People of the Gym

My wife and I have been members at our local YMCA ever since the doors were opened.  The objective of that last sentence being to artificially inflate the reader's perception of our experience level with this particular institution, seeing as how the YMCA of Orangeburg County has only been in operation since May of 2010.  Nevertheless, we are most definitely regulars at the Y - on average we make use of the facility at least four times a week, but during the summer months that figure climbs because of the fact that we make frequent visits to the natatorium and aquatic park.  The popularity of the Y being what it is (Orangeburg doesn't have much in the way of health clubs, so it was a real Godsend for something of this nature to come along) combined with our attendance rating has allowed us to encounter more than our fair share of, how you say, interesting personalities along the way.  Generally speaking, I've found that gym-folk fall into one of several categories.

[SIDE NOTE: If you're familiar with my typical commentary style, with this particular topic you might be expecting me to make light of stereotypes or otherwise pigeon-hole people into personality categories which may not be entirely accurate for the sake of comedy.  Congratulations, you just pigeon-holed yours beardly - welcome to the club! (Sadly, there will be no punch nor pie...)

I realize that my doing so may offend some people who take their training regimen seriously, however these are my observances and while I haven't engaged in a Freudian-esque study of personalities I feel like I've spent enough time around this particular population to have formed an educated (albeit admittedly misguided) opinion.  Thus, if you should find yourself feeling unfairly categorized, I'm sorry that you can't take a joke.]

+ Athletes

This category doesn't require much in the way of exposition as they are exactly what you'd expect - men and women who either are or were at one point in their lives involved in competitive sports, and who are working in an effort to hone their abilities.  They spend untold hours in the gym lifting weights and improving their cardiovascular conditioning.  Their bodies are amazing examples of human achievement in the realm of physical fitness.

I have a significant respect for athletes as they've dedicated their very existence, in some cases, to a specific activity and are quite skilled in most cases.  I also happen to loathe them because of the fact that I am an envious, out-of-shape, armchair-everything with self-image issues who hasn't been involved in competitive sports since youth league basketball (which was during a period in time where young players like myself were made to wear white shorts that hung just above the middle of the thigh as part of our uniforms).  I was a monster back then, I tell you - a veritable Dwight Howard amongst 9 year-olds!  Proof of this is the fact that my most vivid memory from my playing days was when I got a rebound on defense then proceeded to score a bucket for our opponents by taking a shot while everyone else ran to the other side of the court.

Clearly, I missed my calling.

+ Gym Rats

Not far removed from the "Athletes" category is the "Gym Rats", the primary difference being essentially their attitudes, personality, or presentation.  They may or may not have, at some point in their lives, been an athlete or otherwise involved in some form of competitive play.  As such, they are admirably attempting to maintain their fitness level but not necessarily hoping to improve their abilities.  However, unlike athletes - who approach their workout with a sense of seriousness and near professionalism - these are people who come to the gym to work out and who want you to know that they are there to work out.

Their presence will be reasonably easy to spot.  Their workout attire will typically be of designer quality, often including labels of top brands like Nike and Under Armor (shirts with chest-thumping motivational slogans are popular amongst this classification).  They will be equipped with the latest and greatest of media playing devices, which will also be displayed prominently as components of their attire.  The fact that most exercise rooms are adorned with mirrors (why they are a mainstay in gyms is something I've never figured out) allows them a chance to preen and posture, not only for the sake of their own egos but also to assert themselves as being an alpha amongst deltas, for lack of a better phrase.

Spot me, bro - SPOT ME!

 
You will hear them talking above everyone else in the room, more than likely, and the context of their conversations (held with people whom they may or may not even be acquaintances of) will involve topics such as exercise techniques, rep counts, discussion on the use and effectiveness of various dietary supplements (sometimes including the use of steroids), and almost certainly talk of how well they're doing with it all (I guess you can't knock their positivity, arrogant though it may be).  Indeed, it is their gym - we just happen to be paying dues to use it.

+ The Health-Conscious

Undoubtedly the most population-dense category, the "Health-Conscious" are your average Joe's (and Jill's) who realize that they might be able to better themselves and their quality of life by engaging in a bit of regular calisthenics.  There's nothing flashy or distinguishable about them as they are your typical, everyday people trying to do the best they can with what they've got.  They may enlist the assistance of physical trainers in an effort to overcome their not having been involved in exercise programs previously, but they are also likely to have done their own independent research in attempting to develop an exercise routine that will benefit them.

My wife and I definitely fall into this particular group as we're both at a stage in life where we realize that we're not kids anymore and that we could enjoy what will hopefully be many years together if we make strides to improve our bodies through exercise and physical activity.  I have to say that my wife has done a phenomenal job in making strides at being a more healthy individual.  In addition to regularly working out, she also subscribes to Weight Watchers and their program has been an immense help to her in identifying healthy decisions as it relates to our diet.  I say "our" because of the fact that she prepares most of our meals, meaning I'm kind of involved by proxy.  She's been on the Weight Watchers program for around 6 months and has lost just shy of 50 pounds, which is a remarkable feat and a stellar example of willpower, needless to say.

Seeing her processes for choosing what to eat as well as what constitutes an adequate portion has made me more conscientious about the foods I eat but also how much I'm eating.  I'll willfully admit to never having been encouraged in this regard during my youth as my family isn't exactly made up of what you'd call "light eaters".  We're a husky bunch and while there's nothing necessarily wrong with that there are moments where I look at myself in the mirror and wish someone would've come along and slapped the bag of Doritos off my lap.  But, as the Green Goblin once said, "We are who we choose to be..." - I'm responsible for myself, ultimately, and while I can't change the past I can hopefully affect the future.

+ Socialites

I have a fair amount of friends (483, according to Facebook) and I'm sure you do, too.  Life would be very boring without these relationships, needless to say, and I would never encourage someone to be a social recluse (unless you're of the hermit/uni-bomber variety, then so be it) but there are occasions where people's attempts at connecting with one another can be an impediment to progress.  "Progress", in this case, being the fact that I can't use the arm curl machine because you're sitting on it while you and your buddy are busy chatting each other up instead of actually doing any work.  Hence the class of gym folk I've dubbed "Socialites".

"Socialites" have the potential to share characteristics with other groups.  Consistent exposure to their kind will allow you to identify the differences, perhaps the most noticeable of which is that their workouts don't consist of much actual work.  You may see them spend 5 minutes on an elliptical machine followed by 30 minutes yammering on to another of their ilk or some unfortunate soul who just so happened to have gotten snared in by their aura of friendliness and who doesn't have the capacity to shrug them out of their life.  Therein lies their trickery; they may come off as being an "Athlete" or "Health-Conscious" when in reality they're in the gym because it allows them to work the one well-defined muscle group they have, that being about the jaw and throat.

Arguably the most annoying aspect of the "Socialite" is that they are also prone to being the sort of person who has a stubborn growth coming out one or other of their ears which extends all the way down to the corresponding hand on that side of their body.  By that I mean they can't stop yakking on their precious cell phone to save their lives!  The more evolved among them may have adapted to wear a Bluetooth headset, which doesn't so much improve their standing among the rest of gym-folk culture as it does make them appear to be insane seeing as how they look as if they're talking aloud to themselves (or, more accurately, the voices in their heads) 9/10's of the time.

I haven't mentioned up until now that there are a set of posted rules of use in the exercise room at the YMCA, one of them being to respect the fact that other people may want to use a piece of equipment by not treating it like it's a bar stool at the pub. (There's also one against cell phone usage, ironically enough.) The difficulty with a rule like this is that very few people genuinely want to be perceived as a douche-bag, and an attempt at enforcing this one would more than likely land you in exactly that group (at least it would in the eyes of the guilty offender whereas they might be heralded as a national hero by the rest of us).  I'm assuming this is why I've never seen a member of the YMCA's staff be so forward as to encourage a patron to move along for the sake of someone else.  Be that as it may, a rule that doesn't get enforced isn't a "rule" (I would settle for a mild suggestion at this point) and you shouldn't take the job if you don't want to handle the duties.

+ Hangers-On

Closely associated to the "Socialite" is the classification known as the "Hangers-On".  You might say that the two have something of a symbiotic relationship as the "Hangers-On" often rely greatly upon their proximity to "Socialites" in order to gain access to the gym environment.  They are hardly ever paying members, rather they make use of freebies or cheap day-passes, thus displaying their generally non-committal state of mind.  For while a "Hanger-On" will exude a certain amount of dedication to their current "Socialite", they are prone to being fickle.  Should they identify a more agreeable "Socialite" to which they may attach themselves in order to improve their existence, they will not hesitate to do so.

Whether or not the colored wristbands the "Hangers-On" are issued by the YMCA are for the purpose of limiting their access to certain areas of the facility or for marking them as not yet being one of us (said with a droning monotone) remains to be seen.  The latter would seem to be the more likely as it would alert staff that this person is a potential client, meaning if they do their part to woo them accordingly it could wind up that this temporary visitor might decide to become a full member, thereby willingly parting with greater than $50 per month for the right to walk through the front door as they please.  Of course, the "Socialite" to which they are attached may have some bearing on this decision as well; in fact, I postulate that the level of inter-dependence between the "Socialite" and "Hanger-On" in question is the determining factor.  What are bros for, after all?

Our kitchen may be haunted...

I think everyone, from time to time, encounters some sort of event that is simply unexplainable.  Things that defy the old adage of "I'll believe it when I see it".  Things that happen but seem to have absolutely no discernible or logical reason for having taken place.  Like when Jerry O'Connell married Rebecca Romjin, for example.  How does the chubby kid from 'Stand By Me' wind up with her?  We live in a world where Mystique can hook up with a guy who's possibly best known for starring in a movie opposite a computer generated kangaroo, for crying out loud.  If that isn't proof that certain things in this world happen even though they make no sense whatsoever, I don't know what is.

Along this same line of thought is an event my wife and I experienced a little more than a week ago.  We were in the process of going through our morning routine - she'd just gotten out of the shower and I was about to shave (a practice I persist in doing because it is expected of me despite my generally loathing it; I am deeply bothered by the fact that people just can't seem to accept the awesomeness that is a beard in all its glory, but that's a blog topic for another time).  My wife left the bathroom in her robe & towel turban (a description of her post-bathing attire included for the sake of thoroughly capturing the occasion, naturally) and went to our kitchen, which is where our stack-able laundry unit is located.

Our laundry unit is your typical washer-on-bottom/dryer-on-top combination.  Like most people who live in homes where storage space is at a premium, we make use of the top of our dryer (Er, bottom?  I have the image in my head of it having been turned upside down in order to have been stacked even though I know that's probably not right.) as an area where we sit materials like detergent, dryer sheets, and what have you.  Being the thrifty shoppers we are, we tend to opt for 150 ounce containers of liquid laundry detergent as opposed to smaller containers that don't offer as much clothing cleansing for your money.  The jug-o-detergent, as it were, goes on top of the dryer as this surface presents a stable position from which we may easily access the container's spigot.  To save myself some keystrokes (and your eyes the strain of having to read the results of said keystrokes), instead of describing the rest of this region of the kitchen I've prepared a visual aide.

The Geometry Kitchen Collection from Ikea

The only other elements of our kitchen which bear pointing out in this context are our cereal dispensers.  They're positioned on top of a rolling kitchen cart, are each capable of holding just shy of an entire "family-sized" box of cereal (bought for the same reason as the laundry detergent; I'm not going to buy a 20 oz. box when I can by a 40 oz. box for less than the cost of two 20s), and dispense crunchy, sugary breakfast-time goodness by way of a rotating knob at their base.  Think of them as feed-pellet dispensers for humans, if you must.

It's about 7 AM on this particular morning and my wife has gone to the dryer to get a garment she'd left inside of it.  She opens the dryer, grasps the desired article of clothing, closes the dryer, and begins to walk out of the kitchen heading back towards our master bedroom.  At this point in time, I'm still lying in bed watching the morning NBC news broadcast when suddenly I hear a calamitous racket coming from the kitchen that sounds like every pot and pan in the joint was simultaneously thrown onto the floor.  Like I said, I'm still in bed - as such, my first reaction was to say to myself, "You're still asleep, just ignore it...It didn't actually happen if you don't acknowledge it."  Sadly, it did happen, which was confirmed when I heard my wife say, "Oh...My...God!", as I was on my way to the kitchen.

There are a few situations where, as a man, you want to hear your wife envoke the name of God, but this was not one of them.  I see my wife standing just outside of the kitchen and she has an expression on her face that could very well replace the definition of the word "shocked" in the dictionary.  There was no sense of terror in her face, rather she was startled on a level I'd honestly never seen her.  I found out why as I rounded the corner and entered the kitchen to find the floor nearly covered in blue, viscous laundry detergent, the contents of the cereal dispensers, and several pieces of the cereal dispensers themselves which had broken apart.

Confronted with the sight of the mess before me, I couldn't help but laugh.  This particular container of detergent was practically brand new (meaning it was better than 90% full) and I'd just recently refilled the cereal dispensers.  I guess if you're going to have a mess, then by God you might as well have a really big friggin' mess.

I wound up spending roughly the next 2 and a half hours cleaning up the kitchen. (I handled the task solo as my wife had to leave for work.) I began by picking up the pieces of the cereal dispensers, putting them into the sink for cleaning, hoping that I'd be able to re-assemble the things later on after they'd been washed. (Fortunately, they weren't as badly damaged as I thought they would be.) I very nearly dislocated my pelvis while trying to walk on the wet floor; my wife made a genius suggestion that I put on a pair of socks as they would soak up detergent with each step and provide more grip.

After putting on socks (I was still wearing my pajamas as I didn't see the point in changing into decent clothes for this operation), I swept up the detergent and cereal using a broom and dustpan. (Note to self: Invest in a wet/dry shop vacuum...) In order to get up all of the detergent I had to pull out the laundry unit and clean behind it.  If you've never looked behind your laundry equipment, I dare you to do so sometime - you'll either find a treasure trove of lost socks and loose change or a bunch of garbage and the carcasses of dead bugs.  In this case, what I found included a piece of an old broom, a metal rod (used for what, I have no idea), a broken pencil, 55 cents, a pair of socks I didn't recognize, and a whole bunch of dust bunnies.  I felt fortunate to have moved the thing and not been confronted with a spider the size of Shelob.

Have you looked behind your dryer lately?

The broom and dustpan routine got old quickly but it was mostly effective.  I'd swept up most of the detergent and cereal, however there was quite a bit of liquid still on the floor.  I grabbed some towels (the good ones we got as wedding gifts - yeah, those) and wiped up the remnants as I figured it couldn't do much damage to them.  I was cleaning up soap, after all, which in the grand scheme of fluids to have to clean up is fairly desirable.  As I mentioned to my wife, at least it wasn't raw sewage we were dealing with.  I think if a spill involving the contents of "poo creek" happens in your home, you should just go ahead and burn down the house because I don't see how one could recover from that, physically or emotionally.

After the towels were spent, I attempted to mop the floor with warm water.  This was possibly the most frustrating part of the whole process seeing as how I was making progress but at the same time I was creating a whole bunch of suds.  Not only that but the socks I was wearing were thoroughly saturated, having become caked up with detergent and bits of cereal. (Interestingly enough, I inadvertently discovered that laundry detergent, when mixed with pulverized Frosted Flakes and Apple Zings, will take on the consistency of partially dried Elmer's glue.) I persevered nevertheless as I finished mopping then went back over the floor with another set of towels to try and dry up the suds, and was finally able to push the laundry unit back into place.

To be perfectly clear, I do not hold my wife responsible for what happened.  I have lived in this house for more than 3 years and have kept detergent in the same exact spot that entire time.  I can say without a doubt that I have opened and closed the dryer door with more force than she did this particular occasion.  The laundry unit is level and it is quite stable.  All these factors considered, I have absolutely no idea how in the world the detergent container wound up where it did.  It's as if the thing was shoved or otherwise willed off of its perch, following roughly the flight plan seen below (we also inadvertently discovered that laundry detergent containers are incapable of unassisted sustained flight, oddly enough).

The thing basically did a swan-ton bomb off the top of the dryer onto the cereal dispensers, rolled out of it and then went for a BME from the lid of the washer to the floor.  It was an absolutely absurd scenario is what I'm getting at.  But how did it achieve such momentum?  As I mentioned earlier in this piece, the container was better than 90% full; it was heavy enough that a fair amount of effort would've been needed to move it.  Have you ever looked at this variety of jug?  They have wide bases, meaning they're made to be stable and difficult to tip over so as to prevent spillage.  All things considered, my leading explanations of what happened are:

1) We experienced a very localized earthquake - as in so localized that it affected 3 square feet of our kitchen and none of the surrounding areas

OR

2) Our kitchen is haunted

As ludicrous as it may sound, I'm somewhat leaning towards the latter.  Reason being that not long after I moved into this house I experienced a similar incident.  One night while I sat in the living room I heard a crash from the kitchen.  When I went in to investigate I discovered that a knife rack/cutting board combination that I had sitting on one of the counters had fallen to the floor.  Much like this laundry detergent container, the knife rack was not in a position whereby it would've just tipped over the edge - it was a good 6 to 8 inches back from the ledge of the counter, yet it was in the floor.  How?  I do not know, but I think I have cause for concern seeing as how we seem to be dealing with apparitions who like to throw things.

Zombie-proof house?

I've seen quite a few articles on the web in the past few weeks regarding a house that has been erected (tee-hee) on the outskirts of Warsaw, Poland.  The house was constructed by design firm KWK Promes with the intention of delivering a home for a client who was interested in maximum security.  "Maximum security" for most people would pertain to fending off potential home invasions or vandalism, however in this case "maximum security" would seem to involve surviving something just short of direct contact with a mid-to-high yield nuclear weapon judging by the look of the house.

In essence, they carved a house out of a block of concrete.  Here's a description of the so-called "Safe House" from its developers (additional text and pictures available at HomeDSGN).

The clients’ top priority was to gain the feeling of maximum security in their future house, which determined the building’s outlook and performance. The house took the form of a cuboid in which parts of the exterior walls are movable.

When the house opens up to the garden, eastern and western side walls move towards the exterior fence creating a courtyard.

After crossing the gate one has to wait in this safety zone before being let inside the house. In the same time, there is no risk of children escaping to the street area in an uncontrolled way while playing in the garden.

The innovation of this idea consists in the interference of the movable walls with the urban structure of the plot. Consequently, when the house is closed (at night for example) the safe zone is limited to the house’s outline. In the daytime, as a result of the walls opening, it extends to the garden surrounding the house.

The sliding walls are not dependent on the form of the building. That is why this patent can be applied to both modern and traditional, single – and multi – storeyed houses covered with roofs of different geometry.

This universal solution we came up with gives a new type of building where not the form but the way of functioning is the most important. The name: “safe house” gains a new meaning now.

Accomplishment of this idea required the use of technically complex solutions. The most significant are the sliding walls (both 2,2 m high, 22 and 15 m long), which allow to interfere with the urban structure and determine the safe zone of the plot.

They are not the only mobile elements of the building. Apart from these, there are large shutters (all 2,8 m high, with a width ranging up to 3,5 m, opening up to 180 degrees) and a drawbridge leading to the roof terrace above the swimming pool.

The southern elevation is closed by an enormous roll-down gate of 14 and 6 m manufactured by a company normally supplying shipyards and air companies. It is made with white anodized aluminum which makes it possible to  function as a movie projection screen.

All the movable elements are based on built-in electronic engines, that guarantee safe  operation.

Wide glazings behind the movable walls let the building acquire energy during the day (winter) or prevent the sun’s heat from going into the house (summer).  At night, when the house is closed, the thick outer layer helps the building to accumulate the gained energy.  Such a solution together with the hybrid heat system (most of the energy is gained from renewable sources – heat pump and solar systems supported with gas heating) and mechanical ventilation with heat recovery makes the house become an intelligent passive building.

Every day the house acts in a similar way – it wakes up every morning to close up after the dusk. This routine reminds of the processes occurring in nature – the house resembles a plant in its day and night cycle.

The house resembles a plant, eh?  I'd say it resembles a cinder block, actually, but who am I to judge?  I don't think a more fruity spin than that could've possibly been applied to such an industrial-looking structure.  I've seen prisons that come of as being more warm and cushy than this thing.

Be that as it may, when the minions of the Internet caught wind of the existence of this home they went into a tizzy over the idea of a house that could - in theory - assist you and your loved ones in overcoming the perils of the almost-certain-to-happen-within-our-lifetime zombie apocalypse while also maintaining a dwelling that is absolutely posh in the process.  Indeed, fanboys with massive nerd-love for everything George Romero's ever created were seemingly salivating over the idea of repelling legions of the undead from the assured safety of this house. (I have to admit the possibility of mowing down a throng of zombies with a machine gun turret sounds awesome.) However, much like the hundreds if not thousands of hapless victims of zombie lore who thought they were doing everything right only to have their entrails ripped out by a hungry ghoul, I don't think they've thought this house through quite well enough for it to be dubbed zombie proof.

At first glance, the house definitely appears to be a secure structure in terms of its construction.  Reinforced concrete, while not a typical construction material in the housing market, is a great choice when it comes to options for preventing penetration (tee-hee).  Short of an attack using military-grade weaponry, I would have to agree that this home could take just about anything when fully closed.  I question the choice of creating a perimeter wall that does not appear (judging by the available photos of the site) to completely surround the property; this does nothing but create a mild hindrance to potential adversaries.  Aside from this, the primary areas of concern I have when examining its design are the roll-up security door and exposed glass around the pool as well as that of the connecting pathway to the pool.

Why?  When the zombie apocalypse comes, it will be a virulent outbreak the likes of which has not been seen on this planet since the era of such diseases as the black plague where significant portions of the world's population were affected.  Invariably, the people (those who aren't infected) will look to their governments for aid, and invariably their governments will fail to be able to assist them all.  Knowing that they are on their own, otherwise law-abiding people will degenerate into a state of lawlessness.  Looting and violence will be rampant as people accept that they must do whatever is necessary to survive, up to and including murder for the sake of acquiring supplies.  This being the case, one would have to assume that said vandals might have the wherewithal to organize and have the capacity to execute a strategical assault upon a compound like this one.  Assuming these vandals had access to heavy equipment like bulldozers or, God forbid, armored vehicles such as a tank, the perimeter walls, the roll-up door, and the glass are going to be about as effective in deterring an attack as a saltine cracker will be against a sandblaster.

As an aside to this, I'd like to revisit a portion of the description of the house pertaining to the shutters and their functionality that stood out to me.

All the movable elements are based on built-in electronic engines, that guarantee safe  operation.

If this were a movie, the mention of "guaranteed safe operation" would be a moment of foreboding on an epic scale. (I'm talking foreboding on the level of an admittedly impossible scenario where the designer of the Titanic claims his creation is an unsinkable ship while having a conversation with the crew of the Apollo 13 space mission.) It would be the point in the film we're reminded of 30 minutes later in the picture when a wayward bumble bee flies into the apparatus and renders it completely inoperable, leaving us all standing around with dumbfounded expressions on our faces as we realize that our impenetrable fortress of "guaranteed" survival suddenly has a lot in common with a piece of Swiss cheese.  Is there a manual override to the system? (Even if there was, in the event of an attack I highly doubt it would be something that could be engaged quickly enough to head off the danger at hand as it would take a lot of effort to move all those pieces at once.) Likewise, what are we to do if we seal ourselves in then some time later go to disengage the mechanism only to find that none of the gears are turning?  Have we unwittingly entombed ourselves?  Will performing maintenance on the system require an engineering background or will knowledge of small engine repair suffice?

Following our example, we have now created a scenario where the home has been effectively breached - this without even directly involving our original intended opponents, the zombie horde.  As someone living inside the "safe house" at this point, we must shift our strategy accordingly and hope that our cinder block of a house can be salvaged.  Does the home have internal defensive structures?  Can an effective perimeter be established?  Are there safe areas within the home that can serve as a fallback point?  Do these safe areas provide us access to supplies that might be required for use in a prolonged assault or allow us to in some way communicate to the outside world in the unlikely event that military troops or police forces arrive?  These are all pertinent and relevant questions which will have hopefully been addressed in the design phase of the home because if we as survivors are trying to make rush decisions in the midst of combat we are almost certainly doomed.

Much like situations involving being stranded in a foreign landscape (such as a vehicular failure that leaves you in an isolated condition with limited supplies), enduring an assault by zombies boils down to two factors: Survivability and sustainability.  Survivability pertains such things as having shelter and tools that will aid you in navigating a harsh landscape, whereas sustainability is the process of maintaining those items which are crucial to life like food and water.  Lets examine both aspects as they relate to this home.

• Survivability

In planning a true zombie-proof dwelling, there are many factors to consider.  The potential end of mankind as we have known it will come with haste, so quickly that an attempt to develop a plan of survival after the fact will be extremely difficult if not altogether pointless.  The basics of a survival plan for successfully outlasting the zombie apocalypse would include stockpiling of necessary goods like food (preferably MREs - Meals Ready to Eat - but also taking into account the potential for growing your own food supply; I'll touch on this later in the Sustainability section), water, medicine, fuel, batteries, tools, building materials (lumber, concrete, and the like for the purpose of assembling barricades or performing structural repairs when needed), weapons, ammunition, etc.  This inventory would be large as we may be forced to exist cut off from the outside for years.  The question then becomes where to put it all?

In configuring a home like this, it would be wise to incorporate a sprawling subterranean element with separate compartments for each set of materials so that, for example, if a mishap occurs with our weapons cache we won't have inadvertently ruined our food supply.  This ultimate basement of sorts would need to be secure yet accessible, which is a challenging combination of characteristics to implement; arguably more challenging than the effort needed to assemble our stockpile of supplies.

Maintaining some sort of communication with the outside world will be vital, not only in terms of being aware of what's going on out there but also potentially keeping in contact with others who could provide critical information or assistance.  Radios capable of communicating on civilian and emergency frequencies, networking equipment for connecting to the Internet via a hardline or cellular transmission, and satellite phones make for an idealistic combination as there is an amount of redundancy in place.  We should never forget the simplest of options in this regard, though.  There's nothing elegant about signal flares and bonfires but it is difficult to discredit their effectiveness in alerting potential rescue operations of our whereabouts (a certain amount of restraint should be used in deploying these as there's a chance it could inadvertently alert looters or the undead to our whereabouts).

We're going to need energy in the form of fuel (gasoline, diesel, bio-diesel, etc.), electricity, natural gas, batteries, or what have you to keep crucial systems within the home functional.  Along the same lines, generators would be helpful although they aren't a permanent solution to our consumption needs as they, themselves, require fuel to function. (Renewable energy sources such as solar power and wind turbines would be ideal for use in this circumstance, and setting up a collection farm for these resources somewhere on our compound is a paramount concern.  This is one topic that stands to be worthy of discussion in terms of both Survivability and Sustainability.)

Pacifism will more than likely not be an option when the zombie outbreak occurs.  There will be acts of violence all around you and the time will inevitably come where you will be forced to defend yourself either from uninfected intruders or the living dead.  Since our adversaries present similar but different weaknesses, a combination of armaments - guns and blades - would be preferable.

In terms of firepower, your immediate desire might be to go for automatic weapons with laser siting and a compliment of attached accessories.  What you'd wind up with is a fancy rifle that you more than likely aren't going to be able to maintain or re-arm all that easily.  A better option would be to equip yourself with simplistic guns which make use of readily available ammunition.  A .38 caliber revolver, a semi-automatic .22 caliber rifle, and a pump-action shotgun make for a solid combination of weapons that don't require formal military training to maintain and for which ammunition will be much easier to locate.  These will be adequate for defensive purposes but also for hunting. (Crossbows or compound bows aren't necessarily bad choices as they have their uses; carrying enough arrows or bolts to be effective could become cumbersome, though, and I question the stopping power of a bow & arrow against more than one attacking zombie.)

When it comes to dispatching the undead, remember that removing the ghoul's head or otherwise destroying its brain are the only methods of guaranteed destruction.  Hits to the torso or extremities of a zombie may impede its mobility but will not eliminate the threat it poses. (A crawling zombie is just as deadly as a walking one.) It is recommended that head-shots be your primary objective as well as that you maintain as much distance as possible between yourself and your targets.  Close-quarters combat with the living dead should be avoided if at all possible, however should you find yourself in this situation (perhaps having been forced into it by way of a limited supply of ammunition) a bladed weapon may be your best option.  Machetes, hatchets, and axes are readily available, relatively light weight, easy to use, and stand the best chance of helping you keep yourself alive during an encounter.  More exotic weapons like swords should be avoided; unless you happen to be trained on how to properly use one, that is, and that the weapon in question was constructed with the intention of being used in combat (replica swords are typically made of low-grade materials that are not battle-ready and stand a good chance of failing catastrophically).

Dealing with an assault by human forces stands to be more challenging than dealing with the living dead for a number of reasons, primary among them being that zombies don't have the ability to develop a strategic plan of attack.  Their hunger is all that drives them and their only true methodology is to rely on overwhelming numbers rather than clever maneuvers to achieve their goal (if you can call eating a person's brain a goal, that is).  This being the case, the tried and true advantages typically sought in warfare will hold for our compound, those being to know our surroundings and to maintain the high ground.  It might not seem that these facets of combat offer much hope but they are our best options seeing as how we'll have limited, if any, reconnaissance information relating to the forces we'll be facing.  Being overly aggressive is to be overly risky, after all.

• Sustainability

It goes without saying that along with the end of humanity so too shall many of our modern creature comforts follow suit.  Sure, I'd like to think that once the zombies begin to overrun segments of our landscape that those areas which haven't yet been touched might still be able to function and provide us with access to things like Wendy's hamburgers but I have a feeling that people barely making minimum wage aren't going to be willing to risk being eaten alive for the sake of serving up greasy fast food.  This being the case, in order to prepare for the rise of the undead we're going to have to be able to maintain ourselves with adequate sustenance.

Gathering a stockpile of canned goods is an obvious strategy.  Earlier in this piece I mentioned MREs, which have been used for decades by soldiers fighting on the front lines.  They consist of foods that have been freeze-dried or are otherwise loaded with so many preservatives that they last virtually forever.  Unfortunately, while they are great for long-term storage they aren't necessarily all that palatable.  Nevertheless, if ever there was a situation where beggars can't be choosers, this is it.  MREs are readily available from any number of vendors including local military surplus stores, making them incredibly easy to obtain.

The potential for existing on nothing but MREs for years is a potentiality most folks would just as soon avoid.  That said, it is advisable to consider the possibility of living off the land surrounding our compound.  Hunting missions could be considered if game is prevalent, however hunting is generally inadvisable.  The chances of encountering a throng of living dead would be too great, and even if you were able to escape into a deer stand or some other contraption your adversaries could easily outlast you making the effort nearly pointless.  In contrast to this, the notion of growing crops is quite sound.  Establishing an area of the compound to serve as something of a farm or greenhouse should be explored as fresh vegetables will provide a wealth of nutrition.

Having access to fresh, clean drinking water is absolutely vital as the chances of dying from inadequate hydration are much greater than dying of starvation.  Our compound will need water collection and filtration systems so that rainwater could be gathered.  On the off chance that our home is located near a source of fresh water, and assuming it isn't affected by some sort of contamination, it would also stand as an opportunity for keeping ourselves from drying out.


A major consideration in developing the systems within our compound will be what sort of resources they'll require to function.  Electricity will more than likely be our primary source of power as fossil fuels are almost out of the question (unless our compound sits on an oil well and refinery, that is).  Solar panels and wind turbines are fantastic pieces of equipment in that they require very little in the way of maintenance and stand to yield sufficient energy to power our compound's necessary systems.


I realize that this is a lot of information to process and it's basically all for giggles seeing as how the notion of a genuine zombie outbreak is just plain fantastical.  Granted, when faced with an element of realistic calamity we more than likely aren't going to have access to a home resembling anything remotely similar to this supposed "zombie-proof" dwelling.  These are, however, useful (not to mention incredibly idealistic) recommendations that could be used in developing a survival strategy for dealing with natural disasters.  They are proof that with adequate planning we as human beings can use our skills of adaptability to survive just about anything.  Preparedness is an asset not to be dismissed so easily as the idea of the dead rising up out of the ground to walk again.


Now please excuse me while I attempt to adapt myself to the taste of MRE peanut butter...

The Gift of Getting Rick Roll'd

I won a Community of Character award at my office not quite a year ago.  If you're not from Orangeburg, South Carolina you probably have no idea what the Community of Character initiative is - actually, even if you are from Orangeburg you still probably don't have a clue about it.  That said, the Community of Character initiative is an effort geared towards promoting a specific character trait each month.  These traits include things like generosity, punctuality, patriotism, and a host of others.  The award I won comes into play by way of the fact that my employer promotes a monthly contest wherein employees may nominate one another for having exemplified a given character trait. (There's a committee whose members are responsible for declaring an ultimate winner out of the nominees.) My award was for cleanliness.  Yes, that's right - I'm not a patriot, courageous, or even all that timely, but I will not let dust and grime get the best of me!

If winning an award for cleanliness isn't proof of a related obsessive-compulsive disorder, I don't know what is.  Not that I've ever hidden that aspect of my personality, just that this sort of thing is confirmation of it being obvious and noticeable by others.

At any rate, earlier this week I received a gift from the Community of Character committee. (Keep in mind I won the award for which I received the gift a year ago...Did I mention punctuality is one of the character traits promoted by the Community of Character?) When I saw the gift, I noticed it was neatly wrapped using high quality wrapping paper - the sort of wrapping paper you can tell someone actually spent a decent amount of money on because it feels only slightly less thick than a sheet of Kevlar - and topped with a bow.  Suddenly I felt a real surge of appreciation.  Sure, some people have mocked me for having a consistently clean work area completely free of clutter, but that gift verified that deep down I was doing something right and doing it well!  I was appreciated, and by my peers no less.  What greater achievement could one hope for than the respect of those around you?

I felt a rush of confidence and my expression probably looked something like this...



I couldn't contain my excitement, so I went ahead and opened the gift, tearing into the wrapping paper with reckless abandon.  Upon removing the wrapper, I found this box.



A remote control caddy!  Yes - something that is useful (Admit it, who doesn't have 18 remotes lying around these days?) and also appeals to my obsessive need for hyper-organization!  This was proving to be an awesome gift as it, too, seemed to be showing an incredible level of respect for who I truly am at heart.  It served as validation of my way of life being worthwhile and that my co-workers recognized something admirable within me.  My expression began to change to reflect the emotions now welling up inside me.



I wanted to lay hands on my newest accessory, so I pulled open the box.  I expected to see protective cardboard, plastic, or some combination thereof.  Instead I saw colored tissue paper...

This caused my expression to change so as to reflect my state of mind at this unexpected turn of events.






"What's going on here?", I thought to myself.  I was immediately reminded of an occasion years prior where my Mother was given a ceramic duck as a Christmas gift of the Secret Santa variety - that being one wherein the gift-or didn't have to identify themselves to the gift-ee.  The duck - which became known within our family as Dolly Parton Duck because of the fact that the fowl had a rather pronounced bosom; I've not been around many ducks in my life but I highly doubt one exists in nature with the kind of lady lumps this one exhibited - had been cleverly camouflaged by way of it having been packaged in a box displaying a completely different product.  Surely this fantastic present, this useful item which I was now very much looking forward to implementing into my arsenal of accessories couldn't be a complete and utter ruse, my very own Dolly Parton Duck!

The suspense was killing me!  I removed the tissue paper...And found a portable coffee mug where my remote caddy should've been.



I drink coffee on very rare occasion as I more often than not don't much care for beverages typically served warm.  Case in point, instead of a cup of coffee in the morning I instead rely upon an icy cold Pepsi to give me my morning jolt of caffeine and sugary goodness.  In other words, this gift was about as useful to me as a bucket of kerosine is to someone whose leg is on fire.

My expression?

 

I know I should be appreciative of the fact that I received a gift at all, but dammit' I wanted the remote caddy...

The Royal Wedding (aka, Something I Don't Care About)

In case you've been living under a rock that isn't within range of a TV, cell phone, computer, iPad, or any other number of portable devices capable of receiving content related to the news of the world up to and including an overly loud car stereo that happened to be set to an appropriate station, you're undoubtedly aware that two people who, other than being born, have quite literally done nothing their entire lives to warrant the level of attention they're receiving will be getting married later this week.  Yes, you guessed it - I'm talking about the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

If there was ever a mark of successful diversion from anything resembling productivity, the complete and total shutdown of an entire nation so that its inhabitants can watch a wedding ceremony would be it.  I'm sure there will be a handful of folk in the United Kingdom who won't be watching but they more than likely won't own up to it, and I can't say as I blame them.  Being ostracized over there can't be all that pleasant of an experience.  This is the part of the world wherein such torture techniques as being hanged, drawn & quartered originated, after all - while I'm not sure of the modern equivalent, I'm sure it can't be any more pleasant an experience.

Sure, this is a ranking event in the annals of history (as it pertains to Britain's royal family, at least) but it's more significant in the realm of popular culture than anywhere else.  Will history books published 100 years from now (assuming the concept of a book is still in practice by then, of course) mention anything about who designed the bride's dress, who got snubbed on the guest list, or what hors d'oeuvres where served at the reception?  No, more than likely not, unless there's a significant change in what's considered worthy content for textbooks by then in which case I'm certain that I'll be happy to have been dead and buried long before. (The further deterioration of what is and is not actually relevant in our modern culture is a matter that concerns me greatly, which - I admit - in the grand scheme of things is largely irrelevant.) Nevertheless, those are what seem to be the poignant aspect of the story for most of the supposedly hard-hitting news agencies who are providing coverage of this event.

Have they figured out we serve no purpose yet? No? Cool...

Why?  Well, to put it quite bluntly, I feel like they've realized that what they're reporting on is essentially a grossly exaggerated celebrity wedding.  And not the wedding of important celebrities like George Lucas and William Shatner who have actually contributed something to the world at large, either! (If you re-read that sentence you might think I'm implying that George and Bill should get hitched...I'm pretty sure if that ever happened every sci-fi nerd on the planet would spontaneously detonate.) In the grand scheme of things, England's royal family holds very little control in terms of the day-to-day operations of the United Kingdom.  And by "very little" I mean next to none whatsoever.  Seriously, the role of the monarchy in the UK is to function as a literal figurehead of the empire, meaning that they show up to social engagements wearing goofy hats and incredibly fussy outfits, conducting themselves as snootily as possible while gallivanting amongst other similarly dressed dignitaries.  That's their entire purpose, and of course their lifestyle is financed mostly by the "contributions" of taxpayers.

All that having been said, I really hope little Billy and Katie have a great wedding and relationship.  My wife and I got married just shy of a year ago and married life has been nothing short of phenomenal.  I poke fun at the fact that they're a pair of irrelevant people, but theirs will be lives lived under the constant gaze of the media thanks to their (in my opinion) undeserved celebrity.  I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have that level of scrutiny applied to your every move, which is why I feel a significant amount of pity for them as a young couple who are bound to face their fair share of bumps in the road as their life together develops.  No one who was alive and aware of the goings on of the world at the time of Princess Diana's death will forget that scenario and how evil the persistence of the media can be.

Now somebody pass me the tea and crumpets...

Flying Telephone Pole

My wife and I live on a fairly busy street as it connects several areas of the city in which we live.  Our road acts as a cut-through between neighborhoods and is heavily traveled at almost all hours of the day.  The sounds of the road - loud car and motorcycle engines as well as stereos - are always there.  It can get a bit loud at times from sirens on emergency services vehicles seeing as how within less than a mile radius of where we are there also happens to be an Orangeburg Department of Public Safety substation (from which responses for police matters and fires are dispatched), Orangeburg County's EMS headquarters, and the Orangeburg County Sheriff's Office.  The noise does take a little getting used to but I lived between an interstate and a set of heavily used train tracks while I was in college - eventually you just learn to let it drone out into the background.

Apparently I've gotten so accustomed to our calamity corner, as it were, that I was completely oblivious to the act when a random motorist clipped a telephone pole across the way from our lot.

I woke up around 5 AM this past Saturday morning needing to take a leak (I realize I may not have necessarily needed to include that bit of information but chose to do so anyway in attempting to recreate the scenario) and when I opened my eyes much to my surprise I was greeted with the sight of flashing emergency lights of the red and white variety penetrating one of our bedroom windows.  This was in contrast to the occasion a few weeks back when I had been roused from my slumber (again, needing to relieve myself) and been treated to a light show thanks to the South Carolina state trooper who left his blue and white lights running whilst he was involved in administering a field sobriety test to some random drunkard stupid enough to think they'd be able to make it home from a night of revelry without repercussions. (Like I said, it's a busy area.) After having lightened the load, so to speak, I realized that the lights weren't coming through the windows at the rear of the house but rather those of the front and side.  Curious, I looked out our side-facing bedroom window and saw a Public Safety cruiser parked beside the house.  I then went to the front of the house to peer out the windows there and saw several more Public Safety cruisers.

They had us surrounded...

I was still bleary-eyed from being kind of awake but mostly asleep; add to this the fact that the sun wasn't yet over the horizon and you understand why I couldn't tell exactly what the situation was.  However, I did notice that there seemed to be a sagging power line across the street from our house.  We've had some fairly rough storms and significant winds here lately so I assumed that the officers were using their cruisers to form a perimeter around a downed line so as to protect any oncoming traffic or random passersby.  The hole in this theory was that we hadn't lost power in our house - not so much as a flutter in service.  Regardless, I went back to bed as I was content with the scenario as it appeared that the proper authorities were in control.

My wife and I were going to take part in the March of Dimes March for Babies event in Orangeburg Saturday morning.  We got up at 7 AM and my first inclination was to see if there was still any commotion outside our house.  I checked the side windows and all appeared to be well, but then I went to the front windows and saw this.

Flying telephone pole?  Flying telephone pole.

I spoke to the officer who was posted in the intersection by our home and he filled me in on the details.  According to him, the pole was struck during the night by a car driven by someone who felt the right thing to do would be to drive away from the scene.  The officer told me that they'd been able to track the vehicle for several blocks because of it having left a trail of fluids but that they couldn't actually find the vehicle as the driver had been able to drive it, disabled as it were, to an unknown location.  How a car that had inflicted - and taken - that much damage could still be running is beyond me.  Before I walked off, the officer concluded by saying that the vehicle would probably wind up being reported stolen (the implication being that the owner might try to put off the damage via a fraudulent claim or that the vehicle was actually stolen and taken for one final joyride).  I was just happy that the driver hadn't lost absolute control of their vehicle and wound up slamming it into one of our cars or, God forbid, our house.

I didn't have the slightest notion that something had happened during the night, which is somewhat disturbing since I'm sure it made quite the ruckus.  Then again, I slept through the entire event when hurricane Hugo came through my hometown of Lancaster, SC back in 1989, so I guess it's not surprising something as pedestrian as a telephone pole shattering less than 50 feet from where I'd been laying didn't give me cause to wake up.  I didn't hear a crash, screeching tires, shouts of obscenities or other random vulgarities, nothing.  My wife, on the other hand, told me the morning after that she felt the house move at some point (she didn't pay any mind to it initially as she thought the sensation might have been from me moving or plopping down into bed forcefully enough to make her bounce).  I doubt the house moved, or at least I hope it didn't.  She probably did sense the impact, though, as I wish I had.  Then if I'd looked outside after the fact I might have had the opportunity to catch a glimpse of the car as it fled.

The pole itself snapped at two points; once at the base buried in the ground and again near the top where the wires are connected.  This leads me to believe it was an older, possibly rotting pole - else it wouldn't have splintered so easily - which probably was in need of replacement anyway.  Regardless, the notion of the wires being strong enough to support the weight of the pole's remnant without popping loose blew my mind.  It's a wonder that they all didn't just snap under the tension and take out power to Lord only knows how many locations.  We never lost power until just before 8 AM when a maintenance crew from the Department of Public Utilities showed up to replace the pole and disabled the line feeding our home.  Fortunately we were leaving not long thereafter to take part in the March of Dimes event, and power had been restored by the time we got back.

Maybe I'm weird (I know I am but I'm giving myself the benefit of a doubt here), but I've grown to appreciate odd little occurrences like this.  Things you don't see every day, or ever again as is the case a lot of the time.  Life is a series of events strung together by our emotional connections to them, after all.  The truly unique events are the ones we remember most vividly, and sometimes most fondly.  Indeed, things would be mighty boring without the occasional flying telephone pole.

Stephen Garcia and his Idiot Switch

The big news to come out of the University of South Carolina's football program this week is the indefinite suspension (his fifth suspension overall) of senior quarterback Stephen Garcia from team activities for allegedly having shown up to an event organized by the South Eastern Conference smelling of alcohol and acting boisterously. ("Boisterously", in this context, has not been defined - for the punishment he's facing, I'm hoping he at least had the decency to strip down to his skivvies in front of a group of dignitaries and do his best Ric Flair impression.) This was after Garcia had been suspended just weeks earlier for having engaged in what we'll call "extracurricular activities" with a number of young ladies and a significant amount of liquid courage in his hotel room while the team was in Atlanta, GA last year for the SEC championship game. ("Pffft - amateur...", Charlie Sheen was heard to have commented.) After having served that suspension, Garcia spoke to the media and assured us all that it was the end of his wild ways - he even went so far as to guarantee that "nothing bad" would happen again.

To say that Garcia has a reputation of questionable judgement and behavior at Carolina would be an understatement - in fact, I'd go so far as to say that it may be his legacy at the school even with his statistics as a quarterback being what they are.  It seems almost as if Stephen (who was a sought after prospect coming out of high school) has been at USC for a decade, seeing as how he started school early in hopes of getting a leg-up on competing at a collegiate level.  He was arrested twice in 2007; first for public intoxication and failure to stop for a police officer, then again less than a month later for malicious damage to property after he keyed a professor's car.  He was suspended again in 2008 for an alcohol-related charge and hadn't been in hot water with the authorities or school officials since that time - up until earlier this week, that is.

Spurrier facepalm - we feel your pain, Steve...

I'm a believer in second chances.  I've screwed up plenty of times and fortunately there are no police records to account for any of those instances.  But Stephen is beyond a second chance.  For that matter, he's beyond a third and fourth chance as well.  He's a 23 year old man with a child and yet he still conducts himself as if he doesn't have any legitimate responsibilities, either to his family, school, or teammates.  You'd think he'd have learned to act like he had a touch of common sense by now but I'm guessing that would be asking too much of him.

If this entry comes off as sounding like it was written by a scorned fan, then you're very astute in your observation.  I feel particularly disappointed by Garcia because he has so much potential yet he's let us as members of the Gamecock faithful down on a multitude of occasions, not only off the field but on.  His tendencies of throwing passes directly into coverage, attempting to run his way out of pass rushes only to wind up with negative yardage plays, and being something of a butter-fingers when it comes to holding onto the ball while rushing are all well documented.  I mentioned his stats earlier in this post; Garcia is 17-13 all time as a starting quarterback at Carolina and this past year he threw 20 touchdowns and 14 interceptions.  His passer rating is respectable, but I would contend that it is what it is more so because of the receivers he's had to work with than his aptitude as a quarterback.  Take away Alshon Jeffrey and his passer rating drops by at least 50 points.

All these things have lead me to believe that Stephen has what I call an idiot switch buried somewhere within his brain.  Truth be told, we may all have an idiot switch as I think most people are capable of doing imperceptibly stupid things from time to time.  Like when Kyle Parker decided to give up close to $1,000,000 from the Colorado Rockies in order to play one more season of football for Clemson University. (Oh, please - like I'm going to write an entire blog post about something relating to Gamecock football without taking a shot at Clemson...) His idiot switch got flipped but he's since come to his senses, and most people who do get their idiot switch flipped find their way out of the predicament.  Unlike most of us, however, Garcia's behavior has lead me to believe that his idiot switch is permanently stuck in the "ON" position.

Durrrrr, it don't turn off...

Garcia's prospects of playing in the NFL weren't that great but his character issues will more than likely take him out of any serious consideration for anything other than a back-up position.  He'll probably be OK in life ultimately, though.  He's a sociology major, so with that, his criminal record, and his proclivity for drunkenness he could be a congressman or senator, no sweat.

Random Observations - Part 1

There are occasions where I feel like writing a blog but don't necessarily have enough content to warrant bothering with a post.  It's like when you have leftover spaghetti and egg salad - it doesn't necessarily make sense to eat them together as a meal but when you're hungry enough you'll eat just about anything.  As such, I'll assemble those meandering thoughts into a single entity, heretofore to be known as the "Random Observations".

- My WrestleMania XXVII predictions...

Were almost all wrong.  I went 2-8 (technically, I was 2-8-1 seeing as how WWE wound up bumping the advertised Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan US Championship match off the card due to time constraints), which is pathetic.  I can't even claim a moral victory here because the matches I predicted correctly - Trish Stratus, John Morrison & Snooki over LayCool & Dolph Ziggler, and Undertaker over Triple H - weren't exactly long shots seeing as how Undertaker and celebrities are pretty much guaranteed winners at WrestleMania.  I thought I was taking a fairly logical approach to my arguments in attempting to postulate who would win each match, which just goes to show that those of us who feel like we've followed the WWE product (and wrestling in general in most cases) long enough to have an idea of what's coming next still have no clue what's actually going on better than 90% of the time.

- Defensive driving classes...

Can be fairly taxing on the mind, body, and spirit.  I was required to attend a course organized by my employer earlier this week.  The room in which the class was held was very warm and the seating uncomfortable, and these sensations were compounded by the fact that the course lasted just shy of 4 hours.  Be that as it may, the content of the session was sound and I'm looking forward to receiving my attendance certificate in the hope that it will knock a few bucks off my car insurance.

Most of the videos included in the presentation were from the United Kingdom and consisted of kids either getting thrashed around inside a vehicle because they'd not bothered to wear seat belts or being run over by oncoming tractor-trailers due to their not having been cognizant enough to look both ways before crossing a street.  The psychology behind videos like those has always been a mystery to me, much like the psychology behind my old Sunday school teacher who used to incessantly tell us how bad Hell was going to be in an effort to get us to accept Jesus Christ as our eternal lord & savior. ("You will go to Hell and you will burn...", she would say to us while pointing her old, wrinkly, nicotine scented index finger at us.  That's a bit like sandblasting a soup cracker in attempting to deliver perspective to a group of 8 year old kids.) My point being, showing me a child getting her skull bounced off a windshield isn't going to make me any better of a driver.  It does, however, prove that we'd all be better off if we wore helmets constantly - cool and functional helmets, mind you.

- I make really good jambalaya...

Really, I do - or at least I think I do.  If someone from New Orleans tasted it they might think I'd just served them a steaming bowl of shame soup that was being rather rudely put off as one of their most sacred of regional dishes.  Even so, I think it's good and it's my own recipe that I've perfected over time.  I'm very happy with the recipe as is, however I'm a tinkerer when it comes to things of a culinary nature which is why I'm interested in trying a few alternative ingredients in the future just to see how they turn out.  For example, I typically include smoked sausage in my jambalaya but I'd like to try Andouille sausage because it's a more traditional ingredient found in jambalaya. (I've tried making my jambalaya with turkey sausage for a healthier twist but something isn't quite the same about the end result.) Likewise, I've often seen bay leaves involved in jambalaya recipes but I've never cooked with them.  I'm hesitant to include them as I'd hate to have a flavor I'm not too keen on winding up ruining supper.

- Some people can work out by osmosis...

At least that's what I assume they're doing.  My wife and I go to the local YMCA sometimes as many as 5 days a week depending on our schedules and desires.  Seeing as how there aren't many gyms in the town we live it's usually pretty crowded in there.  Most members at this particular YMCA seem to be fairly agreeable when it comes to understanding that everyone's there for the same goal and that you shouldn't hog one piece of equipment since there are other people who want to use it.  Even so, there have been several instances where I've become quite annoyed with patrons who basically sit on a piece of equipment without doing any actual exercise (or at least enough to amount to anything).

Case in point, I begin my exercise routine with about 35 minutes of cardiovascular training; usually a "rolling hills" program on a stationary bicycle.  Earlier this week when I got on the bike there was a woman sitting across the room from me on a butterfly curl machine.  She sat there literally the entire time I was on the bike and did all of 3 repetitions.  I know I'm not an Adonis by any means, but that doesn't matter seeing as how in this context what we're ultimately talking about is etiquette and tact when it comes to being in a communal space like a gym.  If you want to send text messages and browse Facebook for half an hour - great, but go do it on a bench somewhere!  Don't keep people from being able to use equipment that they're paying money to have access to by being a rude douche, for crying out loud.

WrestleMania XXVII Predictions

WrestleMania XXVII (or 27 for those of you who weren't born in the era before Christ) is coming up this weekend from inside the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, GA.  My wife and I gave consideration to the possibility of attending the show seeing as how Atlanta isn't much more than a few hours drive from our base of operations.  We looked over WWE's offered travel packages and the price of tickets in general, then we realized we could take a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean for around the same amount of money.  7 days in the Caribbean on a luxury cruise ship filled with all manner of drinks, food, and entertainment or a couple nights in suburban Atlanta watching grown men in spandex play-fighting with each other?  Tough call, for sure, but we opted for the cruise.

Maybe next year, Vince...Maybe next year.

As it stands, we're planning on watching the show with some friends from the comfort of a couch or recliner with easy access to a plethora of snacks, frosty beverages, and clean restrooms.  This is the preferred method of sports viewing for yours beardly as I find the experience of attending events in modern coliseums akin to being a lone agent of justice dealing with an invading unwashed horde, and the seating equivalent to being made into a human Vienna Sausage and packaged as such.  This communal viewing methodology also affords the opportunity to take the frugal way out when it comes to paying for the purchase of the pay-per-view rights, meaning a $65 access fee gets split into several pieces and we get to see the annual "Showcase of the Immortals" for $20 - possibly less.

$60 (or more) for a seat in an arena gets you this level of comfort.

The concept of betting on professional wrestling might seem absurd since match outcomes are (MASSIVE-HUGE-GARGANTUAN SPOILER ALERT) typically predetermined.  Be that as it may, the general public isn't privy to the results prior to the event, which makes it prime fodder for odds-makers nowadays who will commonly post lines online for everything from which team will win the Super Bowl to who's going to win the current season of American Idol.  In that still developing tradition, I've decided this year to post my predictions for WrestleMania XXVII.

1) Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Corre (Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel & Ezekiel Jackson)

PREDICTION: The Corre

This is the first year since 2004 that WrestleMania hasn't included a Money In The Bank ladder match (a match wherein the competitors are all trying to capture a briefcase suspended above the ring which contains a contract good for a match against a champion of their choosing, with the added drama of a time constraint in  that the contract can only be used once during the year that follows), and quite frankly I'm disappointed that there isn't one this year.  MITB had become one of the sure-fire, big moments of the show that included a large collection of talent.  Apparently this match is taking the place of MITB this year.  I have scant interest in it because it's a feud that's been cobbled together over the past few weeks.  The Corre have more to gain from winning here as they're an established stable, plus their members currently hold the WWE Tag Team and Intercontinental titles.  Their losing would not only weaken the group but also the luster of those championships.

2) United States Championship - Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan

PREDICTION: Sheamus

Sheamus is Irish, so it makes complete sense that he's the United States Champion.  WWE had a European championship years ago and it would be amusing to see them dust it off just to hand it to Sheamus as a short-term replacement of the US strap.  That won't happen, though, nor will Bryan win the title back.  Regardless, I'm hoping that this leads to something for Bryan because he's a very talented worker - not really showing much in terms of his charisma, but then again that never has been his forte.

3) John Morrison, Trish Stratus & Snooki vs. LayCool (Michelle McCool & Layla El) & Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero)

PREDICTION: Morrison, Stratus & Snooki

I think I'm one of few people who doesn't give a crap about "Jersey Shore".  I don't hate the show or the people on it, I just don't get it or programs like it because they turn people with no discernible talents into the idols of young, impressionable idiots everywhere who don't know better than to want to be like them because they think it'll make them popular.  Enter Snooki - a "celebrity" entrant into this particular match.  Celebrities who get brought into 'Mania matches rarely wind up losing (the exception being Pete Rose who seems to show up at random just to take a piledriver from Kane every so often), and I see no reason why the trend would change.

4) Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes

PREDICTION: Rey Mysterio

I think Mysterio wins this match but not via pin fall, rather I think Rhodes will do something to wind up costing himself the match but that will further establish him as a superior heel.  It's no secret that Mysterio is getting older and isn't in the physical condition he once was (he's been wrestling for almost 20 years), and I'm sure he recognizes the opportunity for him to use his star power to help establish a younger talent like Rhodes.

5) CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

PREDICTION: CM Punk

A few months back, CM Punk became the leader of a group known as the Nexus - a collective of relatively green wrestlers who'd been part of WWE's NXT reality show.  Randy Orton has been systematically eliminating the Nexus members and now Punk stands alone in his quest for revenge against Orton for not only having taken out his flunkies but also having injured him several years prior when Punk was in the middle of the World title picture.

This is definitely one of the more interesting matches on the card for me, mainly because I've been a fan of Punk's ever since his days with Ring of Honor.  I've been tossing around this odd idea that when (OK, if) Punk wins, Orton winds up seeing the error of his ways and becomes something of a disciple to Punk (who subscribes to the straight edge lifestyle - no alcohol, drugs, or tobacco).  I don't know how likely that turn of events is, but it would definitely give new legs to a feud that has had some strong moments along the way.

6) Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole (with Jack Swagger) (special referee "Stone Cold" Steve Austin)

PREDICTION: Jerry Lawler

I have never particularly cared for Michael Cole, from the time that he was a lowly interviewer all the way to now that he's considered by some to be "the voice of WWE".  It hasn't mattered to me that it's only been in the past year or so that they've attempted to develop a heel announcer gimmick around him; I've always had an image of him in my head as some sniveling little piss-ant and the character he's portraying hasn't done anything to improve that perception.

That being the case, I would like nothing more than to see Cole with Jerry Lawler's fist in his mouth.  If he winds up taking a few stiff stunners from Stone Cold along the way, that won't bother me any either.  Point is, the more roughed up this little jerk gets the happier I'll be with the outcome.  And if he ends up having to take time off to recover from a dislocated jaw or reconstructive dental surgery, that's fine by me too - so long as Jim Ross gets to come back in his stead.

7) No Holds Barred - Undertaker vs. Triple H

PREDICTION: Undertaker

The Undertaker is a rare individual in that he has developed such a mythology behind his gimmick that it is highly likely there will never be another like him, ever.  It's the type of gimmick that only comes around once, and in the same vein is his undefeated streak at WrestleMania.  The Dead Man stands presently with an unblemished 18-0 record at 'Mania, having defeated everyone from Ric Flair to Shawn Michaels along the way.

All that having been said, if there was someone who would be seen as most likely to end Taker's streak it would have to be Triple H.  HHH, if you didn't know, has a long history of having been able to influence creative direction within WWE thanks to his relationship to other well-known stars with similar pull, namely Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Shawn Michaels.  He's also married to Stephanie McMahon and has recently been named as a senor adviser to Vince McMahon - which, when you boil it down to brass tacks, basically means that when Vince eventually decides to step away from the business it is almost certain that it will be him who takes the reigns of the wrestling end of their operation.  It's fitting that his Hunter Hearst Helmsley character originated back in the mid 90's as the "Connecticut Blue-blood", a man of privilege and luxury.

I don't think the streak ends this year, though, as I feel like it is realistically all Undertaker has left in his illustrious career.  Next year may be a different story, however; retiring with a perfect 20-0 record at WrestleMania would be a fitting send-off for him.

8) World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio

PREDICTION: Alberto Del Rio

I'm not giving Edge much of an edge (sometimes the puns write themselves) here because Alberto Del Rio has had nothing short of a meteoric rise upon being brought into WWE's main roster as part of the SmackDOWN brand.  Edge has had multiple runs with the world title in recent years, so a bit of new blood in the picture would be very welcome at this point.  The Latino market is one that WWE has had good success with thanks primarily to Rey Mysterio's involvement, and I'm sure another Spanish-speaking world champion will do great things for business.  Del Rio is one of the best heels to come along in quite some time and I look forward to seeing what they have in store for him.

9) WWE Championship - The Miz (c) vs. John Cena

PREDICTION: John Cena

The Rock is "hosting" WrestleMania 27.  What exactly that's going to involve is anyone's guess at this point, but I'm fairly certain he's not going to be manning the fruit tray at Kraft services or going around to freshen up people's drinks.  He's been jawing a good bit with both The Miz and John Cena in recent weeks, and quite frankly he's the most interesting part of the dynamic of this match for me as I can't think of two wrestlers I like less in terms of their abilities or presentation than Miz and Cena.  Rock never had a true "send off" match before he left WWE to pursue his acting career - given that the location for WrestleMania XXVIII has been announced as his home town of Miami, FL it's made a lot of people wonder if there hasn't already been a plan hatched to have a program involving him start now that might end next year.  That is purely speculative at this point, but it is a rather curious thing to consider nonetheless.

I'm giving Cena the advantage here more or less because of the fact that he's somewhat due for another title run.  Kids and women love him, needless to say, and they buy merchandise with Cena's mug on it like it was required for functioning in daily life.  Miz, on the other hand, makes people want to throw their televisions into the Grand Canyon and forget they ever watched wrestling in the first place.  Advantage, Cena.