her accordingly - by chopping off her head (the White Council isn't exactly lenient when it comes to dealing with apparent heretics; they believe that once a person has taken a path away from harnessing their powers through proper training ["proper training" being techniques and values endorsed by the White Council, thereby conditioning the beliefs system of a particular individual] that they're more or less an enemy combatant).  Harry, McCoy, Michael, and others come to her aid and manage to prevent her demise, after which she becomes Harry's apprentice.

The character of Molly is one that we literally watch as she grows up and matures from one novel to the next.  This being the case, it would be a welcome idea to cast an actress who - for the sake of consistency - could maintain her presence in the series without the role having to be re-cast every so often.  At 14 years of age presently Chloe Moretz, perhaps better known as Hit Girl from Kick Ass, is exactly that.  Moretz is a blossoming talent and the role of Molly would give her a chance to establish herself within a character that will grow significantly over the course of the series.

"GENTLEMAN" JOHNNY MARCONE - George Clooney

 A crime lord whose rise to power has landed him in control of Chicago's underworld, "Gentleman" Johnny Marcone presents a man who is most accurately described as being a double-edged sword.  On the one hand, as a mafioso, he's an adversary of Dresden - be that as it may, Marcone and Dresden often find themselves working together.  Like most mob bosses of legend, Marcone isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty if it means protecting his interests.  On the other hand, Marcone has shown that while he may be a criminal he is not without some sense of morality.  Marcone feels great remorse for injuries suffered by a young girl who happened to be caught in the crossfire during an attempt to murder him by a rival gang, and has gone to great lengths to provide care for her after the fact.

Marcone, in my mind, is equal parts savvy businessman and criminal genius but the line between one and the other is often blurred.  George Clooney has the capacity to capture the look of both aspects of Marcone's personality, but more importantly he is more than talented enough to play a cool, calculating mastermind of the underworld.  You may think I would point to his swing as Danny Ocean in the Oceans 11 films, however for this I actually think his work in From Dusk Til Dawn would be a more appropriate source of justification.  Therein his character is a violent felon confronted with supernatural baddies (vampires) who finds himself having to help a group of people he wouldn't have normally cared less about in order to save his own skin, and in the end he shows signs of compassion for those who've fought alongside him.

WALDO BUTTERS - Neil Grayston

It seems that every courageous hero must, by default, have a bumbling, cowardly yet able to be inspired sidekick.  Waldo Butters is exactly that for Harry Dresden.  A medical examiner by trade and one-man polka band by the grace of the Almighty (as Michael Carpenter might say), Butters landed himself in psychiatric treatment after having performed autopsies on the remains of several vampires which he declared in his reports as being "human-like but not human".  He was allowed to resume his work but demoted for his efforts.  He's since become Harry's go-to resource for medical attention (Have I mentioned that Dresden gets beat up, and frequently?) as Dresden trusts Butters because of his having been thrust into the world of the paranormal.

Unless you're a frequent viewer of Eureka on the SyFy Channel you more than likely have no idea who Neil Grayston is.  In Eureka, Grayston plays Douglas Fargo who's a brilliant but socially awkward scientist.  Grayston is another example of a young actor whose career could greatly benefit from a role in a big-time production such as this as it would be a recurring part in an expansive universe.  Butters is a beloved character by fans of the Dresden novels and I feel like Grayston is a genuinely likeable guy, which is just another feather in his cap when it comes to his involvement with the project.

Internet = Serious Business

I remember my first computer - my first actual computer, that is.  I had a Commodore 64 but seeing as how I never did anything with it other than play games (What else was I supposed to do with it?  Cut me some slack, I was 5 years old.) I don't think it really counts.  That first PC was a behemoth of a machine, a Packard Bell model that, along with its monitor, weighed just slightly less than a Smart Car with half a dozen midgets inside the thing.  My parents had gotten it for me in the mid-1990's with the intention of it being a great asset in doing my schoolwork.  Consequently I spent more time on it customizing my race cars in NASCAR Racing and chasing down TIE fighters in X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter than doing anything remotely related to my studies.  Around that same time our local telecom provider began offering a strange new form of communication called email and along with it came connectivity to this thing called the Internet, which we accessed via a telephone line and dial-up modem.

Oh, if I had only known then what I know now about how the world would be forever changed by that strange Internet thingie...

In activating my email account, I was asked what I'd like to have as my user name.  The representative I was working with at the telecom company suggested that I use a nickname or something other than my actual name for the sake of security.  So, being the dumb kid that I was, I used the only nickname I had at the time - "Big Dog", stemming from my plethora of t-shirts from BIG DOGS - for my first ever Internet handle.  Not exactly a professional-sounding moniker, needless to say, but it served me well enough.  Within short order of setting up the account and going online I was communicating with people by way of email (Anyone remember Eudora Lite?), mainly other locals who'd also picked up on the infantile technology.  However, I was also in touch with others, people I didn't know but had encountered on the web by way of one method or the other.  Some of my favorite pen pals, as it were, were a group of writers at a video gaming magazine called Ultra Game Players (which sadly doesn't exist anymore) that ran goofy ideas for games as part of their letters section.  The game idea submissions were, in most cases, fairly irreverent albeit hilarious.  I began firing away ideas at them and before long I had several of my submissions published (there was no cash prize involved, I'm sad to say).  When asked what name I wanted associated with the publication I didn't use my real name, rather a set of pen names.

So it was that within a very narrow span of time that I'd gone from being myself to big_dog@infoave.net (go ahead, send email there - some other dope has that account now), to a set of other names which were not my own.  In doing so I became part of a trend that has been an aspect of participating in the community that is the Internet since day one of public usage.  That being, people quickly realized that they weren't necessarily required to operate under their own identity or, more importantly, their own personality whilst online.  You might be Joe T. Bumsniffer - an easy-going, semi-bashful, introverted kind of guy - in the real world but on the web?

I AM FLAMING_SWORD917, KNEEL BEFORE MY AWESOMENESS YOU PEONS!!!!!

You're not a successful person in reality?  That's okay, be a doctor/lawyer/astronaut on the web!

You can't drum up the courage to talk to an attractive girl?  No problem, you can be Don Juan Suave online!

You don't have the personal accountability to express your opinions without fear of retribution from society?  Who cares, you're not writing those things yourself - your alter-ego did it!

The point of all this is to say that the nature of the Internet encourages a climate of pseudo-anonymity.  When people are online, they feel like they're safe because even though they are connected to the rest of the world they have a sense that they're protected, that whatever content they generate will somehow be confined to that little box or gadget by which they've accessed the web.  What's more, they appreciate the opportunity to do things that they'd otherwise never do, living off the thrill of getting to be outspoken, heroic, villainous, amorous, or otherwise expressive of whatever recessive personality traits their perverted mind may be secretly harboring.

Right now you may be thinking to yourself, "If this guy is being critical of people who are on the web using made-up personalities he ought to take a look in the mirror!", and you'd be right.  I didn't use my real name when I branded this blog for 2 reasons: 1) I've never been bashful about it being known that I'm the man otherwise known as Red Beard (one of them, anyway - it's not exactly an original idea for a nickname so there's obviously plenty of others who might claim it as well) and 2) "Robert's Rambling" just doesn't have the same connotation to it as "RedBEARD's Rambling".  It reminds me of this scene from Raising Arizona (a personal favorite of mine).

FBI Investigator: Is it true your name was originally 'Nathan Huffheinz'? 
Nathan: Yeah, what of it? 
FBI Investigator: Why did you change it? 
Nathan: Would you buy furniture from a place called 'Unpainted Huffheinz'?

Part of running a successful blog (or any website, for that matter) is about having a gimmick and the presentation to go along with it, so pardon my showmanship while I give you a guarantee that this isn't schtick - what I write herein is my own set of opinions, like them or not, and I'm not shy about claiming them.  This is in contrast to some folks who sit behind their keyboards and act as if they're Conan the Destroyer but if you were to ever call them out on something they've done on the web they'd panic and collapse like a house of cards built on a waterbed.

There's a growing shift away from Internet handles thanks to many online communities taking advantage of integration through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter (@redb3ard - cheap plug) whereby comment sections on websites that had once been populated by faceless trolls are now suddenly made up of actual people.  All this has done is given users enough rope with which to hang themselves.  They may not be operating under a convenient veil of secrecy (which is a complete farce; every activity you engage in online can be traced and linked back to its point of origin) but they still feel a sense of security in that they can post prose or imagery at will without fear of retribution or reprisal in the real world.  As ESPN college football analyst Lee Corso might say, "Not so fast, my friend!"  Your comments follow you from the web to reality and influence the way others perceive you even though they may never meet the "real" you (whoever that may be).  As I've mentioned earlier, the comfort and security that the web allows for is a terribly dangerous sensation to give into.  You may not believe me but I've seen first hand what can happen when a person without enough gumption to keep their fingers off a keyboard inadvertently triggers a feud that would make the Hatfields and McCoys proud.  Would those folks have had the wherewithal to hold their tongues if they were having actual conversations instead of trading posts online?  Possibly, but the fact remains that they're more likely to make their feelings known because of the relative safety conveyed by not having to stand in front of their rival.

On the extreme end of the consequences of actions taken in virtual reality crossing over into real reality is the fact that more than just your reputation with the locals might be ruined by way of online activities.  There are plenty of examples of people who've been convicted of crimes for having made their less-than-legal exploits public by way of Facebook, many of which may never have even been known about had they not given in to the urge to get attention or some semblance of fame from their actions.

A more identifiable kind of online activity is when something is written with the intention of being a joke only for it to be taken seriously by someone who can't detect sarcasm or humor at which point they fly off the handle with a tirade that's often more amusing to observe than the original bit of joviality had been.  To the credit of these individuals, tone of delivery isn't always easy to sense when you're dealing with printed text.  I think this was the intention behind emoticons which can be an asset in getting your point across - assuming the person who can't tell a joke from a genuinely snide remark can distinguish a colon followed by another symbol as being a representation of emotion, that is.

My general rule of thumb when it comes to reading or viewing anything online is to automatically take it as being either: A) Complete BS, B) a piece of content that is intended to be entertaining yet might get taken the wrong way (meaning I should probably keep my thoughts to myself and go somewhere else, pronto), or C) a desperate cry for attention that unless it comes off as being horribly legitimate in its scope should be thoroughly ignored.

Scenario A is the most easily identifiable - or so it should be, but this might just be me seeing as how I tend to function with my BS Detector set to maximum yield at all times - and should be immediately dismissed (although laughing riotously at it first is perfectly acceptable).  Scenario B can go a couple of different routes but I find that unless you unintentionally get caught in the middle of a crossfire it's best to sit back and watch rather than become involved.  Much like kids throwing temper tantrums, Internet-folk who get riled up will tire themselves out eventually.  Scenario C varies between two extremes - on the one hand you have people who are legitimately troubled and need professional help, but on the other hand you've got people who've subconsciously identified that they can get onlookers to fawn over them if they seem desperate enough.  I guess it's better than them cutting themselves with hunting knives.

My point with this entry has been to generally warn the masses of the implicit dangers of participating in online communities because having been around the web for as long as I have I feel like I know better than most what pitfalls exist (even though new ones are popping up all the time).  The Internet doesn't come with an instruction manual, and even if it did chances are it would be horribly inadequate at preparing you for what this beautifully nightmarish realm of existence actually is. (I could never properly describe what residual effects my experiences online have left me with except to say it's been like walking through a mine field with rabid wolves lurking around every corner yet somehow containing huge amounts of everything you've ever loved.) It's an inviting place but one that grinds on you and, through prolonged exposure, inadvertently changes your very being.  That said, you should probably take whatever device it is that you're reading this on, as well as any other comparable devices you may have in your possession, and destroy them with fire.  Encourage your friends and family members to do the same, they're better off never knowing what a blue waffle is or that you never want to get invited to a lemon party or that 2 girls with 1 cup is a situation you never want to encounter...Now if you'll excuse me I have to catch up on my YouTube subscriptions and see if I can find that new Mastodon album on Rapidshare.

Rise of the Planet of Silly Remakes

Science fiction is a favorite genre of mine.

I enjoy it because the vastness of its scope is nearly unlimited seeing as how science is a continually developing part of our culture, which means that the boundaries of the genre are as far flung as the reaches of our own universe.  The premise of science fiction is that the primary source of creativity lies in some piece of scientific fact that is then toyed with in order to assemble an alternate reality in which a particular set of possibilities seem to be likely.  Where problems arise is when creators take an idea that's based in reality with theories to support it then they manipulate it so that it suits the plot they're trying to construct - the notion of taking creative liberties, as it were, is what puts the fiction in science fiction. (The willingness of the audience to suspend their sense of disbelief is key to the success or failure of the effort to try and distort reality as we know it.) This is how we've gotten such amazing pieces of cinema as the 2010 Syfy Movies production Mega Piranha, starring Barry Williams (better known as Greg Brady from "The Brady Bunch") as Bob Grady (because having him play a character named Breg Grady would've been too much of a stretch).

In Mega Piranha, a school of altered piranha are created through genetics research.  Needless to say, the experiments don't go as planned and before long there's a group of gigantic, blood thirsty piranha headed towards Florida - and, of course, it's the height of tourist season.

Before I go any further, let me ask the obvious questions: Why?  What purpose could better piranha possibly serve mankind?  We're talking about fish that are basically swimming razor blades with insatiable appetites that will eat anything they encounter.  Are they going to be able to function as personal bodyguards or willingly dip themselves into cornmeal before flipping into a deep fryer?  Those are the only situations where I can see a reason to actually pursue this kind of work.  It's material like this that has put a black eye onto the sci-fi genre in terms of it being taken seriously, but at the same time modern audiences realize that it's meant to be taken with a grain of salt.  Besides, if a movie is labeled as being the "Syfy movie of the week" or is in any way associated with Roger Corman, you can bet dollars to doughnuts that it's going to be a steaming dump of a film.

There are, however, plenty of quality works of science fiction where the plausibility of the scenario being presented is somewhat high.  A perfect example of this is Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park (adapted from Michael Crichton's novel), which is an absolutely brilliant combination of film making and usage of science in developing an amazing yet still believable story.

 

On the opposite side of the spectrum is a movie that has drawn my ire for two reasons.  First and foremost, it is a remake, and we all know exactly how I feel about movie remakes. (Some media outlets are calling it a re-imagining instead of a remake as it isn't directly tied to the previous effort on which it's based.  Call it whatever you want - if it swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, and has feathers like a duck, it's probably a duck...) What's worse is that it's a remake of a movie that's already been remade once before (I guess Hollywood doesn't have a limitation on Mulligans). I'm talking about none other than Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Interestingly, there are two versions of the poster - one making Caesar
appear more sinister with the other posing him as a heroic figure

In the original Planet of the Apes film, a group of astronauts are set to go off in exploration of deep space.  After launch, the astronauts remain in a state of suspended animation for several thousand years until their craft crash lands in a body of water on what appears to be an unknown planet with soil that is found to be incapable of sustaining vegetation.  They soon discover that there are humans inhabiting the planet but that they exist in a beastly state with no sense of order or culture.  As it turns out, apes are the dominant species of the planet and these primates commonly hunt humans, either killing them or using them for slave labor and scientific experimentation.  By the end of the film a revelation is uncovered that this planet isn't some alien land but rather a version of Earth that exists in the distant future.  It's a classic piece of sci-fi that twisted the idea of man having evolved from apes as well as having taken advantage of growing fears of what could happen if full-scale nuclear war were ever to occur in order to create a desolate vision of the world to come.

The poster for Planet of the Apes (1968)
starring Charlton Heston

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (there should never be that many the's in a movie title) is more akin to Mega Piranha than its forebear in that the origin of the ape uprising it presents lies in scientific testing on primates, specifically that to try and reverse the effects of Alzheimer's disease in humans.  The study, performed on a chimpanzee named Caesar, inadvertently creates an ape that develops significantly advanced cognitive abilities.  Realizing that he and the rest of his lab-monkey brethren have been held captive and generally mistreated, Caesar leads a revolt against their captors as well as the rest of mankind.

Sounds like a fairly solid basis for a sci-fi Summer blockbuster, doesn't it?  I'll admit that in the grand scheme of things the idea of genetically modified chimps attacking the scientists performing tests on them seems more logical than a group of astronauts from the 1970s surviving a several thousand year trip into the future.  The point where my ability to suspend disbelief completely evaporates as it relates to Rise of the Planet of the Apes, aside from the idea that James Franco is a brilliant scientist, is the notion that what I assume to be a fairly small group of apes (I'd think it would have to be a relatively small group because: A) California is the setting of the film and last I checked there are no indigenous species of ape in that part of the world, and B) even if Caesar is super-intelligent the idea of him being able to replicate the serum that created him as well as develop the means to deploy it to a larger section of the ape population is ridiculous) is able to overthrow all the governments, all the police forces, and all the military outfits of the entire planet - not to mention all the hunters, gang bangers, and random gun owners out there who would love to stuff and mount the head of a silverback gorilla on the wall of their living room.

Caesar may be a smart monkey, but can he dodge a sniper's bullet?  Caesar may be able to do differential calculus, but can he survive sustained battery from artillery and carpet bombings?  The nail in Caesar's coffin comes in the form of four words: Navy Seal Team 6.

Keep in mind that I haven't seen the movie, nor do I plan to, and I've already put this many holes into the feasibility of its plot.  My reasoning for pointing these things out is that I am fed up with the lack of creativity that Hollywood has expressed over the past few years.  That along with the fact that the only films being remade are ones that really don't need to be remade. (There is one film that I do wish would be remade, but will not mention by name since I'm saving it for a future blog entry, because I feel like it could genuinely benefit from current special effects technology which was in its infancy when the film was made.) What was wrong with the original Planet of the Apes, I ask you, that remaking it a second time was a necessity?  You wouldn't eat a pizza that you'd already eaten (if you catch my drift) just because it tasted good the first time around, so why would you want to see a movie that's been done (and done well) before?

Studio executives want my money but in cases like this I refuse to give it to them - I cannot justify paying to watch a film that comes across as being this flawed.  Originality and ingenuity have taken a back seat to movies that are easily marketed and sold based on the public already being aware of a particular brand or franchise.  There are at least 4 more remakes being released this year - Conan the Barbarian, Fright Night, Footloose, and The Thing - with who knows how many more to be released in 2012.  Obviously just because something is novel in its approach doesn't automatically mean it's going to be good, but at least it's not a re-hashed product that's had a new coat of paint slapped on it in an effort to dupe audiences into thinking it's any different than what they've already experienced.

Remember me?

I'm fine, everything's perfectly all right now.  We're fine.  We're all fine here now, thank you.  How are you?

10 points to your house if you get the reference...

I feel the need to greet you formally as a means of kicking off this particular blog post seeing as how it's been more than a month since my prose graced your eyes, and quite frankly I'm a bit bummed out about that.  I felt like I was getting on something of a roll with my entries to this blog and I felt rather upset about not having had the free time to keep that momentum going. (At least I'm doing better than I was when I was attempting to run a full site of my own - I paid for hosting for almost a year and a half on a site that I didn't touch for lack of time to do anything with it.) This may seem like a trivial thing to certain people, putting your innermost thoughts out into the ether for God only knows who to read them, but I rather enjoy the experience as I've grown to be fairly fond of writing.  I don't need to be sitting on a psychiatrist's couch to vocalize my feelings, I just need an open network protocol with access to this here Internet thingie.

To say that the last few weeks have been tumultuous at times would be a vast understatement.  Some of it was the good kind of tumult, which is when you're busy and wrapped up in things that bring you joy or that you otherwise appreciate the opportunity to be involved with.  Of course in life we can't have the good without our fair share of the negative - there was plenty of sadness to be had in the time between now and when I last wrote as well.

Back in the middle of June, my wife (Jill/Wifey/J-Tru, if you don't know her - you should really read her blog, too, if you don't already) and I made our annual trip to Pirate Land Campground in Myrtle Beach, SC for a week-long vacation.  This is a tradition which we've picked up from her family as they make something of a yearly pilgrimage to this same campground and have done so for the better part of Jill's lifetime.  When I say "her family", it helps if I can give you a gauge of just how many people we're talking about because it's significantly more than what you're probably thinking.  The caravan of campers that migrates from Lugoff, SC to Myrtle Beach is between 7 and 10 units strong; I have to leave myself some leeway with the estimation by saying it's between X and Y because I know I'd be wrong if I tried to assign a specific value (yes, that's my way of admitting that I have no idea who some of her family members are - the extended ones, mostly - even though we've been together for almost three years now).  Figure in that there will be anywhere from 2 to 6 people staying in each of those campers and you start to get an idea of how many people are included in this trek.  It's an impressive assembly and it makes for a great event seeing as how it seems that so few people do something like this these days.

I'll never forget the first time I joined Jill's family on this trip because it was my first legitimate camping experience.  No, I've never slept in a tent and I never intend to do so.  Yes, this was a "camping experience" in that we stayed in Jill's parents camper.  While that might not count as roughing it for some people, I will counter your snide remarks contradicting my seasoned camper status by letting you know that I did sleep on the floor of the camper for the duration of that first trip.  I was on an air mattress with a pillow and positioned directly under an air conditioning vent, mind you, but still on the floor!

Since that trip, Jill and I have moved on from staying with her parents to renting a camper that's on one of the permanent sites within Pirate Land.  The campers on these sites have been modified so that they don't resemble campers in many cases.  They feature Florida rooms, improved bathroom facilities, custom kitchens, and a range of other amenities.

The camper we rent is in an absolutely picturesque area as it is nestled in between several trees and situated immediately beside an inlet.  Not surprisingly, the trees are home to quite a few squirrels and these squirrels have become a welcome, albeit noisy addition to memories of our beach vacations.  They will often drop their acorns onto the metal roof of the camper then drop down and trot across in an attempt to reclaim their lost vittles.  The first time we heard them do this we had literally no idea what was going on and it startled us (we lovingly refer to them as terrorists).  I would never claim to know much about fishing (seeing as how I do it so infrequently that I have to ask Jill to give me a refresher on the operation of the reel; she grew up with a master fisherman in the form of my father in-law, who is a talented angler and sportsman), although the inlet has allowed me to do something I hadn't done since I was a boy fishing on the banks of a pond back home with my Grandpa.  We have yet to catch a fish (we know they're there seeing as how they routinely jump out of the water as if to taunt us with their refusal to take the bait) but that doesn't make the experience any less enjoyable.

Jill's family has many traditions that they engage in while at the beach, my favorite of which involves everyone getting together for breakfast each morning (I know, it's shocking that I would enjoy an event centered around bacon above so many others).  The most prominent traditions that Wifey & I have developed on our own for our beach vacations are: 1) a trip to Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament and 2) the Annual Truesdale Myrtle Beach Putt-Putt Challenge Championship.

Jill and I are both fans of professional wrestling and Medieval Times isn't too far removed from wrestling, but at Medieval Times you get served a fantastic meal while the action is unfolding before you, making it instantly better than most wrestling cards.  Vegetable soup, garlic bread, an oven-roasted half chicken, ribs, baked potato, and desert - it's a meal fit for a king, which is appropriate seeing as how it's customary for everyone to wear paper crowns while you're there.  If you've never been to MT, I highly recommend it.  It's not exactly a cheap date, however it is a lot of fun and a unique experience.

Wifey & I at Medieval Times - BLUE KNIGHT, FTW!

The Annual Truesdale Myrtle Beach Putt-Putt Challenge Championship (or ATMBPPCC for short) is an event that evolved from Wifey and myself placing wagers on our putt-putt matches. (Not wagers in a monetary sense, rather things like doing the dishes for a week.) During our first vacation to Pirate Land, Jill may or may not have conned me into a  bet by having us play on the course located within the campground.  Keep in mind that Jill and her family have been coming to Pirate Land for upwards of 10 years - point being, she had an advantage over me in that she knew the course whereas I was flying blind.  She bested me that day, but rest assured I haven't forgotten her clever maneuver...

Since that first match we've taken to playing at random courses so as to even the playing field.  In addition, we've changed the format from a one match scenario to a best 2-out-of-3 contest.  For the 2010 edition of the ATMBPPCC, we played at Cancun Lagoon and Jurassic Golf with yours beardly pulling out a pair of close victories to take home the title.  This year, I decided it was time to build the legacy of the ATMBPPCC by making it more than just a made up championship with an absurdly long acronym by creating a trophy to represent it.

The ATMBPPCC trophy - Lord Stanley's cup is officially weaksauce!

The fine folks over at A-1 Custom Trophies assembled that beauty for us.  Their handy online utility for designing a trophy of your own is an excellent tool as you'll be able to see your trophy before it's constructed.

Round one of the 2011 ATMBPPCC was held at Jungle Safari Golf.  It was appropriate that we selected a course with an Amazonian-theme seeing as how the weather in Myrtle Beach was what you'd expect to encounter in the jungles of some far-off land, that being humid, hot, and generally unpleasant. (Adding to these environmental hazards was the fact that we were down-wind of smoke coming off of a large wildfire north of Myrtle Beach that was drifting south along the coast.) Indeed, the air was so thick with moisture and heat that I would describe the experience as walking around in a bucket of hot water. (To quote Matthew Broderick's character from the 1988 film Biloxi Blues, "Man it's hot. It's like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot.") Our matches always seem to be close and this one was no different.  I prevailed and by the narrowest of margins, a single stroke, despite being drenched with sweat and feeling like the inside of a used gym sock.

To her credit, I believe Wifey may have been a bit put off her game by the fact that about mid-way through the match a young lady driving by gave me a cat call - yes, a quite scandalous turn of events it was, but far be it from me to deny a strategic advantage of any sort.  Nevertheless, we moved on to round two which was played at Captain Hook's Adventure Golf.

Putt-putt is, as you would expect, a very popular past time around Myrtle Beach as it is an activity anyone, families on vacation in particular, can do and enjoy (this despite the expense involved - I'd like someone to explain to me why it costs $20 for 2 people to play one round of mini-golf; for that price I should get a commemorative mug or something equally useless that would at least let me feel like I received something of value for my money).  As it would turn out, the evening we played at Captain Hook's was a busy one as our match took more than 2 hours to complete.  Jill and I were both feeling the effects of the prolonged match as we were growing frustrated not only with those players ahead of us but with the course itself.  Captain Hook's is not a cakewalk by any means; I can appreciate a course with a decent amount of difficulty, but certain of the holes there seemed to have been designed to cause grief more than anything.

Yet again, our scores were close throughout most of the match.  The sixteenth hole would prove to be Wifey's ultimate undoing in this, the second round of the 2011 ATMBPPCC, as its cup was set upon a plateau that featured several treacherous contours. She was forced to take the maximum stroke count for the hole, giving me a clear advantage going into the final two stages.  I was able to hold off her attempt at a rally despite having not been able to finish the game as my ball went careening off the course during the eighteenth hole, nowhere to be found.  With that, I won my second straight ATMBPPCC title and I look forward to defending this prestigious championship again next year!

Yours Beardly with the ATMBPPCC trophy

Our beach trip was not without a bit of drama.  Jill's Grandmother became ill and was forced to spend a majority of the week in an area hospital.  She gave us all a scare and it was rough goings for a few days but the silver lining of the situation was that she had plenty of family around to assist her and stay with her.  She's since made a full recovery from those ailments and is back in the comfort of her home with her husband.

The weeks after our beach vacation were mostly normal.  Jill and I went back to work, returning to our everyday grind, wishing all the while we could be back on vacation.  Not long after getting back home I received a jury duty summons for municipal court.  Some people might cringe at an assignment like that but I was genuinely looking forward to it.  I'd served as a juror years ago and found the legal process fascinating with all its posturing and technicalities.  It appealed to my meticulous nature, I guess you could say.  This more recent experience would prove to be far less rewarding.

I reported for jury duty as instructed (Commanded?) and went through the usual attendance-taking procedure. (I was shocked at how many people didn't appear; there were probably 70 names called with barely over half being present.) When it came time to hear the first case it turned out that the prosecutor was forced to ask for a continuance because an officer who was to testify before the court didn't show up.  The defense rejected the offer for a continuance and the judge agreed that all parties had had plenty of advance knowledge of the trial to have made it to the proceedings on time.  With that the juror pool was dismissed until after lunch.  When we all returned, the second case of the day appeared to be lined up and ready for launch - or so it was until the defense attorney mentioned to the judge that he had "a matter" which he needed to address with him regarding the case, and he recommended that the jury pool be dismissed while they discussed the "matter".  The judge called both attorneys into his chambers where they would stay for nearly 90 minutes.  An hour and a half isn't a brief intermission when you're sitting in what amounts to a church pew with no padding on it whatsoever, which is why I got up and walked around for a while until the counselors and judge returned.  We (the jurors) were told that because of the "matter" the case would not be heard.  Myself and the rest of the juror pool were dismissed for the remainder of the week.  We never found out what the "matter" was, much to my chagrin (I would've liked to have found out if for no other reason than to satisfy my own curiosity).  Late last week I received my payment for having been a willing juror - a whole $6.  I haven't cashed the check yet, mainly because I don't quite feel like I did anything deserving of being paid, but I may do so sometime this week so I can go buy myself a Snickers and a Pepsi.

Two weeks after our vacation, Jill & I received word that my Grandmother had been taken to Springs Memorial Hospital in Lancaster, SC with elevated blood pressure and blood sugar levels.  She'd had episodes similar to this in the past and had been able to shake them off after a few days of treatment, so I didn't think it was much more than the same.  This was far worse, it would turn out.

My childhood was different than most in that my Mom (who had gotten a divorce from my "sperm donor" as I've grown to call him over the years) and I lived with my Grandparents.  My Grandfather passed away in 1993, and after that it was just the three of us.  Mom was an elementary school teacher (a damn good one, too) and for the bulk of my formative years I spent time at home with my Grandma while Mom was working.  We'd go shopping, out to eat, to the movies - I basically became her traveling buddy and I loved it. (My Grandma loved to travel, especially throughout the old West, as proven by the fact that she'd taken numerous bus tours across the United States.) That said, it's easy to see why I've felt as if I had two moms for my entire life.

My Grandma & I on vacation, somewhere near the mountains of North Carolina or Tennessee

My Grandma, myself, and my Mom on one of our many trips to Florida

My Grandma and I with George W. Bush before he was President

Jill and I drove to Lancaster the Sunday after Grandma was taken to the hospital.  We'd learned that she might have possibly had a stroke as she had stopped moving the left side of her body but the main concern was that she had developed a blood infection.  I can't describe how difficult it was seeing her when we arrived at the hospital.  I don't think any members of our family were prepared for her health to have taken such an immediate turn for the worse.  She seemed to have been fine in the days prior and yet here she was suddenly struggling to breathe, to live.

My Grandma passed away two days later, Tuesday, July 12.  She was such a vivacious, strong woman who lived her life to the fullest, and I miss her very much.

Grandma died exactly one month to the day after Sara Edwards, a dear friend of hers, had passed.  She missed her friend, and she missed her husband.  I hope they're all together again now in a much better place than here.

Jill and I have added a new member to our family, a furry, four-legged son as we've begun to refer to him.  Roddy "Hot Rod" Truesdale, a miniature dachshund who is of the black & tan variety but who also has a very unique set of dapple markings.  We adopted him from Johnnie & Allan Judy who operate Rosegarden Dachshunds out of Lugoff, SC.  He was born May 17, 2011 and as of this writing he's about 10 weeks old.  So far he's proving to be quite the smartie as he's already picked up on some basic lessons and is learning to play fetch with a set of mini-tennis balls.  Needless to say, we're looking forward to spoiling him and making him feel loved.

Jill & I on the day we picked up Roddy

If you've managed to read this entire blog entry I commend you because I'm not sure that even I would want to read something of this length unless I was coerced into doing so.  I feel like I should be posting a coupon for a free order of Crazy Bread from Little Caesar's or something similar as a reward. (Not that I have that kind of authority, just that it would seem appropriate.) This is what happens when I let too much material accumulate, I churn out a blog that's the length of Yao Ming's legs.  I'll try to do better with being more concise in the future.  Maybe.  If I feel like it, that is.  Which is doubtful, honestly.

WWE Tough Enough 2011 was rigged...

Possibly rigged - I forgot to put the "possibly" in that headline on purpose, see, because making a bold claim therein then retcon-ing the thing in the body of a blog post is allowable since this sort of journalism (Stop laughing, I mean it!) is all about grabbing people's attention...And making things up to suit your opinion on a given matter, obviously, although I think I've got a pretty good angle going here.

WWE's Tough Enough program - a reality show wherein contestants (some with prior professional wrestling training and others without) compete for a WWE talent contract, if you weren't aware - originally aired in 2001 and enjoyed success across four seasons and multiple networks before being put on hiatus.  The show was a launching pad for several well known WWE Superstars including such names as The Miz and John Morrison, and what's more it gave true hope to aspiring wrestlers who perform in slummy venues for crooked promoters that the day might come when they too would have a chance to show off their skills, perhaps to earn their way onto the WWE roster.  It was a great concept that came around at the right moment as reality programming was all the rage in the United States at the time.  So, naturally, when WWE announced earlier this year that they were bringing Tough Enough back, fans and wrestlers alike took notice with many sending in audition tapes praying that their submission might be enough to draw the interest of the biggest professional wrestling company on the planet.

The cast of the 2011 edition of WWE Tough Enough wound up consisting of 14 individuals with some interesting backgrounds as they relate to wrestling and television.  From the research I've conducted (i.e., I Google'd it), it appears as though only one member of the cast had no prior wrestling experience and had never been on a reality show previously (Ariane Andrew, who has been famously quoted as stating her favorite wrestling match of all time - yes, OF ALL TIME - is Alicia Fox vs. Melina).  Of the remaining 13 cast-mates, 7 had training and exposure to the independent professional wrestling scene, 3 had been on TV as part of other programs (Michelle Deighton, "America's Next Top Model"; Rima Fakih, Miss USA pageant; Jeremiah Riggs, "The Ultimate Fighter: Team Rampage vs. Team Forrest" ), and 3 had spent some length of time as members of the Florida Championship Wrestling roster.

This last grouping is the one that leads me to my original point of the show having been rigged all along.  FCW is the official developmental territory of WWE.  To put it in baseball terminology, FCW is the farm system of WWE.  It is where wrestlers with the potential for possibly being worthy of putting onto one of the company's weekly programs are brought for further training and evaluation. (Signing on with FCW does not guarantee a shot at the big-time as many talents have gotten developmental deals only to be let go later on.) They are signed to exclusive contracts (meaning they can't work for any other promotion) and are paid by WWE, just like their colleagues on WWE's main roster.

All this having been said, wouldn't you think it might be a little bit mischievous on the part of WWE to select someone who was technically already one of their employees as the winner of a contest like Tough Enough?  Because that's exactly what they did - meet Andrew Leavine, previously known as FCW talent Kevin Hackman.

He fell into a vat of baby oil the day the picture at left was taken, I'm guessing...

Leavine signed on with FCW around August of 2010 and spent several months with the promotion working under the Kevin Hackman gimmick (the image above is a screen capture of his wrestler profile on FCW's website which was removed after his termination but still visible thanks to how Google caches web pages).  He was involved with a handful of matches but from what I've been able to tell he was never the recipient of a significant push.  Then in February of this year he was released from his contract with FCW - filming for Tough Enough 2011 began that same month.

Andy, as he was known on Tough Enough, was your typical uninteresting, fly below the radar member of a reality show cast; never once did he raise a ruckus or do anything that would make the audience dislike him as he was billed as the family man who was taking this opportunity seriously (he went so far as to declare himself as being straight edge while on the show) in order to give his wife and kids a better life.  He came off as being somewhat bland even though he'd given himself the gimmick of "Silent Rage" and didn't appear to be all that comfortable when confronted with the chance to speak for himself before the show's judges (there were several other members of the cast who excelled in that particular area of performance).  What he may have lacked in terms of presence or charisma he made up for with his size and physical gifts as the 6'5" former collegiate offensive lineman is a true athlete.  Despite his flaws and having been put into the bottom-three ranking contestants the final two weeks of the show, Leavine would be declared the ultimate winner of Tough Enough 2011.

Noticeable during the final episode of the show was the fact that Andy appeared to have been living in a gym from the point in time that he and the other contestants left the training facility where the bulk of the program had been filmed.  By contrast, Luke Robinson - the eventual runner-up to Leavine - looked to have actually lost a fair amount of muscle tone and conditioning in the gap between principal photography and the finale.  Consider that Andy was already living in Florida when this series began.  He might not have had a developmental contract with WWE at that point, however I somehow doubt that he would've been denied access to FCW's facilities and staff.  Not to say that Luke couldn't have gone home to Maine and engorged himself on a diet of cheeseburgers and beer, but to say that the deck wasn't stacked against him would be misguided.

Injuries happen in wrestling, unfortunately, and several of the top contenders from this season of Tough Enough were taken out of action due to mishaps in the ring.  Had those injuries not happened, I sincerely believe the outcome of the show would've been different.  That said, the concept of a ringer or plant on a show like Tough Enough who could be something of a contingency plan shouldn't have shocked me the way it did when I found out that Andy was essentially already on his way to becoming a WWE Superstar.  This is the world of professional wrestling we're talking about, after all, meaning that if there was ever a scenario where a likely winner was chosen before the starting bell had even been rung it would be this one.  Which makes me wonder, should this actually bother me?  Should I care that something as trivial as a TV show turned out the way it did?

I've watched a great many young talents come through the Carolinas who are at least as talented as anyone who was on Tough Enough 2011, if not more so.  In my heart of hearts, I wanted this show to be an example of how dream fulfillment is still possible with hard work and a little luck on your side.  As it turns out, it was more of a slap in the face to every independent wrestler and a whole bunch of wishful thinkers who took the time to put together submission materials to get onto the show, daring to believe even for a moment that they might actually have a chance at participating, much less winning this contest.  With any luck this show will be cancelled, again, hopefully for good this time.

An Offer for Credit Card Companies

It's been said that "money is what makes the world go 'round".  In reality, what makes the world "go 'round" are the effects of gravity and inertia from the rotation of the sun which was applied to the planets of our solar system when they were created many, many eons ago.  Money, as it turns out, doesn't actually do much of anything seeing as how it's an inanimate object the value of which is a complete machination of mankind's foolishness.  There's two things that truly do go together, though - money and foolishness.

I have two credit cards, which I gather from watching television and reading various news reports is quite out of the ordinary when compared to the majority of the population.  If those sources are to be believed (and I trust them about as much as I'd trust a hungry lion to watch Rusty, my blind pet cow who also happens to have bad knees), it seems as if most folks in the good ol' U-S-of-A have anywhere from 4 to 7 of the things with an average total balance around $15,000.

And people wonder how the economy got to where it is right now...

Personally, I don't much believe in the concept of buying things you can't afford with money that isn't your own, hence my only having two credit cards.  One of my cards is an in-store account I used to purchase my beloved big screen television, which I paid off in less than a year and incurred no interest or finance charges as a result.  I haven't used that card since then and honestly don't plan on using it again any time soon.  The other card I applied for as a result of having to purchase a certain piece of jewelry in order to get a certain someone to agree to spend the rest of her life putting up with my shenanigans and roguishness (Hi, honey!).  I've used it for a few other emergency scenarios along the way, but even so my outstanding balance as of this writing is less than $2,000. (I also have no other debts to speak of - no car payment, no student loans, nothing.)

Why don't I buy more things with it?  Trust me, there's plenty I'd like to have, such as a Canon PowerShot SX20IS.  One of the many odd things about me is that I suffer from an ailment known as buyer's remorse, meaning that after I've purchased something (no matter how big or small) I have immediate regrets and can't help but think of what else that money might have been used to obtain.  Even if the item in question is something I genuinely want, such as a Canon PowerShot SX20IS, I'm still going to feel that same way.  As a result of this, I've gotten to a point where I can talk myself out of buying virtually anything, including a Canon PowerShot SX20IS.  I conduct an internal cost vs. reward scenario and better than 98% of the time I wind up walking out of a store empty handed because of it.

Case in point, I've been going back and forth for almost a month now about whether or not to buy a new iPod (instead of a Canon PowerShot SX20IS).  Another ailment I suffer through is techno-envy, and it's been bothering me pretty badly here recently as I've been noticing a whole bunch of my fellow gym-folk roaming about our local YMCA with some really neat devices.  Regardless of that, the result of this conflict has been me putting a whole bunch of effort into resurrecting an old iPod Nano I bought years ago and modifying a cheap carrying case I picked up at Wal-Mart so that it would fit around my arm (because these guns are too big to be holstered in your average case).  $200 for a new iPod or $10 for a case so I can carry around my old iPod - this is my plight.

Of all the psychological issues I could've developed, I don't think this one is so bad.  Sure, there's a touch of depression involved, but at least I don't have creditors breathing down my neck wanting to know why I haven't made my payment yet.  Ultimately, the combination of my being fairly conservative when it comes to financial matters in general and my buyer's remorse are what keeps my spending habits in check as it relates to credit.

I don't get any help from the credit card companies, though, seeing as how they persistently tempt me with offers for new cards.  They are so persistent, in fact, that a while back I began hanging onto every credit card offer I received in the mail.

Attempted product placement - Pepsi, I <3 YOU!!!

What you see there is roughly eight months worth of mailers.  If this was actual SPAM and not the metaphorical kind, I'd have enough canned meat to keep a family of four fed for at least a month (note that I said "fed" and not "well nourished" as I'm fairly certain your colon would fling itself out of your belly button if you put that much SPAM through it).  I would not be so vain as to assume that I'm alone in receiving this sort of volume of mail from these companies.  I think I'm safe to assume that anyone who's shown at least a willingness to accept one credit card has made themselves a target for their promotions.  Unfortunately, I have yet to be sent an opt out form.

Consider that stack of mail and all that was involved in generating it.  The combined costs of time and energy needed to produce them, the materials involved in their manufacture, and the postage needed to send them from point A (which I'm assuming is somewhere between Hell and Purgatory) to point B (my mailbox) - I'm sure the amount of money we're talking about is no small sum, yet these creditors have displayed a genuine zeal for distributing their propaganda without care for whether or not it is effective in gathering new victi...Er, customers.  For this reason, I'm extending an offer to these companies.

ATTENTION CREDIT CARD COMPANIES!  Seeing as how I have no intention of making unnecessary usage of your products beyond what I currently have incurred and given that I recognize the frivolous nature of your continued efforts to woo me into the cantankerous and pustule-covered void that is your poisoned bosom, I propose a compromise.  I will accept a one-time payment of the estimated, combined costs of what you would've otherwise spent on sending me credit card offers for the remainder of my life in exchange for you never sending me another piece of unwanted mail ever again.

Given that I am currently 30 years old and accepting that the average life span for a male living in South Carolina is 71.62 years, I have approximately 41 years of life remaining.  Taking into account the current postage rate and the fact that I have received exactly 60 mailed offers over an 8 month period, it is calculated that $26.40 has been spent on postage alone for an average of $3.30 per month.  41 years equates to 499.44 months, which when multiplied by the average per month postage expense equals $1,648.15.  I assume that your processes are largely automated, meaning that these mailers are more than likely never touched by a human hand until they are prepared for delivery.  This being the case, it is difficult to calculate the cost of production.  Be that as it may, I am willing to assume that the amount will be in the area of $8,351.85.  Totaling the expense of postage with the estimated maintenance costs, the amount of money I've determined to be a suitable reparation is $10,000.

Please transmit these funds at your nearest convenience - I eagerly await your compliance with this most agreeable compromise.