Our Road to Building a Family - The Story So Far

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: My wife has done an auspiciously better job of detailing how far we've come in this process than I ever could in her own blog, The Truesdale Times, so please check it out as well - http://thetruesdaletimes.blogspot.com/]

"When are you going to have a baby?"

"You guys do want kids, right?"

"How much longer are you going to wait before you start a family?"

"You're going to be an old dad!"

I don't know that people understand how offensive or otherwise poorly timed their words can be. I can't count the number of instances where the questions above, or a variation on them, have been posed to my wife & I since we've been married. (I'm so jaded about it that I'm at a point where when I hear of a couple being pregnant, especially through some cutesy, staged announcement, my reaction is to smile and mutter a very sternly worded assault of their character, occasionally sprinkled with expletives, under my breath.) They've come from members of our family, friends, and people we barely know. The answer was always the same for us: "We've been trying - so whenever it happens, it happens." We were putting on a good face, as it were.

Except nothing happened. At least not what we were expecting to happen.

I've had a difficult time of convincing myself that I should write about this, mainly because it's a topic that involves some of the most painful realizations I've ever had to deal with. I wasn't sure I wanted to share those moments with anyone other than my wife, for various reasons all of which I'll leave to you, dear reader, to interpret for yourselves. Even so, I find that the path we're on now is one best not walked alone. For that reason, I am putting pen to paper - or finger to keyboard, as is actually the case - in an attempt to convey what I, we have been through in the process of building a family.

After my wife & I got married in May of 2010, we were living in a house in Orangeburg, South Carolina that I'd been renting since I moved into town back in February of 2008. It was a good bachelor pad and more than enough room for one person, but neither of us wanted to live there forever as we both had dreams of owning our own home, somewhere that we could settle into and enjoy as it would be ours, not just a space we happened to be inhabiting. My wife waited patiently as I asked her to give me two years to work on getting to a place financially where I felt like we'd have more stability. Truth be told, I had a plan in mind; first would come the house, then we would work on our family (not to say a baby wouldn't have been welcome before then, just that in my head that's the way it would've panned out best). Call it a blessing, clairvoyance, or just dumb luck but we closed on our house June 1, 2012.

So I needed an extra month. Sue me.

It was time to get down to business, and that became a problem for me.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here. Making love is awesome - or at least it should be. When it becomes a chore, you know something is wrong. And in my mind, when we were trying our hardest to get pregnant the whole thing lost its appeal. Sex had become not something we were doing for fun anymore, instead it was this thing we were doing because we had to and in my head that made it less desirable. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to my wife, it was the stress and the pressure from the mindset of, "Okay, we've got to get this done now...If it doesn't happen now, people are going to keep bugging us about it and even though we're never going to live up to their expectations we have to do this or else we've failed as a couple."

Notice the word failed there. I'm not afraid of many things. I'm old enough to have a sense of logic that affords me the comfort of being able to differentiate between what's worthy of fear and what isn't. Failure never has been kind enough to make itself so conveniently sorted. The fear of having done all that I could and still come up short has always haunted me, ever since I was a child. I had terrible stomach cramps when I was in college because I had put myself into a position of being incredibly fearful about whether or not I'd be able to perform (I'd say taking advanced courses in logic and mathematics would be enough to upset most people's stomachs). I still deal with it to this day. It's a debilitating feeling, trust me. People act surprised when I tell them about this because they say I don't have the outward expression of someone who's constantly tied in knots. I guess I've dealt with it long enough that I hide it well, or at least better than others.

That said, the fear of failing in this particular instance was getting to me, mainly because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was going wrong or how it could be remedied. My wife had been off of birth control for a while and we'd had no luck as of yet. She was doing all that she knew to do, going so far as to take prenatal vitamins and at-home ovulation tests (she even had an app on her tablet that was supposed to help predict when she'd be at her most fertile, for crying out loud). It dawned on the both of us that we were getting to a point where we would have to look into the possibility of there being medical reasons as to why we weren't seeing any results.

My parents got divorced when I was very young and the only father-figure I had growing up was my Grandfather. Unfortunately, he passed away when I was 12 and as I grew up there was a hole in my life that never quite got filled. I've made it known in previous blog entries that there was a point in time where I didn't believe in the concept of marriage and that I thought I'd never get married. I think the desire to be a father set upon me around the same time that I became mature enough to put away those beliefs. I knew in my mind that I wanted to give a child (or children) the sort of love, guidance and upbringing that I had but in a complete, whole family setting. It had become a dream, the desire to someday go out in public with pride while wearing one of those baby slings you see dads wearing - you know, the kind where the baby is more or less strapped to the guy's chest or back? I wanted to be that guy, in the worst way.

Jill and I finally did consult with a specialist regarding the issues we'd been having in trying to get pregnant, and it broke my heart when we found out that it would be all but impossible for us to conceive a child of our own.

We had picked out names for our children, one for a boy and one for a girl.

To have a dream taken from you is one of the most painful things a person can ever experience. The hurt from that news is still there, to this day. The questions, the wonder about why this happened to us, the urge to shake my fist at the sky and scream with every bit of anger I could possibly muster - all still there and probably not going away any time soon. (I am saddened by the many prospects that were dashed by this turn of events but what weighs most heavily on me now is that the bloodlines of our families will end with us. That's a medieval concept, I know. I've just not been able to shake the hurt from that.) But life goes on, with or without you, and so has our effort to build a family.

We have talked openly about the idea of adopting at least as long as we've been married. It wasn't a stretch for us to discuss that opportunity, what with my wife having a background in social work and several cousins who were adopted. However, I'll admit that I never thought we'd actually pursue it because I didn't think we'd have no other option when it came to growing our family. I know that could sound harsh but the reality of the matter is that adoption prior to now, in my mind, would've been an effort of last resort. As it would turn out, it was always our best option.

Around the end of September, we began the process of getting involved with an organization called Heartfelt Calling which is associated with the South Carolina Foster Parent Association and the South Carolina Department of Social Services. Prospective applicants have the option of being foster parents, foster-to-adopt, or adoptive parents and we at least for now have chosen to take the latter route. We received an application packet from them, which was just shy of the thickness of your average textbook. It goes without saying that the sort of information they gather on prospective adoptive parents is vast (a background check complete with fingerprints, financial reports, a floor plan of our home with an evacuation route, proof of our dog's vaccination records, etc.), and not all of it was necessarily the sort of data you'd expect to have to submit. Apparently it was vital that they know my cholesterol levels as I had to have blood work done in order to get every piece of information required for the application to be completed. As of this writing, I believe the only portions of the application that haven't been turned in are reference letters from a few of our friends (if you're reading this, and you know who you are, GET ON THE BALL).

The paperwork was tedious and time consuming, and so too have been the classes we've had to attend. There's an old joke about how some people should be forced to take a training course before they can be parents. As it turns out, in certain cases, that's exactly what you have to do. When talking about them, I've referred to the trio of classes we've attended as Parenting 101, 102, and 103. Combined, we wound up spending about 20-25 hours in a classroom setting. (None of the meetings we've had to attend have been nearby; even though we're closer to Columbia than Charleston, a majority of the sessions we've had to attend have been in the Low Country, meaning we've sacrificed our free time and put a good amount of miles on our vehicles these past few months as well.) Fortunately the classes weren't a pass/fail scenario as all we had to do was show up and participate in order to receive credit. They weren't so much curriculum-based in regard to teaching people how to be parents or even better parents; they were sessions geared towards preparing prospective foster or adoptive parents for the kind of children who find themselves in this system (kids with disabilities, who have been abused or neglected, or what have you) and the associated issues that they may encounter as a result of inviting such children into their home.

This process of completing paperwork and going to class is leading up to our eventually being licensed to serve as adoptive parents. There's another aspect to all of this which involves in-home inspections and home studies. Thus far we've worked with the local Department of Health and Environmental Control and we're waiting to be seen by the fire marshal as well as a home study to be conducted by DSS.

Prior to the DHEC inspection we went about making a series of changes to our home - "child-proofing", as it were. The cabinetry locks were simple to add as they slip over your existing knobs and handles, however let me be frank in saying that I highly doubt the people who design the drawer latches we purchased have ever had to install them. Those things were an absolute nightmare to get into place because the cabinets we have are made from material that evidently was never intended to be modified. We got them in, though, albeit not without the usage of a variety of colorful metaphors, as Spock would call them.

We emptied out the storage spaces underneath our kitchen and bathroom sinks, tossing out a fair amount of clutter in the process, then gathered together all of our cleaning supplies. Our laundry room is more like a closet than a room as it's situated in the main hallway of our home and features a set of double doors. A friend of mine had shared an article with me on life-hacks a few weeks prior and in it was an idea about using over-the-door shoe organizers to keep all your cleaning supplies together and in one place. This was a brilliant concept for us as we were able to use the organizers and that closet to effectively secure every cleaning product we have.

My wife and I came to the conclusion that the term "child-proofing" is an absolute misnomer. It doesn't matter how thorough you may be or how many precautions you may take, kids are going to hurt themselves because they don't know any better. That's not a bad thing, though. It's how they learn about the world around them. I did it, she did it, we've all done it - we're all still here and more or less intact. One has to hope, as a parent, that dropping a TV on their heads isn't part of the learning process.

We made sure to cover a few other random items before DHEC had their way with our home, such as verifying that the temperature of our hot water didn't exceed 120°, that the refrigerator was at an appropriate level of chill, and that our firearms were stored in locked containers away from their ammunition (because a gun purchased with the intent of being used as home defense is useful in that scenario). Our home has a septic tank and so the inspector would have to walk over it as well - I assume the idea there being that you're in the clear so long as they don't see a puddle of turds and toilet paper in your yard. We felt like we knew what to expect because we were working off of a cheat sheet that had been given to us as part of the applicant packet.

As I expected it would, the DHEC inspection went off without a hitch. (I will add that we did something of a mad-dash cleaning of the house the night before as we were running short on time with all we had going on the week of the inspection.) What can I say, I was confident in the work we'd done. By some odd turn of events, it happened that my wife and the inspector had been acquaintances in college as they were both students at Winthrop University. He was thorough, nevertheless, as he did all the things we had counted on and he even went so far as to check our window blinds in order to determine if they were a variety that could potentially contain toxic metals (that wasn't on the cheat sheet). We were in the clear all around, though, as he signed off on our home without encountering any potential issues.

At present, we need to work on getting a fire extinguisher (which has to be mounted to a wall in our kitchen - I'm not thrilled about that, to be honest) and a carbon monoxide detector as the next phase of this process will involve the fire marshal inspecting our home. I didn't mention this earlier, but part of the applicant packet was a worksheet wherein we had to submit measurements of the openings of our windows. I forget what the specification was but ours appeared to have been up to snuff. It wasn't explained to us as to why the windows needed to be a certain size. I assumed it was to insure they were adequate evacuation ports; this is true but as it turns out there's also a consideration here for whether or not a firefighter wearing SCUBA would be able to get in through that same space. That's an example of the kind of thing that wouldn't cross an average person's mind unless you're being made to endure a process like this.

To that end, it's rather mind-boggling to think about what we've been through so far. We've jumped through one hoop after another in order to confirm that we're fit to be parents whereas there are people in this world having babies every day who don't want them and won't love them. It doesn't seem fair, is what I'm getting at. I'm a natural cynic and I can't help but express these feelings.

Regardless, we are where we are and we know where we're going, and that's what we will continue to focus our efforts upon. Building a family, one day at a time.

A Movie That Actually Deserves to be Remade

Almost 2 years ago, I published an entry to my blog titled "Rise of the Planet of Silly Remakes" (which you can revisit by clicking here). In that edition, I more or less lambasted the film industry for its reliance upon remakes of previous works to sustain itself. It's been a trend of theirs for upwards of a decade now to take an aging property and put it in a shiny new wrapper in order to sell that product to a new generation of moviegoers. I continue to ask the question: Why do this? What's the point of overwriting an existing movie with an updated version? Is there something so wrong with those movies that they can't be left as is? What did they ever do to you, huh?

I targeted 2011's Rise of the Planet of the Apes specifically in that blog as it came off to me as being a terribly unnecessary effort seeing as how there had already been one attempt to relaunch the Planet of the Apes mythology ten years earlier with Tim Burton leading Mark Wahlberg into a film that some thought was okay but most felt was rather iffy at best. Burton's incarnation was strong, visually speaking, however the plot was convoluted as it involved concepts of religion versus science and the conclusion was an absolutely ridiculous try at recapturing the twist ending of the original film.

Here again I ask did the world really need either of these movies? No, it didn't, quite frankly, although I will admit that Andy Serkis' work in Rise is quite worthy of praise. There is a film from my childhood that could greatly benefit from a remake, though, as it is one that made significant use of computer generated imagery when that sort of technology was in its infancy. (Much like TRON, but the film I'm talking about believe it or not was released prior to Disney's tech-driven masterpiece.) With the kind of magic that modern artists can create using digital techniques, a director with enough passion to treat the project seriously, and a cast that's believable in their roles I feel like this could be an opportunity to create a true epic.

Hollywood, I humbly request that you remake - The Last Starfighter!

If you've never seen The Last Starfighter and you're in your late 20s to early 30s, I immediately want to question the quality of your childhood. I might go so far as to encourage you to call your parents and tell them they failed you, as a matter of fact.

For me, The Last Starfighter is a movie that is remarkable in that it represents the era of film making from which it came (meaning that it's still watchable even though the special effects aren't that fantastic compared to what's possible today) and because of the fact that it has all the makings of a great piece of science fiction. There were a handful of movies that came out around the same time as TLS in the mid-1980s that I, to this day, can sit down and watch with glee because they're just that awesome. TLS, Flight of the Navigator, Space Camp, Explorers - put me in front of a television with those films playing back to back and you can forget about me doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

The plot of The Last Starfighter revolves around a young man named Alex Rogan played by actor Lance Guest, who you may also know from such films as Halloween 2 and JAWS: The Revenge (I'm somewhat ashamed that I used to really like JAWS: The Revenge - I blame Michael Caine's small but poignant role in the movie for that). Alex is a small town teenager who lives in a trailer park with his Mom, Jane (Barbara Bosson) and younger brother, Louis (Chris Hebert). Alex is a handyman at the trailer park and because of his responsibilities to the tenants thereof he doesn't have the most superlative social life. When he's not working or at home with his family, he spends most of his free time either with his girlfriend Maggie (Catherine Mary Stewart) or playing an arcade game called Starfighter. Alex has become tremendously skilled at the game - his abilities have not gone unnoticed by the population of the trailer park, and a few other folks who aren't exactly locals have taken note as well.

As it turns out, Starfighter is actually a testing platform deployed by an alliance of alien races known as the Rylan Star League whose base of operations exists on their home world of Rylos. It's purpose is to identify any nearby players who may be qualified to pilot Gunstars - think an F-14 Tomcat fighter jet but intended for use in outer space. The Rylans are engaged in war with the Ko-Dan Empire; they've heretofore relied upon a defensive array of satellites which they refer to as the Frontier in order to protect themselves from the Ko-Dan armada. The Ko-Dan are being aided by Xur, a Rylan traitor who has given the Ko-Dan a means to circumvent the Frontier thereby endangering all of Rylos and its inhabitants.

Having displayed great aptitude while playing Starfighter, Alex is recruited by the Star League. At first Alex is reluctant to accept the great burden that's been put upon him - it isn't until his family are attacked by a shape-shifting Ko-Dan assassin that he realizes if these evil forces aren't stopped now it will only be a matter of time before they make their way to Earth.

There were two major problems with The Last Starfighter, as I see it: 1) Filmmaking technology of the time didn't allow for a fully realized interpretation of the story, and 2) there wasn't enough effort put into making the audience care about the Rylans. The former is something that can easily be remedied these days seeing as how I think most Art Institute students are required to do a project involving spaceships and various planetoids during the first semester of their freshman year. This is the sort of thing that's old bag by now, is what I mean to say, and what's more I don't think there's a whole lot that needs to be done in the way of re-imagining the Gunstar or the Ko-Dan armada. The designs themselves are unique enough to still be workable, but that's not to say that they couldn't use a little "beefing up" in order to take advantage of the kind of graphical rendering engines in use by Hollywood now.

An updated interpretation of a Gunstar

Regarding the Rylan's and the fact that I, for one, never truly cared all that much about them as a kid watching The Last Starfighter, I don't feel as though there was an occasion where we as an audience see how genuinely evil the Ko-Dan are. We're spectators to the action, meaning we need a visible and hopefully obvious reason to dislike a villain. We never get that in the original version of the film - for that matter, it isn't until the Ko-Dan show up on Earth that Alex, the would-be hero of the Frontier, seems to care all that much about what happens on Rylos. That's kind of a dick move (I will say that the Rylan's didn't exactly inspire Alex to join their cause by chanting "VICTORY OR DEATH!" as he and the other Gunstar crew members are being briefed), but it's not his fault that the movie was written the way that it was.

Casting this remake is the real challenge as there are several roles within this mythology that require younger players and quite frankly I'm not all that up on the who's who amongst the youth of Hollywood. That said, here's my ideal cast for a remake of The Last Starfighter.

Alex Rogan - Josh Hutcherson

Most avid movie-watchers will recognize Josh Hutcherson from his role as Peeta in the Hunger Games, a franchise which is as hot as any. His involvement there will no doubt secure him a position of adulation from fans of the series and create an opportunity for him to go on to bigger roles in the future, roles where he'll be the lead and not a supporting character.

He's an ideal choice for the part. He's the right age and he has that classic, all-American look about him in that he's handsome but without the overbearingly good looks of a model.

The issue that I can see erupting from attempting to cast Josh as Alex is the notion that he may not, as an artist, want to dedicate himself to the realm of science fiction by getting involved with another project that could potentially grow into two or three pictures. He may want to delve into more dramatic waters and I can certainly understand that. It doesn't seem like he's quite to that point yet, though, seeing as how he's been willingly attached to the Journey to the Center of the Earth series for the better part of a decade. Getting on board with this production of The Last Starfighter would be a big step up from that and a great shot for him to show his range as a potential leading man.

Maggie Gordon - Anna Kendrick

Have you ever watched a movie that you thought you were going to hate only to come away from it having thoroughly enjoyed the experience? That was me after having watched the 2012 musical comedy Pitch Perfect - a film about rival glee clubs at a university competing for notoriety and, of course, love. Anna Kendrick starred in that movie and I've been a fan of hers ever since.

The role of Maggie isn't a terribly involved one, or at least it wasn't in the original version of TLS. She was more or less an area of concern for Beta Alex, which was a robotic clone of Alex left behind by the Rylans that was intended to keep his family and friends from realizing the real Alex was gone.

If you ask me (and you inadvertently did by starting to read this blog), Kendrick is ideal for this role as it would get her out of the realm of musicals and into something with a greater scope. In this version of TLS, I'd like to see her part highlighted by increased involvement in some way. The trick is getting around a premise of the plot which really leads into the potentiality for there to be more than just one film here seeing as how the original version of TLS ends (*SPOILER ALERT*) with Alex and Maggie flying off into the twilight in a Gunstar bound for Rylos, which is still in need of defending.

Lord Kril - Ron Perlman

I don't know anyone who doesn't dig Ron Perlman. The guy is the quintessential dual-threat as he has been blessed with amazing acting abilities but also one of the most recognizable and commanding voices in Hollywood. Add to those the fact that he doesn't seem to mind roles requiring intensive make-up effects and you've got precisely the man need to play Lord Kril.

In the original version of TLS, Lord Kril doesn't do much other than stand around at a command module and look imposing. That's kind of the Ko-Dan as a whole, to be frank - you never see them doing much other than laboring away at their individual stations (although I guess that makes sense since they're a fleet instead of ground-based). That would change in my version of TLS as the Ko-Dan should be a genuinely frightening example of what an intergalactic alien military force could be, and Kril should be the absolute worst of them. Not in a sense that he's a slimy, misshapen creature, rather that he's an ugly, intense, intelligent, and driven being whose black heart (assuming the Ko-Dan have hearts, that is) is filled with the need to lay waste to those who would refuse to bow down to his might.

Perlman has the perfect combination of an already imposing look with the added bonus of being able to rattle the windows with his one-of-a-kind voice. Get him into some updated make-up for Kril (I prefer practical make-up as opposed to trying to do the character with CGI) and he'll be ready to go to the set.

Centauri - Jeffrey Dean Morgan

I am somewhat embarassed to admit that I tend to get JDM confused with Javier Bardem. They do have a resemblance to one another, you have to admit.

Regardless of my cognitive issues, Morgan is my pick for Centauri because of the fact that I would want to reconfigure the character so that he's more of a covert agent of Rylos, for lack of a better descriptor. I can see him getting involved in some grittier action with K-Dan assassins than his predecessor Robert Preston did (who was 66 years old when TLS was released; sadly, he would pass away a mere 3 years later after having developed lung cancer), and being able to pull off the physical aspects of the role thanks to his size and physique. While Centauri isn't necessarily the leader of the Rylans, in my mind for the sake of the story he's Lord Kril's foil in terms of being the Batman to his Joker, if you catch my meaning.

Morgan has established himself as being able to handle this kind of work thanks to his being involved with The Losers, a movie I got a real kick out of and have always thought was under-appreciated. People know him from Grey's Anatomy and various other TV projects, but in the realm of geek-dom he's most loved for having brought life to the Comedian, an essential character in The Watchmen.

Grig - Simon Pegg

I, like a lot of other folks, have been a huge fan of Simon Pegg ever since he and Nick Frost graced the screen together as a bumbling pair of English guys trying to survive the zombie apocalypse in Shaun of the Dead. Pegg has such a unique comedic delivery and a fantastic ability to emote - he's the only one I'd want playing Grig, a reptilian alien who's an engineer responsible for maintaining the vital systems on board the Gunstar he and Alex will be piloting. He's the R2D2 of TLS, if you will.

Grig is the kind of character that most studios would likely want to produce using CGI. I feel like a broken record here, but I think CGI would be a real waste of talent in regard to Pegg seeing as how his capability to breathe life into the character would be removed by way of not physically being involved. I don't want him for his voice, I want him because I want him to be Grig.

I have to take a moment to mention actor Dan O'Herlihy, who played Grig in the original TLS. O'Herlihy isn't a household name but he's been in a handful of movies that count among some of my favorites, those being The Last Starfighter and RoboCop 1 & 2. He also has the distinction of having been in Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, a movie that gets brought up all the time as being one of the worst horror films ever made. It had nothing to do with Michael Myers, so in the realm of that franchise you've got 1, 2, 3 which is completely irrelevant to everything else Halloween, 4, 5, and what have you. It made no sense whatsoever, other than to try and take advantage of the Halloween name.

Xur - Benedict Cumberbatch

In terms of actors who reached "flavor of the week" status in 2013, Benedict Cumberbatch was close to the top of the list. His breakout performance as Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness was an astounding piece of work as he managed to do what few thespians tasked with handling the role of a villain can do, that being make the audience understand his inspirations thereby creating an antagonist who is identifiable and sympathetic but still terrifying.

Much like Heath Ledger did with his brilliant work as the Joker in The Dark Knight, Cumberbatch made moviegoers be at times more interested in the charismatic villain than they were in the heroes of the cast. Having said that, I don't want him to do that with Xur - quite the contrary, as a matter of fact. Xur is the kind of guy who is desperate for power and he's willing to do anything up to and including exterminating his own home world to get it. He's a slimy, backstabbing curse upon those who would've otherwise been his friends and family, all because of the fact that in his mind he should be the one running the show.

Much like the praise I gave to Ron Perlman earlier in this piece, Cumberbatch is worthy of recognition for his vocal abilities. His voice has a lot in common with that of Jeremy Irons, to my ears. This is the sort of God-given talent that you just can't develop and it adds so much to his repertoire as a performer.

An aspect of The Last Starfighter that I have always adored is the score. TLS was made at a point in time where composers like John Williams were crafting iconic themes for movies such as Star Wars and Indiana Jones. In that same vein is the work of Craig Safan who has the distinction, in my eyes, of having been essentially a one-hit wonder when it comes to his career of making music for movies. He turned in a real masterpiece for TLS in delivering as classic a theme as any and has more or less done nothing else all that worthy of note since then. With that in mind, I do not think there's much that could be done in trying to improve what he's already assembled other than to refresh the arrangement. No, that doesn't mean translating it over to dub step - that would be the antithesis of what I'm trying to accomplish here. All I'm looking for is a modern take on the theme.

It goes without saying that I think this has the makings of a real hit. (Of course, I'm biased, but if ever there was an arena where cheering on the home team is to be expected it's here within the confines of my own blog!) To me, The Last Starfighter deserves a second chance - not to say that the original film is bad, rather that it could be better than it is without necessarily disposing of what's come before. There's a certain amount of hero worship in this, you see, because people like me care enough about the source material to want new eyes to see it just with a clearer sense of vision and a renewed purpose.