An Offer for Credit Card Companies

It's been said that "money is what makes the world go 'round".  In reality, what makes the world "go 'round" are the effects of gravity and inertia from the rotation of the sun which was applied to the planets of our solar system when they were created many, many eons ago.  Money, as it turns out, doesn't actually do much of anything seeing as how it's an inanimate object the value of which is a complete machination of mankind's foolishness.  There's two things that truly do go together, though - money and foolishness.

I have two credit cards, which I gather from watching television and reading various news reports is quite out of the ordinary when compared to the majority of the population.  If those sources are to be believed (and I trust them about as much as I'd trust a hungry lion to watch Rusty, my blind pet cow who also happens to have bad knees), it seems as if most folks in the good ol' U-S-of-A have anywhere from 4 to 7 of the things with an average total balance around $15,000.

And people wonder how the economy got to where it is right now...

Personally, I don't much believe in the concept of buying things you can't afford with money that isn't your own, hence my only having two credit cards.  One of my cards is an in-store account I used to purchase my beloved big screen television, which I paid off in less than a year and incurred no interest or finance charges as a result.  I haven't used that card since then and honestly don't plan on using it again any time soon.  The other card I applied for as a result of having to purchase a certain piece of jewelry in order to get a certain someone to agree to spend the rest of her life putting up with my shenanigans and roguishness (Hi, honey!).  I've used it for a few other emergency scenarios along the way, but even so my outstanding balance as of this writing is less than $2,000. (I also have no other debts to speak of - no car payment, no student loans, nothing.)

Why don't I buy more things with it?  Trust me, there's plenty I'd like to have, such as a Canon PowerShot SX20IS.  One of the many odd things about me is that I suffer from an ailment known as buyer's remorse, meaning that after I've purchased something (no matter how big or small) I have immediate regrets and can't help but think of what else that money might have been used to obtain.  Even if the item in question is something I genuinely want, such as a Canon PowerShot SX20IS, I'm still going to feel that same way.  As a result of this, I've gotten to a point where I can talk myself out of buying virtually anything, including a Canon PowerShot SX20IS.  I conduct an internal cost vs. reward scenario and better than 98% of the time I wind up walking out of a store empty handed because of it.

Case in point, I've been going back and forth for almost a month now about whether or not to buy a new iPod (instead of a Canon PowerShot SX20IS).  Another ailment I suffer through is techno-envy, and it's been bothering me pretty badly here recently as I've been noticing a whole bunch of my fellow gym-folk roaming about our local YMCA with some really neat devices.  Regardless of that, the result of this conflict has been me putting a whole bunch of effort into resurrecting an old iPod Nano I bought years ago and modifying a cheap carrying case I picked up at Wal-Mart so that it would fit around my arm (because these guns are too big to be holstered in your average case).  $200 for a new iPod or $10 for a case so I can carry around my old iPod - this is my plight.

Of all the psychological issues I could've developed, I don't think this one is so bad.  Sure, there's a touch of depression involved, but at least I don't have creditors breathing down my neck wanting to know why I haven't made my payment yet.  Ultimately, the combination of my being fairly conservative when it comes to financial matters in general and my buyer's remorse are what keeps my spending habits in check as it relates to credit.

I don't get any help from the credit card companies, though, seeing as how they persistently tempt me with offers for new cards.  They are so persistent, in fact, that a while back I began hanging onto every credit card offer I received in the mail.

Attempted product placement - Pepsi, I <3 YOU!!!

What you see there is roughly eight months worth of mailers.  If this was actual SPAM and not the metaphorical kind, I'd have enough canned meat to keep a family of four fed for at least a month (note that I said "fed" and not "well nourished" as I'm fairly certain your colon would fling itself out of your belly button if you put that much SPAM through it).  I would not be so vain as to assume that I'm alone in receiving this sort of volume of mail from these companies.  I think I'm safe to assume that anyone who's shown at least a willingness to accept one credit card has made themselves a target for their promotions.  Unfortunately, I have yet to be sent an opt out form.

Consider that stack of mail and all that was involved in generating it.  The combined costs of time and energy needed to produce them, the materials involved in their manufacture, and the postage needed to send them from point A (which I'm assuming is somewhere between Hell and Purgatory) to point B (my mailbox) - I'm sure the amount of money we're talking about is no small sum, yet these creditors have displayed a genuine zeal for distributing their propaganda without care for whether or not it is effective in gathering new victi...Er, customers.  For this reason, I'm extending an offer to these companies.

ATTENTION CREDIT CARD COMPANIES!  Seeing as how I have no intention of making unnecessary usage of your products beyond what I currently have incurred and given that I recognize the frivolous nature of your continued efforts to woo me into the cantankerous and pustule-covered void that is your poisoned bosom, I propose a compromise.  I will accept a one-time payment of the estimated, combined costs of what you would've otherwise spent on sending me credit card offers for the remainder of my life in exchange for you never sending me another piece of unwanted mail ever again.

Given that I am currently 30 years old and accepting that the average life span for a male living in South Carolina is 71.62 years, I have approximately 41 years of life remaining.  Taking into account the current postage rate and the fact that I have received exactly 60 mailed offers over an 8 month period, it is calculated that $26.40 has been spent on postage alone for an average of $3.30 per month.  41 years equates to 499.44 months, which when multiplied by the average per month postage expense equals $1,648.15.  I assume that your processes are largely automated, meaning that these mailers are more than likely never touched by a human hand until they are prepared for delivery.  This being the case, it is difficult to calculate the cost of production.  Be that as it may, I am willing to assume that the amount will be in the area of $8,351.85.  Totaling the expense of postage with the estimated maintenance costs, the amount of money I've determined to be a suitable reparation is $10,000.

Please transmit these funds at your nearest convenience - I eagerly await your compliance with this most agreeable compromise.