My Attempt at a Juice Cleanse/Fast

A few weeks ago I saw a promotional trailer for a documentary film called Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead which follows the story of an Australian man named Joe Cross who was - as the title would imply - fat, sick, and nearly dead. He was 100 pounds overweight and suffered from an autoimmune disease, but through a combination of juice fasting, exercise and diet planning he was able to heal his own body and is now living without the need for medication.

My health is nowhere near as poor as his, thank God. I'm overweight and I have hypertension but that's kind of like saying you have an iPhone and a drive a sedan in that most people seem to fall into that category these days (not to dismiss them as being acceptable, mind you, just to say that I'm not out of the ordinary). Still, I was intrigued by the notion of a juice fast and cleanse. The idea of your body functioning purely off the liquid residuals of pulverized fruits and vegetables was fascinating if not somewhat baffling (notice I used the word "was" and not "is" in that sentence). Part of it was because I wanted to do something to benefit myself, however I will admit that another aspect of it was a desire just to try it for the sake of seeing how my body would react.

In the film, Cross' fast lasts for 60 days. I knew I wasn't going to do anything near that - as I told my wife, at some point I'm going to want a cheeseburger and I'm only going to be able to deny myself for so long. As it turned out, my fast lasted for the better part of 2 days before I decided to throw in the towel.

When I initially had the idea of doing a juice fast, I bought a juicer from the Walmart in Orangeburg, South Carolina. I can't help but be honest in stating that positive experiences with this particular Walmart have been few and far between for my wife & I, and I should've had that in mind when I went there with the expressed purpose of buying a juicer. I hadn't done a whole lot of research into juicers but I knew I didn't want to invest an arm and a leg in one. They had a Black & Decker model on display that caught my eye - it was a low-end device based on its price point but I figured it would work well enough for me. I have always gotten good performance out of the Black & Decker tools I own so my confidence in it as being a quality purchase was somewhat high. I grabbed it with haste just in case anyone else might have been eyeballing it at the same time as me because it was the only one of that particular model left on the shelf.

As I put the juicer's box up onto the conveyor at the checkout counter, I noticed that it appeared as though the tape on the packaging had been tampered with. Suddenly I became worried that this unit might have been purchased previously and returned. "It'll be alright", I told myself. "Just wash it out when you get it home to be safe..." When I opened the box at home, this is what I found.

 

As I feared, the juicer had in fact been purchased and returned. I had not counted on it having been purchased, used, returned, and then set out on the shelf for purchase again without every being inspected. I would like to blame the original purchaser for having lied to the staff at customer service about not having used or opened the juicer, but at the same time I blame Walmart for having not taken the time to inspect a return prior to pushing it back out onto the sales floor. To that end, I will say that when I took the juicer back to Walmart I met no resistance in making the return however the employee who reclaimed the device from me marked it as being defective. It might have been defective, or it might have worked fine - the truth of the matter is that I don't know. All I do know is that this almost turned me off to the prospect of juicing as a whole. As you might expect, I was quite grossed out by having brought God only knows what kind of refuse into my home. Even so, I put the money I was returned towards the purchase of a Hamilton Beach juicer which wound up being about $30 more expensive than the Black & Decker.

I've learned that when it comes to juicers (or juice extractors, as they seem to be referred to more commonly) there are two types, centrifugal and cold press. Centrifugal juicers are less expensive; they work by forcing the unlucky specimen to be juiced through a metal blade which spins at an incredibly high rate. The spinning motion helps to separate juice from pulp as the two diverge into separate containers. These juicers aren't seen as being the best option, nutritionally speaking, as the blade builds up heat and heat can lead to a loss of nutrients. Cold press juicers, on the other hand, are more expensive as they grind up their victims then press the resulting bits in order to squeeze out their vital fluids. Apparently they yield more juice as the process is more efficient and they don't generate as much heat so they produce a higher quality juice.

In preparation for my fast I did a fair amount of research (read, I Google'd something) regarding juice recipes. Full disclosure here; I wasn't looking at nutritional values when I considered recipes, rather I was trying to put together a menu of sorts that included concoctions I thought would be pleasing to my palette. I figured if I was going to be putting myself through this I should at least be having drinks that are tasty. Trust me when I say it's tough to figure out what's going to taste better when A) I have no idea what vegetable juice tastes like outside of a good, old fashioned V8 and B) my experience with raw vegetables is somewhat limited. If it hasn't shown up on one of the local salad bars or a pizza, chances are it is a completely foreign substance to me.

At the same time, when looking at recipes I tried to keep in mind the fact that our local grocer isn't exactly known for carrying what I'll refer to as exotic selections of flora and fauna. It's a Piggly Wiggly for crying out loud (or at least it is right now; Bi-Lo bought a bunch of the Pigs in the area and they're supposed to be converting them to Bi-Lo's soon), what do you expect?

As it would turn out, I was able to find a majority of the ingredients I went after - cucumbers, carrots, lemons, limes, apples, etc. I wound up having to substitute romaine for spinach as the only spinach to be had was a carton of baby spinach. Likewise, I had to omit other ingredients like beet root and ginger because they weren't available.

I don't remember the complete contents of my purchase but the grand total was in the area of $35. That wasn't too bad of an expense in my mind. I figured since these materials were going to replace my meals for the next few days $35 was reasonable when compared to the average per meal cost. I didn't realize this when I was in the store but my wife pointed out when I got home that a lot of discounts were in play according to the Pig's mail ad we'd received that same day (an effort on their part to clear the shelves as much as possible before Bi-Lo's stock arrives), and fruits & vegetables were included in the sale. I take the time to point this out because in actuality what I bought for $35 might have normally been much more than that.

This is as good a transition as any into talking about the cost of this endeavor as juicing is criticized as being an expensive approach to wellness. At this point I'd invested roughly $100 into the project between the $60 I paid for the juicer and the $35 spent on fruits & vegetables. Lets assume that I bought enough food to sustain myself for 3 days in that purchase. By this arrangement, were I to continue the fast for a longer period of time - say the entire week - I'd have been looking at spending $70 or more, which equals out to roughly $10 a day. That's not bad, so long as you're dedicated to doing what you're doing and can bear the burden. However, I will say that my wife and I typically spend in the area of $60-$70 per week on groceries; that's for the two of us and it includes a lot more than just a bunch of stunt doubles from VeggieTales. What I'm getting at here is that in terms of bang for your buck, it would appear that juicing isn't the most economical option but that should be no real surprise. For a number of logical and illogical reasons, fresh foods are simply more expensive than their boxed and canned counterparts.

I planned on starting my fast on a Saturday as I wanted to be at home when I kicked things off for fear of how my body might react. For my last meal, as it were, my wife and I ate dinner the night before at a local Sonic Drive-In. Yep, high class big spenders me and her, that's what we are. I had a large order of tots with chilli, cheese, and jalapenos while she had a corn dog. We wound up ordering desert as well, mine in the form of a small caramel java chiller and hers a molten cake sundae. I figure it was about as poor of a meal as could be had considering I was about to embark on a journey to health & wellness. My stomach apparently agreed with me as I had to make a number of emergency trips to the restroom during the night (FYI, I'm not done talking about bowel movements yet so stay tuned for more of that).

The next morning I made my first juice, a recipe that had been named "power punch". It was amusing to me when looking at recipes that most of them were given monikers that were affirming and overwhelmingly positive in nature. Looking through them made me feel as if I were going to be drinking a motivational poster instead of a juice cocktail. In hindsight, the motivational poster probably would've tasted better than some of the juices I put together.

Power punch consists of 1/3 of a pineapple, 1 lime (the original recipe called for 2 limes; I only used 1 in fear of 2 making it too tart), 1/2 of a cucumber, 6 romaine leaves (which I substituted in place of spinach), and 2 apples. I'm not lying when I tell you this was actually quite good, especially when it was ice cold. The pineapple juice paired up well with the apple and lime, making for a very refreshing beverage. True to its name, I did feel a boost of energy after I drank it. This was a good debut and it made me look forward to trying other combinations.

Unfortunately, power punch wound up being the only juice recipe I tried that didn't taste like I was drinking the scum scraped off the interior walls of a poorly maintained swimming pool. Not that I know what pool scum tastes like, mind you, but it seemed like an appropriate analogy. I blame this lack of palette-ability on the inclusion of cucumber juice in most of the other recipes. Admittedly, I am not the world's biggest fan of cucumber as I will eat it in a salad but not in large quantities and not without the addition of a dressing (because a suitable amount of ranch dressing can make anything taste better, that's why). The cucumber juice was oddly overpowering, even when mixed in with a variety of flavors. I use the word oddly there because cucumber doesn't normally come off as being especially pungent, although it was in this scenario.

I knew that preparing ingredients would be time consuming but I didn't know how time consuming it would wind up being. I'm unaccustomed to breaking down foods as part of my normal routine of receiving sustenance, meaning it probably wasn't as bad as it seemed to me but all the washing, peeling, and cutting got old quickly. I tried to use the time spent in prep mode to focus, not really meditating but at least concentrating on what I was doing and keeping a good internal monologue going. I was talking to myself about how much I'd sooner have been eating Chinese food, in other words.

The preparation wasn't the only aspect of this process that became a chore. Cleaning up after each juicing session might have been more bothersome than the prep work, if for no other reason than I wound up having to scrub the blade/strainer apparatus thoroughly after every juicing lest bits from the previous batch stay lodged in the device and affect either that juice or the performance of the machine. It became a hassle, is what I'm getting at, and that sensation built over the course of the weekend. Not only with the process but with the fact that I wasn't allowing myself to eat.

There's the real beast you wind up fighting when enduring this or any other kind of fast - the feelings of hunger and, in my case, its associate, the caffeine headache. By about 2 PM that first day I'd begun to feel empty, and this was after having had several juices and lots of water (water will only make you feel full for so long but it was quite good at rinsing out from my pie hole the putrid flavors I'd forced upon myself). I usually drink a cup of coffee in the morning and have a soda with my lunch, which is why I assume the headache was caffeine related although it could've been associated with my sinuses as I have random issues with allergies. At no point did I regret what I was doing and it wasn't as if I'd put myself in any kind of danger, I just didn't like being hungry because in my mind I knew I didn't have to be.

All this was compounded by the fact that my wife was out & about for a majority of the day as she had a handful of events to attend, meaning I was home alone with no one to express myself to other than Roddy, our beloved miniature Dachshund. I can talk to him but I have a feeling he only listens because he can't reach the treat bags himself.

I mentioned earlier the fact that the meal I had prior to kicking off my fast had an unexpected cleansing effect, if you catch my drift. It was a surprise because that's the kind of reaction I normally get from eating at Subway, not Sonic. I can only assume that because of this the juices didn't do what I'd expected them to do in the way of de-cluttering my colon. (Perhaps the juices I made weren't rich enough in fiber to do the job.) Other than when I was dealing with the residuals of my Sonic tots, I didn't poop at all that weekend. Not a once.

I kept up with my juicing into Sunday but by Sunday evening I'd had enough. Wifey was out of the house again, this time off to the theater with her Mom to see a live production of Disney's Beauty and the Beast, and it was just about all I could do not to eat the entire contents of our kitchen (appliances and flatware included). I didn't like being hungry and I really didn't like the way my juices were tasting. At that point I gave in and made myself a ham & turkey sandwich with a side of Wheat Thins. Believe me when I tell you that food never tastes better than when you've gone without it for more than a day.

In wrapping this up I will say that my expectations for this experience were not met. I hoped to come away from it feeling revitalized and confident in the choice I'd made to try and improve my well being through wholesome consumption of pure nutrients. What I got was a piece of kitchen technology that I will more than likely rarely or never use again and a variety of leftover fruits & vegetables. I hope my depiction of what I went through would not dissuade others from juicing, though, as I will be the first to tell you that I lack the dedication to stick with something like this for a protracted length of time as being hungry is not fun. Those who do certainly are equipped with a greater constitution than I as it takes a lot of heart and mental toughness to stick with this or any other restrictive diet.

I'm not a nutritionist and I can't say that your results will be as fantastic as those of Joe Cross, but if you're in poor health or you're eating yourself to death this might not be a bad option. It is do-able, you just have to want to do it more so than anything else for it to be successful.

We Got MagicBands!

My wife & I made our first trip to Walt Disney World as a couple about a year ago and it was an incredible experience for the both of us! Jill hadn't been since she was a small child, which made it particularly special for her as she adores the Disney princesses (as most little girls, even those in grown-up bodies, usually do). For me, it had only been a few years since I last visited the House that Mickey built seeing as how I was there back in 2008. At that point in time, I had the distinct opportunity to attend a software conference held on the grounds at Disney's Coronado Springs resort; Jill would've gone with me then, too, but she was dragging her feet in becoming a part of my life (that conference happened in June, we wouldn't meet for the first time until September).

Truth be told, Disney is kind of old hat for me. There's no way I can tell you what I'm about to without it coming off like I'm bragging or that I was a spoiled kid so I'll just be out with it: My family & I went to Disney quite often when I was but a young lad - as in almost every year. It was something of an annual event for us and I have tremendously fond memories of those trips. While I can honestly say we never had a bad trip to Disney, I will say that there were times where it got repetitive. Those parks don't change that frequently, truth be told, and having the same experience over and over again became redundant. However, change has been in the air for the Disney parks for what seems like the better part of the last few years with the creation of New Fantasyland and a slew of other updates, refurbishments and the like. It's a great time to fall in love with Walt Disney World again, in other words.

The parks have gotten a fresh coat of paint, as it were, but that's not the only big alteration that's being made. Perhaps more significant are the changes that are happening with Disney's resorts and how resort guests are granted access to the various properties. Disney is taking a big leap forward in using devices equipped with RFID (radio-frequency identification) chips to replace aging technologies like key cards that rely on bar codes or magnetic strips to store guest data. The most shining example of this are MagicBands - a brand new accessory that's all the rage in Orlando these days.

Therein lies the uniqueness of these things right now. You see, at this point Disney hasn't rolled out MagicBands as being fully implemented seeing as how they're testing their functionality to gauge what is and what isn't working all that well. What that means is that only certain Walt Disney World Resort guests are being invited to participate in testing MagicBands and the various systems associated with them (more on that later). It's a fairly exclusive club to be in, needless to say, and Disney fanatics have had a field day in jockeying for an opportunity to get their hands on them. No one seems to know for sure when full deployment will occur but it would seem to be fast approaching seeing as how it was recently announced that all resort guests staying on the property after October 23 will begin receiving MagicBands. They're still considered to be in test phase, though the breadth of this new round of testing would seem to indicate that it's only a matter of time before MagicBands become standard equipment for resort guests.

The October 23 date hadn't been publicized when we received this in the mail about a week ago - kind of takes the novelty off of it in hindsight, to be completely honest, but we're not about to turn down the opportunity to be involved.

We've been following the development of MagicBands since they were announced. We were both really hoping we'd get to participate when we booked our vacation back during the summer but we weren't sure that we'd get an invitation seeing as how not every resort was taking part in the initial round of testing. To make the sense of anticipation worse, some friends of ours made us quite jealous as they took a family vacation to Disney within the past month or so and they were in on the testing. That said, I'm not lying when I tell you that my wife and I literally turned into two small children when we opened the letter - yes, I'm a grown man and I got schoolgirl-giddy over the fact that Mickey & Co. wanted us to help them out!

Obviously we went online to customize our MagicBands the same day that we received the letter. You're able to pick what color band you would like and also have it branded with your name - I picked a grey band whereas my wife picked a red one. I will register one complaint with Disney at this point. The letter stated that we had until October 31 to customize our MagicBands, however when we went online we were presented with a quandary because the site stated we only had 1 day remaining to make our selections. We got everything handled in time, thankfully, but I'm glad we got the letter the day that we did else we might have missed out on getting to customize our bands.

We completed our customization request on Friday, October 11. They were delivered by 9:30 AM on October 15 - that means in less than 3 days, our MagicBands were customized, packaged, and shipped to our home. As someone who's a fan of logistics, that kind of turn around on something like this is really impressive.

I've never done an "un-boxing" before but I figure this is something that's so new it stands well to be documented. The box itself was very nondescript; it had no logos or markings that would've tipped someone off to its contents other than the from information block on the shipping label.

The box had no adhesive, rather just one convenient peal strip was all that kept it together.

Tearing back the strip revealed a piece of art in terms of geometry and packaging design. Did you know people actually go to college specifically to learn engineering geared towards developing boxes?

It's almost like some kind of magical box that springs open only when the heart of a true believer is near...

What I found most interesting about the MagicBand box is the fact that out of all the characters that could've been featured on it, Disney chose Elasti-Girl from The Incredibles which is one of my favorite movies, ever (personally, I think it's a better example of what a Fantastic Four movie should be - i.e., a family that just happens to be made up of superheroes - than what any of the actual Fantastic Four films have been able to capture).

Then it was time for the moment of truth - I'm always skittish about things that are to be customized and whether or not they'll be made correctly.

As one of my old co-workers would have said, "Oh, happy day, happy day!"

In describing them, MagicBands look like rubber watch bands without an actual watch face. Instead of the watch face you have a logo that's become synonymous with the MagicBand, that being a new take on the classic Mickey emblem. Underneath this logo is where the RFID chip is contained. The band uses a pair of pegs that fit into a number of corresponding holes in order to secure it to the wearers wrist.

 

There is already a line of MagicBand accessories out that allow for users to customize their bands even further by adding covers (called CoverBands - no "Freebird", unfortunately), Bandits (studs featuring character faces and other logos that can be inserted into the empty holes on the bands), and MagicSliders (a slip-over piece that makes the band look more like a watch but doesn't include a timepiece). These items are only for sale at Disney resorts, which plays into the fact that this is, after all, a technology that's still in test.

I will bring up the fact that MagicBands fall into the category of "one size fits all". This was mildly terrifying to me because I have never fallen into the category of person for which "one size fits all" was applicable. "All" being a relative term, as it were, I had misgivings about whether or not the band would fit my wrist as I have had issues in the past in finding watches that fit. Thankfully, Disney had me covered as my MagicBand fit perfectly, and I didn't even have to resort to using the last or next-to-last holes in the band.

Regarding the sizing of the bands, there is an accommodation in place for small children who might find that the band has too much slack for their wrists. The darker grey section of the band can be removed in order to make for a tighter fit. A word of warning, though - that section of the band CANNOT be put back on once it is removed, meaning it would be best to follow the old saying of "measure twice, cut once" before pulling it off. This isn't something that I determined by trial and error, rather it's plainly spelled out on the interior of the box's lid.

You may be saying to yourself, "This is cool and all but what do these things actually do?" MagicBands are part of what Disney is calling MyMagic+ which is a multi-tiered system that allows resort guests the opportunity to take greater control of their Walt Disney World experience. MyMagic+ includes MagicBands, FastPass+, and the brand new My Disney Experience app for Android and iOS smartphones (apparently there is no version available for Windows phone). You MagicBand is essentially the way you're identified while on the Disney properties (to make a TRON analogy, it could be said that the MagicBand is your identity disk); it can be used to open the door to your room at the resort, it functions as your ticket to the parks, and it allows the wearer to make purchases. FastPass+ is a reincarnation of the original FastPass, a reservation system that allowed for park guests to be assigned a time when they could return to a ride or attraction and get quicker service than they would by joining the standby line. The My Disney Experience brings all of these assets together under one convenient app as users can view park information, get ride wait times, change their FastPass+ reservations, and more all from their smartphone.

There have been some concerns levied about MagicBands and how they could be used to collect data on the wearer. I hate to break it to people who are complaining about this, but that's not exactly anything new. You know all those discount club cards you have in your wallet or clinking around on your key chain? What do you think retailers are doing every time you swipe that card when you make a purchase? They're collecting data too, so don't try to demonize Disney as being some kind of unique entity in the modern marketplace.

My wife & I were already looking forward to our vacation but needless to say we're now REALLY looking forward to it! I hope the MagicBands add to the experience. I know there will be some learning involved and some getting used to, but that's all part of the fun for me.

The Imminent Demise of TNA Wrestling

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote this entry a month or so ago and have been sitting on it as I wasn't sure if it was going to be worth publishing. TNA is a boat that is still teetering, and so it appears this was a worthwhile effort after all. However, things have changed a bit since I last edited the piece, namely the fact that Hulk Hogan appears to have left TNA for at least the time being as his contract was not renewed. I'm not sure how much they were paying him, but that's a sizable burden lifted off the company's back as his presence never equated to improved ratings numbers. Aside from Hogan, the list of stars who have either left TNA or not had their deals renewed includes names such as Matt Morgan, Crimson, Kid Kash, Joey Ryan, Mickie James, Lisa Marie Varon (Victoria/Tara), Ken Anderson (Mr. Kennedy), D'Lo Brown, Devon Dudley, Bruce Prichard, and Luke Gallows (Festus/DOC). Also of note is the fact that every "winner" from the TNA GutCheck Challenge (which was a contest TNA sponsored in an effort to find new talent from the independent pro wrestling scene) has been released other than 2, those being Lei'D Tapa and Wes Brisco.]

I haven't written anything on my blog about professional wrestling in quite some time. Not since May of this year, as a matter of fact, when I put together a review of Chikara Pro Wrestling's "The Ghost of You Clings" event which was held in Porterdale, Georgia (be sure to check it out for yourself, if you haven't already, via this link - The Truesdales Went Down to Georgia). I still watch wrestling several days a week, so don't start thinking that I've given up on paying attention to the goings on of events inside (and outside) the squared circle. I've hung around through what have been some fairly dark days for the wrestling business as it relates to the in-ring product and I'm not about to abandon ship now, seeing as how things are mostly on the up-tick - for World Wrestling Entertainment, at least. Not so much for their competitor, Total Non-stop Action Wrestling.

If you read the title of this blog entry, you already have an idea of where I'm going with this topic. I want to say first and foremost that I do not have a desire for TNA Wrestling to close up shop. I'm not one of these fans who thinks TNA needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth because of decisions made by the higher-ups in the company. Far from it, honestly, as I would love to find myself again in a situation like I did when I was in high school where I had to pick and choose which show I was going to watch on which night (RAW or Nitro? Smackdown or Thunder?). What's more, were TNA to fold that would mean there's one less spot for men and women to work and earn a living doing something they love; that's bad news (potentially of the dream crushing kind), no matter how you look at it.

This is not an attempt to throw dirt on the still-warm body of a company that is, as of this writing, the closest competition WWE has in both the national and global professional wrestling market. The problem is that they're number two (there are a lot of number threes - Ring of Honor and Pro Wrestling Guerrilla are the most well-known among them but quite a few regional independent companies have made strides in growing their audiences lately) and they're losing ground to number one (that being WWE). I mean that metaphorically as well as literally.

Over the course of the past couple years, WWE began a process of revamping their talent development system, which typically gets referred to simply as "developmental". There was a point in time where WWE maintained relationships with several smaller entities such as Ohio Valley Wrestling, Deep South Wrestling, and Florida Championship Wrestling. They eventually severed ties with OVW (which, ironically enough, is now used by TNA as their version of a developmental system) and DSW, then converted FCW into what has become the definitive incarnation of their NXT brand (which itself went through several iterations before settling into its current state).

From a tactical perspective, this all made sense. FCW was based in Tampa, Florida which is also where quite a few members of the WWE roster call home. (PRO-TIP: If you make a lot of money, it's a good idea to live where there's no state income tax.) The facility FCW occupied wasn't enough for WWE, though, as they wanted to hone their talent using training techniques typically reserved for professional athletes as well as state of the art production equipment for producing TV and web content. Enter Full Sail University, a "technical college" for lack of a better phrase based in Orlando specializing in educating students with a desire to work in the fields of entertainment and media.

WWE began taping NXT at Full Sail in the summer of 2012, and the product was an immediate success with wrestling fans even though it wasn't readily available in the United States (and still isn't; NXT is broadcast internationally but US fans can only see it by way of the Hulu Plus streaming service). Why was it so successful? In my eyes, it was for two reasons.

1) A renewed focus on in-ring action as opposed to excessive talking, promos, and backstage segments
2) An opportunity for fans like myself to finally see top independent stars compete under the bright lights of WWE

Obviously there's no good to putting all this effort into developing talent if there's no talent to work with. This is why WWE made the brilliant move to begin signing some of the best talent available on the independent circuit. Guys like Chris Hero, El Generico, Pac, and a host of others. They may not be on television anytime soon but their being signed means they also won't be on a competitor's programming thanks to developmental deals with WWE making them exclusive to the company.

I am a confessed huge fan of NXT. I dig the show and its format, so much so that there have been times where I've woken up early on the day a new episode gets released just to watch it before I have to get ready to go to work. It's very reminiscent of the kind of wrestling TV shows I watched as a kid, and the talent featured there is fantastic.

The icing on the cake of WWE's Florida initiative was the assembly of the WWE Performance Center (also in Orlando), a pro wrestling mega-gym that's about as robust as could be in terms of serving as an all-around training facility for up and coming WWE Superstars. The Performance Center features exercise and recovery suites, 7 training rings, production areas, and more.

With the opening of the Performance Center, WWE's position in central Florida became cemented. This is relevant to the discussion here because there was a point in time in the history of professional wrestling where large companies existed all over the nation in a territorial system. Borders were established and promoters mostly kept to within their own confines. This system was destroyed, most would agree, when Vince McMahon, Jr. began taking the best talent from each territory and bringing them into his World Wrestling Federation. It's fitting, then, that McMahon would continue his reign by claiming central Florida for his own.

Why Orlando? Because that's where TNA lives - well, lived, I should say, seeing as how they've effectively been run out of town by the Goliath that is WWE.

TNA Wrestling started out more than 10 years ago as a subsidiary of the National Wrestling Alliance, and at that time was called NWA-TNA. The company started off by running weekly pay-per-view events from Nashville, Tennessee which is still considered to be their base of operations. In 2004, they made a bold leap towards advancing themselves as they moved into a sound stage on the property of Universal Studios Orlando which they referred to as the Impact Zone. It was a great opportunity because it meant they would have access to a self-contained production facility. Even better, because of the fact that the stage was connected to one of the most popular theme parks in the world it meant TNA would have easy access to an audience. Not necessarily always a pro wrestling audience or one that was paying for tickets (I believe the only events held in the Impact Zone for which tickets were sold were pay-per-views), but tourists who couldn't resist the allure of participating in an actual TV taping. No one complained because butts in seats look better than empty seats on TV, obviously.

Around March of this year, TNA announced that they were going to be leaving Universal, choosing instead to take their TV tapings on the road. That's not a bad idea, so long as the company can afford to endure the costs of travel related to mobile production - money, in other words, and that's where TNA either is or isn't in trouble these days depending on what you read.

[SIDE NOTE: According to BestOfOrlando.com, there are rumors that a restaurant currently in operation inside the Universal CityWalk (which is a shopping and dining district situated between the Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure theme parks) will be closing soon; this space would then be renovated in order to become a combination of a pro wrestling-themed restaurant and a physical location for the WWE Hall of Fame.]

When the announcement was made that TNA would be leaving the Impact Zone, the stated reasoning for the move was that it was a cost-cutting measure. In addition, they reduced the number of live pay-per-view events for 2013 from 12 down to 5 and there have been quite a few terminations of personnel, both on-air talent and people working behind the scenes. No big deal, right? Plenty of companies have had to tighten the old belt here lately as the economy in this country still isn't out of the tank yet.

It was revealed within the past two months that TNA has recently been several weeks to a month late in paying some of their talent. That's bad, and from a historical perspective it's been an indicator of the beginning of the end for wrestling promotions as this happened in both ECW and WCW. We all know how things turned out for those two companies.

You need look no further than the audiences that attend TNA's live events for validation of my statements. I challenge you to watch an episode of Impact and count the number of people you see in the crowd wearing WWE-branded apparel or how many kids are sporting a replica WWE championship belt. Now look at how many people in the crowd are wearing TNA apparel. It's a lopsided ratio if ever there was one.

This would come off as an iffy move from the standpoint of a company forcing its fans into a mold (which isn't anything new in terms of wrestling; for years WWE has policed signs fans bring into their TV tapings - I know because I've had several signs confiscated), but if I were in charge of TNA's live events I would push for a policy which states no one comes into our show wearing another company's gear. (A great way to respond to negative comments about this would be to offer that patron a free shirt featuring the logo or likeness of their favorite TNA wrestler - free stuff tends to silence complainers and when you're already purging millions of dollars a year on talent dropping a $5 shirt every so often isn't going to hurt.) I'm sorry but you don't give the competition any sort of a freebie, not even so much as a logo on a t-shirt.

Like I said earlier, TNA is considered to be the #2 company in the world but they're not gaining ground on the competition. You can blame that on any number of things, from their overall strategy to hiring aging stars (Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Sting, Scott Steiner - I could go on but you get the idea) as opposed to focusing on the continued development of young talent, to trying too hard to make their product something that's too similar to WWE. The bottom line is that unless they right the ship soon, the whole thing is going to go under and it will go down in history as being one of the most tragic demises in the whole of professional wrestling.

Notice I'm not being so bold as to suggest ways of fixing this debacle. I think it can be done but I'm just a fan with a blog, remember - what do I know?

The Medieval Times Experience - Myrtle Beach, SC Edition

I don't remember the exact date of the first show I went to at Medieval Times in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina but I do know that it was with my family during one of our vacations to the coast. I want to say it was in the late 1990s when I was still in my teens and not long after this particular Medieval Times location had been launched. Ours is one of the newer castles, having opened its doors - er, drawbridge (Yeah, that's it!) in 1996.

I was a fan instantly after that first exposure as the whole of the experience was amazing to me; it appealed to multiple aspects of my personality seeing as how I've always been interested in medieval warfare and I don't know any little boy (even those of us who happen to be masquerading as grown men) who doesn't get a kick out of action sequences like those from movies involving things like horses, swordplay and fisticuffs. I guess it tickles that same part of my childish brain that draws me to something like professional wrestling.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I've become one of their best customers, however I will tell you that I've been to at least 6 performances at this particular location over the course of roughly the past 5 years which represents the length of time that my wife & I have been together (we dated for about 2 years and have been married a little more than 3). Yes, my wife comes with me to Medieval Times - yes, she enjoys the experience just as much as I do or at least I think she does. She may only be in it for the tomato bisque; I'm fine with that, so long as it means I don't have to be the creepy guy who comes to Medieval Times by himself.

In case you weren't aware, Medieval Times is an action-packed dinner show the setting of which is that of medieval Spain involving knights of the realm who compete in a jousting tournament but also highlights such things as horsemanship and falconry. Why Spain and not England or somewhere else in Europe? Because the Medieval Times brand actually began in Majorca, Spain back in 1973. The brand would migrate to the United States a decade later when the first North American castle debuted - that being the Kissimmee, Florida location - in 1983. 8 more locations have opened since then, each of which run multiple performances per week year round. It's a huge operation that employs a multitude of individuals and South Carolina is fortunate to have a castle to call its own.

The Medieval Times experience begins the moment you walk through the doors. In our case, we typically will go to the castle to procure our tickets although you can just as easily purchase them online or by phone in advance. I kind of like that opportunity to see the interior of the space when it's not packed from wall to wall with patrons. You get a much better sense of just how large the facility actually is.

A Google Maps view of the building - smart idea to make the roof a billboard as Myrtle Beach's airport is nearby.

A ground-level view of the Myrtle Beach castle's entrance - sadly, there is no moat.

I will say this upfront about Medieval Times; the tickets are not cheap. A non-discounted adult ticket will set you back $50.95. (That's for the 2013 season at the Myrtle Beach castle, the admission fee varies from one location to another.) I say "non-discounted" because there are ways of getting a lower cost ticket as you can find coupons available locally or you can sometimes get discount codes online via the Medieval Times website as well as others. (There are pagodas in most of the nearby shopping malls that offer discounted tickets but you have to hear the sales pitch for whatever product they're hawking in order to get the deal.) I think the coupons may get you as much as $10-$15 off, which isn't bad by any means. What's more, if you take the time to sign up for the King's Court (their email distribution service) you'll get a free ticket for your birthday that can be used throughout your birth month. This is what my wife & I did for our most recent visit to the Myrtle Beach location as my wife's birthday happens to be during the month of September. Her freebie combined with the fact that all regular tickets had been discounted to $35 in celebration of Medieval Times' 30th year of operation meant the two of us got dinner and the show for around $40. Take it from me, that's a sweet deal!

Notice that I used the phrase "regular tickets" towards the end of that last paragraph. The base ticket price will get you in the door with a spot in one of the standard seating areas with a full 3 course meal (more on the vittles later). There are upgrades available in the form of what are referred to as Royalty packages. You can choose from either the Royalty package or the King's Royalty package. (I'm not going to take the time to detail what they include, rather if you want more information on them visit this page.) We opted for the King's Royalty package earlier this year more so than anything because we'd never done it before. It was nice and the included group photo was quite good but when you consider the fact that it's an extra $20 per person, it's not something that I would necessarily encourage you to do. If you want to make it a memorable evening, maybe, but even so I think most people would have a hard time justifying the extra expense considering what you get in return.

Once you have your tickets in hand and you prepare to enter the castle you are recognized as a lord or lady of the realm, meaning the admissions staff will assign you to a seating section denoted by the color of armor your unique knight happens to wear. There are 6 knights; Green, Red, Red & Yellow, Black & White, Blue, and Yellow. I believe they have names (I was right!) and they're meant to represent geographical regions of Spain from the era. More importantly is the fact that this is the stage in the procession where you receive your crown, which of course must be worn at all times lest ye be mistaken for a commoner whilst on the grounds.

PRO TIP: The castle will open roughly an hour and fifteen minutes prior to showtime. The time that you arrive and are processed through admissions is the determining factor as to what knight for who you'll be cheering. Guests are seated in such a way as to make the sections comparable in terms of their population so that they don't wind up having 20 people cheering for the Blue knight and 160 cheering for the Black & White knight. Sometimes the admissions staff will be able to accommodate a seating request but not always. In other words, don't arrive at 5:40 PM for a 6 PM show thinking you will be able to sit wherever you want.

From there you'll be ushered into a photography area where you'll be posed with either the King or his daughter, the Princess. The photos are not included in standard admission; if you would like to keep your photo you'll have to pay for it when a member of the staff brings them around during the tournament, unless that is you opted for one of the Royalty upgrades that involve your photo. The quality of these pictures is usually fairly high although the skills of the photographer you get will vary. I'm not certain but I want to say they will set you back in the area of $15.

From there you're able to make your way into the Great Hall, which is more or less an assembly area where all the lords & ladies of the realm (that's you, remember - staff at Medieval Times will always address a patron as either "My Lord" or "My Lady") gather prior to the tournament. You'll notice a pattern has started to emerge here as every stage I've described thus far has presented a variety of situations where guests can be separated from their money with haste. The Great Hall is perhaps the most prolific example of this as it contains a number of bars and souvenir stands.

A panoramic view of the Great Hall; from left to right, the torture chamber, main entrance, gift shop, and bar.

The second floor of the Great Hall; from left to right, the dance floor, Red/Black & White/Yellow entrance, bar, Green/Red & Yellow/Blue entrance, gift shop and restrooms

The bars are full service, offering both alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. You can get your beverage served in a number of various collectable mugs, goblets, etc., all of which are available at an additional charge. Truth be told, to my knowledge there are no cups for which you will not be charged. The most low-end cup you can get is a plastic cup that has a series of animated holograms on it. Obviously you don't have to buy a drink but to give you some idea of how much markup we're talking about when it comes to the price of beverages due to their being served as described, on our most recent visit I paid $17 for a Sam Adams' Oktoberfest draft and a virgin strawberry daiquiri.

The souvenir stands are loaded with overpriced baubles, generally speaking - everything from children's toys to replica swords and shields. I've never seen anyone buy a sword so for all I know the blades there now are the same ones that were there when the castle first opened.

Also in the Great Hall is the Torture Chamber, a display of - you guessed it - medieval torture devices that can be viewed for - you guessed it - an additional fee. (I do not think Torture Chamber admission comes with any of the seating packages, even the King's Royalty. It's been a while since we went through the Torture Chamber, but I want to say admission to it was around $2.) All I will say about it is that it's a brief exhibit featuring items that range from the perverse to being downright ghastly in nature. I find it amazing the sort of things we humans have managed to come up with over the ages in the name of harming one another.

In wrapping up my comments about the Great Hall, I'll mention that guests celebrating a special event may choose to participate in a knighting ceremony where the King will declare the individual an official knight of the realm. ("Special event" meaning virtually anything under the sun - I've seen people get knighted for anything from graduating college to their first visit to Medieval Times. One cool thing we saw on our most recent visit during the knighting ceremony was a guy proposing to his girlfriend while she was being knighted.) This, too, comes at an additional charge of around $20 but I believe you get a commemorative photo as well as a printed scroll.

I've talked about expenses a lot up until this point. For the sake of looking at this from a logistical perspective, here's an example of what you might be spending for an evening at Medieval Times; these figures are all based on two adults with regular admission.

- Admission: $50.95 x 2 = $101.90 (not counting tax)
- Commemorative Photo w/King or Princess: $15
- Beverages: $20 ($3 tip included)
- Knighting Ceremony: $20
- Torture Chamber Admission: $2 x 2 = $4
- GRAND TOTAL: $160.90

It's entirely possible to spend upwards of $200 for an evening at Medieval Times, and that's for only two people. For what it's worth, that $200 would make for a very memorable experience, especially if you were taking a child, but it's not necessary to spend that much. My wife & I typically go for the most bare-bones combination possible and we have never had a bad experience.

Finally, after much fanfare and celebration in the Great Hall, you'll be called to your section inside the arena. There's a procession to it as one section at a time will be allowed in so as to not cause a stampede. I may be wrong but I believe the order of entry at the Myrtle Beach castle is usually this: Green, Red, Red & Yellow, Black & White, Blue, Yellow.

A panoramic view of the arena - to the right you can see one of the servers giving instruction on who to boo

The arena is massive - I have no idea how many guests the place could hold at maximum capacity but I would hazard a guess and say there's seating for at least 1,000 souls therein. (As you enter the arena, pay attention to areas that appear to be draped off; these are auxiliary seating sections that are kept covered when not in use.) It could rival certain small-to-medium athletic facilities meant for sporting events, and along those lines I would estimate that the actual floor of the arena where the action takes place is roughly the same size as a hockey rink or basketball court. Once you're seated, all you need to do is settle in and get comfortable because the main event of the evening is about to unfold before you - it's a double-header as you've got a feast as well as a tournament to enjoy!

Your server will introduce you to the particulars of the meal by making you aware of several factors, most notably that you'll be dining without the aid of silverware. Don't worry, you don't need it - and yes, plenty of wet and dry napkins will be available for when you're done. The only metal objects you'll come in contact with are the plates and bowls upon which your food will be served. When it comes to your beverage, you have a choice of Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, tea, or water and there will be two rounds of whatever you choose (your initial fill-up plus one refill, in other words). Alcoholic beverages are not included in the meal and your server will not bring you one, however you do have the option of either going back out to the bars in the Great Hall or waiting until a barmaid (yes, you read that right) comes by offering to fetch you something.

In regard to the service you receive during the meal, the folks attending to you are waiters and waitresses who happen to be serving potentially upwards of 50 people at a time. While they are more than able to attend to your specific needs, do realize that they've got a lot of mouths to serve. At the same time, also realize that they are working very hard in dim lighting to make you as happy as possible - tipping is always appreciated.

The meal itself consists of three courses - an appetizer, the main course, and desert. The appetizer comes in the form of a piping hot bowl of tomato bisque served with a piece of buttery garlic toast (I believe the style of bread varies from one location to another; in our castle it's more or less a piece of Texas toast with garlic & herbs). Remember how in the previous paragraph I mentioned that the plates and bowls are metal? Keep that in mind when you reach for the blistering handle of your soup bowl and prepare to press your tender lips against its scalding hot rim. I'm not kidding here as you could easily burn yourself. (PRO TIP: To avoid burning your fingers, wrap your napkin around the handle of your soup bowl.) Your main course is a combination of three items, those being a spare rib, half of a roasted chicken, and half of an herb-crusted baked potato. The chicken is the real star of the show for me but the ribs are fantastic as well. Last but not least, for desert you'll receive an apple turnover as well as a cup of coffee if you would like one.

Your place setting at Medieval Times; the metal plates are great but DO NOT bang them against one another.

Finally, it's time to get down as only 6 medieval knights know how! The tournament festivities begin with introductions for the King and his court as well as each knight. Handling the introductions in Myrtle Beach is none other than Sir David of Macedonia, a performer who has been at this particular location for almost as long as I've been coming to Medieval Times if not longer (Sir David is something of an emcee of the entire nights proceedings as he also welcomes guests and does announcements in the Great Hall). Next you're treated to a series of examples of horsemanship featuring some incredible work by handler and horse alike. It really can't be overstated as to how amazing these animals are when seen in an environment like this. In between these segments of the program you'll also witness a display of falconry, which is an ancient technique where hunters would employ trained birds of prey.

Prior to the knights engaging in the joust, they'll go through a series of challenging skill-based games several of which involve using a lance to skewer a small ring suspended from a scaffold. That's a task that comes off to me as trying to thread a needle while hanging out the window of a car. Similarly, the knights take aim while on horseback with a javelin as they ride full speed towards a small target hung above their entry point to the arena. In addition, the knights will participate in a relay race as well as a challenge whereby they have to ride side-by-side with one of their rivals, keeping pace while tossing a small flagpole between one another. It goes without saying that the knights are tremendous athletes who truly are in command of their physical conditioning and horsemanship. When a knight is successful in one of these challenges, he receives several flowers from the Princess which he'll then distribute to certain of the ladies in his gallery.

The joust and the combat that follows is the main attraction of the tournament, needless to say. It's very exciting to see the knights set lance to shield, as Sir David would say, but the real kicker for me is the swordplay as the knights use a variety of medieval weaponry against one another, all in the name of winning the tournament. This is where I can draw a lot of comparisons between this show and professional wrestling as the outcome of the tournament is, of course, predetermined. What, you thought these guys are just going out there and winging it? No, there's a script in play and a plot does unfold during the course of the tournament. I won't go into detail regarding what the story involves so as to not give it away. All I will say is that I've seen several iterations of the Medieval Times show and the most recent revision that's out now is the best one yet (I can remember when the program involved a wizard and the Green knight was always a villain - not so anymore, thankfully).

A panoramic view of the arena with the knights and their servants during the introductions.

As it stands, you've got 1-in-6 odds of cheering for the knight who wins the tournament and is recognized as the champion of the realm. I honestly don't know that we've ever cheered for the knight who won, although I could be wrong. At this point we're just trying to make sure that we've been seated once in at least every section, and we're 5/6's of the way to that goal as the only section we've never sat in is that of the Yellow knight.

All things totaled, the Medieval Times experience is incredibly unique and it's something that I feel anyone who visits Myrtle Beach should do at least once. Yes, it's a gimmicky dinner show and it's expensive, but so is everything else in Myrtle Beach. Besides, if you're in Myrtle Beach you're more than likely on vacation - if you can't cut loose and do something fun while you're on vacation, you probably need expensive pharmacology and perhaps a psychiatrist. Or maybe just more rum - either way, take it from me when I say that Medieval Times is a great night out that you and your family can enjoy together.

Adventures in Jewelry Repair, Oddly Worded Advertisements, and Flaming Lean Pockets!

When I sat down to start writing this entry, I looked back over my posts from the past because I thought I had begun using a specific title for submissions like this one which are a big bag of randomness with no real cohesive core topic other than that they're all my personal life experiences or observations made during said experiences. Low and behold, I apparently never came up with a recurring title for this sort of thing. I need to work on that - I have my Movie Review Round-Up series (which is more than likely MIA for the time being seeing as how the Summer movie season is over), and I know I'm going to have future publications that fall into this category of being completely disjointed in nature, so it only makes sense to try and develop a moniker to label them as such. They would seem to play into the title of this here blog, Redbeard's Rambling. Rambling for the Sake of Rambling? Random Rambles/Rambling? I like both of those but I'm going to see what else I can come up with; if you, my dear reader, have any suggestions feel free to contact me with them. But for now, on with the show!

Adventures in Jewelry Repair

When I purchased my wife's engagement ring and wedding band from Reeds Jewelers, I popped for an optional extended warranty plan along with it. I figured if I was already paying close to $2,000 for a piece of jewelry I might as well take a few extra steps to take special care of the thing seeing as how it's a big investment in my eyes, albeit one that is physically very small. The warranty covers more or less everything under the sun when it comes to repairs, however it does nothing for us regarding replacement were it to be lost or stolen. The way it was described to me, the warranty is so thorough that if the rings were shattered into pieces so long as we could return the stones and metal they would be able to make the ring whole. (Trust me, I'm in no rush to test that claim.) Other items also included on the coverage were resizing, rhodium plating, cleaning, and the like. General maintenance, in other words, all things geared towards keeping that rock on my wife's finger shining like it were brand new.

And it's a good thing that I did choose to purchase this warranty because my wife managed to dislodge one of the stones from the setting of her engagement ring not long after I'd given it to her. How, I have no idea - I just remember the day it happened as being full of tears (for her) and thoughts along the lines of (earmuffs, kids) "Well, what the f#&^ am I supposed to do now?" from me. Fortunately, by the grace of the good Lord above, she found the stone and we were able to get it repaired. What's more, the jeweler at Reeds who did the repairs went so far as to modify the ring so that the stones were, as he put it, "sitting in a basket".

My wife's ring, prior to getting its "basket" modification

"Basket" sounds better in this context as opposed to cage or box, I guess, right?

The one oddity to the warranty is that it requires us to bring the rings into a Reeds location once every six months so that it can be inspected for any potential issues. They even gave us a little pamphlet to keep up with as the clerk performing the inspection notates their having seen the ring in it. My wife and I have been married for more than 3 years now and we've been faithful to that requirement as every six months I find myself having to wander into a store that is essentially a mine field. "We're just here to get the rings checked", I say to myself while we're there. "Keep her on track and don't let her wander around, lest you find yourself dropping another couple grand on overpriced baubles..." Don't get me wrong - it's not that I don't want my wife to have nice things, I just know that there are a lot more useful things in this world than jewelry that could be purchased with that same money (this logical approach to spending brought to you by my overwhelming sense of buyer's remorse).

Low and behold, we were due to bring the ring in this month so the wife and I made our way to the nearest Reeds Jewelers, that being the one within Columbiana Centre near the Harbison Boulevard area of Columbia, South Carolina. (Side note: A fascist was clearly involved in the organization of this mall, else "center" would've been spelled correctly.) It's an okay mall as malls go (very glamorous, lots of white and tile surfaces and plenty of shops smelling of wretched colognes with EDM blaring over their sound systems) but I haven't had much use for shopping malls since video arcades went the way of the Dodo bird. Nevertheless, the mall serves a purpose, and for us on this evening it was to facilitate the continued brilliance of one piece of jewelry.

We entered the store (which is conveniently located near one of the entrances to the mall) and my wife handed over her rings to the nearest clerk who was a young Caucasian woman, more than likely in her early 20s, with brown hair just past her shoulders. She looked like your typical college-aged girl, one who'd probably played sports at some point in her life. She was wearing a low-cut, somewhat tight-fitting dress with white, yellow, and blue stripes that ended just where it would have to in order to defend her modesty.

Why did I go into such detail in describing this clerk? Because quite honestly I'm old enough and wise enough to know a gimmicky retail trap when I see one. Stores like this don't hire girls like her because of their abilities in salesmanship, they hire them because they know some poor schmuck is going to buy something he can't afford because the pretty girl behind the counter told him it looks nice. I saw it happen myself when my wife and I were shopping for her ring. We were in a different store but it was the same set up; attractive girl leaning over jewelry displays showing ample amounts of cleavage gets a guy to buy, you guessed it, a high-end engagement ring and all the while he's staring at her chest like his life depended on it. It's hilarious while it's also demeaning - such is life.

My wife has passed off her ring and the clerk has taken it into the repair shop area of the store for inspection. A few minutes later the clerk returns. Much to my wife's dismay, she informs us that one of the stones is loose and the ring will need to be serviced. Wifey doesn't like to be without her bling, you see, and I don't blame her. Be that as it may, I'm not worried because we've done what we were supposed to and this is exactly the sort of thing that the warranty is supposed to catch. Then the clerk says something along the lines of "There will be a charge for this kind of service..."

Despite what Tits McShortdress believed to be accurate, there would be no charge for tightening the setting. It took a few extra minutes and the assistance of an older, more experienced member of the sales staff (who was a guy - I point that out just because) to verify what my wife and I already knew. I somewhat had the impression that they thought they might be able to get one over on us - no dice, I'm afraid. As it stands, we'll be able to pick the ring up soon and I'm sure it will be immaculate. If it isn't, lets just say I've been playing enough Grand Theft Auto 5 lately to know how to handle the matter.

Oddly Worded Advertisements

Generally speaking, I loathe advertisements. As in to a point where while I'm watching TV I will change the channel from a program I enjoy just to go to another channel with a show I have little to no interest in for the mere fact that they aren't running an ad at the time. This strategy doesn't work consistently, though, because those sneaky networks are in cahoots with one another in that nowadays they all seem to go to commercial at the same time. Hence the reason why I keep my phone or tablet nearby so that I can browse Facebook or Twitter - where I get a completely different set of ads, which I can at least scroll past with haste.

Speaking of online ads, YouTube and Hulu Plus present their own set of annoyances when it comes to the forced consumption of advertising. Hulu Plus is a paid subscription-based service, yet users are still subjected to ads and I have no idea why; you would think since people are paying to get to their content the need for ads would've been eliminated, but no, you still get ads. What's unique about Hulu Plus is the fact that when you're watching via their website and an ad comes on you have the ability to tell Hulu Plus whether or not the ad is pertinent to you. I find this hilarious because I click "no" every time purely out of spite - it hasn't yielded any real change in things, but it does make me feel better, if only for a moment, about having potentially influenced their system.

I tend to watch a fair amount of random videos via the YouTube app on one of my mobile devices. Typically there will be one or two ads per session that get tacked onto the opening of whatever clip it is I happen to be watching. These ads are usually short in length but they are incredibly redundant. I am not kidding when I say that I have been served with the same Booking.com ad no less than 50 times here lately. I would never in my life use Booking.com, simply because of having been inundated with their crappy ad.

I'm going to assume that my brain is an advancement in the continued evolution of our species seeing as how I have the innate ability to not permit advertising to influence my buying habits. I've searched my recent memory and the only product for which I've willfully submitted to allowing its corresponding ad to influence me is that of Dollar Shave Club, which is a product line I actually recommend highly. Great razors at a low cost shipped to your home every month - what's not to love about that?

I've turned my dislike for advertising into an opportunity for humor here recently as I've begun noticing that companies are using adjectives in their scripts that strike me as being too odd to ignore. For example, why is it that suddenly so many fast food chains are obsessed with making sure that you know they're using "real" ingredients? I guess recent revelations that "beef" from eateries like Taco Bell and McDonald's is more akin to Soylent Green than legitimate beef has made them paranoid. As if that's supposed to make customers feel better about eating a highly processed food product loaded with preservatives and additives. What's funnier to me are the ads for products like iced cream or breakfast bars - they contain "real iced cream", "real oats", and "real fruit". As opposed to what, exactly? Fake iced cream? Fake oats? Fake fruit? Have things gotten so bad in our culture that we now have to be convinced as consumers that we're not ingesting flavored plastics or something?

Flaming Lean Pockets

I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've eaten a Hot Pocket over the course of my life. I've eaten plenty of food items that have had the distinction of being nuked in a microwave instead of cooked by more traditional means, but Hot Pockets were never one of those go-to things that ranked high up on my list of instant eats. For one, they aren't exactly appetizing to me - the dough is nothing like a pizza crust and the contents are so hot your palette can't process what their flavor is. I'm not one to eat something merely because of convenience, so just the fact that they can be ready in a hurry does nothing for me. Does that make me a snob? Maybe, but at least I can say with satisfaction that I'm unwilling to compromise certain things, one of them being what I decide to shove into my pie hole.

That said, earlier this month prior to heading out to attend a local independent professional wrestling card (see blog entry "WrestleForce Presents Fall Brawl 4 - A Date with Fate") I wanted to get a bite to eat but I didn't want fast food and I didn't want to engage in a full sit down meal. We tend to keep a fairly well stocked pantry at home but there wasn't a whole lot therein this day that struck my fancy either. I remembered that my wife had recently picked up a box of Lean Pockets (pepperoni pizza flavored, I believe) and I figured "Why not?"

I retrieved one of the Lean Pockets from the box in the freezer of our refrigerator. I put the box away then realized that there were no instructions on how to revive the thing from its cryogenic slumber printed on its individual packaging. I will fully admit that I didn't want to have to dig the box back out of the freezer - it wasn't that I was in a hurry or that the box was buried deep within the chill chest, I was just too lazy to go look at the instructions on the box myself. So what did I do? I asked my wife, "Hey, baby - how long do you have to put these Lean Pockets in the microwave?" She's cooked several of them since buying that box so I expected her to have that information.

"I don't know...", she said. "7 minutes, maybe? Look at the box!"

In hindsight, I should've known better than to go along with anything she said that followed "I don't know". Not doing so was the first mistake I made that day. Nevertheless, I put the Lean Pocket into the microwave, set the timer for 7 minutes, and turned it on then walked back to our bedroom to chat with my wife while it was warming up. That was the second mistake I made that day.

I was in our bedroom maybe 3 or 4 minutes before I went to walk back towards the kitchen. Our home is laid out in such a way that there's a hallway which leads from the front of the house where the living room/kitchen are to the back of the house where all the bedrooms are. When I came out of our bedroom and looked towards the kitchen, all I could see was a plume of smoke pouring out of the kitchen and into the living room...

I run to the kitchen and immediately open the door to the microwave. There was so much smoke that I couldn't tell when I got near it whether the light inside was from the bulb that illuminates the interior of the device or if the Lean Pocket was on fire. Fortunately, the pastry wasn't ablaze however it had been cooked to the point of being not much more than a charcoal briquette shaped like a Lean Pocket.

The aftermath of this incident has been lingering for more than a week now as the smoke got into every room of the house but especially the kitchen and living room. We attempted to air out the space as much as possible by opening up the windows and back door as well as turning on all the fans, including that of our air conditioner. I was trying to aid matters by using a beach towel to fan the smoke out the windows - I don't know how much good it did but the haze did eventually go away. The smell has dissipated with time and a lot of air freshener but we get treated to a less than subtle reminder of my folly whenever we use the microwave as the exhaust fan belches out air that's scented with smoke.

I learned two things from this experience.

1) Never walk away from food that you are in the process of cooking, regardless of whether you're using a stove, microwave, or any other implement of food preparation
2) Never rely on your wife when it comes to accurate information regarding cooking times for microwavable products

I'm sorry, honey - it's going to take a lot for you to re-earn my trust, because of course this wasn't my fault.