Our Voyage to the Western Caribbean (Part 2)

11-13-11 (Sunday): It takes almost two days travel to reach the Western Caribbean from our point of origin along the Eastern coast of Florida (for those of you who aren’t exactly up to speed when it comes to the geography of Central America).  This being the case, there would be two occasions on this particular cruise where we would not be pulling into port.  Carnival refers to these moments as Fun Days at Sea as they provide travelers an opportunity to roam about the ship and enjoy all that it has to offer (read, spend money as much money as possible).

Our first Fun Day at Sea began bright and early, for which I can certainly be blamed.  I never can bring myself to sleep in anymore, or so it seems, apparently not even whilst we’re on vacation (“My mind is a raging torrent…” as Hedley Lamarr once said).  We were up around 7:30 AM and once we’d gotten ready we decided to have breakfast in the dining room.  The dining rooms aren’t always open for breakfast or lunch (lido deck is usually the place to be for morning fare), which is why we wanted to take the time to enjoy a meal there at that time of day.

Sunrise while cruising in the Western Caribbean.

Jill and I both turned off our cell phones when we boarded the ship (cellular service – as well as WiFi – is available at sea and in the ports of call we’d be visiting, however we saw no point in paying the ridiculous rates required to maintain connectivity to a network).  We had absolutely no desire whatsoever to be bothered by things that might have been going on back home and especially not with the goings on of our individual workplaces.  Why then it was that for breakfast we managed to be seated at a table with two men who engaged in a struggle to one-up each other with their respective life stories and career paths is beyond me.  By the time Jill and I were finished eating they were still yapping away at one another, trading yarns about how much money they’d made (and subsequently lost on one venture or another) – for all I know they may still be at it.

After breakfast, we wandered onto the promenade deck.  Promenade is an interesting place in that it’s a focal point of the ship, similar to lido deck.  There are a number of specialty restaurants and lounges on this deck and the casino is also located therein (yes, much like in Las Vegas you will see people pulling on those “one armed bandits” all hours of the day).  The portion of promenade on the Carnival Dream that extends outside features several saunas and a walking track that allows guests to circumnavigate the entire boat.

Reverend Charles Stanley, presiding over his...Constituents.

While we were walking around outside, Jill and I came upon a gigantic chess board, so of course I took the opportunity to challenge her to a game, fully aware of the fact that she’d never played chess before (truth be told, I hadn’t played in ages either and this was proven by my having set the board up incorrectly by getting the positioning of the knights and bishops backwards).  We began the game and I instructed Jill as to the movements of each piece and the objective of the game as we went along; it wasn’t a serious contest by any means as I wanted her to have fun with the experience.

Balcony staterooms on the upper decks have a direct view of promenade’s exterior portion, so it wasn’t long before Jill and I found ourselves performing for an audience.  On top of that, two young boys from Guatemala joined in our game.  One of them spoke English rather well, conveniently enough.  It happened that he was fairly skilled in the game of chess and he began directing Jill on what to do.  It wasn’t long before I found myself playing without much more than my queen, a pawn, and a bishop (which, to put it in terms of football, is like trying to run an offense with nothing but your starting quarterback’s mom, a punter, and a ball boy).  Suffice to say that it bruised my ego to have been bested by my wife and a 10 year old (I’m pretty sure I could’ve taken him if we were playing HALO, though).  After the game, we retired to the lido deck for cones of soft-serve iced cream before returning to our stateroom for an afternoon of pure laziness.

Jill receiving strategic advice from her instructor, who she named Pedro.

That evening would be the first of two elegant nights aboard the Dream.  As you might expect, elegant nights are those where guests are encouraged to wear formal attire – suits, gowns, and the like.  Personally speaking, I happen to loathe this type of dress, not only because it is incredibly uncomfortable but also because it serves no function whatsoever (other than to make me uncomfortable, that is).  Be that as it may, I’ve been told that I clean up well and it goes without saying that my wife is a real looker all the time but especially so when she’s all dolled-up.

As an aside to my commentary on the matter of formalwear, I’d like to mention Leonardo, our stateroom steward, who did an excellent job in handling our laundry. (I was quick to point out to Jill how awesome it was to have a steward named after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.) Leo, as I began referring to him, was a great help to us on several occasions.  I can point to his near constant presence as evidence that the folks who work to service quests on these boats earn their keep.

Photo opportunities are frequent on these boats as Carnival employs a small army of photographers and they are especially active on formal nights.  Guests can have their picture taken as often as they’d like however the photos aren’t included in the price of your cruise as there’s an additional charge per photo if you choose to purchase them (there’s no obligation to buy any of them, though). Photos are such a big deal that there’s an entire section of one deck encircling the grand atrium which is essentially nothing but a gigantic display wall where you may check out your photos before buying them.  Jill and I stopped at many of the paparazzi stations as we were on our way to dinner that evening; we weren’t necessarily planning on buying any of them but we don’t have professional photos done very frequently so we figured why not take advantage of the chance.

I'll never know what a beast like me did to earn a beauty like her.

As we entered the dining room and made our way to our table we noticed that our tablemates were already there!  Kevin and Kelly Gaines, a young couple similar to us in age; no surprise there as I’m certain that sort of thing goes into the maître d’s decision-making process when determining who gets seated where.  We exchanged pleasantries, introduced ourselves, and allowed the conversation to flow where it may.  Fortunately they are not socially awkward people as we got along well and enjoyed dining together throughout the week.

There is a wealth of entertainment options to be enjoyed during the evening hours and it’s quite easy to find something to keep you rolling into the wee hours of the day whether your tastes gravitate towards the mild or the wild.  For example, if high-energy dance music is your thing there are several clubs on board the Dream that specialize in specifically that in the form of Club O2 and Caliente.  On the other hand, if you prefer the sounds of someone tickling the ivories there’s Sam’s Piano Bar.  The casino is always an active place where you can get your fix of everything from Texas hold ‘em to penny slots.  The Dream is one of several Carnival boats to offer movie nights where recent releases are shown on a gigantic screen set above the main pool on lido deck (NFL football was the order of the day on Sunday and Monday nights).  For Jill and I, the places to be in the evenings were the Encore Theater and the Punchliner Comedy Club.

The Encore Theater is, as the name would indicate, a full-scale performance space complete with an orchestra pit, sound and lighting equipment, and everything else you would expect in a theater based on land. (It bears stating here that throughout the week I continuously marveled at the fact that we were inside a boat and not some gigantic building.) The show Sunday evening was a tribute to Motown; while I’ll admit that rhythm and blues isn’t exactly my favorite genre of music (there was no tribute to heavy metal, sadly), you have to admire the skill of those involved with productions like this.  I have trouble walking and chewing bubble gum at the same time, which is why the prospect of singing while remembering choreography seems impossibly complicated.

After the show we walked the length of the boat, all the way down to the Punchliner Comedy Club.  To me, the Punchliner was one of the most comfortable spaces we’d visit on the Dream.  I can’t pinpoint specifically what it was that made me feel this way, there was just something soothing to me about it.  The room is dimly lit but colored with shades of deep red – garnet, crimson, and what have you – and is adorned with a multitude of court jester masks (appropriate, considering the theme).  Hosting events in the Punchliner was a Dream staffer who was known simply as Jeff the Fun Dude.  Every night JFD would introduce the headlining comedian and also do a short opening bit to warm up the crowd.  The headliner this evening was comedian Hal Spear whose claim to fame is having been a writer for the improvisational comedy TV show “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”.  His set was indicative of this as most of it centered around his ability to poke fun at situations that developed during his performance where he’d interact with the audience.  His was a fun show and probably the best comedic performance we’d see all week.

The view from our table inside the Punchliner Comedy Club.

We’d had a full day at sea and by this time of night we were ready for some rest, for tomorrow we’d be in Cozumel, Mexico!

11-14-11 (Monday): I woke up before I was hoping to yet again this particular morning, but I can’t say that I don’t appreciate having done so because if I hadn’t I might have missed our arrival to Cozumel.  I truly cannot say enough about how great the balcony staterooms are in providing such picturesque views – not only was seeing the sunrise each morning a beautiful event to behold but witnessing our approaches to the various ports of call were captivating.  Seeing these new lands was like discovering something wholly new and exciting.

After getting ourselves together we headed up to lido for breakfast.  It is fully within reason that a person might gain 20 pounds or more while on a cruise and this breakfast was proof as to why it could happen.  I had a plate loaded to the gills with sausages (which were labeled on the buffet as being “bangers and mash” – I’m pretty sure whoever made that sign didn’t know what bangers and mash actually is), bacon, ham, hashbrowns, and scrambled eggs along with a steaming bowl of grits which I’d loaded up with butter and salsa (I grew up eating tomato with my grits and the salsa is a natural extension of that, I think).  To say it was a satisfying feast would be a terrible understatement of just how happy my stomach was afterwards.

Jill and I scheduled several shore excursions for this cruise and we’d be taking one titled “Salsa & Salsa” during our stop in Cozumel.  Shore excursions are pre-planned events arranged through Carnival which cruisers may choose to participate in (they aren’t included in the baseline price of your cruise) however they are conducted by local companies, not Carnival.  Guests can make private bookings on their own through tour agencies, but there’s risk involved with doing so.  These boats operate on tight schedules and while they do allow travelers time to wander and explore at each port they will not wait around for stragglers.  That said, the danger in making private arrangements is that if your return to the boat is delayed you may find yourself also making private arrangements back home.  This isn’t the case with shore excursions booked through Carnival as they provide secure transport to and from the event, and also offer the assurance that you will not be left behind should delays occur.

Having been to Cozumel previously, Jill let me know in advance that before we entered the city we’d first have to pass through a mall filled with tax and duty free items – it was a long line of shops that sold liquor, cigarettes, and random other novelties on the cheap, in other words. (As a word of advice to the untraveled, you can buy a certain volume of booze without paying tax while on cruises however the bottles will be confiscated upon your return to the boat; they will not be returned to you until you are back at your point of origin at which time you may be required to pay taxes on them if you’ve bought more than you’re allotted.) It was a scene of somewhat controlled chaos inside the mall with people moving in steady procession through the space.  We didn’t stop and look at many of the items therein, mainly because we were more interested in making our way into Cozumel than we were with the wares offered on the pier.

Inside the duty free shops of Cozumel.

Low and behold, what was waiting for us on the other side of the mall was none other than more shops, albeit ones offering a greater variety of trinkets, souvenirs, and assorted other items sure to grasp the attention of tourists with heavy wallets (or at least high spending limits on their credit cards).  We spent some time browsing the stores before meeting up with the other members of our tour group.  There was much in the way of pottery and ceramics along with some pieces of woodwork that I found interesting in that it all seemed to be hand-crafted yet still mass-produced which, in my mind, took away from the uniqueness of the items.  Even so, there was an amazing assortment, and I found myself tickled at the fact that quite a few of the souvenirs were of an adult nature – nothing too incredibly vulgar or obscene, but suffice to say that if you’re a parent you may want to avoid certain of these shops when travelling with your children else you might find yourself having to answer questions about things you aren’t yet prepared to explain.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a big fan of professional wrestling, which happens to be quite popular in Mexico and across a majority of Latin America.  There, it’s referred to as Lucha Libre and is a much different style of wrestling than what fans are accustomed to in the United States.  Grapplers in Mexico quite often wrestle while wearing masks and these masks become their identity.  Fittingly enough, it happened that one of the shops we visited in Cozumel had a sprawling collection of masks worn by Mexican wrestlers – I bought two of them for $20.

Lucha Libre masks for sale in Cozumel - there were many more of them!

Before long it was time to leave for our excursion, so we made our way back to the rallying point near the pier.  Our group for this tour would be a small one, just seven guests including Jill and myself.  We were taken by passenger vans from the area near port to the Hotel Cozumel, a posh resort located right on the ocean and known for its three-dolphin logo. (The ride from was an interesting one in that we discovered quickly that the area near the pier had definitely been “dolled-up”, for lack of a better phrase; I don’t mean to say that the city is a wretched hive by any means but the façades rapidly faded once we were away from the area nearest the port.) Once there, we were introduced to our instructors who would be teaching us how to make several different types of salsa and then later how to dance the salsa – I wasn’t exactly sure how the latter part of the plan was going to work out seeing as how “free-flowing margaritas” were a major selling point for this excursion.  We were taught how to make traditional salsas and guacamole using a molcajete (pronounced like “molk-a-het-aye”), which is essentially a mortar and pestle.  The highlight of the culinary portion of the excursion for me had to be the desert salsa which was served with what was the most amazing vanilla iced cream I’ve ever had.  I know it’s odd to be enamored with something so seemingly pedestrian as vanilla iced cream, but it had such a rich, creamy vanilla flavor!  Overall, our time with the dancing chefs of Salsa & Salsa was a lot of fun and a very exceptional experience.  I can’t say that I can dance any better now than I could before we left for the cruise, but I do think I can make a pretty tasty bowl of salsa.

Jill and I with our Salsa & Salsa group, and our instructors Leonie and Alexis.

We bounced around a few more shops before walking back through the duty free mall on our way to the boat.  We had a better chance to look around the joint then as there weren’t the better part of 4,000 people trying to get through it all at once.

Dinner that evening was a more casual affair than it had been the night previous as we could dress-down and be more comfortable but still somewhat dressy.  We had a good time recounting the day’s events with our tablemates who’d ventured farther into the city for a shopping trip (they had an advantage over us in that Kelly speaks Spanish; if I had it to do over again I’d have taken Spanish in high school instead of 3 years of French – probably the most useless courses I ever took, and that’s saying a lot considering the kinds of math I’ve studied).  After the meal, we went back to the room for a little while to change clothes and allow Jill a chance to rest her head. (It appeared as though someone might have had a little much tequila during the day…) She felt well enough to go to the photo wall with me and look at what we’d taken the night before but she opted out of going to the Punchliner with me.  I capped off the evening by sitting in the bar of the casino to watch part of the NFL game (they’ll air programming like the game in question around different areas of the boat but not in passenger staterooms where the TVs carry about a dozen channels, 8 of which are informational loops reporting data pertaining to the ship) before going to the comedy club for a few laughs.

When I returned to our stateroom, I found a note Jill had left for me with her breakfast order to be left for room service.  We’d both need sustenance in the morning as we would be arriving in Belize for another early day and one of the greatest adventures of our lives.

Our Voyage to the Western Caribbean (Part 1)

Well before my wife and I got married but after I'd asked for her hand, I made a promise to her that our life together would be an adventure.  I'd like to think it's lived up to that guarantee thus far.

We began the process of putting our vacation together more than a year ago.  If you didn't know, when booking a cruise it's much better to do so as far in advance as possible seeing as how the cruise lines raise their rates as the date of departure nears.  We wanted to have this trip serve as a follow up to our honeymoon, almost as if we were turning going on a cruise into an annual event, but we knew that we wouldn't be able to take the trip so close to our anniversary (which is in May) seeing as how we'd both be using up a majority of our vacation time for our yearly trek to Myrtle Beach in June.  Our sights were set on sailing to the Western Caribbean but the potential perils of hurricane season weighed heavily on our minds when looking at cruise itineraries in that part of the world, which is why we decided November would be as good a time of year as any.  We'd sailed on the Carnival Sensation for our honeymoon; the Sensation is a great boat and one with a fairly interesting history (it was loaned to the government in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina for use as a refuge for people who'd been displaced by the storm and then put through a complete refit thereafter) but I wanted to experience one of the bigger, more modern vessels in Carnival's fleet.  Our honeymoon was also a fairly short trip, a 4-day jaunt to the Bahamas, and I was desiring something more lengthy.  All factors having been considered, we booked a 7-day cruise on board the Carnival Dream - one of Carnival's newest and largest ships - with stops in port at Cozumel, Belize, Isla Roatan, and Costa Maya.

To say that the weeks and months leading up to the cruise were somewhat agonizing would be an understatement.  Every so often we would remind each other of the fact that our trip was inching its way ever nearer, dangling out in front of us like a carrot - only this wasn't a carrot, this was more like a porterhouse steak cooked to perfection and served with all the trimmings. (It's fitting that I use a food analogy in this context because Jill and I have noticed that when we plot our vacations it invariably turns out that much of them are centered around things we want to eat or visiting restaurants we want to experience.) When we were less than a month away from setting sail, the both of us were just about as giddy as I can ever remember having been.  We normally take a few small trips throughout the year but we hadn't been anywhere this year since our Myrtle Beach trip, which meant we'd essentially been cooped up at home for nearly six months.  Suffice to say that we were chomping at the bit to get out on the road again.

This was the fortune I received from Red Bowl Asian Bistro the night before we left.

As I've detailed previously, packing for this trip was a definite challenge or at least it was for me.  I hadn't considered the logistics of wrangling enough clothes for a 7-day voyage that includes several formal occasions when we were booking this trip.  Fortunately, my bags had enough give to them that I was able to get everything packed but they couldn't save me from a bit of lighthearted ridicule from my wife who managed to only need one suitcase (which should count as at least 2 because her suitcase is only slightly smaller than a Smart Car) whereas I had two suitcases plus a duffel bag and my backpack.  I wound up bringing way more clothes than I would need, but as the old saying goes I'd sooner have had it and not needed it than needed it and not had it.

Our vacation began the morning of November 11, 2011 - Veterans Day.

11-11-11 (Friday): It finally hit me that we were about to leave for a trip to Mexico as I was loading our luggage into the car.  Loading luggage being the point where the rubber meets the road, as it were, when it comes to fantasies of a vacation materializing into something much more substantive.  What would we do, what would we see, who would we meet, and so many other questions danced around in my head, all swirling about each other with excitement over getting the opportunity to do something so unique as this.

When planning for our honeymoon last year, I knew we wouldn't be able to make the entire drive from South Carolina to Florida the day of our wedding as we would be getting married in the afternoon and would most certainly have much revelry to enjoy before departing.  That being the case, I looked for an oasis along the route which would allow us an opportunity to get some rest.  I found such a spot in the form of Kingsland, Georgia - pretty much the last town in the peach state you encounter traveling south on I-95 before entering Florida.

We stopped for lunch at a Cracker Barrel not far from Savannah.  Cracker Barrel might have been an odd choice for a first date, but their location in Orangeburg was where Jill and I first met and for this reason those restaurants will always be special to us.  The meal was quite tasty, however the real treat from our stop there was when I validated my genius-level IQ via the golf tee peg board game featured on each table in every Cracker Barrel.

Straight up skills, yo...

There are many hotels and restaurants around Kingsland as the town has definitely seized the chance to welcome road-weary travelers.  For our honeymoon, we'd stayed at a Best Western and I think I'll always remember the process of checking into that hotel well after midnight while standing in line with many other folks who were closer to being asleep than they were awake (the other resounding memory from that night being Jill's struggle to remove all the make-up and hairspray that had been put on her).  This time through we stayed at a Days Inn which was modestly priced and adequate for our needs but not nearly as nice as the Best Western.

After checking in, we kicked back and relaxed for a few hours.  When dinner-time rolled around I had it in mind that I wanted to try a local restaurant instead of a chain.  I had looked up several potentials before we'd left home; we narrowed down our search by glancing over the local Yellow Pages and had it in mind to try the Bonzai Japanese Steakhouse.  To say that Jill was apprehensive about dining there after we arrived would be selling short her reaction.  Truth be told, it was dark and the decor outside the restaurant wasn't all that inviting but the parking lot was somewhat full (although that could've been attributable to the fact that several other restaurants were adjacent to Bonzai).  We road by a few other restaurants - all chains - and most of them appeared to be near capacity which was no surprise given it was a Friday evening.

Somewhat begrudgingly, Jill agreed to eat at Bonzai after all.  From her hesitance to get out of the car, you'd have thought she was under the impression I was leading her into some kind of den of horrors.  Fortunately, this meal would be one of the more memorable dining experiences (for good reasons) of the entire trip.  The interior of the restaurant was nothing like the outside; very brightly lit and welcoming, albeit somewhat cramped (I'll admit that isn't an unbiased statement seeing as how a space that cramps a person my size would be perfectly comfortable for most people).  The food was quite good and our chef was entertaining with his constant-yet-mostly-unintelligible banter ("Yummy, yummy, woo-hoo!" is about all I could make out).  After the meal we picked up a few more doses of Dramamine as I wasn't sure if we had enough (we did) then returned to our room to get a good night's rest.

11-12-11 (Saturday): I didn't sleep all that well, ironically enough.  Chalk it up to excitement or to my body not being accustomed to the strange bed I'd put it in.  On top of that, when setting the alarm clock the night before I somehow managed to change the time on the device so instead of waking up at 6:30 AM like we'd planned I woke us up at (drum roll, if you will) 5:30 AM!  This wasn't that bad, though, as it gave us plenty of time to gather ourselves and have breakfast (the continental breakfast Days Inn was serving didn't look all that appetizing - besides, there was a Shoney's directly in front of the hotel and their breakfast buffet is too enticing to pass up; the wait staff at this particular location were excellent and amazingly up-beat for being at work so early in the morning) before setting off on the final leg of our drive to Port Canaveral.

Kingsland, GA is around 3 miles from the Florida state line which meant we weren't on the road long before we were stopping, this time at the Florida visitors welcome center.  I have so many fond memories of this welcome center, odd as that may seem.  When I was growing up, my family came to Florida almost every summer and we would always stop at the welcome center to have a cup of fresh orange or grapefruit juice and to pick up a slew of brochures (I kid you not when I say we would easily fill up a grocery bag with those things).  The place hasn't changed much since I was a child - they're still serving juice (I had two cups this time through, one grapefruit and one orange) and the walls of brochures are as vibrantly colored as ever.

Double-fisting juices - grapefruit in one hand, orange in the other

To me, navigating through Jacksonville is the only tricky part about getting to Port Canaveral.  Notice that I said "through" and not "around" as you do have an option since there is a bypass available to those not wanting to take a direct route.  We were on something of a tight schedule which is why we'd be taking the straightest path, right through the center of Jacksonville.  There are so many interchanges, off-ramps, on-ramps, and random other potential bottlenecks to this stretch of road that I would probably decline the chance to live or work there if I had to use it for transportation every day.  From the sky, I'm sure that the highways going through that city have to look like a bundle of serpents writhing around each other.  Thankfully, there is ample signage to assist motorists; between them and our handy GPS, it wasn't too difficult of a segment.

The approach to Port Canaveral is a real treat for me because it's within a stone's throw of Cape Canaveral, site of NASA's Kennedy Space Center.  You can see many of the buildings making up the complex from the road, but it would turn out that we'd have a much better view of them later on in the day.

As we neared the port we could see several cruise ships sitting out on the water like great behemoths of the sea.  It's amazing to see craft as large as these - trust me when I say that they get a whole lot bigger the closer you are to them!  They truly are "nautical cities" and for someone like myself who marvels at feats of engineering it is astounding to consider all that goes into operating and maintaining these vessels.  I'd love to someday see what all goes on behind the scenes as I'm sure it's fascinating.

Our home away from home for the next 7 days, the Carnival Dream

We'd gotten turned around last year when entering the port as our directions weren't as effective as I'd hope they'd be (signage near the port wasn't all that helpful either), however we had no such issues this year.  Of course, the fact that we could very clearly see where our boat was docked helped - the Carnival Dream is one of the larger boats in port at Canaveral, after all, so it wasn't difficult to spot.  We just had to find our way to it, which was easy enough as the route into the parking lot and embarkation area is clearly marked.  After dropping off our luggage with the porters, we were able to park the car less than 50 yards away from the ship, an ideal scenario seeing as how we'd be carrying the luggage we'd just deposited upon our return.

Getting through security checkpoints when entering a cruise ship is not unlike the process of boarding an airplane - well, I take that back because while Homeland Security is present there are no body scanners, no pat-downs, and no limitations on how much shampoo you can bring with you (not that you need to bring any as the stateroom showers on Carnival boats come stocked with plenty of shampoo and shower gel).  It's a tedious process but only because of the shear volume of travelers to be processed.  Similarly, guest check-in can feel like it's taking forever but the truth of it is that patience is the order of the day when it comes to embarkation.  The whole ordeal took less than an hour, all totaled, which is impressive.

An aside to the check-in process is a personal story about Carnival's sign and sail cards.  The sign and sail card is an all-purpose device as it functions as your room key, identification, and is linked to your on-board spending account (you don't use cash or credit/debit cards on these boats, rather you wrack up charges over the course of your trip and are responsible for paying the balance when you return to port).  When we checked in for our honeymoon cruise, I was rather put off by the fact that Jill received a prestigious-looking gold sign and sail card whereas I was issued a card that was powder-blue in color. (The powder-blue, to me, looked like something they should be giving to kids.) It turns out that customers who've sailed previously with Carnival are recognized by different color cards, those being gold and platinum (given to guests who've taken 10 cruises with Carnival).  Jill had sailed with Carnival before, hence why she was ahead of me in the pecking order.  Be that as it may, I was pleased to get my first gold sign and sail card this time around.

Walking across the gantry connecting land to our boat was like leaving reality and entering a completely different realm of existence - one where it's perfectly acceptable to order 4 deserts after having eaten 5 servings of lobster.  Once we were on board, we made our way to the lido deck because we weren't yet allowed into our staterooms.  Lido is an important place because it's where all the buffets are located, and seeing as how it was just past lunchtime seating was at a premium but we were able to get a table without much delay. (This would be the only occasion where we'd have much difficulty in finding a table on lido; in contrast I'd read reviews online that seemed to indicate it was almost impossible 100% of the time.)

The Dream features several stations around its lido deck that offer customized fare, such as a burrito bar which was where I decided to dine this first day (other selections included pasta, salads, omelets, hot dogs & hamburgers, and deli sandwiches).  The food on these boats is impeccable, and the fact that service in some form is available 24 hours a day is remarkable.  Again I'll say that the logistics of running an operation like this are astounding.

Not long after we'd finished our lunch an announcement was made that guests could make their way to their staterooms.  I was very eager to see ours as we'd be occupying a cove balcony stateroom, which is unique in comparison to other balcony rooms in that the balcony does not overhang the side of the boat.  Instead these balconies are tucked into the ships' hull making them more secure as well as more private.  When we opened the door we immediately noticed that this room was larger than what we'd experienced previously on the Carnival Sensation.  Our room featured a king-size bed, a seating area with a couch, ample closet space, a great bathroom, and - of course - the balcony which was spectacular.  An added bonus was that we were on the port side (which is the left-hand side if you're in the boat and facing the front of the ship) meaning that we'd get a great view of each port (not to be redundant) we'd be visiting.

Our stateroom, a cove balcony class - very spacious & comfortable.

At this point in time we hadn't yet received our luggage.  This is another part of cruising that demands patience seeing as how each and every bag has to be delivered to the stateroom it belongs and this can take a fair amount of time on a boat like the Dream since there could be more than 4,000 guests on board.

It's required that all guests participate in an evacuation drill prior to the ship leaving port.  In a nut shell, this is where you learn what you would be doing in the event of an emergency where there might be no other option than to use the ship's lifeboats to escape some level of danger.  It involves everyone reporting to their assigned muster stations then receiving instruction on how to effectively use life preservers.  This is the sort of thing that comes across as being unnecessary, to the point that if you've sat through it once you should receive some kind of lifetime certification, but for a  number of reasons (read, payouts from personal injury lawsuits) it doesn't quite work that way.  Once the muster drill was complete we decided to make our way to the promenade deck to watch as we left port.

We shoved off around 5 PM, close to dusk for this time of year.  On our way out of port, we passed several other boats including a Disney ship and another of Carnival's fleet.  This gave us a much more vivid sense of just how tall the Dream is seeing as how we were standing on one of the middle-upper level decks and we were looking across the tops of those other boats.  The setting sun was a great backdrop for our departure, as was the sight of a shrimp boat following behind us.

On our way out of Port Canaveral

You have many dining options but when it comes to dinner the only way to go for us is to enjoy a meal in one of the main dining rooms.  For this cruise we were assigned to the Scarlet dining room; we realized as the week went on that most of the featured locations inside the boat had monikers that made reference to a shade of red.  We were curious to find out who our table-mates would be as we were looking forward to meeting some of our fellow cruisers.  As it would turn out, we were assigned to a booth instead of one of the larger tables, making for much more quaint dining experiences.  We had the table to ourselves that first night as we later learned that our table-mates had decided to visit the steakhouse this first evening.  I received a special treat at the end of our meal in the form of a heart-shaped chocolate cake Jill had ordered as a surprise; our waiter brought it to our table and sang "Happy Anniversary" to us (and encouraged us to "kissy-kissy").  The cake, like all the food served to us that week, was almost too pretty to eat but of course we ate it anyway and it was delicious - moist, creamy, and chocolatey!

The view from our table in the Scarlet Dining Room

After dinner, we returned to our stateroom and low & behold our luggage had arrived.  We unpacked our bags and bundled up several orders of laundry (there are do-it-yourself laundry stations on board but if you think I'm going to iron something while I'm on vacation you've got another thing coming) and gave them to our steward before venturing back out to peruse the Fun Shops.  Jill and I have developed quite a collection of magnets over our years of traveling together (in my opinion they're the best souvenirs imaginable - I can go to get a cold drink and be reminded of our escapades), and we added to it this first night by picking up a magnet featuring a great image of the Dream.

We capped off our evening by watching several programs in the Encore Theater.  Bingo games - which almost always preceded performances in the Encore (they're as good of a lead-in as any; come for the bingo, stay for the show) - are never hard to find on Carnival's boats and I have to say they aren't exactly bashful when it comes to giving away prizes.  More often than not, winners of these games would receive either a hefty amount of cash or a large amount of credit being applied to their sign and sail account (there were even a few games played later in the week where if you won your entire sign and sail charges would be wiped out; that's a huge opportunity because trust me when I say that over the duration of a 7-day cruise you can wrack up a significant balance).  Trivia games are also commonplace with the game of the evening being centered around material from the 1980s.  The actual performance we saw that night was an introduction to the entertainers who'd be putting their skills on display for us the remainder of the week.  By far my favorite element of this show was a segment arranged by Fun Force who are a group of break dancers.  Quite frankly I don't think the human body was intended to bend or move the way these guys are able to, so the notion that they're able to perform the acrobatic feats they do is out of this world.

The Encore Theater/Lounge

By the end of the show, we were ready to retire to our stateroom.  Between being on the road and all the excitement of the day, we'd thoroughly worn ourselves out.  It had been a great first day and our adventure was definitely only just beginning!

Will It Fit? (A Blog About Packing for Vacation)

As I write this, my wife and I are but mere days away from setting sail on our second cruise - a seven day voyage to the Western Caribbean on the Carnival Dream (our first such adventure having been our honeymoon, a 4 day journey to the Bahamas by way of the Carnival Sensation), so it should come as no surprise that we're going through the process of packing our luggage.

BRING ONLY WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE!

It's never been a particularly tedious process for me as I've always been of the mindset that you bring what you feel like you need and if you forget something necessary, too bad - adaptability is one of the strongest qualities that the human race has ever exhibited, after all, but the trouble these days is a lot of folks mistake necessity for luxury.  This is why every truck stop between here and oblivion is now equipped with wi-fi, so that you can check Facebook status updates as you watch what is almost certainly a three-week-old hotdog tumble down the rollers of the grilling apparatus. (Do those things have a specific name other than just "gas station hot dog cooker"?) Don't get me wrong, I love to have my favorite gadgets nearby but I'm not so attached at the hip to these baubles that I can't let them well enough alone occasionally, especially over the course of a vacation.

The challenge when it comes to packing that has been presented by this particular voyage is the fact that it is what it is; that being a seven day adventure to the western Caribbean (not counting an extra day or two of travel to and from our port of embarkation).  Essentially, my concern isn't so much a matter of agonizing over what to bring but the fact that I'm having to bring a lot of stuff, namely clothing, and I only have so many pieces of luggage to work with.  This being the case, my packing strategy has been to establish levels of priority.

Not surprisingly, I packed every available (read, clean) pair of underwear I have first thing, which immediately presented a logistical challenge seeing as how I have just enough to account for every day of the cruise plus a few spares.  This is in defiance of a technique my Grandmother (who was something of a road warrior in her 60s as she would commonly take lengthy bus tours across the western United States) once told me about whereby you could actually get four wears out of a single pair of shorts, that being to wear them correctly once then reverse them (so that the front is in the back), then turn them inside-out and reverse them again.  I've never had to do that (and I hope I never have to) but it's as valid an option as any when pressed for methods in providing adequate cover to your naughty bits.

Next were other essentials such as socks, pajamas, and handkerchiefs.  I don't know that many people carry handkerchiefs nowadays but I took to carrying them many years ago when I was an avid concert-goer.  The utilitarian nature of something as simple as a square of cloth may escape you.  Have you ever found yourself needing to blow your nose, wipe sweat from your brow, dry off your hands after using a restroom with no paper towels or air dryer, or simply get caught with your lips and fingers covered in wing sauce but there's no napkins to be found?  There are many uses for a hanky, is what I'm getting at, and I keep one with me at all times.

I have an old duffel bag I've used since high school for random occasions; back then it was my backpack of choice - here, it's going to be ferrying my shoes.  Depending on the style and manufacturer, I can typically wear a mens shoe size 14 or 15 wide.  Suffice to say that finding footwear that's comfortable for me is something of a challenge considering most major shoe stores seem to be under the impression that no one has feet as large as mine.  Nevertheless, my point in bringing up my shoes is to say that with large feet come large shoes.  Somewhat unbelievably, I was able to fit a pair of dress shoes, my water shoes, a pair of sandals, my hats and a set of swimming goggles all within this one bag.

In contrast to the old duffel is a new accessory I purchased recently - the Maxpedition Sitka Gearslinger.  The Gearslinger series is described as a shoulder sling tactical messenger bag, and with its ballistic nylon construction it's great for everyday use as well as backpacking.  I plan on breaking in my Sitka during this trip as it will be holding gear such as my raincoat, flashlight, iPod, camera, and an assortment of other items.  I've customized my Sitka with Maxpedition's Janus Extension Pocket, which functions as both an extension of the shoulder strap and a useful front-side pouch.

Toiletries are another no-brainer because Heaven forbid we'd go off on vacation without smelling nice or forgetting basic hygiene practices.  For me, items that wind up in my toiletry bag include toothpaste, toothbrush, floss, band-aids, medication (which includes Zyrtec, daily multivitamins, anti-diarrhea tablets, aspirin and Tylenol), deodorant, cologne, body spray, aftershave, my razor (a Schick Quatro I've had for the better part of a decade; I don't bother with disposables as they tend to chew up my face), and shaving cream.  Additionally, for this trip I've got a fresh tube of SPF 50 sunblock and bug repellent, both of which will be necessary as we'll be hoofing it to a set of remote Mayan ruins whilst in Belize and I don't particularly want to get sunburn and/or bitten by some kind of malaria-toting beastie that doesn't have my best interests in mind when it sets upon me.

Aside from what I mentioned will be getting packed into my duffel and Sitka, the items I've mentioned prior to now account for the contents of my smaller suitcase which, in terms of dimensions, is not as big as a full-sized piece of luggage but not that small either.  It's been more than suitable for me to take with me on 2 or 3 day trips in the past, however it is most certainly an accessory for this vacation.

The remainder of what I have to pack will go into a much larger bag, the limits of which will most certainly be tested over the course of our vacation.  As I mentioned earlier, the difficulty in packing for this trip hasn't been deciding what to bring but more of how to deal with the volume of what I'm bringing in contrast to the amount of luggage space I have to work with.  I've got 100 pounds of crap but only a 50 pound bag, as it were.

My wardrobe is basic and I don't put a lot of effort into trying to match up pants to tops or what have you. (Proof of this is the fact that I apparently I missed out on some kind of basic clothing coordination classes in my formative years because I see nothing wrong with wearing brown shoes and a black belt, a fact that my wife persistently chides me about.) On any other vacation I could've continued with my ways as I'd just throw a bunch of my casual clothing into my bag and be done with it.  Cruising is a different animal in that there are formal nights in the main dining rooms aboard these vessels where dress codes require guests to be rather snazzily put together. (No, you don't have to attend these events as you could just as well eat from the buffet every meal, but you're paying for this experience when you book a cruise so there's no point in not getting the most out of it - besides, the food is amazing!) That being the case, I'll essentially have to bring double the amount of clothing I normally would - one set for roaming about care free and a completely different set for when we need to be gussied up.

I don't own a suit or even a sport jacket, although I do have several button-down dress shirts and ties (which sit in a hermetically sealed box 99% of the time so that they'll be fresh on the rare occasion that I actually need them), which is a perfectly appropriate ensemble for formal nights on board the ship as far as I'm concerned.  Formal wear, to me, is arguably the most dysfunctional clothing imaginable.  There is literally no redeemable or, more importantly, useful aspect to it - then again, that isn't its intention.  I'm sure somewhere out there a tactical clothing manufacturer has developed a suit that doubles as a survival outfit but I have yet to see it.

I've made kind of a big deal out of being able to fit all this stuff into my bags and, truth be told, it's a legitimate concern however I'm fairly certain it will all come together.  I've got enough time between now and when we'll be hitting the road that I should be able to sort through all that I've mentioned in this post, develop a plan of attack, and execute it with much precision.  I may have to use a form of origami on my garments then use one of those space-saving vacuum bags to get them all in, mind you, but it should work out okay.  How well it all fits back into my bags when it's time to come home will be an entirely different issue.

Rainbow Farting Unicorns - Part 1

The actual source of all rainbows

It's been brought to my attention that, more often than not, I tend to make things which have drawn my ire the subject of blog posts.  I can't argue with that point as I agree that I've developed a particular pattern of subject matter when it comes to what I choose to write about. (At least I can't be criticized for being inconsistent, I guess.) I also realize that this isn't healthy when it comes to trying to maintain the interest of readers - even though I'm certain there's a group of people who actually like entries wherein I complain and rant about things incessantly, this silent majority has been more than appeased thus far during the lifetime of my blog.  That being the case, I'm introducing this entry as the first in a recurring series wherein I talk about nothing but things I like or that have otherwise made me happy, hence the title "Rainbow-Farting Unicorns" (because you're in a deeper, darker place than I'd ever hope to consider being if the image of a rainbow-farting unicorn can't put a smile on your face).

"WORLD WAR Z" IS REALLY GOOD

It's no secret that zombies have become the flavor of the week when it comes to monsters being used in movies and television productions.  There's some kind of rotation that Hollywood uses which we mere mortals aren't privy to, I'm sure of it - how else can you explain that there are years where a bunch of alien invasion movies get made then the next a slew of vampire-centric films are rolled out?  They tap popular trends (striking while the iron is hot, as it were) and at this point zombies are about as popular as they ever have been.

A piece of literature that was on the forefront of the current zombie movement is Max Brooks' (yes, as in Mel Brooks' son) "World War Z", which is currently being adapted into a movie (which, allegedly, isn't going to be that close to its source material - shocker) starring Brad Pitt.  Originally released in 2006, WWZ is a very unique book in that it makes use of anecdotal stories gathered from first-hand interviews to chronicle the struggles of humanity attempting to overcome a world-wide plague of the undead.

Let me say first that it took some doing for me to get into this book.  I started reading it earlier this year and was challenged immediately by how it is written.  I think most avid readers are accustomed to stories being presented in a narrative format, which makes them relatively easy to navigate and absorb.  WWZ is different in that the story is pieced together through individual and seemingly scattered elements, making the scope of it incredibly vast.  It wasn't until after I'd forced myself to dedicate time to reading it that I began to appreciate how these pieces come to form an intricate tale ripe with details.  I enjoy using my imagination to assemble mental images of scenes and characters from books I'm reading as I'm reading them; if you share this trait, I can confirm that WWZ presents many opportunities to stretch your grey matter.  From epic battles with legions of zombies staged on familiar sites (Yonkers, New York for example was the site of the first large-scale encounter between the US military and the living dead) to harrowing survival stories involving perilous situations at every turn, the scenery in WWZ is truly epic.  I highly recommend this book for fans of horror, suspense, or science fiction - and documentaries, for that matter.

I'VE LOST WEIGHT

My wife and I have been members of our local YMCA for about 18 months now and she's been actively participating in Weight Watchers since February of this year.  Jill (who updates her blog a whole lot more frequently than I do - check her out at The Truesdale Times) has lost just shy of 75 pounds while on the Weight Watchers program and I could not be more proud of her!  She's done a tremendous job of subscribing to their guidelines and the proof is in the fact that she's in arguably the best shape of her life - I always thought she was beautiful but when I refer to her as my hot, young trophy wife now people actually get a sense of what I've been talking about.

Her efforts have rubbed off on me a bit because I've seen the fruits of her labor.  By watching her and paying attention to how she's been able to have such great success with the program, I've developed an understanding that the great thing about Weight Watchers is how it promotes effective decision making when it comes to choosing what to eat.  You can eat what you want while keeping in mind the consequences of your decisions (good or bad) instead of being forced into a diet where you're eating foods that will sustain you but will also make your taste buds want to rip themselves free of your tongue. (What's more, I think I'd go crazy if I had to switch out meals with shakes or some kind of beverage.) I feel like that's what most people use as an excuse to not maintain a diet, the fact that they can't have the foods they enjoy.  So instead of a regimen they can endure they wind up suffering through what's more akin to a form of penance than anything and can't help but hate the experience.  Weight Watchers is the exact opposite of that.

If you want a double-bacon cheeseburger, go ahead - but you have to realize that because you had the cheeseburger you shouldn't have other similar items that aren't exactly good choices.  On top of that, exercise helps!  No one is going to confuse me for an Olympic athlete, but I have to say that the changes I've been able to make by way of regular exercise are noticeable.  I have more endurance, greater strength, and more energy.  It used to be that I had to push myself just to keep up with Jill while we were walking (I'm still convinced she was trying to lose me while we were on the strip in Las Vegas), but that isn't the case anymore!  Little things like that (as well as the fact that I'm down a shirt size) start to add up in your mind and give you a sense of confidence to keep going.

The point is to say that I've been made aware of things I was eating previously and now realize the impact they can have in an overall sense of well being.  I know I've lost at least 20 pounds since some point this summer as that was when we purchased a scale and have been regularly tracking our weight.  Not to sound too cocky but I've thought of the idea of re-taking our wedding pictures because of the fact that we both look better now than we did then!

WE'RE (going to be) ON A BOAT!

When my then soon-to-be wife and I were going over options for our honeymoon more than a year ago, my ideas were Disney World or Hawaii.  Hawaii was out of the running fairly quickly, mainly because I didn't want to have to take out a personal loan just to finance the trip.  Disney is a personal favorite of mine as I've always loved the theme parks.  My family and I used to go there almost every year when I was growing up, so it goes without saying that I have plenty of fond memories of those experiences.

Jill's idea, on the other hand, was to take a cruise.  I'd never been on one (whereas she'd already been on several) and, truth be told, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea initially.  I was concerned about being sick the whole time, if we'd be comfortable living out of a cramped cabin for several days, and most of all whether or not it would be worth the money.  I only plan on getting married once, so of course I wanted the experience to be as memorable as possible (and of course I have to live up to my promise to Jill that our life together will be an adventure).  I eventually agreed to the cruise and so we booked a trip to the Bahamas aboard the Carnival Sensation.

To put my thoughts on the cruise quite succinctly, I loved every moment of it!  I have recommended the cruising experience to literally everyone who so much as mentions the possibility of being slightly interested in the chance they might take one at some point in their life.  I'm not necessarily a travel expert, but be that as it may I do not think that you can get a vacation with such great value by any other means.  Between the food, the shows, the picturesque ports of call, and everything else in between, it was a phenomenal trip and we were almost immediately looking forward to our next outing.

We're now within two weeks of being on the water again as we'll be setting sail to the western Caribbean for a 7 day voyage on board the Carnival Dream.  Saying "I CAN'T WAIT!" would be a slight understatement at this point as it feels like we've been looking forward to this trip for more than a year (which isn't far from the truth; we booked far in advance to get a lesser rate).  I wanted to take a longer trip on a bigger boat, and that's exactly what this itinerary allows for as the Dream is one of the largest vessels in Carnival's fleet.  We'll be making stops in Cozumel, Belize, Costa Maya, and Isla Roatan - on top of that we've booked several shore excursions, which we didn't try at all on our honeymoon.  This is one more example of an activity that as little as a few years ago I never thought I'd ever do, but I am and I'm sure we'll enjoy this trek just as much (or hopefully more so) as we did our previous adventure.

I ORDERED MY IPOD CLASSIC (Related Topic: Amazon.com is effing-incredible)

For several months now I've been agonizing over the decision as to whether or not I wanted to purchase a new iPod.  I have a significant amount of music in my collection and my older iPod Nano wasn't cutting it anymore.  The Nano I have only carries around 2 gigabytes of memory, which is a terribly small amount of storage space when you consider I have upwards of 60 gigs of music.  It's a pain for me to have to constantly unload and load music as my tastes change or as I acquire new tunes.  I wanted a device that would allow me to sync it up with my library every so often and carry all my music with me, not only for ease of maintenance but also because I now have a head unit in my truck that can interface with a USB device.  Suffice it to say that it's a whole lot more convenient to have my media contained on a box the size of a deck of cards instead of a huge case of CDs.

My problem, being the epic tight-wad that I am when it comes to spending money, was that I didn't want to incur the expense of upgrading.  I kid you not when I say that I agonized for what seemed like several months over making the purchase.  I knew what I wanted but I wasn't sure how to pay for it.  "Do I use my credit card or try to save up the cash?", I repeatedly asked myself.  Apparently I suffered a moment of weakness at some point within the past week because I ordered a 160 gigabyte iPod Classic with an accessory bundle from Amazon and the lovely thing was delivered to me early this morning!

Now I get to look forward to spending time setting it up - I sincerely hope there's never a stage of my life where I don't anticipate playtime with a new gadget with the kind of glee typically reserved for a 9 year old boy on Christmas morning.

RING OF HONOR RETURNS TO THE CAROLINAS 

When it comes to professional wrestling in the United States, there really are only two major companies in existence right now (even though a whole bunch of small indy promotions would have you believe they're the closest equivalent), those being World Wrestling Entertainment and iMPACT (aka, TNA) Wrestling.  Most observers, myself included, feel that the gap between WWE and TNA is ever widening with WWE having a huge advantage both in popularity and (more importantly) profitability.  They're the largest sports entertainment company in the world and their domination of the global market grows every year.  That's all well and good (especially if you're a little boy or a woman who delights in the fact that John Cena is the second coming of Hulk Hogan, that being a wrestler who's physique and charisma are unrivaled but who also happens to be an iffy at best when it comes to his grappling ability) except for the fact that the lack of any legitimate competition seems to make the creative forces behind the scenes feel like they don't necessarily have to work as hard as they would otherwise.  Point being, on some level WWE has realized that they're now at the top of the food chain and that the nearest threat is still wet behind the ears which has caused their product to become quite stale as of late.

There was a moment in the history of professional wrestling where there were three companies - WWE, World Championship Wrestling, and Extreme Championship Wrestling - competing in the United States.  ECW was always third in the pecking order, although to some felt they (despite being a much smaller company with nowhere near the financial backing of WWE) were better than WCW and even WWE.  Interestingly enough, nowadays there is once again a third company attempting to climb the mountain, as it were, in an attempt to open the eyes of fans to an alternative to the norm.  Enter Ring of Honor.

ROH has been around for nearly a decade and has enjoyed a significant amount of critical success as their unique brand of action takes a cue from what's referred to as strong-style wrestling more frequently seen in Japan.  Strong-style involves much more legitimate strikes and kicks than what's typically a part of wrestling matches, thereby heightening the audience's perception of genuine violence taking place.  This has been a great selling point for their brand as they're capable of reaching fans of both professional wrestling and mixed martial arts fighting without alienating either sub-culture.

I've been a fan of theirs for several years but, unfortunately for me, the only way I could ever see ROH material was by way of DVDs or ultra-low quality video of matches on YouTube or some other streaming site.  ROH is based in the northeast, Philadelphia specifically, and a majority of their live events take place in that region.  However, as my luck would have it they've now begun touring more extensively and have added several cities in the Carolinas to their list of regular haunts.  They've already held a handful of events in Charlotte, North Carolina and in December they'll be making two stops in the Carolinas: December 3 - Spartanburg, SC, and December 4 - Greensboro, NC.  With any luck, I'll be able to make it to at least one of these events (more than likely won't get to both but that would be fantastic).

I'd strongly encourage any wrestling fans in the area to check them out as theirs are some of the best shows I've been to in quite some time.  Take a chance on something new by seeing what else exists in the world of professional wrestling!

A Rant about Paying for Parking

I get some flack from associates of mine about my apparent stinginess when it comes to spending money.  They seem to be under the assumption that because I only recently got married and have no children that I wipe my rear end with $100 bills.  I wish that were the case - the being comfortably wealthy part, not the using money for toilet paper part.  I imagine that would do terrible things to my septic system, not to mention more than likely being incredibly rough on my posterior.

Be that as it may, I've never been one to spend money on a whim as I prefer to be more precise in budgeting my funds than most other folk seem to be. (That's an admittedly bold assumption on my part seeing as how I don't make a point to talk up personal financial strategies during casual conversation.) I like to know how much of the money in pot A is going to be taken away from me by services X, Y, and Z, thereby giving me a pretty firm understanding of what I have to work with at all times.  I have a fairly well-structured monthly budget and I do a better than decent job of staying within those parameters by spending money that is actually mine instead of making use of credit, however temptation is always afoot.  Case in point, I've had a handful of what some might call high-dollar items in my Amazon checkout for several weeks now.  I log into my account occasionally and am almost always immediately antagonized by financing offers.  Could I afford to take on the extra expense?  Sure I could, but I haven't pulled the trigger on making that purchase (yet) mainly because my fragile sense of stability might be irreparably damaged were I to do so.

On top of this is the fact that I tend to suffer from buyer's remorse.  Essentially whenever I make a purchase - even if it's for something I actually want or otherwise need - I tend to focus on the "What if?" of the scenario, namely what else could I have bought with the money I just handed over.  This being the case, you probably won't be surprised to find out that I don't much care to pay for services which I don't interpret as being genuinely beneficial to me in some way, shape, or form.

An example of this would be the fees associated with purchasing event tickets online via Ticket Master.  If you've never done business with them (good for you), you may not be aware that when purchasing event tickets in addition to the cost of admittance you're also charged with facility and convenience fees.  Ticket Master doesn't divulge what these fees cover (shocker), a fact which has lead me to make my own conclusions.  By my estimation, the convenience fee is supposed to make customers feel good about not having had to stand in line or deal with a person face-to-face during the purchase process. (The fact that mine is the last generation who will have known the excitement of camping overnight to be near the front of a line to buy tickets is rather disheartening to me.  Gone are the days of the truly dedicated being rewarded for their being opportunistically unemployed!) The facility fee must then be the cut of money that goes to the venue.  Some cohorts of mine and I have taken to referring to it as the "take a dump" fee, the joke being that these monies go towards covering the costs the venue incurs by way of patrons making use of the facilities.

That's two poop references thus far in this entry, friends - if you aren't impressed with the high-brow nature of this publication by now I don't know what else I can do to sway you into my favor.

Are these fees entirely pointless?  Probably not (I'd more than likely feel better about paying them if there was full disclosure as to their purpose or if they were lumped into the price of admission) but I think you can understand my frustration when the price of a ticket goes from $30 to $45 because of fees.  We're already paying through the nose for our stubs, more often than not, but we'll have to pay even more for a set of phantom services just to get in the door.  That's not good business, however it is how you potentially price your audience out of being able to attend an event.

Another scenario that exemplifies my displeasure with being forced to pay for a service which ultimately yields no tangible product is the concept of paying for parking.  My wife and I went to the South Carolina State Fair this past Sunday evening.  The parking lot attached to the fairgrounds is humongous and freely accessible to fair-goers, but with Sunday being the last day of the fair and the weather being particularly agreeable conditions were such that untold thousands descended upon the festivities for rides, games, entertainment, and one final taste of all-things deep fried (there was a vendor selling deep fried Kool Aid this year, proving yet again that there's no end in sight to the potential for food items to be dipped in batter, cooked in hot grease and served with a side of ranch dressing) before bidding the carnies farewell for another year.  The lot was filled to capacity when we arrived which meant we had to seek out parking elsewhere in one the auxiliary lots, meaning we would have to pay to park.

It cost us $5 to leave my wife's car sitting perilously close to a set of railroad tracks in a field being supervised (at the time we entered) by two little old ladies and a guy with a flag who was attempting to direct customers into empty spaces.  The fact that we weren't given any kind of validation ticket let me know that this wasn't exactly a professional operation we were dealing with. (Shriners were running this particular lot; I know they do good work for kids but I can't take anyone wearing a fez seriously.) When we returned several hours later, the little old ladies and the flagman were nowhere to be found.

My problem with this is two-fold: 1) Our car could've been damaged, looted, or stolen outright and 2) that $5 could've gone towards something of actual use, like an order of fried mushrooms or a refill on our souvenir lemonade.

That's what this is ultimately about, you see - I had to pay for something which I perceive as being completely pointless which, in turn, denied me the ability to buy something I actually wanted. (The vendors at the fair don't accept debit cards and I only had so much cash on hand.  Sure, there are ATMs at the fair but do you really think I'm going to fork over $3 for the privilege of withdrawing my own money?) I don't mind paying for services, even parking.  My wife and I visit Charleston's historic district a few times a year and we always have to pay for parking but I don't mind doing so there because the lots have attendants on site so long as there are cars parked in their domain.  Sure our car could get damaged whilst parked therein, but at least there would be someone nearby to take note of the matter in our stead.

Reading this blog, I guess it's no wonder that I worry about money, a lot.  I worry about it more than anything else, truth be told.  I worry that I don't have enough of it to provide for my family and to give us what we need as well as what we want.  I'd be lying if I said I'm not envious of others for what they have and we don't, even though I have just about every creature comfort, every gadget, every "big boy toy" you could imagine that would appeal to a grown-up kid like myself.  I'd like to think that I'm not unique in my anxiety but, at the same time, I feel like there are times where I have difficulty thinking about anything else.

All that having been said, do they make Prozac pills with dollar signs on them?  I may need a specific dose for what ails me.

Snow Cones Now Being Served in Hell (A Blog about Time Warner Cable)

If I were to attempt to log the issues I've encountered with Time Warner Cable's various services since the point in time that I became a customer of theirs almost three and a half years ago (not mentioning the two years I was with them while in college during which my signal was stolen by other tenants in the apartment complex I was renting from), I'd wind up writing an entry to this here site of mine that might rival the length of your average senior thesis and be layered with so much piss & venom that it would rank high in the pantheon of all-time rage inspired blogs.  I don't want to do that, odd as it may seem given my usual rhetoric, because quite frankly I'm bored with the concept of hating them.  It's a bit like a sports team that's so persistently bad that the concept of their massive ineptitude has gone from being a resource of resentment to that of comic relief.

Just to prove my point, I'll describe a situation from roughly a year and a half ago.  I'd just purchased a beautiful Sony Bravia LCD television for our living room and was looking forward to finally enjoying HD programming.  I get my new TV home, plug it in, and almost immediately I begin noticing issues with picture quality on the digital and HD tiers (of course the problem would be with the channels that are supposed to be better with higher-end TVs like the one I'd just bought instead of the analog channels).  The images would become distorted, almost like some kind of absurd cubist artwork - apparently this symptom is referred to as "tiling" to the Time Warner folks as I heard the term used at several points during conversations I had with their technicians.  In the process of attempting to remedy the situation, I went through the following steps:

• Manually reset my receiver myself (I unplugged it, in other words)
• Had my receiver reset by customer service (just for the sake of being redundant, I guess)
• Swapped out the receiver twice
• Changed out the lines coming into the house from the routing box
• Went from an aerial drop to a buried drop

Allow me to expound on that last bullet point.  The phrase "aerial drop" refers to how the cable line feeding our home came off of a telephone pole, traveled through the air (hence the usage of the word "aerial"), and was terminated when it reached the house.  In converting to a buried drop, that aerial cable was removed and replaced with a piece of wire running down the telephone pole, underneath a road, and through the backyard, buried just beneath the surface.  Why do this?  Technically speaking, it's more idealistic because you eliminate the possibility of the line being snapped by way of environmental hazards, some idiot driving an 18-wheeler through a residential neighborhood, or from all the obese pigeons in the neighborhood converging to roost on that one line at the same time. (Fat pigeons - loveable creatures or the newest terror threat?  Film at 11...)

When it came time to perform this conversion, Time Warner (which makes use of independent contractors to handle grunt work like this) dispatched the crew that was to handle attaching the new line to the routing box on the house before they'd sent out the crew to bury the line.  This delayed the process by several days, but it was finally completed and all parties involved hoped that this would be the end of the story.

As ESPN college football analyst Lee Corso would say, "NOT SO FAST, MY FRIEND!"

The tiling continued despite these efforts.  I made more calls to customer support and they sent out yet another technician.  This particular technician did something the others hadn't in accessing a diagnostic screen by way of the receiver attached to my beloved TV.  He took one look at the readout and exclaimed, "Oh man, that's HUGE!", in reference to a value corresponding to something called video heap.  As I understand it, the issue was that the receiver was getting more data than it knew how to process (buffering gone bad, as it were).  He left the house, went out and checked a transponder in the area and spotted that it was malfunctioning.  It was subsequently replaced and the issue resolved, albeit nearly 2 months after the initial request for service.

[SIDE NOTE: I can't not also mention the fact that at several points over the last few months our services have gone out completely - no TV, no phone, no Internet.  I would call to report an outage and TWC's customer service wouldn't be able to locate any interruptions in their system.  Then, low and behold, a day or so later we'd receive an automated call stating that an outage in our area may have interrupted our service...Really?  You don't say!  Here I'd convinced myself I'd just imagined the whole thing.]

You see what I mean now when I look back on my experiences with Time Warner and how I think of them as a horrible comedy of errors?  A company this large that spends so much effort in promoting the benefits of their wares and yet it takes 2 months and almost a dozen technicians to recognize the root of an issue like this.

I'm sure by now you may be asking, "If this guy dislikes their service so much, why does he still have it?"  Two reasons: 1) Back before I purchased my TV and things were fine I signed up for what TWC referred to as a "Price Lock Guarantee" which amounted to a two year service contract similar to what you see offered by most cellular companies in that there is a fairly high early termination fee involved, and 2) at this point I feel like I kind of have to keep it.  Think of it as if you were building a house.  You encounter issues after construction has begun that require you to go back to the drawing board and re-think parts of your design.  Do you tear down the house and start over?  No, you keep moving forward, onward, and (hopefully) upward with the project.  I'd hate to essentially undo all that's been done by going to another provider because as of this moment our services through TWC are running about as well as they ever have, quite honestly.

A couple weeks after the most recent set of service calls (2 in two weeks for the same issue; it was something relating to the wiring at the pole, and from the way the technician spoke I almost want to believe someone had attempted to steal our signal), I received a piece of mail from TWC that looked unlike any other correspondence I'd ever gotten from them.  I knew immediately it wasn't a bill because of its shape which lead me to assume it might be an advertisement or promotional gimmick.  As I opened it I realized the weight of the paper from which the envelope was made had a decent heft to it, making it feel like it had a certain level of poignancy.  Intrigued, I finished opening the envelope and could then see that the inside of the pocket had been printed purple and emblazoned with their logo, furthering the sensation that this wasn't just another mailer.  Finally, I extracted the contents of the envelope and found this.

"Well if that doesn't beat all...", I thought to myself.  The concept of TWC actually apologizing for the woes of having to deal with their ineptitude was startling.  While I appreciate the sentiment I couldn't help but add this to the pile of unfortunately amusing things they've put into my life.  For starters, a sympathy card is nice however an offer to give us service credits or (Heaven forbid) a discounted rate on our services would've been more appropriate albeit very unlikely.  I have a better chance at being chosen to play cowbell for Metallica than I do at ever seeing money back from Time Warner.

Notice the part in the text about how we'll have access to their elite service teams - they have their equivalent of Navy SEAL Team 6, apparently.  Okay, that's great, but you mean to tell me that up until now I've been dealing with the Gomer Pyle-level service teams?  You've just informed me that you've got a set of guys roaming around out there who are supposedly great at what they do, which is an inadvertent admission that there are others who - either by directive or thanks to their own stupidity, having lost out on the genetic lottery - just kind of half-ass their way through assignments.  For that matter, why doesn't everyone have access to these elite operators?  We're all paying customers, so why should certain of us get preferential treatment when it comes to maintenance issues?

What this whole thing boils down to is persistent frustration.  Not the kind you seek medical-grade pharmacology to treat, mind you - rather the kind that you almost learn to put up with because the root of the matter is something we want to appreciate but can't in some situations.  I think everyone has had a frustrating relationship here or there throughout their lifetime.  A girlfriend you love but refuses to ever see a movie you'd like to watch, a relative who's alright so long as their favorite sports team doesn't let them down in a big game, or even a dog who only ever seems to take a dump exactly where you don't want him/her to do it.  Unfortunately, putting up with fussy technology is oftentimes worse than dealing with similar issues involving carbon-based lifeforms.  For the money we pay, we expect these gadgets to work 100% of the time, and they should because ultimately it's important that we be able to watch new episodes of Big Bang Theory or play Call of Duty via XBOX Live.  What else is there to life, after all, than the content we crave so dearly?