Will It Fit? (A Blog About Packing for Vacation)

As I write this, my wife and I are but mere days away from setting sail on our second cruise - a seven day voyage to the Western Caribbean on the Carnival Dream (our first such adventure having been our honeymoon, a 4 day journey to the Bahamas by way of the Carnival Sensation), so it should come as no surprise that we're going through the process of packing our luggage.

BRING ONLY WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE!

It's never been a particularly tedious process for me as I've always been of the mindset that you bring what you feel like you need and if you forget something necessary, too bad - adaptability is one of the strongest qualities that the human race has ever exhibited, after all, but the trouble these days is a lot of folks mistake necessity for luxury.  This is why every truck stop between here and oblivion is now equipped with wi-fi, so that you can check Facebook status updates as you watch what is almost certainly a three-week-old hotdog tumble down the rollers of the grilling apparatus. (Do those things have a specific name other than just "gas station hot dog cooker"?) Don't get me wrong, I love to have my favorite gadgets nearby but I'm not so attached at the hip to these baubles that I can't let them well enough alone occasionally, especially over the course of a vacation.

The challenge when it comes to packing that has been presented by this particular voyage is the fact that it is what it is; that being a seven day adventure to the western Caribbean (not counting an extra day or two of travel to and from our port of embarkation).  Essentially, my concern isn't so much a matter of agonizing over what to bring but the fact that I'm having to bring a lot of stuff, namely clothing, and I only have so many pieces of luggage to work with.  This being the case, my packing strategy has been to establish levels of priority.

Not surprisingly, I packed every available (read, clean) pair of underwear I have first thing, which immediately presented a logistical challenge seeing as how I have just enough to account for every day of the cruise plus a few spares.  This is in defiance of a technique my Grandmother (who was something of a road warrior in her 60s as she would commonly take lengthy bus tours across the western United States) once told me about whereby you could actually get four wears out of a single pair of shorts, that being to wear them correctly once then reverse them (so that the front is in the back), then turn them inside-out and reverse them again.  I've never had to do that (and I hope I never have to) but it's as valid an option as any when pressed for methods in providing adequate cover to your naughty bits.

Next were other essentials such as socks, pajamas, and handkerchiefs.  I don't know that many people carry handkerchiefs nowadays but I took to carrying them many years ago when I was an avid concert-goer.  The utilitarian nature of something as simple as a square of cloth may escape you.  Have you ever found yourself needing to blow your nose, wipe sweat from your brow, dry off your hands after using a restroom with no paper towels or air dryer, or simply get caught with your lips and fingers covered in wing sauce but there's no napkins to be found?  There are many uses for a hanky, is what I'm getting at, and I keep one with me at all times.

I have an old duffel bag I've used since high school for random occasions; back then it was my backpack of choice - here, it's going to be ferrying my shoes.  Depending on the style and manufacturer, I can typically wear a mens shoe size 14 or 15 wide.  Suffice to say that finding footwear that's comfortable for me is something of a challenge considering most major shoe stores seem to be under the impression that no one has feet as large as mine.  Nevertheless, my point in bringing up my shoes is to say that with large feet come large shoes.  Somewhat unbelievably, I was able to fit a pair of dress shoes, my water shoes, a pair of sandals, my hats and a set of swimming goggles all within this one bag.

In contrast to the old duffel is a new accessory I purchased recently - the Maxpedition Sitka Gearslinger.  The Gearslinger series is described as a shoulder sling tactical messenger bag, and with its ballistic nylon construction it's great for everyday use as well as backpacking.  I plan on breaking in my Sitka during this trip as it will be holding gear such as my raincoat, flashlight, iPod, camera, and an assortment of other items.  I've customized my Sitka with Maxpedition's Janus Extension Pocket, which functions as both an extension of the shoulder strap and a useful front-side pouch.

Toiletries are another no-brainer because Heaven forbid we'd go off on vacation without smelling nice or forgetting basic hygiene practices.  For me, items that wind up in my toiletry bag include toothpaste, toothbrush, floss, band-aids, medication (which includes Zyrtec, daily multivitamins, anti-diarrhea tablets, aspirin and Tylenol), deodorant, cologne, body spray, aftershave, my razor (a Schick Quatro I've had for the better part of a decade; I don't bother with disposables as they tend to chew up my face), and shaving cream.  Additionally, for this trip I've got a fresh tube of SPF 50 sunblock and bug repellent, both of which will be necessary as we'll be hoofing it to a set of remote Mayan ruins whilst in Belize and I don't particularly want to get sunburn and/or bitten by some kind of malaria-toting beastie that doesn't have my best interests in mind when it sets upon me.

Aside from what I mentioned will be getting packed into my duffel and Sitka, the items I've mentioned prior to now account for the contents of my smaller suitcase which, in terms of dimensions, is not as big as a full-sized piece of luggage but not that small either.  It's been more than suitable for me to take with me on 2 or 3 day trips in the past, however it is most certainly an accessory for this vacation.

The remainder of what I have to pack will go into a much larger bag, the limits of which will most certainly be tested over the course of our vacation.  As I mentioned earlier, the difficulty in packing for this trip hasn't been deciding what to bring but more of how to deal with the volume of what I'm bringing in contrast to the amount of luggage space I have to work with.  I've got 100 pounds of crap but only a 50 pound bag, as it were.

My wardrobe is basic and I don't put a lot of effort into trying to match up pants to tops or what have you. (Proof of this is the fact that I apparently I missed out on some kind of basic clothing coordination classes in my formative years because I see nothing wrong with wearing brown shoes and a black belt, a fact that my wife persistently chides me about.) On any other vacation I could've continued with my ways as I'd just throw a bunch of my casual clothing into my bag and be done with it.  Cruising is a different animal in that there are formal nights in the main dining rooms aboard these vessels where dress codes require guests to be rather snazzily put together. (No, you don't have to attend these events as you could just as well eat from the buffet every meal, but you're paying for this experience when you book a cruise so there's no point in not getting the most out of it - besides, the food is amazing!) That being the case, I'll essentially have to bring double the amount of clothing I normally would - one set for roaming about care free and a completely different set for when we need to be gussied up.

I don't own a suit or even a sport jacket, although I do have several button-down dress shirts and ties (which sit in a hermetically sealed box 99% of the time so that they'll be fresh on the rare occasion that I actually need them), which is a perfectly appropriate ensemble for formal nights on board the ship as far as I'm concerned.  Formal wear, to me, is arguably the most dysfunctional clothing imaginable.  There is literally no redeemable or, more importantly, useful aspect to it - then again, that isn't its intention.  I'm sure somewhere out there a tactical clothing manufacturer has developed a suit that doubles as a survival outfit but I have yet to see it.

I've made kind of a big deal out of being able to fit all this stuff into my bags and, truth be told, it's a legitimate concern however I'm fairly certain it will all come together.  I've got enough time between now and when we'll be hitting the road that I should be able to sort through all that I've mentioned in this post, develop a plan of attack, and execute it with much precision.  I may have to use a form of origami on my garments then use one of those space-saving vacuum bags to get them all in, mind you, but it should work out okay.  How well it all fits back into my bags when it's time to come home will be an entirely different issue.

Rainbow Farting Unicorns - Part 1

The actual source of all rainbows

It's been brought to my attention that, more often than not, I tend to make things which have drawn my ire the subject of blog posts.  I can't argue with that point as I agree that I've developed a particular pattern of subject matter when it comes to what I choose to write about. (At least I can't be criticized for being inconsistent, I guess.) I also realize that this isn't healthy when it comes to trying to maintain the interest of readers - even though I'm certain there's a group of people who actually like entries wherein I complain and rant about things incessantly, this silent majority has been more than appeased thus far during the lifetime of my blog.  That being the case, I'm introducing this entry as the first in a recurring series wherein I talk about nothing but things I like or that have otherwise made me happy, hence the title "Rainbow-Farting Unicorns" (because you're in a deeper, darker place than I'd ever hope to consider being if the image of a rainbow-farting unicorn can't put a smile on your face).

"WORLD WAR Z" IS REALLY GOOD

It's no secret that zombies have become the flavor of the week when it comes to monsters being used in movies and television productions.  There's some kind of rotation that Hollywood uses which we mere mortals aren't privy to, I'm sure of it - how else can you explain that there are years where a bunch of alien invasion movies get made then the next a slew of vampire-centric films are rolled out?  They tap popular trends (striking while the iron is hot, as it were) and at this point zombies are about as popular as they ever have been.

A piece of literature that was on the forefront of the current zombie movement is Max Brooks' (yes, as in Mel Brooks' son) "World War Z", which is currently being adapted into a movie (which, allegedly, isn't going to be that close to its source material - shocker) starring Brad Pitt.  Originally released in 2006, WWZ is a very unique book in that it makes use of anecdotal stories gathered from first-hand interviews to chronicle the struggles of humanity attempting to overcome a world-wide plague of the undead.

Let me say first that it took some doing for me to get into this book.  I started reading it earlier this year and was challenged immediately by how it is written.  I think most avid readers are accustomed to stories being presented in a narrative format, which makes them relatively easy to navigate and absorb.  WWZ is different in that the story is pieced together through individual and seemingly scattered elements, making the scope of it incredibly vast.  It wasn't until after I'd forced myself to dedicate time to reading it that I began to appreciate how these pieces come to form an intricate tale ripe with details.  I enjoy using my imagination to assemble mental images of scenes and characters from books I'm reading as I'm reading them; if you share this trait, I can confirm that WWZ presents many opportunities to stretch your grey matter.  From epic battles with legions of zombies staged on familiar sites (Yonkers, New York for example was the site of the first large-scale encounter between the US military and the living dead) to harrowing survival stories involving perilous situations at every turn, the scenery in WWZ is truly epic.  I highly recommend this book for fans of horror, suspense, or science fiction - and documentaries, for that matter.

I'VE LOST WEIGHT

My wife and I have been members of our local YMCA for about 18 months now and she's been actively participating in Weight Watchers since February of this year.  Jill (who updates her blog a whole lot more frequently than I do - check her out at The Truesdale Times) has lost just shy of 75 pounds while on the Weight Watchers program and I could not be more proud of her!  She's done a tremendous job of subscribing to their guidelines and the proof is in the fact that she's in arguably the best shape of her life - I always thought she was beautiful but when I refer to her as my hot, young trophy wife now people actually get a sense of what I've been talking about.

Her efforts have rubbed off on me a bit because I've seen the fruits of her labor.  By watching her and paying attention to how she's been able to have such great success with the program, I've developed an understanding that the great thing about Weight Watchers is how it promotes effective decision making when it comes to choosing what to eat.  You can eat what you want while keeping in mind the consequences of your decisions (good or bad) instead of being forced into a diet where you're eating foods that will sustain you but will also make your taste buds want to rip themselves free of your tongue. (What's more, I think I'd go crazy if I had to switch out meals with shakes or some kind of beverage.) I feel like that's what most people use as an excuse to not maintain a diet, the fact that they can't have the foods they enjoy.  So instead of a regimen they can endure they wind up suffering through what's more akin to a form of penance than anything and can't help but hate the experience.  Weight Watchers is the exact opposite of that.

If you want a double-bacon cheeseburger, go ahead - but you have to realize that because you had the cheeseburger you shouldn't have other similar items that aren't exactly good choices.  On top of that, exercise helps!  No one is going to confuse me for an Olympic athlete, but I have to say that the changes I've been able to make by way of regular exercise are noticeable.  I have more endurance, greater strength, and more energy.  It used to be that I had to push myself just to keep up with Jill while we were walking (I'm still convinced she was trying to lose me while we were on the strip in Las Vegas), but that isn't the case anymore!  Little things like that (as well as the fact that I'm down a shirt size) start to add up in your mind and give you a sense of confidence to keep going.

The point is to say that I've been made aware of things I was eating previously and now realize the impact they can have in an overall sense of well being.  I know I've lost at least 20 pounds since some point this summer as that was when we purchased a scale and have been regularly tracking our weight.  Not to sound too cocky but I've thought of the idea of re-taking our wedding pictures because of the fact that we both look better now than we did then!

WE'RE (going to be) ON A BOAT!

When my then soon-to-be wife and I were going over options for our honeymoon more than a year ago, my ideas were Disney World or Hawaii.  Hawaii was out of the running fairly quickly, mainly because I didn't want to have to take out a personal loan just to finance the trip.  Disney is a personal favorite of mine as I've always loved the theme parks.  My family and I used to go there almost every year when I was growing up, so it goes without saying that I have plenty of fond memories of those experiences.

Jill's idea, on the other hand, was to take a cruise.  I'd never been on one (whereas she'd already been on several) and, truth be told, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea initially.  I was concerned about being sick the whole time, if we'd be comfortable living out of a cramped cabin for several days, and most of all whether or not it would be worth the money.  I only plan on getting married once, so of course I wanted the experience to be as memorable as possible (and of course I have to live up to my promise to Jill that our life together will be an adventure).  I eventually agreed to the cruise and so we booked a trip to the Bahamas aboard the Carnival Sensation.

To put my thoughts on the cruise quite succinctly, I loved every moment of it!  I have recommended the cruising experience to literally everyone who so much as mentions the possibility of being slightly interested in the chance they might take one at some point in their life.  I'm not necessarily a travel expert, but be that as it may I do not think that you can get a vacation with such great value by any other means.  Between the food, the shows, the picturesque ports of call, and everything else in between, it was a phenomenal trip and we were almost immediately looking forward to our next outing.

We're now within two weeks of being on the water again as we'll be setting sail to the western Caribbean for a 7 day voyage on board the Carnival Dream.  Saying "I CAN'T WAIT!" would be a slight understatement at this point as it feels like we've been looking forward to this trip for more than a year (which isn't far from the truth; we booked far in advance to get a lesser rate).  I wanted to take a longer trip on a bigger boat, and that's exactly what this itinerary allows for as the Dream is one of the largest vessels in Carnival's fleet.  We'll be making stops in Cozumel, Belize, Costa Maya, and Isla Roatan - on top of that we've booked several shore excursions, which we didn't try at all on our honeymoon.  This is one more example of an activity that as little as a few years ago I never thought I'd ever do, but I am and I'm sure we'll enjoy this trek just as much (or hopefully more so) as we did our previous adventure.

I ORDERED MY IPOD CLASSIC (Related Topic: Amazon.com is effing-incredible)

For several months now I've been agonizing over the decision as to whether or not I wanted to purchase a new iPod.  I have a significant amount of music in my collection and my older iPod Nano wasn't cutting it anymore.  The Nano I have only carries around 2 gigabytes of memory, which is a terribly small amount of storage space when you consider I have upwards of 60 gigs of music.  It's a pain for me to have to constantly unload and load music as my tastes change or as I acquire new tunes.  I wanted a device that would allow me to sync it up with my library every so often and carry all my music with me, not only for ease of maintenance but also because I now have a head unit in my truck that can interface with a USB device.  Suffice it to say that it's a whole lot more convenient to have my media contained on a box the size of a deck of cards instead of a huge case of CDs.

My problem, being the epic tight-wad that I am when it comes to spending money, was that I didn't want to incur the expense of upgrading.  I kid you not when I say that I agonized for what seemed like several months over making the purchase.  I knew what I wanted but I wasn't sure how to pay for it.  "Do I use my credit card or try to save up the cash?", I repeatedly asked myself.  Apparently I suffered a moment of weakness at some point within the past week because I ordered a 160 gigabyte iPod Classic with an accessory bundle from Amazon and the lovely thing was delivered to me early this morning!

Now I get to look forward to spending time setting it up - I sincerely hope there's never a stage of my life where I don't anticipate playtime with a new gadget with the kind of glee typically reserved for a 9 year old boy on Christmas morning.

RING OF HONOR RETURNS TO THE CAROLINAS 

When it comes to professional wrestling in the United States, there really are only two major companies in existence right now (even though a whole bunch of small indy promotions would have you believe they're the closest equivalent), those being World Wrestling Entertainment and iMPACT (aka, TNA) Wrestling.  Most observers, myself included, feel that the gap between WWE and TNA is ever widening with WWE having a huge advantage both in popularity and (more importantly) profitability.  They're the largest sports entertainment company in the world and their domination of the global market grows every year.  That's all well and good (especially if you're a little boy or a woman who delights in the fact that John Cena is the second coming of Hulk Hogan, that being a wrestler who's physique and charisma are unrivaled but who also happens to be an iffy at best when it comes to his grappling ability) except for the fact that the lack of any legitimate competition seems to make the creative forces behind the scenes feel like they don't necessarily have to work as hard as they would otherwise.  Point being, on some level WWE has realized that they're now at the top of the food chain and that the nearest threat is still wet behind the ears which has caused their product to become quite stale as of late.

There was a moment in the history of professional wrestling where there were three companies - WWE, World Championship Wrestling, and Extreme Championship Wrestling - competing in the United States.  ECW was always third in the pecking order, although to some felt they (despite being a much smaller company with nowhere near the financial backing of WWE) were better than WCW and even WWE.  Interestingly enough, nowadays there is once again a third company attempting to climb the mountain, as it were, in an attempt to open the eyes of fans to an alternative to the norm.  Enter Ring of Honor.

ROH has been around for nearly a decade and has enjoyed a significant amount of critical success as their unique brand of action takes a cue from what's referred to as strong-style wrestling more frequently seen in Japan.  Strong-style involves much more legitimate strikes and kicks than what's typically a part of wrestling matches, thereby heightening the audience's perception of genuine violence taking place.  This has been a great selling point for their brand as they're capable of reaching fans of both professional wrestling and mixed martial arts fighting without alienating either sub-culture.

I've been a fan of theirs for several years but, unfortunately for me, the only way I could ever see ROH material was by way of DVDs or ultra-low quality video of matches on YouTube or some other streaming site.  ROH is based in the northeast, Philadelphia specifically, and a majority of their live events take place in that region.  However, as my luck would have it they've now begun touring more extensively and have added several cities in the Carolinas to their list of regular haunts.  They've already held a handful of events in Charlotte, North Carolina and in December they'll be making two stops in the Carolinas: December 3 - Spartanburg, SC, and December 4 - Greensboro, NC.  With any luck, I'll be able to make it to at least one of these events (more than likely won't get to both but that would be fantastic).

I'd strongly encourage any wrestling fans in the area to check them out as theirs are some of the best shows I've been to in quite some time.  Take a chance on something new by seeing what else exists in the world of professional wrestling!

A Rant about Paying for Parking

I get some flack from associates of mine about my apparent stinginess when it comes to spending money.  They seem to be under the assumption that because I only recently got married and have no children that I wipe my rear end with $100 bills.  I wish that were the case - the being comfortably wealthy part, not the using money for toilet paper part.  I imagine that would do terrible things to my septic system, not to mention more than likely being incredibly rough on my posterior.

Be that as it may, I've never been one to spend money on a whim as I prefer to be more precise in budgeting my funds than most other folk seem to be. (That's an admittedly bold assumption on my part seeing as how I don't make a point to talk up personal financial strategies during casual conversation.) I like to know how much of the money in pot A is going to be taken away from me by services X, Y, and Z, thereby giving me a pretty firm understanding of what I have to work with at all times.  I have a fairly well-structured monthly budget and I do a better than decent job of staying within those parameters by spending money that is actually mine instead of making use of credit, however temptation is always afoot.  Case in point, I've had a handful of what some might call high-dollar items in my Amazon checkout for several weeks now.  I log into my account occasionally and am almost always immediately antagonized by financing offers.  Could I afford to take on the extra expense?  Sure I could, but I haven't pulled the trigger on making that purchase (yet) mainly because my fragile sense of stability might be irreparably damaged were I to do so.

On top of this is the fact that I tend to suffer from buyer's remorse.  Essentially whenever I make a purchase - even if it's for something I actually want or otherwise need - I tend to focus on the "What if?" of the scenario, namely what else could I have bought with the money I just handed over.  This being the case, you probably won't be surprised to find out that I don't much care to pay for services which I don't interpret as being genuinely beneficial to me in some way, shape, or form.

An example of this would be the fees associated with purchasing event tickets online via Ticket Master.  If you've never done business with them (good for you), you may not be aware that when purchasing event tickets in addition to the cost of admittance you're also charged with facility and convenience fees.  Ticket Master doesn't divulge what these fees cover (shocker), a fact which has lead me to make my own conclusions.  By my estimation, the convenience fee is supposed to make customers feel good about not having had to stand in line or deal with a person face-to-face during the purchase process. (The fact that mine is the last generation who will have known the excitement of camping overnight to be near the front of a line to buy tickets is rather disheartening to me.  Gone are the days of the truly dedicated being rewarded for their being opportunistically unemployed!) The facility fee must then be the cut of money that goes to the venue.  Some cohorts of mine and I have taken to referring to it as the "take a dump" fee, the joke being that these monies go towards covering the costs the venue incurs by way of patrons making use of the facilities.

That's two poop references thus far in this entry, friends - if you aren't impressed with the high-brow nature of this publication by now I don't know what else I can do to sway you into my favor.

Are these fees entirely pointless?  Probably not (I'd more than likely feel better about paying them if there was full disclosure as to their purpose or if they were lumped into the price of admission) but I think you can understand my frustration when the price of a ticket goes from $30 to $45 because of fees.  We're already paying through the nose for our stubs, more often than not, but we'll have to pay even more for a set of phantom services just to get in the door.  That's not good business, however it is how you potentially price your audience out of being able to attend an event.

Another scenario that exemplifies my displeasure with being forced to pay for a service which ultimately yields no tangible product is the concept of paying for parking.  My wife and I went to the South Carolina State Fair this past Sunday evening.  The parking lot attached to the fairgrounds is humongous and freely accessible to fair-goers, but with Sunday being the last day of the fair and the weather being particularly agreeable conditions were such that untold thousands descended upon the festivities for rides, games, entertainment, and one final taste of all-things deep fried (there was a vendor selling deep fried Kool Aid this year, proving yet again that there's no end in sight to the potential for food items to be dipped in batter, cooked in hot grease and served with a side of ranch dressing) before bidding the carnies farewell for another year.  The lot was filled to capacity when we arrived which meant we had to seek out parking elsewhere in one the auxiliary lots, meaning we would have to pay to park.

It cost us $5 to leave my wife's car sitting perilously close to a set of railroad tracks in a field being supervised (at the time we entered) by two little old ladies and a guy with a flag who was attempting to direct customers into empty spaces.  The fact that we weren't given any kind of validation ticket let me know that this wasn't exactly a professional operation we were dealing with. (Shriners were running this particular lot; I know they do good work for kids but I can't take anyone wearing a fez seriously.) When we returned several hours later, the little old ladies and the flagman were nowhere to be found.

My problem with this is two-fold: 1) Our car could've been damaged, looted, or stolen outright and 2) that $5 could've gone towards something of actual use, like an order of fried mushrooms or a refill on our souvenir lemonade.

That's what this is ultimately about, you see - I had to pay for something which I perceive as being completely pointless which, in turn, denied me the ability to buy something I actually wanted. (The vendors at the fair don't accept debit cards and I only had so much cash on hand.  Sure, there are ATMs at the fair but do you really think I'm going to fork over $3 for the privilege of withdrawing my own money?) I don't mind paying for services, even parking.  My wife and I visit Charleston's historic district a few times a year and we always have to pay for parking but I don't mind doing so there because the lots have attendants on site so long as there are cars parked in their domain.  Sure our car could get damaged whilst parked therein, but at least there would be someone nearby to take note of the matter in our stead.

Reading this blog, I guess it's no wonder that I worry about money, a lot.  I worry about it more than anything else, truth be told.  I worry that I don't have enough of it to provide for my family and to give us what we need as well as what we want.  I'd be lying if I said I'm not envious of others for what they have and we don't, even though I have just about every creature comfort, every gadget, every "big boy toy" you could imagine that would appeal to a grown-up kid like myself.  I'd like to think that I'm not unique in my anxiety but, at the same time, I feel like there are times where I have difficulty thinking about anything else.

All that having been said, do they make Prozac pills with dollar signs on them?  I may need a specific dose for what ails me.

Snow Cones Now Being Served in Hell (A Blog about Time Warner Cable)

If I were to attempt to log the issues I've encountered with Time Warner Cable's various services since the point in time that I became a customer of theirs almost three and a half years ago (not mentioning the two years I was with them while in college during which my signal was stolen by other tenants in the apartment complex I was renting from), I'd wind up writing an entry to this here site of mine that might rival the length of your average senior thesis and be layered with so much piss & venom that it would rank high in the pantheon of all-time rage inspired blogs.  I don't want to do that, odd as it may seem given my usual rhetoric, because quite frankly I'm bored with the concept of hating them.  It's a bit like a sports team that's so persistently bad that the concept of their massive ineptitude has gone from being a resource of resentment to that of comic relief.

Just to prove my point, I'll describe a situation from roughly a year and a half ago.  I'd just purchased a beautiful Sony Bravia LCD television for our living room and was looking forward to finally enjoying HD programming.  I get my new TV home, plug it in, and almost immediately I begin noticing issues with picture quality on the digital and HD tiers (of course the problem would be with the channels that are supposed to be better with higher-end TVs like the one I'd just bought instead of the analog channels).  The images would become distorted, almost like some kind of absurd cubist artwork - apparently this symptom is referred to as "tiling" to the Time Warner folks as I heard the term used at several points during conversations I had with their technicians.  In the process of attempting to remedy the situation, I went through the following steps:

• Manually reset my receiver myself (I unplugged it, in other words)
• Had my receiver reset by customer service (just for the sake of being redundant, I guess)
• Swapped out the receiver twice
• Changed out the lines coming into the house from the routing box
• Went from an aerial drop to a buried drop

Allow me to expound on that last bullet point.  The phrase "aerial drop" refers to how the cable line feeding our home came off of a telephone pole, traveled through the air (hence the usage of the word "aerial"), and was terminated when it reached the house.  In converting to a buried drop, that aerial cable was removed and replaced with a piece of wire running down the telephone pole, underneath a road, and through the backyard, buried just beneath the surface.  Why do this?  Technically speaking, it's more idealistic because you eliminate the possibility of the line being snapped by way of environmental hazards, some idiot driving an 18-wheeler through a residential neighborhood, or from all the obese pigeons in the neighborhood converging to roost on that one line at the same time. (Fat pigeons - loveable creatures or the newest terror threat?  Film at 11...)

When it came time to perform this conversion, Time Warner (which makes use of independent contractors to handle grunt work like this) dispatched the crew that was to handle attaching the new line to the routing box on the house before they'd sent out the crew to bury the line.  This delayed the process by several days, but it was finally completed and all parties involved hoped that this would be the end of the story.

As ESPN college football analyst Lee Corso would say, "NOT SO FAST, MY FRIEND!"

The tiling continued despite these efforts.  I made more calls to customer support and they sent out yet another technician.  This particular technician did something the others hadn't in accessing a diagnostic screen by way of the receiver attached to my beloved TV.  He took one look at the readout and exclaimed, "Oh man, that's HUGE!", in reference to a value corresponding to something called video heap.  As I understand it, the issue was that the receiver was getting more data than it knew how to process (buffering gone bad, as it were).  He left the house, went out and checked a transponder in the area and spotted that it was malfunctioning.  It was subsequently replaced and the issue resolved, albeit nearly 2 months after the initial request for service.

[SIDE NOTE: I can't not also mention the fact that at several points over the last few months our services have gone out completely - no TV, no phone, no Internet.  I would call to report an outage and TWC's customer service wouldn't be able to locate any interruptions in their system.  Then, low and behold, a day or so later we'd receive an automated call stating that an outage in our area may have interrupted our service...Really?  You don't say!  Here I'd convinced myself I'd just imagined the whole thing.]

You see what I mean now when I look back on my experiences with Time Warner and how I think of them as a horrible comedy of errors?  A company this large that spends so much effort in promoting the benefits of their wares and yet it takes 2 months and almost a dozen technicians to recognize the root of an issue like this.

I'm sure by now you may be asking, "If this guy dislikes their service so much, why does he still have it?"  Two reasons: 1) Back before I purchased my TV and things were fine I signed up for what TWC referred to as a "Price Lock Guarantee" which amounted to a two year service contract similar to what you see offered by most cellular companies in that there is a fairly high early termination fee involved, and 2) at this point I feel like I kind of have to keep it.  Think of it as if you were building a house.  You encounter issues after construction has begun that require you to go back to the drawing board and re-think parts of your design.  Do you tear down the house and start over?  No, you keep moving forward, onward, and (hopefully) upward with the project.  I'd hate to essentially undo all that's been done by going to another provider because as of this moment our services through TWC are running about as well as they ever have, quite honestly.

A couple weeks after the most recent set of service calls (2 in two weeks for the same issue; it was something relating to the wiring at the pole, and from the way the technician spoke I almost want to believe someone had attempted to steal our signal), I received a piece of mail from TWC that looked unlike any other correspondence I'd ever gotten from them.  I knew immediately it wasn't a bill because of its shape which lead me to assume it might be an advertisement or promotional gimmick.  As I opened it I realized the weight of the paper from which the envelope was made had a decent heft to it, making it feel like it had a certain level of poignancy.  Intrigued, I finished opening the envelope and could then see that the inside of the pocket had been printed purple and emblazoned with their logo, furthering the sensation that this wasn't just another mailer.  Finally, I extracted the contents of the envelope and found this.

"Well if that doesn't beat all...", I thought to myself.  The concept of TWC actually apologizing for the woes of having to deal with their ineptitude was startling.  While I appreciate the sentiment I couldn't help but add this to the pile of unfortunately amusing things they've put into my life.  For starters, a sympathy card is nice however an offer to give us service credits or (Heaven forbid) a discounted rate on our services would've been more appropriate albeit very unlikely.  I have a better chance at being chosen to play cowbell for Metallica than I do at ever seeing money back from Time Warner.

Notice the part in the text about how we'll have access to their elite service teams - they have their equivalent of Navy SEAL Team 6, apparently.  Okay, that's great, but you mean to tell me that up until now I've been dealing with the Gomer Pyle-level service teams?  You've just informed me that you've got a set of guys roaming around out there who are supposedly great at what they do, which is an inadvertent admission that there are others who - either by directive or thanks to their own stupidity, having lost out on the genetic lottery - just kind of half-ass their way through assignments.  For that matter, why doesn't everyone have access to these elite operators?  We're all paying customers, so why should certain of us get preferential treatment when it comes to maintenance issues?

What this whole thing boils down to is persistent frustration.  Not the kind you seek medical-grade pharmacology to treat, mind you - rather the kind that you almost learn to put up with because the root of the matter is something we want to appreciate but can't in some situations.  I think everyone has had a frustrating relationship here or there throughout their lifetime.  A girlfriend you love but refuses to ever see a movie you'd like to watch, a relative who's alright so long as their favorite sports team doesn't let them down in a big game, or even a dog who only ever seems to take a dump exactly where you don't want him/her to do it.  Unfortunately, putting up with fussy technology is oftentimes worse than dealing with similar issues involving carbon-based lifeforms.  For the money we pay, we expect these gadgets to work 100% of the time, and they should because ultimately it's important that we be able to watch new episodes of Big Bang Theory or play Call of Duty via XBOX Live.  What else is there to life, after all, than the content we crave so dearly?

Fantasy Movie Casting: "The Dresden Files"

Several years ago I was introduced to a series of novels by author Jim Butcher titled "The Dresden Files".  TDF follows the adventures of Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden (named after 3 famous stage magicians - Harry Houdini, Harry Blackstone, Sr., and David Copperfield) who works as a paranormal investigator in Chicago, Illinois and who is also a very powerful wizard.  Swords and sorcery with a modern twist, as it were.  I fell in love with the mythology, thanks mostly to Butcher's wit and excellent sense of storytelling, and quickly absorbed the material, reading the first twelve books of the series in relatively short order (I have the thirteenth book - "Ghost Story" - at home now) and I eagerly await the opportunity to see where the group of characters making up this series will be taken to with each new iteration.

The popularity of the novels made it a hot commodity and as such a television series was developed.  I'd not gotten into the world of Harry Dresden when the TV series originally aired on the Sci Fi Channel in 2007 (Side Note - It still bothers me that the Sci Fi Channel is now the SyFy Channel...I know, it's a gimmick, but it looks dumb and if pronounced literally it would sound like siff-ee.) and I've not yet bothered to watch any episodes of the series (it only ran for one season) mainly because it appears that there were significant liberties taken with the source material in adapting it for TV.  I'm not entirely opposed to alterations being made when it comes to translating a work of literature to a medium like television because there are many logistical issues that can stand in the way of successfully doing so.  However, I take great exception to the practice when characters are altered entirely because some random producer feels their vision will work better than the original incarnation.  This being the case, I felt like I - speaking on behalf of Dresden fans everywhere - should do Hollywood a favor and submit what is, in my eyes, a definitive cast that would do great justice to bringing "The Dresden Files" to the silver screen.

Please note that this list of characters contains only a select few of the primary cast of recurring characters.  To me, these are the characters holding the most significant roles within the saga.  As you might imagine with a series that is now better than a decade old, the supporting players are numerous (more than 60, according to a Wikipedia article on the subject) and if I were to try and cast them all I'd never make it through to the end.

HARRY DRESDEN - Bradley Cooper

Dresden is a heroically tragic figure as he quite regularly gets his ass handed to him in fights which he's gotten caught up in thanks to his sense of fierce loyalty to friends and allies.  Truth be told, there has been at least one scenario in every Dresden novel where I've thought to myself, "Jim Butcher must really hate this guy else he wouldn't write him into these situations..." (This is, of course, a classic tactic for building an audience's appreciation for a hero.) Nevertheless, through it all he maintains a relentless drive to do what's right and his razor sharp sarcastic humor.

I feel like Bradley Cooper - who also happens to share many of Harry's physical characteristics - could quite simply dye his hair black, get into wardrobe, and be fully capable of bringing Dresden to life.  Cooper has the charisma and acting ability to carry the weight of being a leading man, but he hasn't yet had a career-defining role that would forever put him into the upper echelon of actors who're adored for their efforts.  For these reasons, he's an ideal choice to play the part of Harry Dresden.

KARRIN MURPHY - Jennifer Aniston

Karrin Murphy (more often referred to simply as Murphy) is a veteran of the Chicago Police Department who - despite her abilities as an officer - has been relegated to managing the special investigations division.  She, much like Dresden, has stuck her nose a little too deep into the business of others, her superiors specifically, and doing so has wound up killing her career.  SI is essentially a "catch-all" office responsible for handling cases deemed out of the ordinary or in some way related to the paranormal.  A dedication to her work and the realization that some things going on in the world around her can't be explained by other means is what puts her on a path to encountering Harry.

When I began thinking about actresses who could take on Karrin Murphy, there were only a few who came to mind and an admittedly sinister ulterior motive (which will be revealed later) is what ultimately lead me to my choice.  Jennifer Aniston has never been involved in a big budget action flick or anything related the science fiction/fantasy genre, and that's what makes me think she'd be ideal.  A part like this would be a true shot in the arm for her career as it would be a big step away from the parts for which she's become known - a real opportunity to stretch her legs, as it were.

BOB - Bill Murray

Bob isn't so much a who as he is a what.  Bob is an air spirit of intellect with no tactile form; he exists within an enchanted human skull that Dresden keeps in his laboratory.  When active, Bob's essence glows with an orange hue from the eye sockets of the skull.  It's difficult to describe Bob and his abilities; to put it in terms of technological analogy, Bob is like a massive hard drive filled with information about people, creatures, places, and events in our realm as well as the Nevernever (which is a dimension beyond our own from whence beings like Bob originate).  He's a vast resource of knowledge that Harry makes use of quite regularly (wizards and electronics don't get along; since Harry can do damage to machines like computers by just being around them, having Bob around is invaluable).  As such, you might think he's a real downer to be around but the opposite is quite true as Bob appreciates Harry's humor, has a fondness for romance novels, and absolutely loves boobs.

The role of Bob would be a pure voiceover assignment.  So why Bill Murray?  By in large, Bob is a wise-cracking smart aleck who is able to trade quips with Harry like no one else in the Dresden-verse.  Personally, when I think of actors who've made a career out of being wise-cracking smart alecks, Bill Murray is pretty close to the top of the list.  What may present a challenge here is that there have been occasions where Bob's personality shifts entirely, usually based on who's taken possession of him, as he's gone from happy go lucky to downright homicidal within the course of one story.  Call it an opportunity for Murray to expand his range - I think he could pull it off.

SUSAN RODRIGUEZ - Jessica Biel

Every hero who is surrounded by tragedy will almost certainly owe at least some of his heartache to a romantic relationship gone sour, and this is exactly the case for Harry Dresden.  Susan Rodriguez initially encounters Dresden while working as a reporter for a tabloid newspaper specializing in all-things paranormal.  Their relationship quickly goes from cordial to coital (See what I did there?) and the two seem nearly inseparable - that is until Susan is bitten by a vampire of the Red Court (in the Dresden-verse there are two vampire "families", the Red Court and the White Court; neither are particularly cheery but the reds are by far the most horrible).

The potential for chemistry between actors, especially those who will be engaged in an on-screen romantic relationship, is an important consideration to make when casting.  As you may or may not be aware, Jessica Biel and Bradley Cooper have swapped spit (it dawned on me whilst writing this particular paragraph that the phrase "swapped spit" doesn't get used nearly enough) previously as they were an item in The A-Team.  The role wouldn't necessarily be physically demanding at first but that changes as Susan metamorphoses from her human form to that of an individual fighting to maintain her humanity by denying the hunger of the demon inside her after she's attacked by vampires.  Biel has had exposure to action and vampires in Blade: Trinity, making her even more ideal for the part.

THOMAS RAITH - Chris Hemsworth

Thomas Raith is a vampire of the White Court and an heir to the throne of their kingdom, for lack of a better term.  Thomas' lineage is somewhat complicated by the fact that he's the offspring of a vampire (his father, Lord Raith) and a human woman (a fact which will also complicate his relationship with Dresden).  Unlike Red Court vampires, those of the White Court don't sap the life force of their victims via physical attacks.  Rather they rely on their inherent natural beauty to woo humans into their presence, making them feel a sensation of bliss derived from intense sexual arousal which takes away all other needs and desires, and essentially drain energy from their captives by way of an outpouring of emotion.

Thomas has been described by Harry as being the "Lost Greek God of Body Cologne" and "the High Priest of Bowflex".  Anyone who's seen Chris Hemsworth's recent work in Thor knows that the guy is not only a talented actor but that he also happens to be in incredible physical condition.  I think he'd make a valuable addition to the cast and add much to the depth of the presentation.

LARA RAITH - Angelina Jolie

Lara Raith is Thomas Raith's elder sister.  Her beauty is only outmatched by her ability to manipulate those around her as she has proven time and time again to be a masterful schemer in the art of seduction.  Having taken an intense interest in usurping the potential power beheld by her siblings, Lara has over time been able to all but assume control of the White Court (her father remains his kingship but is not more than a figurehead).  She and Harry have crossed paths on multiple occasions and have maintained something of a workable relationship as both characters know their ends may only be met by way of means the other can provide.

Remember when I wrote earlier in this piece about casting Jennifer Aniston for a reason?  Well, here's that ulterior motive I mentioned.  I'm fairly certain that simply having Aniston and Jolie in the same film would make people interested in seeing it.  I'm not recommending her for the part solely because of a desire to take advantage of the human interest angle, though, as Jolie is an ideal candidate to portray Lara (even though it would mean her being known as two Lara's - Raith and Croft).  Her work in Beowulf is evidence that she can devour scenes while handling the role of a villainess.

EBENEZAR MCCOY - Tommy Lee Jones

Ebenezar McCoy is an incredibly powerful wizard and senior member of the White Council, a governing body (The White Council itself is presided over by the Merlin - who isn't the original Merlin but rather a wizard given the title of Merlin. Confused yet?) that presides over all individuals recognized as having a talent for wizardry and witchcraft by enforcing the seven Laws of Magic.  McCoy is also Harry Dresden's mentor and almost certainly Harry's most powerful ally.  McCoy functions as something of a moral compass for Harry but their relationship is damaged when it is revealed that Ebenezar is the White Council's "blackstaff" - a designation given to a wizard of the White Council to function outside of the laws of magic, meaning he has been given free reign to do anything necessary in order to protect the interests of the White Council (and I do mean anything).

McCoy is one of my favorite characters of the series.  He's one of several characters that I always look forward to learning more about and seeing as how McCoy is more than 200 years old (wizards can live to be an extraordinary age but they are not immortal or any less susceptible to injury than you or I) there's plenty more to tell than what's been told thus far.  That said, I could think of no one else I'd sooner see play McCoy than Tommy Lee Jones who, not surprisingly, is one of my favorite actors.  The grizzled yet still emotionally identifiable presentation that Jones brings to his performances has made him an icon in my eyes and there is literally no one else I would have in the role - as in if I were actually able to cast this film and he said no I'd more than likely say to the producer, "MOVIE'S OFF, CANCEL KRAFT SERVICES, EVERYONE GO HOME!"

MICHAEL CARPENTER - Ray Stevenson

Michael Carpenter is one of three individuals who are recognized as being Knights of the Cross, an ancient organization given the divine right to carry enchanted swords embedded with one of the nails used to crucify Jesus Christ. (Michael's sword, Amoracchius, is believed to be Excalibur, the mythical Sword in the Stone as it was at one point in time entrusted to Merlin - as in the original Merlin not some other guy.) Michael, not surprisingly, is a devout Christian and quite often rubs Harry the wrong way with his persistent trust that through all trials God's will holds what's best for each of us.  Despite this, Michael knows that at Harry's center is a desire to do what's right, and Harry values Michael's friendship and council.

Ray Stevenson isn't exactly a household name.  He's had some mainstream exposure with roles in movies such as Punisher: War Zone, King Arthur, and The Book of Eli (if you haven't seen Eli, do yourself a favor and do so - very profound movie that hasn't been fully appreciated yet, in my opinion).  Why Stevenson?  It's a role that would allow him to establish himself as being more than a bit-player, for one, as most of his gigs have been as supporting cast up to this point.  Michael Carpenter is a pillar of a man, resolute in his beliefs and sturdy to his core.  Stevenson, with his gravel-y voice, domineering physical presence, and rugged good looks is an ideal choice.

CHARITY CARPENTER - Gillian Anderson

Charity Carpenter, Michael's wife, is just shy of being worthy of the old battleaxe tag so many strong-willed women have been burdened with.  However, being the wife of a Knight of the Cross and mother to seven (yes, SEVEN) children gives her the right to be who she is - a protective woman willing to do anything to preserve the safety of her family.  She at first tolerates Harry's presence around Michael, thinking him to be a source of great danger (and rightfully so), but her stance softens with time after she realizes that Harry would lay down his own life for a member of her family.  It will be revealed that she, like many characters within the Dresden-verse, is harboring a deep secret of which not even her husband is aware.

By a show of hands, who amongst you reading this has never seen an episode of The X-Files?  How awesome was that show?!  I miss the ongoing adventures of Mulder and Scully, for crying out loud!  That said, I think it's time Gillian Anderson got back on the horse and did something with a large scope and feel to it.  She's been keeping busy with smaller projects since the curtain closed on X-Files and now that she's a three-time mother and a bit older (wow, I felt bad having to write that she's qualified because she's older - Hollywood is a fickle beast) I feel like she'd be able to pour her personal experiences into the role.  On top of that, her geek-icon status would do well to attract audiences, making her welcome addition to the cast for an entirely different reason.

MOLLY CARPENTER - Chloe Moretz

Molly Carpenter is the oldest child of Michael and Charity Carpenter.  A rebellious teenager, Molly inadvertently breaks one of the Laws of Magic by using a form of mind control (an ability which Molly was able to cultivate on her own after having noticed her abilities) to help several of her friends kick their drug addictions and having done so draws the attention of the White Council.  Regardless of her noble intentions, the White Council identifies her use of black magic as a potential threat and thereby seeks to punish her accordingly - by chopping off her head (the White Council isn't exactly lenient when it comes to dealing with apparent heretics; they believe that once a person has taken a path away from harnessing their powers through proper training ["proper training" being techniques and values endorsed by the White Council, thereby conditioning the beliefs system of a particular individual] that they're more or less an enemy combatant).  Harry, McCoy, Michael, and others come to her aid and manage to prevent her demise, after which she becomes Harry's apprentice.

The character of Molly is one that we literally watch as she grows up and matures from one novel to the next.  This being the case, it would be a welcome idea to cast an actress who - for the sake of consistency - could maintain her presence in the series without the role having to be re-cast every so often.  At 14 years of age presently Chloe Moretz, perhaps better known as Hit Girl from Kick Ass, is exactly that.  Moretz is a blossoming talent and the role of Molly would give her a chance to establish herself within a character that will grow significantly over the course of the series.

"GENTLEMAN" JOHNNY MARCONE - George Clooney

 A crime lord whose rise to power has landed him in control of Chicago's underworld, "Gentleman" Johnny Marcone presents a man who is most accurately described as being a double-edged sword.  On the one hand, as a mafioso, he's an adversary of Dresden - be that as it may, Marcone and Dresden often find themselves working together.  Like most mob bosses of legend, Marcone isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty if it means protecting his interests.  On the other hand, Marcone has shown that while he may be a criminal he is not without some sense of morality.  Marcone feels great remorse for injuries suffered by a young girl who happened to be caught in the crossfire during an attempt to murder him by a rival gang, and has gone to great lengths to provide care for her after the fact.

Marcone, in my mind, is equal parts savvy businessman and criminal genius but the line between one and the other is often blurred.  George Clooney has the capacity to capture the look of both aspects of Marcone's personality, but more importantly he is more than talented enough to play a cool, calculating mastermind of the underworld.  You may think I would point to his swing as Danny Ocean in the Oceans 11 films, however for this I actually think his work in From Dusk Til Dawn would be a more appropriate source of justification.  Therein his character is a violent felon confronted with supernatural baddies (vampires) who finds himself having to help a group of people he wouldn't have normally cared less about in order to save his own skin, and in the end he shows signs of compassion for those who've fought alongside him.

WALDO BUTTERS - Neil Grayston

It seems that every courageous hero must, by default, have a bumbling, cowardly yet able to be inspired sidekick.  Waldo Butters is exactly that for Harry Dresden.  A medical examiner by trade and one-man polka band by the grace of the Almighty (as Michael Carpenter might say), Butters landed himself in psychiatric treatment after having performed autopsies on the remains of several vampires which he declared in his reports as being "human-like but not human".  He was allowed to resume his work but demoted for his efforts.  He's since become Harry's go-to resource for medical attention (Have I mentioned that Dresden gets beat up, and frequently?) as Dresden trusts Butters because of his having been thrust into the world of the paranormal.

Unless you're a frequent viewer of Eureka on the SyFy Channel you more than likely have no idea who Neil Grayston is.  In Eureka, Grayston plays Douglas Fargo who's a brilliant but socially awkward scientist.  Grayston is another example of a young actor whose career could greatly benefit from a role in a big-time production such as this as it would be a recurring part in an expansive universe.  Butters is a beloved character by fans of the Dresden novels and I feel like Grayston is a genuinely likeable guy, which is just another feather in his cap when it comes to his involvement with the project.

Internet = Serious Business

I remember my first computer - my first actual computer, that is.  I had a Commodore 64 but seeing as how I never did anything with it other than play games (What else was I supposed to do with it?  Cut me some slack, I was 5 years old.) I don't think it really counts.  That first PC was a behemoth of a machine, a Packard Bell model that, along with its monitor, weighed just slightly less than a Smart Car with half a dozen midgets inside the thing.  My parents had gotten it for me in the mid-1990's with the intention of it being a great asset in doing my schoolwork.  Consequently I spent more time on it customizing my race cars in NASCAR Racing and chasing down TIE fighters in X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter than doing anything remotely related to my studies.  Around that same time our local telecom provider began offering a strange new form of communication called email and along with it came connectivity to this thing called the Internet, which we accessed via a telephone line and dial-up modem.

Oh, if I had only known then what I know now about how the world would be forever changed by that strange Internet thingie...

In activating my email account, I was asked what I'd like to have as my user name.  The representative I was working with at the telecom company suggested that I use a nickname or something other than my actual name for the sake of security.  So, being the dumb kid that I was, I used the only nickname I had at the time - "Big Dog", stemming from my plethora of t-shirts from BIG DOGS - for my first ever Internet handle.  Not exactly a professional-sounding moniker, needless to say, but it served me well enough.  Within short order of setting up the account and going online I was communicating with people by way of email (Anyone remember Eudora Lite?), mainly other locals who'd also picked up on the infantile technology.  However, I was also in touch with others, people I didn't know but had encountered on the web by way of one method or the other.  Some of my favorite pen pals, as it were, were a group of writers at a video gaming magazine called Ultra Game Players (which sadly doesn't exist anymore) that ran goofy ideas for games as part of their letters section.  The game idea submissions were, in most cases, fairly irreverent albeit hilarious.  I began firing away ideas at them and before long I had several of my submissions published (there was no cash prize involved, I'm sad to say).  When asked what name I wanted associated with the publication I didn't use my real name, rather a set of pen names.

So it was that within a very narrow span of time that I'd gone from being myself to big_dog@infoave.net (go ahead, send email there - some other dope has that account now), to a set of other names which were not my own.  In doing so I became part of a trend that has been an aspect of participating in the community that is the Internet since day one of public usage.  That being, people quickly realized that they weren't necessarily required to operate under their own identity or, more importantly, their own personality whilst online.  You might be Joe T. Bumsniffer - an easy-going, semi-bashful, introverted kind of guy - in the real world but on the web?

I AM FLAMING_SWORD917, KNEEL BEFORE MY AWESOMENESS YOU PEONS!!!!!

You're not a successful person in reality?  That's okay, be a doctor/lawyer/astronaut on the web!

You can't drum up the courage to talk to an attractive girl?  No problem, you can be Don Juan Suave online!

You don't have the personal accountability to express your opinions without fear of retribution from society?  Who cares, you're not writing those things yourself - your alter-ego did it!

The point of all this is to say that the nature of the Internet encourages a climate of pseudo-anonymity.  When people are online, they feel like they're safe because even though they are connected to the rest of the world they have a sense that they're protected, that whatever content they generate will somehow be confined to that little box or gadget by which they've accessed the web.  What's more, they appreciate the opportunity to do things that they'd otherwise never do, living off the thrill of getting to be outspoken, heroic, villainous, amorous, or otherwise expressive of whatever recessive personality traits their perverted mind may be secretly harboring.

Right now you may be thinking to yourself, "If this guy is being critical of people who are on the web using made-up personalities he ought to take a look in the mirror!", and you'd be right.  I didn't use my real name when I branded this blog for 2 reasons: 1) I've never been bashful about it being known that I'm the man otherwise known as Red Beard (one of them, anyway - it's not exactly an original idea for a nickname so there's obviously plenty of others who might claim it as well) and 2) "Robert's Rambling" just doesn't have the same connotation to it as "RedBEARD's Rambling".  It reminds me of this scene from Raising Arizona (a personal favorite of mine).

FBI Investigator: Is it true your name was originally 'Nathan Huffheinz'? 
Nathan: Yeah, what of it? 
FBI Investigator: Why did you change it? 
Nathan: Would you buy furniture from a place called 'Unpainted Huffheinz'?

Part of running a successful blog (or any website, for that matter) is about having a gimmick and the presentation to go along with it, so pardon my showmanship while I give you a guarantee that this isn't schtick - what I write herein is my own set of opinions, like them or not, and I'm not shy about claiming them.  This is in contrast to some folks who sit behind their keyboards and act as if they're Conan the Destroyer but if you were to ever call them out on something they've done on the web they'd panic and collapse like a house of cards built on a waterbed.

There's a growing shift away from Internet handles thanks to many online communities taking advantage of integration through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter (@redb3ard - cheap plug) whereby comment sections on websites that had once been populated by faceless trolls are now suddenly made up of actual people.  All this has done is given users enough rope with which to hang themselves.  They may not be operating under a convenient veil of secrecy (which is a complete farce; every activity you engage in online can be traced and linked back to its point of origin) but they still feel a sense of security in that they can post prose or imagery at will without fear of retribution or reprisal in the real world.  As ESPN college football analyst Lee Corso might say, "Not so fast, my friend!"  Your comments follow you from the web to reality and influence the way others perceive you even though they may never meet the "real" you (whoever that may be).  As I've mentioned earlier, the comfort and security that the web allows for is a terribly dangerous sensation to give into.  You may not believe me but I've seen first hand what can happen when a person without enough gumption to keep their fingers off a keyboard inadvertently triggers a feud that would make the Hatfields and McCoys proud.  Would those folks have had the wherewithal to hold their tongues if they were having actual conversations instead of trading posts online?  Possibly, but the fact remains that they're more likely to make their feelings known because of the relative safety conveyed by not having to stand in front of their rival.

On the extreme end of the consequences of actions taken in virtual reality crossing over into real reality is the fact that more than just your reputation with the locals might be ruined by way of online activities.  There are plenty of examples of people who've been convicted of crimes for having made their less-than-legal exploits public by way of Facebook, many of which may never have even been known about had they not given in to the urge to get attention or some semblance of fame from their actions.

A more identifiable kind of online activity is when something is written with the intention of being a joke only for it to be taken seriously by someone who can't detect sarcasm or humor at which point they fly off the handle with a tirade that's often more amusing to observe than the original bit of joviality had been.  To the credit of these individuals, tone of delivery isn't always easy to sense when you're dealing with printed text.  I think this was the intention behind emoticons which can be an asset in getting your point across - assuming the person who can't tell a joke from a genuinely snide remark can distinguish a colon followed by another symbol as being a representation of emotion, that is.

My general rule of thumb when it comes to reading or viewing anything online is to automatically take it as being either: A) Complete BS, B) a piece of content that is intended to be entertaining yet might get taken the wrong way (meaning I should probably keep my thoughts to myself and go somewhere else, pronto), or C) a desperate cry for attention that unless it comes off as being horribly legitimate in its scope should be thoroughly ignored.

Scenario A is the most easily identifiable - or so it should be, but this might just be me seeing as how I tend to function with my BS Detector set to maximum yield at all times - and should be immediately dismissed (although laughing riotously at it first is perfectly acceptable).  Scenario B can go a couple of different routes but I find that unless you unintentionally get caught in the middle of a crossfire it's best to sit back and watch rather than become involved.  Much like kids throwing temper tantrums, Internet-folk who get riled up will tire themselves out eventually.  Scenario C varies between two extremes - on the one hand you have people who are legitimately troubled and need professional help, but on the other hand you've got people who've subconsciously identified that they can get onlookers to fawn over them if they seem desperate enough.  I guess it's better than them cutting themselves with hunting knives.

My point with this entry has been to generally warn the masses of the implicit dangers of participating in online communities because having been around the web for as long as I have I feel like I know better than most what pitfalls exist (even though new ones are popping up all the time).  The Internet doesn't come with an instruction manual, and even if it did chances are it would be horribly inadequate at preparing you for what this beautifully nightmarish realm of existence actually is. (I could never properly describe what residual effects my experiences online have left me with except to say it's been like walking through a mine field with rabid wolves lurking around every corner yet somehow containing huge amounts of everything you've ever loved.) It's an inviting place but one that grinds on you and, through prolonged exposure, inadvertently changes your very being.  That said, you should probably take whatever device it is that you're reading this on, as well as any other comparable devices you may have in your possession, and destroy them with fire.  Encourage your friends and family members to do the same, they're better off never knowing what a blue waffle is or that you never want to get invited to a lemon party or that 2 girls with 1 cup is a situation you never want to encounter...Now if you'll excuse me I have to catch up on my YouTube subscriptions and see if I can find that new Mastodon album on Rapidshare.

Rise of the Planet of Silly Remakes

Science fiction is a favorite genre of mine.

I enjoy it because the vastness of its scope is nearly unlimited seeing as how science is a continually developing part of our culture, which means that the boundaries of the genre are as far flung as the reaches of our own universe.  The premise of science fiction is that the primary source of creativity lies in some piece of scientific fact that is then toyed with in order to assemble an alternate reality in which a particular set of possibilities seem to be likely.  Where problems arise is when creators take an idea that's based in reality with theories to support it then they manipulate it so that it suits the plot they're trying to construct - the notion of taking creative liberties, as it were, is what puts the fiction in science fiction. (The willingness of the audience to suspend their sense of disbelief is key to the success or failure of the effort to try and distort reality as we know it.) This is how we've gotten such amazing pieces of cinema as the 2010 Syfy Movies production Mega Piranha, starring Barry Williams (better known as Greg Brady from "The Brady Bunch") as Bob Grady (because having him play a character named Breg Grady would've been too much of a stretch).

In Mega Piranha, a school of altered piranha are created through genetics research.  Needless to say, the experiments don't go as planned and before long there's a group of gigantic, blood thirsty piranha headed towards Florida - and, of course, it's the height of tourist season.

Before I go any further, let me ask the obvious questions: Why?  What purpose could better piranha possibly serve mankind?  We're talking about fish that are basically swimming razor blades with insatiable appetites that will eat anything they encounter.  Are they going to be able to function as personal bodyguards or willingly dip themselves into cornmeal before flipping into a deep fryer?  Those are the only situations where I can see a reason to actually pursue this kind of work.  It's material like this that has put a black eye onto the sci-fi genre in terms of it being taken seriously, but at the same time modern audiences realize that it's meant to be taken with a grain of salt.  Besides, if a movie is labeled as being the "Syfy movie of the week" or is in any way associated with Roger Corman, you can bet dollars to doughnuts that it's going to be a steaming dump of a film.

There are, however, plenty of quality works of science fiction where the plausibility of the scenario being presented is somewhat high.  A perfect example of this is Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park (adapted from Michael Crichton's novel), which is an absolutely brilliant combination of film making and usage of science in developing an amazing yet still believable story.

 

On the opposite side of the spectrum is a movie that has drawn my ire for two reasons.  First and foremost, it is a remake, and we all know exactly how I feel about movie remakes. (Some media outlets are calling it a re-imagining instead of a remake as it isn't directly tied to the previous effort on which it's based.  Call it whatever you want - if it swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, and has feathers like a duck, it's probably a duck...) What's worse is that it's a remake of a movie that's already been remade once before (I guess Hollywood doesn't have a limitation on Mulligans). I'm talking about none other than Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Interestingly, there are two versions of the poster - one making Caesar
appear more sinister with the other posing him as a heroic figure

In the original Planet of the Apes film, a group of astronauts are set to go off in exploration of deep space.  After launch, the astronauts remain in a state of suspended animation for several thousand years until their craft crash lands in a body of water on what appears to be an unknown planet with soil that is found to be incapable of sustaining vegetation.  They soon discover that there are humans inhabiting the planet but that they exist in a beastly state with no sense of order or culture.  As it turns out, apes are the dominant species of the planet and these primates commonly hunt humans, either killing them or using them for slave labor and scientific experimentation.  By the end of the film a revelation is uncovered that this planet isn't some alien land but rather a version of Earth that exists in the distant future.  It's a classic piece of sci-fi that twisted the idea of man having evolved from apes as well as having taken advantage of growing fears of what could happen if full-scale nuclear war were ever to occur in order to create a desolate vision of the world to come.

The poster for Planet of the Apes (1968)
starring Charlton Heston

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (there should never be that many the's in a movie title) is more akin to Mega Piranha than its forebear in that the origin of the ape uprising it presents lies in scientific testing on primates, specifically that to try and reverse the effects of Alzheimer's disease in humans.  The study, performed on a chimpanzee named Caesar, inadvertently creates an ape that develops significantly advanced cognitive abilities.  Realizing that he and the rest of his lab-monkey brethren have been held captive and generally mistreated, Caesar leads a revolt against their captors as well as the rest of mankind.

Sounds like a fairly solid basis for a sci-fi Summer blockbuster, doesn't it?  I'll admit that in the grand scheme of things the idea of genetically modified chimps attacking the scientists performing tests on them seems more logical than a group of astronauts from the 1970s surviving a several thousand year trip into the future.  The point where my ability to suspend disbelief completely evaporates as it relates to Rise of the Planet of the Apes, aside from the idea that James Franco is a brilliant scientist, is the notion that what I assume to be a fairly small group of apes (I'd think it would have to be a relatively small group because: A) California is the setting of the film and last I checked there are no indigenous species of ape in that part of the world, and B) even if Caesar is super-intelligent the idea of him being able to replicate the serum that created him as well as develop the means to deploy it to a larger section of the ape population is ridiculous) is able to overthrow all the governments, all the police forces, and all the military outfits of the entire planet - not to mention all the hunters, gang bangers, and random gun owners out there who would love to stuff and mount the head of a silverback gorilla on the wall of their living room.

Caesar may be a smart monkey, but can he dodge a sniper's bullet?  Caesar may be able to do differential calculus, but can he survive sustained battery from artillery and carpet bombings?  The nail in Caesar's coffin comes in the form of four words: Navy Seal Team 6.

Keep in mind that I haven't seen the movie, nor do I plan to, and I've already put this many holes into the feasibility of its plot.  My reasoning for pointing these things out is that I am fed up with the lack of creativity that Hollywood has expressed over the past few years.  That along with the fact that the only films being remade are ones that really don't need to be remade. (There is one film that I do wish would be remade, but will not mention by name since I'm saving it for a future blog entry, because I feel like it could genuinely benefit from current special effects technology which was in its infancy when the film was made.) What was wrong with the original Planet of the Apes, I ask you, that remaking it a second time was a necessity?  You wouldn't eat a pizza that you'd already eaten (if you catch my drift) just because it tasted good the first time around, so why would you want to see a movie that's been done (and done well) before?

Studio executives want my money but in cases like this I refuse to give it to them - I cannot justify paying to watch a film that comes across as being this flawed.  Originality and ingenuity have taken a back seat to movies that are easily marketed and sold based on the public already being aware of a particular brand or franchise.  There are at least 4 more remakes being released this year - Conan the Barbarian, Fright Night, Footloose, and The Thing - with who knows how many more to be released in 2012.  Obviously just because something is novel in its approach doesn't automatically mean it's going to be good, but at least it's not a re-hashed product that's had a new coat of paint slapped on it in an effort to dupe audiences into thinking it's any different than what they've already experienced.