Letter to My 16 Year Old Self

I've seen numerous blog entries of this nature from other writers. I'm not one to normally jump on trends as it relates to blog topics but it feels right at this moment in time. Seeing as how I'm coming up on my thirty-fourth birthday (I chose to spell it out because it looks more regal that way, obviously) and considering how I'm never too bashful about reminiscing, I figured I would try my hand at talking to a version of myself who, as I remember it, could've used an ally to provide advice about life, school, and a lot of other things.

Dear Robert,

If my (Our?) memory serves me correctly, at this point in your (Our? I'm going to have to settle this before the end of the letter, I realize.) life you're preparing for our (That didn't take long...) junior year of high school. Right about now you're dreading the idea of having Mrs. Courtney's English class because, as you will soon find out, everything you've heard about her actually is true.

Forgive me for doing so, but I'm not going to tell you much of anything specific in terms of what happens to us in the future. I apologize for that since I know we've never been too fond of folks who talk in vague generalities. Like Doc Brown said, a man should never know too much about his own future, lest he do something to change it.

I (We? Here we go again...) am on the cusp of turning 34 years old as I write this. What I mean to say with that comment is that so long as you don't screw up we're guaranteed to make it at least this far in life. That's right, I'm putting this on you because it's your responsibility. Life's pretty darn awesome right now and I'd hate for you to miss out on the ride.

You've come a long way and you've been through a lot. I want to start this off by reminding you that you should feel fortunate and appreciative to be where you are. You may not realize it but there are a lot of kids out there who would do anything to have as privileged a life as what you've had. That doesn't mean you should be annoyingly snooty about who you are or what you have, it means you should thank the people who support you. You haven't done it yet but someday you're going to learn the value of having worked to earn something. Above all else, show respect to your family and give thanks for what they provide you with. As you already know, the people you love won't always be there - treasure them while they are.

The years you're experiencing right now will, at times, feel like they are dragging by because you have things to which you're looking forward. Try to enjoy yourself, whatever scenario you find yourself in. You've always been a worrier and that's not a good thing. (I wish I could tell you we move past that mentality, but I'm afraid I've got some bad news; stomach cramps are in your future.) Hear me when I tell you that stressing out over things you can't change is only going to make you miss out on that which you enjoy.  Those things will come - maybe not necessarily as soon as when you'd like or in the manner you expected, but you'll get there.

School is what you're focused on these days, high school specifically. As I mentioned earlier, Mrs. Courtney is everything she's billed as being. That's a good thing, though, because she and Mrs. Thompson are going to prepare you more so for college than any other educator you're going to encounter. Keep working hard, because it's nice to be in your thirties and not be living with a mountain of debt related to loans for college tuition. Buford High School will be with you, always.

Speaking of college, it's going to be a real treat and for a multitude of reasons. You're going to meet a lot of interesting people and do stuff that you can only get away with when you're in your late teens or early twenties, and that's exactly how life should be. Still, you've got a lot of work to get done - some of it's going to be important, some of it you'll look back on and see was a waste of time. I hate to say it but based on where we are now, more of it falls into the latter category. It is what it is, though, a necessary part of your evolution.

After college is where life gets a bit weird. Not that it hasn't been weird to that point, mind you, just more weird. Weirder? I guess that's the best way of putting it. Remember, I'm doing my best not to be too specific here. Weird isn't necessarily synonymous with bad although there is going to be a stretch where you question everything you've done up until then because it's going to feel like all the effort you put out hasn't been met with an equal result. (In that regard, I'll remind you that internships aren't a bad thing and when a friend offers you a paid gig you'd be well advised to call him back, at the very least.) That's why it's called paying your dues.

Eventually the mundane monotony gives way to an opportunity. Keep in mind that there are a lot of factors playing into the why's and the how's of your life. The world gets whacky in the future and a whole bunch of very talented, highly experience people will be going through the same thing as you young kids who are also talented but not that experienced. Your time to shine (and to prove yourself) will come, you just have to be willing to accept that your path is definitely on the scenic route of life, if you catch my drift. You could say that it meanders - on that note, do try to take good care of your knees while you're at it.

Relationships of the romantic variety will come and go, meaning you're no different than anyone else in that aspect. You're going to meet a couple real doozies that will make you wonder why you even bothered, but you're also going to meet a few that will turn into really cool friends. Despite your take on marriage being an archaic concept, there's one you'll meet that, when you get to know her, you'll know is the one. You'll make her life an adventure, and she yours.

As I write this, she and I are on another great adventure, one that we hope will lead to our family growing - potentially substantially, depending on how things shake out. It's a process that we have endured because our desire to share what we've been blessed with means a lot to us. I can't tell you how much it means for me to have the chance to be what we never truly had.

In closing, I will tell you that I don't have that many goals left in life, be they personal, professional, or whatever sits between. Take that for what you will - and no, I'm not trying to brag. I'm merely stating the truth. You've got a lot to look forward to just as I have a whole lot of fond memories that I can look back on. If this has started to come off as something of a pep talk instead of an informative letter, that's because my intention all along with this was to let you know that you're valued, you're appreciated, and you will experience greatness in your life.

Regards,

- You

Please Stop Enabling Your Children

This is the time of year where high school and college students are celebrating their victory over the confines of academia through various graduation ceremonies and what have you. Those are great moments in the life of a young person as they signify years of dedication finally paying off in obtaining a diploma or degree. Even though it's been better than a decade since I last walked that aisle as a graduate, I can still remember the feeling of excitement knowing that I had accomplished something awesome brought to me. I earned an honors diploma from Buford High School and I graduated cum laude from Francis Marion University. During commencement, I knew I'd worked hard and I'd earned what I was about to receive. I think that's an important sensation that people in their late teens and early twenties need to experience, especially in today's economy when finding a good job isn't exactly easy. It's proof that a reward comes from sacrifice and dedication, not from merely showing up or doing only what's required to get by.

I've said all that to say this. I'm a little sick of seeing so much hubbub about kids "graduating" from kindergarten, preschool, or even middle school for that matter. (Please, dear readers, enhance your calm and refrain from hurling flaming arrows at my house until the end of the blog. I'm not saying I'm going to back off of my opinion by then, I just want you to read the whole thing because it helps my site statistics.) Why do I feel this way? To be perfectly honest, it's because of the fact that I feel like parents are raising a generation of children who are going to feel entitled to everything and who exist under the notion that everything they do, no matter how insignificant, is a major achievement.

This isn't a new state of mind I've recently adopted, rather it's become exacerbated by recent events. I recall going to a tee-ball game several years ago where no one kept score, everyone got to run the bases, and everyone went home feeling like they were a winner. I thought I'd suffered some sort of psychotic episode and my mind had trapped me in whatever Godforsaken realm it is where Barney the Dinosaur and the Teletubbies exist.

While watching the game, I thought back to when I was a child playing tee-ball for P&M Trucking. I remember the team name well because our uniforms were a distinctive combination of green jerseys and yellow trucker hats - if you didn't know any better you'd have thought we were sponsored by John Deere. I didn't get to play that much, you see, because I was exceptionally good at hitting the tee but not so much the ball. Probably the highlight of my tee-ball career was an attempted base slide - notice I use the word "attempted". Lets just say it was a bad idea, well-intentioned as it were. For one I'd never so much as even practiced such a maneuver before not to mention the fact that we didn't wear full pants, rather these white short-shorts, meaning my posterior was more than a bit sore in the days following that game. We wore the same thing when I played recreational league basketball. Seeing as I was a husky lad they made me look like I was wearing hot pants instead of athletic gear, which I'm sure was quite the sight.

I know we kept score and I know we played as close to a legitimate game of baseball as we could without involving pitching, obviously. We felt good when we won and we felt bad when we lost - the same was true when I played basketball. (True story, I played for a rec league basketball team that lost every single game - our coach even quit on us during the season. What a role model that guy was!) We always got a cold drink and a Little Debbie cake afterwards regardless of how we performed but the point of these past two paragraphs is that we weren't coddled into thinking we had done something remarkable when we hadn't. Quite frankly, I know I'm better off for it.

Why? Having worked to earn something - whether it be a win in a tee-ball game, an honors diploma, a car, or a house - makes you appreciate its value that much more. It's fine to encourage people with gifts or an occasional freebie but the danger there is that after a while it becomes a part of their character to expect things to be given to them. They've so rarely had to exert any effort towards a goal (for that matter they may not even know what the concept of a goal is) that doing so feels unnatural, and then they complain about not getting their way instead of striving to overcome.

It's the same reason why there are signs at national parks stating "DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS"; behavioral science shows us that over time they'll become dependent on a handout and forget their natural capacity to forage for themselves. That's what's going to happen to our society if we keep letting kids think everyone is a winner when it comes to tee-ball, we'll wind up with a culture that doesn't know what to do when life requires them to take action. They'll all be standing around crying, wanting to know why the team mom isn't there to give them a soda and a treat.

I don't mean to say that you, as a parent, shouldn't cheer on your child in everything that they do. (I mention this because, in case you weren't aware, I'm not a parent. My wife & I are trying as we both would love to start a family but we haven't been blessed as of yet with our own little bundle of joy.) Very much the opposite, as a matter of fact. I think parents should do their best to encourage their children towards success. In my mind, that means showing them the value of hard work while giving them the tools to develop character traits like perseverance and determination. I don't think you can do that by instilling in them at a young age the perception that they'll be fine just by virtue of showing up.

I don't believe I've ever told anyone this but one of my biggest inspirations in life after graduating from college was something that Dr. Luther F. Carter, President of Francis Marion University, said to me as he handed me my degree, "You made it this far now lets see what you can do with it." If I had never been pushed to work hard by my parents, I would never have bothered to take honors or advanced placement classes in high school. If I had never taken those classes in high school, I wouldn't have gotten the scholarships that allowed me to go to college without paying a dime for tuition. If I hadn't done my best to get through college, I wouldn't have graduated with honors. If I didn't do any of that, I wouldn't be the director of information technology for an entire county in the state of South Carolina. Not too bad of a record for someone who isn't even 33 years old yet.

In wrapping up this rant, I hope none of this someday comes back to bite me in the rear. It's easy for me to say all these things but the truth of the matter is that parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. Be that as it may, all of us need to remember that kids deserve to be kids and that we, either as parents or potential parents, should keep in mind that just because we want our children to strive for success whatever that "success" is may be totally different in their eyes than it is ours. Don't push them towards being an accountant if they love working with animals, or try to convince them that engineering is the way to go when they'd sooner be painting. Teach them to be the best that they can be at whatever it is they are best at. That way they might grow to be not just content with their life but successful and happy.