The Royal Wedding (aka, Something I Don't Care About)

In case you've been living under a rock that isn't within range of a TV, cell phone, computer, iPad, or any other number of portable devices capable of receiving content related to the news of the world up to and including an overly loud car stereo that happened to be set to an appropriate station, you're undoubtedly aware that two people who, other than being born, have quite literally done nothing their entire lives to warrant the level of attention they're receiving will be getting married later this week.  Yes, you guessed it - I'm talking about the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

If there was ever a mark of successful diversion from anything resembling productivity, the complete and total shutdown of an entire nation so that its inhabitants can watch a wedding ceremony would be it.  I'm sure there will be a handful of folk in the United Kingdom who won't be watching but they more than likely won't own up to it, and I can't say as I blame them.  Being ostracized over there can't be all that pleasant of an experience.  This is the part of the world wherein such torture techniques as being hanged, drawn & quartered originated, after all - while I'm not sure of the modern equivalent, I'm sure it can't be any more pleasant an experience.

Sure, this is a ranking event in the annals of history (as it pertains to Britain's royal family, at least) but it's more significant in the realm of popular culture than anywhere else.  Will history books published 100 years from now (assuming the concept of a book is still in practice by then, of course) mention anything about who designed the bride's dress, who got snubbed on the guest list, or what hors d'oeuvres where served at the reception?  No, more than likely not, unless there's a significant change in what's considered worthy content for textbooks by then in which case I'm certain that I'll be happy to have been dead and buried long before. (The further deterioration of what is and is not actually relevant in our modern culture is a matter that concerns me greatly, which - I admit - in the grand scheme of things is largely irrelevant.) Nevertheless, those are what seem to be the poignant aspect of the story for most of the supposedly hard-hitting news agencies who are providing coverage of this event.

Have they figured out we serve no purpose yet? No? Cool...

Why?  Well, to put it quite bluntly, I feel like they've realized that what they're reporting on is essentially a grossly exaggerated celebrity wedding.  And not the wedding of important celebrities like George Lucas and William Shatner who have actually contributed something to the world at large, either! (If you re-read that sentence you might think I'm implying that George and Bill should get hitched...I'm pretty sure if that ever happened every sci-fi nerd on the planet would spontaneously detonate.) In the grand scheme of things, England's royal family holds very little control in terms of the day-to-day operations of the United Kingdom.  And by "very little" I mean next to none whatsoever.  Seriously, the role of the monarchy in the UK is to function as a literal figurehead of the empire, meaning that they show up to social engagements wearing goofy hats and incredibly fussy outfits, conducting themselves as snootily as possible while gallivanting amongst other similarly dressed dignitaries.  That's their entire purpose, and of course their lifestyle is financed mostly by the "contributions" of taxpayers.

All that having been said, I really hope little Billy and Katie have a great wedding and relationship.  My wife and I got married just shy of a year ago and married life has been nothing short of phenomenal.  I poke fun at the fact that they're a pair of irrelevant people, but theirs will be lives lived under the constant gaze of the media thanks to their (in my opinion) undeserved celebrity.  I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have that level of scrutiny applied to your every move, which is why I feel a significant amount of pity for them as a young couple who are bound to face their fair share of bumps in the road as their life together develops.  No one who was alive and aware of the goings on of the world at the time of Princess Diana's death will forget that scenario and how evil the persistence of the media can be.

Now somebody pass me the tea and crumpets...

Flying Telephone Pole

My wife and I live on a fairly busy street as it connects several areas of the city in which we live.  Our road acts as a cut-through between neighborhoods and is heavily traveled at almost all hours of the day.  The sounds of the road - loud car and motorcycle engines as well as stereos - are always there.  It can get a bit loud at times from sirens on emergency services vehicles seeing as how within less than a mile radius of where we are there also happens to be an Orangeburg Department of Public Safety substation (from which responses for police matters and fires are dispatched), Orangeburg County's EMS headquarters, and the Orangeburg County Sheriff's Office.  The noise does take a little getting used to but I lived between an interstate and a set of heavily used train tracks while I was in college - eventually you just learn to let it drone out into the background.

Apparently I've gotten so accustomed to our calamity corner, as it were, that I was completely oblivious to the act when a random motorist clipped a telephone pole across the way from our lot.

I woke up around 5 AM this past Saturday morning needing to take a leak (I realize I may not have necessarily needed to include that bit of information but chose to do so anyway in attempting to recreate the scenario) and when I opened my eyes much to my surprise I was greeted with the sight of flashing emergency lights of the red and white variety penetrating one of our bedroom windows.  This was in contrast to the occasion a few weeks back when I had been roused from my slumber (again, needing to relieve myself) and been treated to a light show thanks to the South Carolina state trooper who left his blue and white lights running whilst he was involved in administering a field sobriety test to some random drunkard stupid enough to think they'd be able to make it home from a night of revelry without repercussions. (Like I said, it's a busy area.) After having lightened the load, so to speak, I realized that the lights weren't coming through the windows at the rear of the house but rather those of the front and side.  Curious, I looked out our side-facing bedroom window and saw a Public Safety cruiser parked beside the house.  I then went to the front of the house to peer out the windows there and saw several more Public Safety cruisers.

They had us surrounded...

I was still bleary-eyed from being kind of awake but mostly asleep; add to this the fact that the sun wasn't yet over the horizon and you understand why I couldn't tell exactly what the situation was.  However, I did notice that there seemed to be a sagging power line across the street from our house.  We've had some fairly rough storms and significant winds here lately so I assumed that the officers were using their cruisers to form a perimeter around a downed line so as to protect any oncoming traffic or random passersby.  The hole in this theory was that we hadn't lost power in our house - not so much as a flutter in service.  Regardless, I went back to bed as I was content with the scenario as it appeared that the proper authorities were in control.

My wife and I were going to take part in the March of Dimes March for Babies event in Orangeburg Saturday morning.  We got up at 7 AM and my first inclination was to see if there was still any commotion outside our house.  I checked the side windows and all appeared to be well, but then I went to the front windows and saw this.

Flying telephone pole?  Flying telephone pole.

I spoke to the officer who was posted in the intersection by our home and he filled me in on the details.  According to him, the pole was struck during the night by a car driven by someone who felt the right thing to do would be to drive away from the scene.  The officer told me that they'd been able to track the vehicle for several blocks because of it having left a trail of fluids but that they couldn't actually find the vehicle as the driver had been able to drive it, disabled as it were, to an unknown location.  How a car that had inflicted - and taken - that much damage could still be running is beyond me.  Before I walked off, the officer concluded by saying that the vehicle would probably wind up being reported stolen (the implication being that the owner might try to put off the damage via a fraudulent claim or that the vehicle was actually stolen and taken for one final joyride).  I was just happy that the driver hadn't lost absolute control of their vehicle and wound up slamming it into one of our cars or, God forbid, our house.

I didn't have the slightest notion that something had happened during the night, which is somewhat disturbing since I'm sure it made quite the ruckus.  Then again, I slept through the entire event when hurricane Hugo came through my hometown of Lancaster, SC back in 1989, so I guess it's not surprising something as pedestrian as a telephone pole shattering less than 50 feet from where I'd been laying didn't give me cause to wake up.  I didn't hear a crash, screeching tires, shouts of obscenities or other random vulgarities, nothing.  My wife, on the other hand, told me the morning after that she felt the house move at some point (she didn't pay any mind to it initially as she thought the sensation might have been from me moving or plopping down into bed forcefully enough to make her bounce).  I doubt the house moved, or at least I hope it didn't.  She probably did sense the impact, though, as I wish I had.  Then if I'd looked outside after the fact I might have had the opportunity to catch a glimpse of the car as it fled.

The pole itself snapped at two points; once at the base buried in the ground and again near the top where the wires are connected.  This leads me to believe it was an older, possibly rotting pole - else it wouldn't have splintered so easily - which probably was in need of replacement anyway.  Regardless, the notion of the wires being strong enough to support the weight of the pole's remnant without popping loose blew my mind.  It's a wonder that they all didn't just snap under the tension and take out power to Lord only knows how many locations.  We never lost power until just before 8 AM when a maintenance crew from the Department of Public Utilities showed up to replace the pole and disabled the line feeding our home.  Fortunately we were leaving not long thereafter to take part in the March of Dimes event, and power had been restored by the time we got back.

Maybe I'm weird (I know I am but I'm giving myself the benefit of a doubt here), but I've grown to appreciate odd little occurrences like this.  Things you don't see every day, or ever again as is the case a lot of the time.  Life is a series of events strung together by our emotional connections to them, after all.  The truly unique events are the ones we remember most vividly, and sometimes most fondly.  Indeed, things would be mighty boring without the occasional flying telephone pole.

Stephen Garcia and his Idiot Switch

The big news to come out of the University of South Carolina's football program this week is the indefinite suspension (his fifth suspension overall) of senior quarterback Stephen Garcia from team activities for allegedly having shown up to an event organized by the South Eastern Conference smelling of alcohol and acting boisterously. ("Boisterously", in this context, has not been defined - for the punishment he's facing, I'm hoping he at least had the decency to strip down to his skivvies in front of a group of dignitaries and do his best Ric Flair impression.) This was after Garcia had been suspended just weeks earlier for having engaged in what we'll call "extracurricular activities" with a number of young ladies and a significant amount of liquid courage in his hotel room while the team was in Atlanta, GA last year for the SEC championship game. ("Pffft - amateur...", Charlie Sheen was heard to have commented.) After having served that suspension, Garcia spoke to the media and assured us all that it was the end of his wild ways - he even went so far as to guarantee that "nothing bad" would happen again.

To say that Garcia has a reputation of questionable judgement and behavior at Carolina would be an understatement - in fact, I'd go so far as to say that it may be his legacy at the school even with his statistics as a quarterback being what they are.  It seems almost as if Stephen (who was a sought after prospect coming out of high school) has been at USC for a decade, seeing as how he started school early in hopes of getting a leg-up on competing at a collegiate level.  He was arrested twice in 2007; first for public intoxication and failure to stop for a police officer, then again less than a month later for malicious damage to property after he keyed a professor's car.  He was suspended again in 2008 for an alcohol-related charge and hadn't been in hot water with the authorities or school officials since that time - up until earlier this week, that is.

Spurrier facepalm - we feel your pain, Steve...

I'm a believer in second chances.  I've screwed up plenty of times and fortunately there are no police records to account for any of those instances.  But Stephen is beyond a second chance.  For that matter, he's beyond a third and fourth chance as well.  He's a 23 year old man with a child and yet he still conducts himself as if he doesn't have any legitimate responsibilities, either to his family, school, or teammates.  You'd think he'd have learned to act like he had a touch of common sense by now but I'm guessing that would be asking too much of him.

If this entry comes off as sounding like it was written by a scorned fan, then you're very astute in your observation.  I feel particularly disappointed by Garcia because he has so much potential yet he's let us as members of the Gamecock faithful down on a multitude of occasions, not only off the field but on.  His tendencies of throwing passes directly into coverage, attempting to run his way out of pass rushes only to wind up with negative yardage plays, and being something of a butter-fingers when it comes to holding onto the ball while rushing are all well documented.  I mentioned his stats earlier in this post; Garcia is 17-13 all time as a starting quarterback at Carolina and this past year he threw 20 touchdowns and 14 interceptions.  His passer rating is respectable, but I would contend that it is what it is more so because of the receivers he's had to work with than his aptitude as a quarterback.  Take away Alshon Jeffrey and his passer rating drops by at least 50 points.

All these things have lead me to believe that Stephen has what I call an idiot switch buried somewhere within his brain.  Truth be told, we may all have an idiot switch as I think most people are capable of doing imperceptibly stupid things from time to time.  Like when Kyle Parker decided to give up close to $1,000,000 from the Colorado Rockies in order to play one more season of football for Clemson University. (Oh, please - like I'm going to write an entire blog post about something relating to Gamecock football without taking a shot at Clemson...) His idiot switch got flipped but he's since come to his senses, and most people who do get their idiot switch flipped find their way out of the predicament.  Unlike most of us, however, Garcia's behavior has lead me to believe that his idiot switch is permanently stuck in the "ON" position.

Durrrrr, it don't turn off...

Garcia's prospects of playing in the NFL weren't that great but his character issues will more than likely take him out of any serious consideration for anything other than a back-up position.  He'll probably be OK in life ultimately, though.  He's a sociology major, so with that, his criminal record, and his proclivity for drunkenness he could be a congressman or senator, no sweat.

Random Observations - Part 1

There are occasions where I feel like writing a blog but don't necessarily have enough content to warrant bothering with a post.  It's like when you have leftover spaghetti and egg salad - it doesn't necessarily make sense to eat them together as a meal but when you're hungry enough you'll eat just about anything.  As such, I'll assemble those meandering thoughts into a single entity, heretofore to be known as the "Random Observations".

- My WrestleMania XXVII predictions...

Were almost all wrong.  I went 2-8 (technically, I was 2-8-1 seeing as how WWE wound up bumping the advertised Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan US Championship match off the card due to time constraints), which is pathetic.  I can't even claim a moral victory here because the matches I predicted correctly - Trish Stratus, John Morrison & Snooki over LayCool & Dolph Ziggler, and Undertaker over Triple H - weren't exactly long shots seeing as how Undertaker and celebrities are pretty much guaranteed winners at WrestleMania.  I thought I was taking a fairly logical approach to my arguments in attempting to postulate who would win each match, which just goes to show that those of us who feel like we've followed the WWE product (and wrestling in general in most cases) long enough to have an idea of what's coming next still have no clue what's actually going on better than 90% of the time.

- Defensive driving classes...

Can be fairly taxing on the mind, body, and spirit.  I was required to attend a course organized by my employer earlier this week.  The room in which the class was held was very warm and the seating uncomfortable, and these sensations were compounded by the fact that the course lasted just shy of 4 hours.  Be that as it may, the content of the session was sound and I'm looking forward to receiving my attendance certificate in the hope that it will knock a few bucks off my car insurance.

Most of the videos included in the presentation were from the United Kingdom and consisted of kids either getting thrashed around inside a vehicle because they'd not bothered to wear seat belts or being run over by oncoming tractor-trailers due to their not having been cognizant enough to look both ways before crossing a street.  The psychology behind videos like those has always been a mystery to me, much like the psychology behind my old Sunday school teacher who used to incessantly tell us how bad Hell was going to be in an effort to get us to accept Jesus Christ as our eternal lord & savior. ("You will go to Hell and you will burn...", she would say to us while pointing her old, wrinkly, nicotine scented index finger at us.  That's a bit like sandblasting a soup cracker in attempting to deliver perspective to a group of 8 year old kids.) My point being, showing me a child getting her skull bounced off a windshield isn't going to make me any better of a driver.  It does, however, prove that we'd all be better off if we wore helmets constantly - cool and functional helmets, mind you.

- I make really good jambalaya...

Really, I do - or at least I think I do.  If someone from New Orleans tasted it they might think I'd just served them a steaming bowl of shame soup that was being rather rudely put off as one of their most sacred of regional dishes.  Even so, I think it's good and it's my own recipe that I've perfected over time.  I'm very happy with the recipe as is, however I'm a tinkerer when it comes to things of a culinary nature which is why I'm interested in trying a few alternative ingredients in the future just to see how they turn out.  For example, I typically include smoked sausage in my jambalaya but I'd like to try Andouille sausage because it's a more traditional ingredient found in jambalaya. (I've tried making my jambalaya with turkey sausage for a healthier twist but something isn't quite the same about the end result.) Likewise, I've often seen bay leaves involved in jambalaya recipes but I've never cooked with them.  I'm hesitant to include them as I'd hate to have a flavor I'm not too keen on winding up ruining supper.

- Some people can work out by osmosis...

At least that's what I assume they're doing.  My wife and I go to the local YMCA sometimes as many as 5 days a week depending on our schedules and desires.  Seeing as how there aren't many gyms in the town we live it's usually pretty crowded in there.  Most members at this particular YMCA seem to be fairly agreeable when it comes to understanding that everyone's there for the same goal and that you shouldn't hog one piece of equipment since there are other people who want to use it.  Even so, there have been several instances where I've become quite annoyed with patrons who basically sit on a piece of equipment without doing any actual exercise (or at least enough to amount to anything).

Case in point, I begin my exercise routine with about 35 minutes of cardiovascular training; usually a "rolling hills" program on a stationary bicycle.  Earlier this week when I got on the bike there was a woman sitting across the room from me on a butterfly curl machine.  She sat there literally the entire time I was on the bike and did all of 3 repetitions.  I know I'm not an Adonis by any means, but that doesn't matter seeing as how in this context what we're ultimately talking about is etiquette and tact when it comes to being in a communal space like a gym.  If you want to send text messages and browse Facebook for half an hour - great, but go do it on a bench somewhere!  Don't keep people from being able to use equipment that they're paying money to have access to by being a rude douche, for crying out loud.

WrestleMania XXVII Predictions

WrestleMania XXVII (or 27 for those of you who weren't born in the era before Christ) is coming up this weekend from inside the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, GA.  My wife and I gave consideration to the possibility of attending the show seeing as how Atlanta isn't much more than a few hours drive from our base of operations.  We looked over WWE's offered travel packages and the price of tickets in general, then we realized we could take a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean for around the same amount of money.  7 days in the Caribbean on a luxury cruise ship filled with all manner of drinks, food, and entertainment or a couple nights in suburban Atlanta watching grown men in spandex play-fighting with each other?  Tough call, for sure, but we opted for the cruise.

Maybe next year, Vince...Maybe next year.

As it stands, we're planning on watching the show with some friends from the comfort of a couch or recliner with easy access to a plethora of snacks, frosty beverages, and clean restrooms.  This is the preferred method of sports viewing for yours beardly as I find the experience of attending events in modern coliseums akin to being a lone agent of justice dealing with an invading unwashed horde, and the seating equivalent to being made into a human Vienna Sausage and packaged as such.  This communal viewing methodology also affords the opportunity to take the frugal way out when it comes to paying for the purchase of the pay-per-view rights, meaning a $65 access fee gets split into several pieces and we get to see the annual "Showcase of the Immortals" for $20 - possibly less.

$60 (or more) for a seat in an arena gets you this level of comfort.

The concept of betting on professional wrestling might seem absurd since match outcomes are (MASSIVE-HUGE-GARGANTUAN SPOILER ALERT) typically predetermined.  Be that as it may, the general public isn't privy to the results prior to the event, which makes it prime fodder for odds-makers nowadays who will commonly post lines online for everything from which team will win the Super Bowl to who's going to win the current season of American Idol.  In that still developing tradition, I've decided this year to post my predictions for WrestleMania XXVII.

1) Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Corre (Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel & Ezekiel Jackson)

PREDICTION: The Corre

This is the first year since 2004 that WrestleMania hasn't included a Money In The Bank ladder match (a match wherein the competitors are all trying to capture a briefcase suspended above the ring which contains a contract good for a match against a champion of their choosing, with the added drama of a time constraint in  that the contract can only be used once during the year that follows), and quite frankly I'm disappointed that there isn't one this year.  MITB had become one of the sure-fire, big moments of the show that included a large collection of talent.  Apparently this match is taking the place of MITB this year.  I have scant interest in it because it's a feud that's been cobbled together over the past few weeks.  The Corre have more to gain from winning here as they're an established stable, plus their members currently hold the WWE Tag Team and Intercontinental titles.  Their losing would not only weaken the group but also the luster of those championships.

2) United States Championship - Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan

PREDICTION: Sheamus

Sheamus is Irish, so it makes complete sense that he's the United States Champion.  WWE had a European championship years ago and it would be amusing to see them dust it off just to hand it to Sheamus as a short-term replacement of the US strap.  That won't happen, though, nor will Bryan win the title back.  Regardless, I'm hoping that this leads to something for Bryan because he's a very talented worker - not really showing much in terms of his charisma, but then again that never has been his forte.

3) John Morrison, Trish Stratus & Snooki vs. LayCool (Michelle McCool & Layla El) & Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero)

PREDICTION: Morrison, Stratus & Snooki

I think I'm one of few people who doesn't give a crap about "Jersey Shore".  I don't hate the show or the people on it, I just don't get it or programs like it because they turn people with no discernible talents into the idols of young, impressionable idiots everywhere who don't know better than to want to be like them because they think it'll make them popular.  Enter Snooki - a "celebrity" entrant into this particular match.  Celebrities who get brought into 'Mania matches rarely wind up losing (the exception being Pete Rose who seems to show up at random just to take a piledriver from Kane every so often), and I see no reason why the trend would change.

4) Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes

PREDICTION: Rey Mysterio

I think Mysterio wins this match but not via pin fall, rather I think Rhodes will do something to wind up costing himself the match but that will further establish him as a superior heel.  It's no secret that Mysterio is getting older and isn't in the physical condition he once was (he's been wrestling for almost 20 years), and I'm sure he recognizes the opportunity for him to use his star power to help establish a younger talent like Rhodes.

5) CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

PREDICTION: CM Punk

A few months back, CM Punk became the leader of a group known as the Nexus - a collective of relatively green wrestlers who'd been part of WWE's NXT reality show.  Randy Orton has been systematically eliminating the Nexus members and now Punk stands alone in his quest for revenge against Orton for not only having taken out his flunkies but also having injured him several years prior when Punk was in the middle of the World title picture.

This is definitely one of the more interesting matches on the card for me, mainly because I've been a fan of Punk's ever since his days with Ring of Honor.  I've been tossing around this odd idea that when (OK, if) Punk wins, Orton winds up seeing the error of his ways and becomes something of a disciple to Punk (who subscribes to the straight edge lifestyle - no alcohol, drugs, or tobacco).  I don't know how likely that turn of events is, but it would definitely give new legs to a feud that has had some strong moments along the way.

6) Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole (with Jack Swagger) (special referee "Stone Cold" Steve Austin)

PREDICTION: Jerry Lawler

I have never particularly cared for Michael Cole, from the time that he was a lowly interviewer all the way to now that he's considered by some to be "the voice of WWE".  It hasn't mattered to me that it's only been in the past year or so that they've attempted to develop a heel announcer gimmick around him; I've always had an image of him in my head as some sniveling little piss-ant and the character he's portraying hasn't done anything to improve that perception.

That being the case, I would like nothing more than to see Cole with Jerry Lawler's fist in his mouth.  If he winds up taking a few stiff stunners from Stone Cold along the way, that won't bother me any either.  Point is, the more roughed up this little jerk gets the happier I'll be with the outcome.  And if he ends up having to take time off to recover from a dislocated jaw or reconstructive dental surgery, that's fine by me too - so long as Jim Ross gets to come back in his stead.

7) No Holds Barred - Undertaker vs. Triple H

PREDICTION: Undertaker

The Undertaker is a rare individual in that he has developed such a mythology behind his gimmick that it is highly likely there will never be another like him, ever.  It's the type of gimmick that only comes around once, and in the same vein is his undefeated streak at WrestleMania.  The Dead Man stands presently with an unblemished 18-0 record at 'Mania, having defeated everyone from Ric Flair to Shawn Michaels along the way.

All that having been said, if there was someone who would be seen as most likely to end Taker's streak it would have to be Triple H.  HHH, if you didn't know, has a long history of having been able to influence creative direction within WWE thanks to his relationship to other well-known stars with similar pull, namely Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Shawn Michaels.  He's also married to Stephanie McMahon and has recently been named as a senor adviser to Vince McMahon - which, when you boil it down to brass tacks, basically means that when Vince eventually decides to step away from the business it is almost certain that it will be him who takes the reigns of the wrestling end of their operation.  It's fitting that his Hunter Hearst Helmsley character originated back in the mid 90's as the "Connecticut Blue-blood", a man of privilege and luxury.

I don't think the streak ends this year, though, as I feel like it is realistically all Undertaker has left in his illustrious career.  Next year may be a different story, however; retiring with a perfect 20-0 record at WrestleMania would be a fitting send-off for him.

8) World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio

PREDICTION: Alberto Del Rio

I'm not giving Edge much of an edge (sometimes the puns write themselves) here because Alberto Del Rio has had nothing short of a meteoric rise upon being brought into WWE's main roster as part of the SmackDOWN brand.  Edge has had multiple runs with the world title in recent years, so a bit of new blood in the picture would be very welcome at this point.  The Latino market is one that WWE has had good success with thanks primarily to Rey Mysterio's involvement, and I'm sure another Spanish-speaking world champion will do great things for business.  Del Rio is one of the best heels to come along in quite some time and I look forward to seeing what they have in store for him.

9) WWE Championship - The Miz (c) vs. John Cena

PREDICTION: John Cena

The Rock is "hosting" WrestleMania 27.  What exactly that's going to involve is anyone's guess at this point, but I'm fairly certain he's not going to be manning the fruit tray at Kraft services or going around to freshen up people's drinks.  He's been jawing a good bit with both The Miz and John Cena in recent weeks, and quite frankly he's the most interesting part of the dynamic of this match for me as I can't think of two wrestlers I like less in terms of their abilities or presentation than Miz and Cena.  Rock never had a true "send off" match before he left WWE to pursue his acting career - given that the location for WrestleMania XXVIII has been announced as his home town of Miami, FL it's made a lot of people wonder if there hasn't already been a plan hatched to have a program involving him start now that might end next year.  That is purely speculative at this point, but it is a rather curious thing to consider nonetheless.

I'm giving Cena the advantage here more or less because of the fact that he's somewhat due for another title run.  Kids and women love him, needless to say, and they buy merchandise with Cena's mug on it like it was required for functioning in daily life.  Miz, on the other hand, makes people want to throw their televisions into the Grand Canyon and forget they ever watched wrestling in the first place.  Advantage, Cena.

When did using the word "wrestling" become a no-no to the WRESTLING business?

It was announced last week on World Wrestling Entertainment's TV programming that comedian Drew Carey would be inducted into the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame as part of the 2011 class of honorees to be presented during the festivities surrounding WrestleMania 27.  I know what you're probably thinking, "Wrestling?  What the hell does Drew Carey have to do with wrestling?"  In 2001, Carey was invited to take part in the Royal Rumble, an annual, live wrestling event held by World Wrestling Entertainment and broadcast to the rest of the globe via pay-per-view wherein as many as 40 wrestlers wrestle to become the last wrestler standing inside the wrestling ring.  Carey is being inducted into World Wrestling Entertainment's Hall of Fame because he was the first-ever celebrity entrant in the Royal Rumble wrestling match.

Not a "professional wrestling" event.

In case you weren't counting, I used the word "wrestling" (or some derivative thereof) 13 times in my opening paragraph.  I did so because of the fact that "wrestling" is apparently now a cursed word as it pertains to World Wrestling Entertainment.

Over the weekend, Chuck Ross - a managing director of TVWeek.com - published a piece relating how Kellie Baldyga, a publicist from WWE, had contacted him with demands to remove an article TV Week had put out about Carey's induction into the Hall of Fame (read Ross' full commentary here).  The article was titled "Drew Carey Inducted Into Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame. Huh? Drew Carey??!!"  In his recounting of the matter, Ross details a conversation he had with WWE's publicist; what follows are direct quotes from his write-up.

Ross: Your release says that Carey is being recognized as being an entrant in the 2001 Royal Rumble. I believe that was a wrestling event.

Baldyga: No, we don't do wrestling events. They're entertainments. And we don’t call them wrestlers. They’re superstars and divas.

Ross: Kellie, I really don't have time for this. WWE presents wrestling events. I'm not going to change the headline or anything in the item. If you'd like, I'll just remove it.

Baldyga: Huh? What?

Ross: Kellie, I don't have time for this. What do you want me to do?

Baldyga: Remove it.

Its been common knowledge to people who have followed the wrestling business in the United States for at least the past decade that the powers that be within World Wrestling Entertainment (read, Vince McMahon) have mobilized an effort for the company to broaden its horizons beyond just wrestling.  Movies, music, books, magazines, even a professional football league to rival the NFL - WWE has definitely tried to break the mold of their business model as it related exclusively to wrestling in order to create a much more diverse entity.  Most of these efforts have been met with mild success at best (the most glaring failure being the XFL, which I honestly thought was a decent idea in concept), meanwhile the wrestling-end of the company has thrived all along.  Why then would they want to make an apparent move away from what has been their bread & butter product, a product that they now govern over in a totalitarian methodology thanks to having consumed their primary competition years ago?

Money, of course.

Most states have licensing requirements imposed by an official government body such as the state athletic commission or division of labor, licensing, and regulation when it comes to sports like boxing and mixed martial arts.  These licenses are effective in that they insure athletes involved are healthy enough to compete. (Be that as it may, the licenses guarantee nothing in the way of a competitor's training or aptitude when it comes to their given combat art.) Stiff fines and other penalties can be dolled out if a person is found to be involved with a promotion but is not licensed.  Professional wrestling is generally recognized with similar requirements, however, some states don't mandate such things when it comes to wrestling.  Given that wrestling promoters are already required to go through the processes of obtaining a range of permits for their events, it stands to reason that they might want to avoid further expenses incurred by inadvertently (or purposefully) employing talent who do not have their licenses in order.

Another aspect to this argument is the fact that WWE classifies their talent as independent contractors and not employees of the company.  In doing so, WWE gets out of having to provide benefits to their wrestlers.  This is something that affects aging talent who have amassed years worth of injuries and who may not be able to afford the cost of treatment.  WWE does cover the cost of surgeries or procedures required as a result of injuries suffered by talent while they are under contract; likewise, they offer a wellness program for talent with substance abuse issues.  Be that as it may, many feel that WWE does just enough to get by when they could be doing much more to improve the lives of the men and women who have made the company into a billion dollar, publicly traded company.

Consider the quotes I referenced and how the publicist from WWE made a thorough effort to correct the reporter's every usage of the word "wrestling" in relation to the company.  "We're not a wrestling company, we're a global media company...They're not wrestlers, they're superstars and divas...We don't promote wrestling matches, we promote entertainments."  I'm trying to give this policy an ounce of credibility but that last bit is pushing it.  "Entertainments"?  I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall during the meeting in which that decision was made.

Truth be told, there's so little actual wrestling involved with WWE programming these days that I'm almost in agreement with the idea that WWE talent shouldn't be referred to as "wrestlers". (This is why if I'm going to attend a WWE event I prefer the non-televised events as they don't waste time with interviews, promos, replays, or what have you.) Sure there are televised matches but they typically run less than 10 minutes a pop - for example, on the March 14, 2011 edition of WWE's Monday Night Raw program (which has a running time of 2 hours) the average match length was just slightly greater than 3 minutes (the numbers don't lie).  Lou Thesz was a wrestler.  Arn Anderson was a wrestler.  Ric Flair was a wrestler.  Steve Austin was a wrestler.  What they did throughout their careers was vastly different than what the "superstars" of today are responsible for.

I'm curious as to whether or not McMahon & Co. believe that their legal team might be savy enough to actually convince a judge that their talent aren't wrestlers but rather entertainers, and that they aren't promoting athletic events at all but instead something more akin to a play, thereby skirting all matters relating to permitting and licenses.  It's semantics but it's a decent argument, and what's the harm in them trying?  I'd actually like to see it played out in court if only to learn about how sternly it gets shot down because the judge assigned to the litigation was a huge Blackjack Mulligan fan and refuses to let these tools ruin the professional wrestling business any more than they already have.

Quite a few people in and around the wrestling industry have said over the years that if Vince McMahon, Sr. knew what his son was going to do with the company he started way back when he'd have probably sold it to someone else.  As much as I am a fan of wrestling in general (WWE included), I have to admit that my frustration with the WWE product is at an all-time high.  I miss tag team wrestling.  I miss the days when a world title had meaning and didn't look like a hubcap.  I miss hard-nosed competitors who didn't have to have any reasoning for wanting to best their opponent beyond the fact that they just plain wanted to beat the snot out of them and anyone else who got in their way.  I guess it's a good thing, then, that a big part of WWE's business model is the sale of retrospective DVDs with content from bygone eras.  It seems like the only way I'll get to see the types of wrestling that I have grown to love is to look at items from the past, as if staring upon them from a display in a museum.

I like museums.

My Frustration with Pollination

It's been postulated that animals don't have sex for pleasure, rather they engage in coitus purely based upon the instinct to mate and thereby reproduce.  The assumption, of course, being that it's one of those innate behaviors animals exhibit because they're not equipped with the mental capacity to differentiate between desire and instinct.  There's a certain morality and nobility to that line of thought, really.  Almost as if to say that animals are superior to humans because they're seemingly incapable of allowing their carnal needs to supersede leading an otherwise dignified existence.  There would be no equivalent to the Maury Povich show in the animal kingdom, in other words, because all baby daddies would own up to their chil'ren and support them accordingly.

Undoubtedly a lot of time, effort, and money has been put towards proving the validity of this claim even though I'm fairly certain that my parents' Dachshund disproved the theory by regularly dry-humping a large teddy bear they'd given him.  He didn't care about whether or not he was impregnating a willing lady and furthering his species in the process, all he was focused upon was that knew what he was doing felt good at the time.  Sadly, the little guy didn't get to enjoy himself for long - he was neutered in an effort to improve his temperament (I was against the idea at first but it wound up that he had an un-descended testicle which could've caused him serious issues in the future had it not been dealt with).  It wound up improving his attitude and his appetite.

Plants, on the other hand, are a perfect example of the before mentioned thesis.  I don't know about you, but I've never seen a tree uproot itself to go get busy with another tree in a different part of town because all the trees around it were frigid or just plain not his type.  Plants are stuck in a cyclical system of sexual reproduction whereby they rely on the wind or various insects and critters to distribute pollen, their sickly, dull, yellow-colored seed.  And therein lies the problem for people such as myself who suffer from allergies made all the more worse by this process we call pollination.

The part of the world I'm from isn't a concrete jungle; we have lots of trees, shrubbery, farmland, and what have you down here and it makes for a beautiful, lush landscape.  When springtime comes around and all those things I mentioned start firing off their collective copulation payload, every unprotected surface gets coated with the stuff, giving the terrain a dingy, muted glaze the color of a boiled egg's yoke.  We've had particularly dry conditions the past few years which allows the pollen to gather upon the ground almost like grains of sand and nearly as thick in some areas.  Around this time a year ago my wife was in the process of having her bridal portraits made, some of which were going to be taken outside.  She and the photographer actually had concerns over the fact that there was so much pollen floating around that it could stain her wedding dress.  It's to a point right now that if I walk across the parking lot of my office building I can scrub my shoes off on the welcome mats and leave a trail of pollen behind.  Similarly, my truck is a kind of burnt orange color but right now it has a completely unappealing yellow tinge (as does most every other vehicle).  What's worse is that it does no good to bother washing it because the residual moisture will only act as a sponge for more pollen!

My Mom had me tested for allergies when I was a kid - it's a normal procedure for children to have, right in line with immunizations and regular check-ups.  I don't remember the scenario as it was done when I was very young but for those who don't know, the process of testing someone for allergies is such that you're basically turned into a human pin cushion.  Needles coated with different substances are jabbed into your skin, normally on a large surface such as your back or arms, and then doctors can tell you what you're allergic to based on the materials to which you react.

Considering the amount of allergy medication I've taken in my lifetime (pills, nasal sprays, injections - you name it, I've had it), I figure I must have turned funny colors and swollen up like an Elephantiasis patient after my test.  Fortunately, allergies are something you can grow out of and mine have become less severe over the years (better cleaning and air conditioning technology has helped as well in cutting down on my exposure to dust and other airborne particulates around the house).  Be that as it may, when springtime approaches and plants start pumping out pollen I have to stock up on medication - and tissues.

My allergies manifest themselves in a number of ways.  I can sometimes feel an allergy attack coming on as the skin around my neck and face will become warm and flushed.  This is a precursor to a range of other symptoms, none of which are particularly less than gross to have to deal with.  The effects of my allergies on my eyes can vary from causing them to become either watery, sticky, or dry. (For example, as I write this post I'm blinking through blurry splotches as today is a sticky kind of day.) Seeing as how my eyesight isn't that great to begin with, the additional strain put on them by this set of possibilities doesn't help matters.  Aside from the already mentioned redness, skin irritation has never been much of a problem for me.  My sinuses, on the other hand, are the real horror show.  I won't go into great detail about that side of my allergies here; suffice it to say that mucus and I are well acquainted with one another to the point of where we're either best friends or worst enemies.  The most annoying thing about when my slimy cohort arrives is that it often sets in at night.  Sometimes I'll even be woken up from a sound sleep by a sneeze which is almost never easy to recover from in that I have great difficulty getting back to sleep.  Trust me when I say that the infomercials on at 4 AM aren't all that entertaining.

So what are people like myself to do this time of year?  Stay indoors as much as possible, take our medication, and pray for rain until the annual botanical orgy is over with.  It's a defeatist attitude, I admit, but in a fight against Mother Nature more often than not you're better off trying to seek shelter than mount an offensive.  I haven't put the idea of buying a gas mask with filters specifically for particulates completely out of mind.

I Hate Movie Re-Makes

Creativity isn't like land, crude oil, or other finite resources.  Theoretically, it's something that we should never run out of, yet for way too many years now it has seemed as though that's exactly what's happened in Hollywood.  Sure, there are still new concepts being put into production on a regular basis that warrant getting whipped up into a tizzy over but the trend of bringing back what have been, generally speaking, already successful franchises with modern re-makes that don't hold a candle to their source material has gotten to a level of absurdity generally reserved for Saturday night SyFy (pronounced "siff-ee") Channel original movies (I'm pretty sure they only use the "originals" production tag line to let people know it was them who was responsible for the schlock-fest they're about to sit through and not a superior company).  Case in point, the trailer below released today for a re-do of 1982's "Conan the Barbarian", which originally starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as the loincloth-wearing Cimmerian slave turned swordsman, Conan.

There's not much to criticize here in terms of the content of the movie itself seeing as how this is a teaser trailer which is intended to say to an audience, "Hey, look at me - I'm a movie you might like to watch in theaters...Or ignore in theaters and rent from Netflix a few months from now...Or ignore altogether...Whichever works for you!"  It could turn out to be a decent flick or it could be a theatrical turd - who's to say at this point?  My argument is the fact that it didn't need to be made in the first place.  I'm under the impression that a lot (read, most) of these re-vamps are done thanks to the argument being made that the original films look dated.  No kidding, a movie made in 1982 (in this case) with costumes, props, and effects cobbled together on a budget that wouldn't even handle the cost of Kraft services on a movie set these days looks dated?!

Isn't this art we're talking about after all?  The preservation of the original piece in question isn't only about maintaining its novel content but also because it reaches back into a bygone era and shows us a glimpse of where we were culturally and historically at that specific moment.  By the logic of certain Hollywood executives we should've torn down the Sistine Chapel and put up a newer, more hip version in its place years ago (you know, one with product placement - instead of God reaching out to touch His creation, Adam, we can have Him passing his new best bro a Bud Light and a bag of Doritos).  I guess since the Mona Lisa was painted in the 16th century someone should re-do that, too - that chick has got to have some lines in her face by now...

Another argument in favor of re-imagining (that's the cushiest term I've ever seen used to describe what amounts, in some instances, to the wholesale pillaging of some of my favorite childhood stories) these movies is that they have a fairly big upside advantage in terms of their being more likely to turn a profit.  They're easier to develop since there's plenty of existing material to draw inspiration from and they're also easier to market seeing as how people will recognize the title from its previous release. Lets face facts, here - making movies is as much a business as selling cars is.  Studios make movies to turn a profit, hence the reasoning behind why executives are more likely to green-light a re-make before they would n original piece written by an unheard of author and pitched by a director whose only prior experience is tuna commercials.  It's unfortunate that creativity gets squelched in favor of regurgitation, but that's the way bile flows sometimes.

As far as I'm concerned, unless the original film was decent-to-good but could've been great with a little extra effort, budget, technology, etc. that modern film-making can provide, re-treading a movie is a horrible idea.    Just because the original doesn't have a whole bunch of computer generated imagery or wasn't shot entirely with actors standing in front of green screens doesn't warrant a do-over.  A prime example of this is 2010's re-make of "The Karate Kid".  I'm likely to draw some heat for this but I didn't particularly care for it - and why should I?  I grew up with the original; Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita in a classic coming-of-age tale set around teen drama and karate tournaments.  The new version was horribly bloated, significantly more unrealistic than its predecessor, and plays like a tourism video intended to make communist China look like a great vacation destination.  Will Smith's a great guy for getting his son some work but I hate it came at the cost of soiling a set of movies I've always appreciated.

Lastly, my best reasoning for not re-making a movie as it applies to "Conan the Barbarian" specifically
 is the fact that if a new "Barbarian" is unleashed, the world might very well forget one of the greatest lines in the entire history of cinema.

You stay classy, Jack Leggett

Clemson baseball coach Jack Leggett doing his best Emperor Palpatine impression

One of the greatest collegiate sports rivalries that very few people outside of South Carolina seem to know much about exists between the University of South Carolina Gamecocks and Clemson University Tigers.  We don't have many major media markets down here in the "deep south", which is what I blame for the rest of the world's ignorance on what is a fantastic feud.  The gridiron has served as the most vivid battlefield upon which this rivalry has been contested, but recently the eyes and interest of the fans have shifted to another patch of grass as it has grown to envelope the baseball diamond as well thanks to both schools fielding stellar teams.  But what is a great college rivalry without a few shenanigans along the way?

The Reedy River Rivalry, as it has become known, was played out this year in a 3-game format - one game each in Columbia, Clemson, and Greenville (a neutral site).  By the time the teams reached the third game, both squads had gotten a win in the series meaning that the rubber match would decide the victor, as it should.

An aside to this story is the matter of Carolina using composite baseball bats.  These bats differ from traditional aluminum bats in that they have a graphite core which some believe hampers power hitters from getting the same drive as they could with all-metal bats, yet others feel it improves their chances as the trampoline effect that comes from a batter making contact with the ball is greater thanks to the graphite core.  Regardless, apparently these bats have something in common with small children and women in that they perform better when they can get all snugly and warm, which is why a lot of teams have begun using bat warmers - even teams playing in the south where temperatures are generally more moderate during baseball season.

Before you go searching for an NCAA baseball rule book, I can assure you that as of this writing there is nothing illegal about using a bat warmer as they are actually necessary in certain parts of the country.  At this point, coaches could conceivably install a pottery kiln in their dugouts if they wanted.  The logistics of a hitter, catcher, umpire, pitcher, fans or some combination thereof having to dodge shrapnel coming from a bat that exploded upon contact because it was near frozen isn't something the NCAA wants to have to deal with, needless to say.

In the first inning of game 3 of the series, Gamecock star outfielder Jackie Bradley, Jr. hit a solo home run to give Carolina an early lead.  After Bradley had rounded the bases, Clemson coach Jack Leggett approached the head umpire Scott Erby to ask him to check Bradley's bat to make sure it was legal.  Leggett felt he had justification for doing so thanks to his catcher, Phil Pohl, having alleged that several of the bats used by Gamecock hitters in earlier games of the series were "hot". (Apparently Pohl spends a fair amount of time checking other men's bats...)

The unwritten rule in baseball has always been that it isn't cheating unless you get caught as players have thought of some rather ingenious tactics over the years to get over on each other including everything from hitters using excessive and strategically placed pine tar on their bats to pitchers using mucus to put an extra slick spin on the ball.  For this reason, it's within Leggett's rights as a coach to call for a bat check but to say he was grasping at straws would be an understatement.  I don't guess you can blame him for trying to fire up his team with this sort of tactic, even though doing so is akin to Clemson football coach Dabo Sweeney complaining to a referee that Steve Spurrier had his equipment manager polish the Gamecocks helmets too highly, causing a distracting glare. (I'm sure the fact that the visiting team's sideline at Carolina's Williams-Brice Stadium faces the sun as it sets and gets absolutely zero shade during afternoon games was never considered during construction.)

Bradley's bat passed the umpire's inspection and play resumed with Carolina eventually winning the game 5-4 as well as the series.  Deciding to go with the old adage of what's good for the goose (Er, Gamecock?) is good for the gander, Clemson University has deployed their own, state-of-the-art bat warming technology.

Good ol' "Cow Tech" - leading the way in advancing humanity's usage of manure.

Reason #340,781 to avoid Wal-Mart

Once upon a time, I worked with the public.  I sold cellular phones and pagers for almost 6 years after I got out of college - if you've ever wanted a soul crushing experience, try to maintain the will to provide anything resembling excellent customer service when your customer base is mostly made up of whiny 15 year old kids who want to know why their pre-paid phone didn't survive getting dropped in a toilet.

That said, I get that it's tough to be in retail.  I don't think anyone really wants those jobs as they're basically one step removed from janitorial services on the totem pole of importance to a given company, so it's no wonder they don't exactly attract the highest level of professionals.  Likewise, low-level management positions don't usually get many applicants with MBA's from prestigious universities (or even half-way decent community colleges for that matter).  So is it any wonder that when my wife and I went to Wal-Mart last week we encountered several individuals employed there who were, shall we say, less than stellar when it comes to creating a positive shopping experience?

We'd gone out to dinner earlier in the evening and were rounding up some groceries and supplies.  Typically we shop at Bi-Lo or Reid's (a local chain with an affiliation to Food Lion), but there are some products that we persist in buying from Wal-Mart simply because of the fact that they're cheaper there.  On our list this particular evening were lean ground beef, laundry detergent, and a few other random items.  It turned out that their supply of lean ground had been exhausted so we got what was left on our order and headed to the check-outs.

The Wal-Mart in Orangeburg is unlike most Wal-Marts in that there are no self-serve check-outs.  I don't know the specific reason for this but I'll hazard a guess by saying that they're probably worried installing them would "improve" the local crime rate.  Instead they rely totally on traditional cashiers.  One would expect, then, that since Wal-Mart is the primary retail outlet in a small town like Orangeburg that there would be enough cashiers to handle the volume of customers.  I also expect to find one-billion dollars in my living room when I wake up tomorrow morning - doesn't mean it's going to happen, now, does it?

We get to the front of the store and there are 4 registers open; two on the grocery side and two on the general merchandise side (none being of the "express" variety).  Each register had roughly 12-15 people in line, all with loaded buggies.  As we get in line, the cashier shouts in our direction for us to let people coming in know that she's closing down her register and that we'd be her last customers.  Why the task of relating bad news fell to us I can only blame on horribly poor timing on our part.  The thing about bad news is that it tends to put people into bad moods, and bad moods within groups of people tend to lead to things like the development of angry hordes complete with pitchforks and flaming torches.  We didn't incite a riot in doing as we were asked but we definitely added to the general feeling of frustration amongst the townsfolk.

With the store now down to three manned registers, we and the other customers continued stewing over our current situation.  It was around this point that we remembered another feature that seems to be unique to this particular Wal-Mart.  At every check-out there's a framed picture of a woman named Peggy who is the store's general manager with an attached note which states something along the lines of "If you are not satisfied with your experience at our store, please call and tell us about it."  And that's exactly what we did - we whipped out our cell phones and dialed the number on the note.  We were both put on hold but my wife did get to speak to a manager by the name of Bernadette.

Hello, my name Peggy - how may I offend you today?

My wife was agitated, obviously, and so was I, however she rather politely asked Bernadette why it was that the store only had 3 functioning check-outs given that there are so many customers to be processed.  Bernadette's response was:

"Well I was about to come up front and open another register but I had to stop and answer your phone call..."

My wife is blond with blue eyes, just over five feet tall with a sweet attitude - she's arguably one of the cutest little things you could ever hope to lay eyes on.  Be that as it may, after her encounter with Bernadette my wife took on the countenance of a rattlesnake that had just found out it was being audited by the IRS.  The transformation was a bit startling but not without merit as I wasn't very pleased about how things had sorted out either. (I never got to speak to Bernadette as she was apparently the only manager on duty and had other matters to attend to.)

We eventually did make it through the check-out.  Upon leaving the store, my loving, gentle, flower petal of a wife unleashed a tirade with content typically reserved for late night stand-up comics appearing on paid cable networks.  It wasn't intended to be funny but it was so out of character I found it hilarious.

Needless to say, neither of us were particularly happy with our retail experience which is why the next day I decided to make a follow-up call to our local Wal-Mart, hoping again to speak to Peggy.  Alas, Peggy was unavailable - this has lead me to believe that Peggy is not so much a "who" but rather a "what", meaning that she isn't a she at all but rather some machination of their corporate structure intended to give disgruntled customers a name and a face that is accessible in times like this.  Instead I was directed to another member of their managerial staff named Andrew Wolf, who was actually quite agreeable and helpful in listening to what I had to say about our ordeal.  He assured me that the matter would be looked into internally and offered to give us a $20 gift card for our troubles.

Money - distracting people from actual problems since the idea of money came into being...

Andrew had given me his cell phone number so I decided to call him to make sure he'd be around when I went to pick up the gift card.  I was on my lunch break when I contacted him and as it turned out he was taking his break at the same time.  He instructed me to go to the customer service desk and ask for another manager named Keith who would be able to assist me in his stead.  I went to customer service and asked for Keith - wouldn't you know it, Keith is on his lunch break too!  Funny thing was, after my initial request for aid several employees asked if I needed assistance as I was standing around the customer service area waiting for one of these phantom managers to materialize.  Several of them tried to use their radios in an attempt to contact Keith; apparently the matter warranted something resembling an all-points bulletin being put out on the guy - I appreciated their effort, regardless.

After about 30 minutes of waiting around and almost assuredly making several people feel uncomfortable (I guess a 6'3", 300 lb., 30-something male wearing business attire standing at the front of a Wal-Mart store is out of the ordinary?), Keith showed up, Sub-Way sandwich bag in hand.  It took him a few minutes to get his bearings as to what I was inquiring about.  He ducked off into what I assume was an accounting office behind the customer service area.  On his way there I noticed he stopped to ask one of the employees at the desk where another manager was.  The employee replied that the person he was looking for had left and this seemed to make Keith a bit agitated, leading me to believe that Peggy's grip on the reigns at this store isn't as tight as the home office would probably like for it to be.  Be that as it may, Keith emerged from the office a few minutes later with a gift card as well as a form for me to sign.  I'm guessing here but I take it the form is to circumvent people who might be attempting to fleece Wal-Mart out of their profitability by issuing multiple complaints to getting card after card.

Leaving the store that day with our gift card I couldn't help but think about how silly the whole situation was.  We, as modern consumerists, expect to have our immediate needs handled in such a way that any amount of delay is a problem.  I blame this here thing called the Internet, personally - damned thing is just too swift at delivering our every desire nowadays (28.8k 4 Life).  Patience, it seems, has gone the way of the Dodo.  But so too has the concept of customer service and most certainly the idea of a customer "always being right".  It seems to me that this level of resentment comes from people working in roles like that of a cashier who just plain hate their jobs and pass on that bitterness to their customers via general douchebaggery.  Take a note from someone who's been there - if you dislike your condition that much, don't take it out on people who had nothing to do with you getting stuck there.  Change takes effort, not gift cards.